to say thank you to DH?

[RoLoh]

DH tackled a particularly daunting pile of washing up yesterday that I had been putting off for a day or three and I went to thank him but then I thought, should I be thanking him for doing an everyday job that I mostly do?

Should I thank him for doing any jobs that are just a regular part of life? He doesn't thank me for washing up every day and nor should he have to.

If I thank him for doing something he should be doing anyway, am I just adding to the idea that he is 'helping' rather than simply doing his share? But I also want to let him know I appreciate him doing this stuff. I really didn't want to do that washing up!

We don't have any kind of rota or defined split of housework, though I am on maternity leave.

[SatsukiKusakabe]

Yy to the balance sheet thing - my dh goes out more than me, due to both inclination and opportunity (work dos etc) and I don't even try and match it. Except that I know it won't be a problem when I do. Equally he always asks - not permission - but courtesy, as if he's out it will impact in me. I am the primary childcarer, but not the default.

[Pinkheart5915]

I do with my husband, I just say thanks for loading the dishwasher or thanks for picking that shopping up on your way home. He normally replies with that's ok anything for you.

[acasualobserver]

Once you start the balance sheet mentality ... I think you are lost

Strongly agree.

[happyhearts7]

I love this thread. Not sure why but for some weird reason it's really cheered up my grumpy mood
I say thank you to my DH & DSs when they do something nice or to help me out, no matter how small. DH has always done it (20 years) and our DSs generally do too, it makes me cross if they forget then they're always reminded to mind their manners!!
Gatehouse77 in our house putting the rubbish out is a fate worse than death our DSs always get lots of thanks for doing that...

[JenEric]

We says thanks for stuff like this. It takes seconds and means we both feel appreciated.

[Drew64]

I don't get why you wouldn't say thank you tbh, it would be rude not to.
Please and Thank-You is something we teach our children, why wouldn't it apply to adults.
I thank my wife for all sorts of things

[figureofspeech]

If you want him to do it again then you must thank him.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

We say thank you as well. Yes, housework is basic and necessary, but a little appreciation goes a long way!

[cuckoooo]

I always thank DH and shower him in kisses because it encourages him to do it more often. :-)

There is every reason to thank him and only one not to - pride.

[Katenka]

Don't say 'well done' if dh said 'well done' to me for making a cup of tea I would say 'what? Did you think it would be too difficult for me'

Please don't say well done.

[Jux]

We always say thanks for a meal cooked or a cuppa made, probably for other things too. If you're not keen on saying it, or are worried that it will lead to something becoming your job, you can say "well done" or something instead.

[scallopsrgreat]

Would he have thanked you for tackling the great pile of washing up?

[BoomBoomsCousin]

We thank each other for doing everyday household tasks. But this came after a bit of a heated exchange near the beginning of our relationship where my DH did the laundry and let me know then had a bit of a sulk about the fact I hadn't thanked him.

I pointed out it wasn't my job it was our job and he had never thanked me for doing the laundry in our entire time together. He was a bit sheepish, but after that he started noticing when I did chores and saying thanks. And I did the same. It was an improvement on neither of us saying thanks. But I would become resentful if the thanking only went one way.

[RoLoh]

I know this is kind of a non issue but I have more time to over think silly stuff these days, especially while doing mundane stuff like washing up! And I feel these thoughts are better out than in

Of course we always thank each other in the normal ways of being polite, for cups of tea, dinners etc and I think we both feel appreciated in general, but as I tend to do most of the household stuff at the moment I guess it got me thinking that I want him to feel that stuff like washing up is normal work and not going the extra mile or whatever. Especially as I'm going back to work soon and he'll have to go back to doing half.

Anyway, thanks for over thinking this along with me

[SatsukiKusakabe]

My dh does an equal share in the household stuff in the mornings and evenings and at the weekends (I my SAHM) I try to remember to say thank you even for stuff he does regularly, as I think it's important not to take each other for granted. We don't row often but the times we do have a blow up are times when things have been particularly stressful, we're both working hard, and both end up feeling we are the only ones struggling and not taking time to notice what the other is doing as well.

