own family v in-laws

[vdbfamily]

AIBU in thinking that it is normal for daughters to have a closer type of relationship with their mums than sons as adults and therefore unrealistic for d-i-l's to be expecting that the family dynamics be the same for all the families. For example, when I had my babies at home pre school, I often used to bundle them into the car and go and spend the day nattering to my mum. Sometimes my mum used to let me know if one of my S-I-L's was coming and I'd go up so the kids could play together which they always loved and still do.
One of my S-I-L's once asked me not to come when she was there because she wanted her children to have quality time with their grandparents. She felt my kids got more time with them. The mad thing about this is although my parents love the grand-kids they have never been very hands on and if you ever left the kids with them you knew they would be fed and watered but spend the rest of the time playing in the garden or house pretty much unsupervised.
There are threads where women moan about their mother-in-laws not doing this and that and treating their children differently to other grandchildren but I would like to bet the difference is mostly between daughters and sons and because married sons often spend less time with their parents than married daughters,it makes it hard for the dynamics to be equal.Does that make sense.(even if a bit of a generalisation!)

[TruJay]

I do think this is true in some families but is incredibly sad. I have tried so hard to create a good relationship with inlaws and its miles better than it once was but will never be what I want. We facilitate their relationship with dc and visit them, it's hardly ever the other way round we live literally over the road
We are hugely close to my mum dad not in the pic and she has a brilliant relationship with dc.
We're the only ones with dc out of 7 kids (DH 1 of 4, me 1 of 3) from both our families so far but already when sil has kids they will be the first proper grandchildren apparently because she was supposed to get married and have kids first feet stamp don't we know that?

My mum adores my brother as do me sis and me and we can't wait to be aunties and my mum grandma to his children, they will be loved just as much as my dc. We are a very close little family though. My brother is awesome I guess it just depends on families

[Bluebolt]

One of the main driving forces is that still in many cases women are doing most of the early years maternity/ childcare so the women gravitate to their own mothers. If men took over the bulk of childcare they too would more often than not visit their own parents rather than the ILs.

[dolkapots]

Maybe a lot of it is our own insecurities? I remember when my DM retired that she started doing school pick ups for DSSis' children. Admittedly I felt a pang on envy as this was something she had never done for mine, and it really limited days that we could do things together. I realized though that this was entirely my issue. It was not about equality or having preferences, it was circumstances. I am genuinely happy for my step nieces that they have a GP picking them up rather than an after school pick up service.

[pigsDOfly]

I have a much closer relationship with my DDs than my DS and know that my DS's DP has a very close relationship with her DM, so I would expect she would gravitate towards her own DM when she wants help with their DC (none yet so far).

I get where OP's SIL is coming from. I have a particularly close relationship with one of my DDs (also no DC yet) but I imagine if they both had DC, my DS's DP might feel a bit left out, and by extension feel her DC were a bit left out, if every time she came to my house my DD was there with her DC.

Having said that, I'm pretty certain I would not do anything to make her feel this way. I just think that generally, the DM/DD relationship is going to be closer than the MIL/DIL relationship.

[dolkapots]

I think you turning up every time she visits is very unfair.

I think context is important. If you are turning up because you were going anyway is completely different to turning up because you can't bear to miss something/feel threatened. The OP said she visited regularly anyway, it didn't seem like she was barging in so that MIL/SIL couldn't get time together. If her Mum purposely lets her know that SIL is going to be there I would (perhaps wrongly?) assume that she wants me there too.

MN has been like a beacon of light for me. It has shown me things from differing angles that I honestly wouldn't have seen otherwise. I am a "the more the merrier" type of person, but I suppose others like exclusivity as well.

[Katenka]

It's a weird dynamic.

Tbh my sil used to do what you do. They live a few doors up from my mum and whenever I went round she brought her kids round.

It's pissed me off. I never got to see my own mum on my own. Also my mum never got to my kids on their own.

My sil insisted she had to be as important to my mum as I was and tried to ban me and mum from doing anything without her. Even if she had been invited. I went away with mum for a few days. Sil had been invited and declined and still kicked off at my dad when we went away. Ruined the whole weekend when dbro called and had a go.

Mum flipped out at them both. Sil goes away with her mum and doesn't invite anyone. Dbro goes out with our dad and doesn't invite my dh.

The mil, dd, dil dynamic is hard. No mil is every going to have the same connection with her dil as her dd.

I think you turning up every time she visits is very unfair.

[dolkapots]

Sorry but I don't see that children need 1:1 time with their GP's. I don't think I ever saw my GP's as a child without my cousins also being there. We were very much a unit, and although we fought looking back on it it was lovely. It is something I strive for, but into the mix I have step siblings on both sides which massively complicates things. I always invite everyone together and have never actually thought about my kids having exclusive quality time with my Mum.

I would think it was very strange if one of my SIL's told me not to visit my mother's house. If you want exclusive time you need to invite them to your house. I was reading about increased levels of narcissism in later Generation X, and from MN alone I can see why.

[Zaurak]

Depends on so many things. My current in laws are nice but I don't know them well.

My exps parents were just the nicest people on earth. I was incredibly close to them and I still miss them years down the line.

[BillSykesDog]

This thread just makes no sense. So if SILs are closer to their parents than their in laws that's wrong. But if they try and foster friendly relations with their in laws that's wrong too because they're treading on the toes of their other children. But if they're your parents it's fine for you to be closer to your parents than your ILs but your SILs are wrong for doing the same thing? My head hurts.

[lem73]

Agreed vdb. My DD loves playing with her cousins but I hate that she always has to share her grandparents.

