to not invite parents on holiday with us

[ForwardAll]

We've got a house abroad, and typically we go there every Summer to spend a couple of weeks with the kids. Often we invite other people out too, and that usually includes my parents.

My dad is extremely overweight to the extent that he breaks furniture when he sits on it. Often when they go on holiday they have to pay for furniture in hotels that he has broken. In our house in the UK he has broken our sofa, various chairs, numerous toilet seats. In our house abroad he has broken a bed, a chair, and both toilet seats. Worse though is that he has broken the staircase we had fitted when we first started renovating the house a few years ago, which cost a lot of money and was really well fitted. Now it has come away at the top because he drops his full weight onto the top step when he comes downstairs.

He's getting bigger and causing more damage as he does so, and I don't know what to do about this year's holiday. I'm pretty sure they're waiting for us to invite them. We have fun when they are there although there is quite a bit of tension between my DH and my dad now because my dad is very sloppy and thoughtless e.g. making a lot of noise and banging about when the kids are in bed, spilling things and not clearing them up, as well as the aforementioned breaking things. He's completely oblivious to housekeeping, and it's like having a giant toddler around. He's very sensitive so if we say anything he will sulk and refuse to speak to us and say he's going home etc, so it's easier in some respects to not say anything.

I've looked at other options for sleeping arrangements so he wouldn't have to go upstairs, but that would mean putting them in the utility room, and I'm pretty sure that would make them feel bad about being exiled from upstairs. Also he needs a proper bed and we don't have one downstairs. They are 70yo.

I've discussed it with my mum and not outright said they aren't invited, but told her I'm fed up of him breaking things and being thoughtless. She just shakes her head sadly and says things like "I know, I'm fed up of it too".

I feel really tight about it as I know they like to spend time with the DCs, and it is nice to have them there, but I don't want to risk either total collapse of the staircase, or total collapse of my DH's and DF's relationship.

[Goingtobeawesome]

He's not sensitive. He's a bully.

[ForwardAll]

Thanks, I think I've squared it away to not feel guilty about it. We are intending on inviting other friends for a few days (friends who don't break things) and I'm just worried they'll be annoyed we invited our friends but not them.

But I think I have reconciled it in my own mind and maybe I should break the habit of a lifetime and tell him straight why we did it this way if he asks. Feel sorry for my mum though, but they do come as a pair.

[Narnia72]

Don't invite him. Just don't. It's not fair on your relationship with your OH, your children and your own possessions.

If you don't want to tackle the issue just don't ask them. If your mum brings it up then just say "we've decided we want a holiday with just the 4 of us this year." However, would they then ask to borrow it at another time when you're not there, or do you rent it out the rest of the time?q

Re keeping relations going for the kids to see their grandparents, I'd stop inviting them to yours and go to see them. Or suggest a neutral space halfway between you. If it comes up, be honest and say "we can't afford to keep replacing the things you break dad." No accusations about weight, just a simple statement of fact. Hopefully that would be enough to make him think.

I wouldn't be pandering to the sulking, and pa stuff, your mum has made her choices but you don't have to make the same ones. Do you have siblings and what do they think?

Btw I am overweight, but acutely aware of it and if I eve got to the stage where I was breaking stuff I would be mortified and offering to pay.

[ForwardAll]

He's not sensitive. He's a bully.
Indeed...

[GoblinLittleOwl]

I think your husband is entitled to have a holiday without having to tiptoe round your father as you and your mother seem prepared to do.

It isn't just his weight; it is his refusal to help clear up, behave considerately and become the Incredible Sulk when this is brought to his notice.

[Jinxxx]

Parents or in laws on every family holiday would be my idea of hell, regardless of their various weights. If any of them was lazy,careless or petulant, they wouldn't be asked very often, if at all. Give your poor DH a break and go without them.

[Yohoodlum]

My FIL used to fit in an airline seat with an extender belt and used to break furniture. . I don't know how heavy he was but he broke sofas and chairs. I saw him break chairs in restaurants on three occasions.

Eventually he died of a stroke at 59.

[sonjadog]

What weight is he? I am considerably overweight but I have never broken anything, and I have a colleague who is obese to the point of reduced mobility, but she hasn't broken stairs or beds or anything like that!

[ForwardAll]

I have a DB, he has no time for our dad either for all the reasons above and more besides. DB has no children, so not so much an issue for him, also he lives locally to them so doesn't have to do overnight/weekend hosting.

It is MUCH easier to be at their house than vice versa, but harder for us to travel (we work full time and have 2 pre-schoolers one of whom is disabled with equipment, plus a massive dog). Our lives really are hard enough if I'm honest. I do wish I had a father who was supportive and helpful rather than one who causes me angst!

Anyway I'm going with the consensus and am going to feel ok about not inviting them! My mum will know why, and although my dad will be oblivious and probably rant to her about what a selfish daughter I am, I won't have to hear it.

[ForwardAll]

To be fair, it has usually been my DH who has suggested inviting them (and sometimes invited them without prior consultation with me, just when they've been down at ours and had a few drinks). He feels some sense of obligation to them too. It's not as if I've forced them on him in the past.

Anyway I won't be 'forcing' them on him this year I think it's time to break some habits.

[ForwardAll]

I'm pleased to see not everyone thinks I'm lying about his weight and the fact he breaks things.

[msrisotto]

God, I didn't mean to imply you were lying, I was just absolutely flabbergasted!

It is 100% reasonable to go on holiday by yourselves or with friends. You don't owe your parents an annual trip.

[jamhot]

Forward my mum's former partner was a huge chap who broke furniture too. He wore a 7-8XL (I know this as he would often request clothing for Christmas and birthdays!) and weighed in the region of 40-45 stone. He moved pretty daintily for his size his little finger poked out while he sipped his tea but still broke things. I often marvelled at how his tiny ankles held all of him up. It just didn't seem possible.

I imagine he would have broken loads more if he had thrown his weight around.

He managed to fit into a Renault Clio, so I imagine he could have squashed himself into a plane seat I'd he had tried.

[Oysterbabe]

My DF is not very overweight but he sort of flops down too. I guess it's because he's no spring chicken and his joints aren't strong enough to support him moving in a controlled way any more.
Yanbu to not invite them but I should imagine it will hurt his feelings.

[Mondrian]

My dad is over 80 yrs old & heavy - has been known to break the odd chair, at one stage he was over 135kg but is now down to 115kg. We learnt our lesson and bought sturdy chairs for their home. My FIL is also 80ish although not as heavy - both of them tend to drop themselves in chairs - its not because they are thoughtless or lazy, its just that their frail old muscles and joints can't handle certain movements such as sitting down on a chair or toilet or walking down stairs. That's why you have electric sofa chairs that rise, ie to make it easier to get up & sit down or toilet frame & support rail.

We are going on a holiday with them in summer (our first proper holiday in many years), not cause it makes it more enjoyable for us (although DC love having them around) but because that's the only break they get as they are not in a condition to travel by themselves. Its also important for the kids to see us do our bit for dear parents as one day we will be old & frail.

OP I am sure your circumstances are very different so just wanted to share our experience.

[SalemSaberhagen]

uri gellar of wood

Sorry OP, but that made me laugh out loud