My dh thanks me for dinner every single day. I don't mind cooking, I do it because I'm better at it and there, but ust nice to feel it isn't expected. Equally on rough days when he has to swoop in with something from the shop I thank him profusely for saving the day. He mostly irons his own shirts in the mornings; I get a huge thank you if I do a batch for him in one go.

I agree that if it was all one sided it wouldn't work. My ils have a relationship where if fil runs the vacuum round it's 'I did that for mother' as though he doesn't benefit from the clean floor.

Household stuff is the responsibility of everybody for the benefit of everybody in the family, and we try and pass that on to the children as well.

I help the kids tidy their toys and thank them even if they've tipped them out, but I get paid back in kind now, young as they are. I am glad they have a great role model in their dad in this respect, but I want them to feel this is normal and not above and beyond for a man.

My parents worship dh when they see him giving his children breakfast, doing the washing up etc. I get rude comments about the things 'I' haven't done. I want my dd to have a better example, but that starts with respect for each other.

[OohMavis]

It's nice to say thank you

I think it's as simple as that really.

[nocoolnamesleft]

I'd thank him. Positive reinforcement of behaviour you want to encourage! Cynical, me? :-p

[Helenluvsrob]

We thank each other for doing " normal household stuff" why wouldn't you? And I thank the DC too.

We don't however attach the " for you" to anything as in "I've done the washing up for you" , that would make me reach for a sharp poking stick to poke him with!

That would be akin to " I'll ask DH if he can babysit so I can go out" .

Household stuff is team work. I really appreciate it especially say last night arriving home at 7pm to tea nearly done.

[FindingNormal]

We always say thank you to eachother for doing jobs. It's not just one way.

[Gatehouse77]

We thank each other (including DC) for being helpful. Whether it's doing a household job, passing the salt, swapping a wash over, etc.

We don't see it as praise, more appreciation. Especially if it's a job no one likes to do...like putting out the bins. Hilarious watching my 15 year old DD put on rubber gloves and treat it like she's handling toxic waste

[Katenka]

I generally do the washing up. On Sunday dh cooked and when I started washing up he said 'sit down, I'll do that'

No 'for you' attached. It's a job that needs doing, it usually my job. I said thank you. Not for doing it 'for me' but for doing it. I agree with pp about the balance sheet. It's never good.

Dbro and sil do this. If he goes out, she has to go out and vice verse. It causes issues. If one has two nights out planned the other squeezes in two. They then complain they don't have enough money or quality time together with the kids. It's becoming ridiculous and their need to have exactly the same free time is ruining them and causing resentment.

If dh had his mates birthday and then a works night out planned, I wouldn't feel the need to plan two nights out. Just because. But I know if I say to dh I am going out a week on Saturday there would be no problem.

[NinaSimoneful]

I agree with SchnooSchnoo I find it a bit annoying when DH looks for praise for doing something domestic - he does not say thank you for his clean clothes; for the clean dishes/pots/pans; for the fresh bedsheets; for the clean floors... But he really does seem to see it as doing it 'for me' whenever he 'helps out'. I see it more as 'you live here too'. But I'll say thank you if it encourages him pulling his weight the odd time helping.

[peggyundercrackers]

I agree with FarrowandBallAche your overthinking things and reading too many posts on here.

[jellybean2000]

You:

"Thank you for doing the washing up" = Fine

"Thank you for doing my washing up" = Not fine

Him:

"I did the washing up" = Fine

"I did your washing up" = Not fine

"I did the washing up for you" = Not fine

[ScoutsMam]

We've found it works best for us if you always get told 'thank you'. It's nice to be thanked and the thankers take the few seconds to appreciate someone making their tea, doing their washing or doing something nice. We split everything fairly and DS does what we feel is an age appropriate amount.

I hate the 'I did X for you'.

DS is being taught that you do it because "you bloody live here not because you're some sort of saint for putting your sister's toys away".