[vdbfamily]

Silverduck....what do you think the kids would prefer?
For some kids it might be time with GP but for my kids and hers they just wanted to see each other and play in the garden and for Grandma to cook tea for them later. It was only SIL unhappy with this as to her it was some sort of competition. When my brother brought the kids up he would always phone and suggest we met them there as he knew the kids wanted to see their cousins.

[vdbfamily]

I do agree geography plays a big factor and I would really hate it if a GP started saying that this toy was so and so's etc but as I said before, my parents were/are happy to be involved but in a very hands off way. If the kids wanted to actually spend time with my parents it would be by helping with the gardening , walking the dog,or cooking tea etc. They have a great garden and mostly the kids would just play in it with their parent supervising.My visits would not be for my kids to have QT with GP.

[vdbfamily]

puglife, I will admit your thread got me thinking about this but I am amalgamating lots of threads into it really. There seem to be lots of threads about women who want their parents/mum around after they have a baby but not so keen on the in-laws. In some ways in a healthy relationship I feel this is natural as you want to be as relaxed as possible and not have the in-law dynamic, or feel you cannot say what you need/want for fear of offending (not something you want to think about when you have a newborn).
I guess what I am musing is that in a situation where you are closer to your mum and less close to your in-laws, sometimes through your choice, is it fair to complain that they see less of DH and more of his siblings. I don't know if your DH siblings are sisters or brothers in this instance? Sometimes that is just the way things are and the people complaining about it, if they looked at their own family dynamic might see the same thing happening.
My SIL's are much closer to their parents than DH. It does not bother us a bit.

[silverduck]

I can see where your SIL was coming from. My sister uses parents for childcare, so they get 1:1 time, then they turn up when we're there and I want my kids to get some of that 1:1 and it just doesn't happen when there are loads of kids.

[roundaboutthetown]

I think, OP, you were just suffering from a deranged sil.

[FreshHorizons]

I find it very weird that a mother would be closer to a DD - I find it is often the opposite. My mother sees my brother every week and me about 4 times a year. It is my SIL that spends the most time with her. It is all meaningless - it is just geography.
I think it is insecurity that people have to think of pecking orders in families.

[puglife15]

Well I'm the person who started the thread this thread is about, and you've seemingly deliberately taken it out of context/ twisted what was said there.

But then you, like my MIL, believe that mothers will automatically be closer to their daughters' children... Glad to see many posters refuting that. Every family dynamic is different.

[vdbfamily]

Cauliflower, I think it is more of a musing than a question and probably not an AIBU but I could not see where else to put it.
Still, it is always interesting to get different perspectives and I guess all families are very different and very complex really so generalisations are maybe not helpful!?

[vdbfamily]

I also am not saying that our family units relationship with my parents is more important than with DH's parents, but I am the one in our relationship who has to nag DH to make any contact with his parents at all. They were NC for 12 years and he would have just let that be their choice but I nagged and nagged and nagged the poor man and eventually there was reconcilliation and we are seeing them regularly again.
Maybe that is part of my problem. I come from a large extended family and we don't tend to do things 1 - 1. With my brothers, they would always say when they would be at mum and dads and expect us all to be there so we could catch up and the kids would play. It was just this one SIL who wanted the 1-1 time, and now she has left the relationship her kids get massive amounts of QT with their grandparents ironically.

[CauliflowerBalti]

I don't even understand the question...

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

MIL has nephew after school and all day/overnight on a Saturday - yet every time we visit (3 hour drive) SIL drops him off and he gets full on attention - to the exclusion of our DC

Their choice - it's annoying when the kids ask and we have no answers -

They go the play with the Lego and "that's DN Lego" or they "DN" bedroom - they don't have anything at GP and they just rub it in!!!

Who knows why they do this - but as DC are older they want less to do with them -

[vdbfamily]

I should add that this is sort of historic really. Said SIL has since left my brother and the kids are all teenagers.
I do have a son and of course I hope to remain close to him but I think that ongoing relationship often depends on who the son marries. If he marries someone who decides to make the relationship a competition with MIL then it can become very difficult for some men.Hopefully this will not be the case.

[Junosmum]

I'm not close to my mum. DH is much closer to his mum. Both parents live about 2 hours away, so it isn't much of an issue. Even if I lived round the corner from either, I wouldn't just pop round for a natter, DH would however.

[vdbfamily]

I do not think I anywhere said that my parents are closer to my children or prefer them. In fact they see far more of 2 of my brothers kids, one brothers marriage ended and so they took on quite alot of childcare for his 4 kids and another brother has older kids who take themselves regularly to see grandparents. I just find it annoying when in one breath someone moans that they do not want their in-laws to visit their new born grandchild for weeks because they would prefer to just have their parents there, and in another breath moan that their DH is bottom of the pile because his sister gets more attention from the parents.(this might vaguely be a TAAT but is a recurring theme) It is not realistic to think that your relationship with your in-laws will necessarily be the same as with your parents. (although I do know that there are many instances of it being better where the parental relationship has not been good)
I guess the point with my SIL was that it was always very competitive, to the point where I got told off for getting pregnant one time because it was 'her turn'. The kids all loved playing together and are still really close years later and they did not give a fig about QT with G & G they wanted to have fun with their cousins in the garden. It does not always have to be such a competition.I would seldom arrange to visit my parents.I just go when I get the chance. It reached a stage where if I saw her car there I would just turn round and leave or I would get grief. That made me a bit sad really.
Also, seeing alot of my parents never made my kids favoured,if anything the opposite. I sit and listen endlessly to stories about all the other GCC and their wonderful achievements, and receive plenty of unwarranted advice about how I could improve my own kids behaviour etc.

[BarbarianMum]

Luckily dh is one of 2 brothers so our kids don't have to be second best and neither do my SiL or myself