DH - is he a tosser or me ?

[TheChimpParadox]

DH - Tosser

Ok - so me and DH have been out tonight for a meal - couple bottles of wine. Result is we are now at home having had a disagreement and sleeping in separate rooms.

The issue being that he is constantly criticising my input with supporting the children's education. Let me explain. ...

When the children were toddlers I took a career break ( never went back to that career) because of the of working part time and DH working long hours and abroad at short notice. I was a SAHM with two young children whilst DH worked ( plus went out drinking / socialising with no regard of responsibility at home ).

One child had health problems which resulted in back and fore to hospital and therapists which I organised and attended appointments. I was always around for school picks up drop offs , school holidays , illness , you name it I picked up the pieces when DH was working etc. Did the usual helping reading etc at school etc

I also during this time did some voluntarily work and did evening classes to retrain in a more family friendly job ( I e term time working) and when children at school found employment which worked around school hours and term time.

Role on 10 yrs or so. Both children at secondary school , I am now in full time work with quite a responsible role ( due to my previous career and then subsequent voluntarily roles) . DH semi retired and works from home which means he had now taken over the role as main career and has main oversight of what the children are up to.

Re the children's education , with one approaching GCSE , I take responsibility for certain subjects and DH others. Whilst I was a SAHM I always got the children into the habit of doing homework straight away when they got home so the later part of the evening they could relax. This continue to this day even though I am not at home when they get home from school .

I have been criticised tonight by DH by having no interest and putting no input into the children's education. I got somewhat pissed off by this ( constant) criticism and tried to explain that I work full time and that he is at home and that 10 yrs ago the tables were turned. I got quite pissed off with him and said ( righty or wrongly) that I was obviously a crap mother despite being around in the children's early years.

At that point he walks out of the restaurant leaving me sit like a complete idiot !

We are now at home in separate rooms .

Need to rant , feel like DH is a complete tosser .. I may be ... I don't know

[deregistered]

Are you good at talking things out, being honest and listening to each other?

Because that's what you need to do. Yes it's stating the bleeding obvious but sometimes you need a difficult conversation, even a row, to move to a point of mutual understanding and resolution. Do it when you are not drunk or hungover

[MakewayforNoddy]

I think there is more to this than just the DCs education. My DH is also semi retired and we are in similar position with me working full-time and him doing most of the child and home care. After years of working in a high stress environment, the adjustment for him has been HUGE and has definitely led to many disagreements and niggles. Could he be resenting the switch in balance you have had and be finding it difficult to adjust?

[TheWhoreOfBabyliss]

For the restaurant thing alone, he is a tosser. Some people watch too much telly.

[Clearoutre]

It sounds like a largepart of this is frustration pouring over from remembering how much you did for the kids when they were little & didn't 'crack' in the same way your husband has - even though you may have wanted/needed to many times over. If so, may be it's time to admit how hard you found things and therefore how angering it is to hear his complaining and criticising now.

You need to support each other - for what you have struggled through in the past and for what he's struggling with now.

[Gobbolino6]

Yes, he's a tosser.

That said, I wonder (and it's a shot in the dark) if it is you who sets the goalposts for parental input into education, and your DH who has the lion's share of actually carrying this out? In that case, he might not agree with the level of involvement and resent it.

By secondary school age, of course I'd be there to assist if required and I would keep an eye that the work was actually being completed, but having particular subjects assigned to each parent suggests it's possible you're a bit over-involved.

[PirateSmile]

I agree with all the pp re your husband's behaviour but you both sound too intense about your dc education. I also have a DS approaching GCSEs and there's no way I would 'take responsibility' for certain subjects. Perhaps you need to give your dc a bit more space with their education. They need to take responsibility for themselves.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Yes, he is a tosser, not you.

You have put years into your DC, put your career on hold, changed it as necessary to fit around the DC - in effect, put them and their needs first the whole time they were growing up and done it because you needed to.
He, meantime, did what he liked (while still providing for the family of course but apart from the financial input, did what he liked)
After 13 or so years, he is able to semi-retire - so he does.
At which point, he takes on more of a caring role - but apparently this wipes out all the years that you were doing it without asking for or needing recognition - whereas now, because you're busy working full time, you've suddenly become a bit more how he used to be in the early days, and he's got the gall to criticise you for it?

Words fail, really. Hypocritical tosser. Of course he doesn't want to look back at the past because he knows he doesn't shine in his parental role back then; he only wants to look at the present where he feels superior to you in terms of parental input.

As for storming off and leaving you in the restaurant - height of bad manners. Perhaps he's looking for a way out?

[RubbleBubble00]

Is he feeling overwhelmed by higher level of hw?

[TendonQueen]

Sounds like a tosser. I bet it does suit him not to 'focus on the past' when you did all the hard work and to turn instead to being critical about now! Let him stew.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

araiba not sure I do either.

However he is a tosser for storming out of restaurant in a huff. That would mightily piss me off.

[araiba]

you should revisit this in the morning because i have read op 3 times and i have no idea what happened

[Vintage45]

Sleep well Bakeoff.

[bakeoffcake]

No I didn't mention you first I responded to the comment you made to me.

"We don't know that he's a tosser Bakeoff"

Anyway it late, I'm off to sleep.

[Waltermittythesequel]

A couple of bottles of wine?

Sleep it off and argue properly tomorrow

[Vintage45]

Probably due to you naming me in something first maybe?

[bakeoffcake]

Vintage, he's been called a fuckwit, a wanker a prick and a tosser on this thread. And the OP did ask.

I'm not sure why your picking up my "name calling"

[Canyouforgiveher]

Two bottles of wine sometimes brings out the worst in both parties and a minor disagreement turns into a huge one.

This. but storming out of a restaurant and leaving me there would be a huge thing for me.

your children are in secondary so how much input does he really have into education anyway?

it is in primary that the "lets do that reading/I'll hear your tables/I have cotton wool you can use for the project/yes I can make you a costume of King Arthur" happens. by secondary they just need someone there to help if stuck and give them dinner and listen while they tell you what happened with their friends that day.

I think your dh wants to re-write history to minimise your contributions. Why would he want to be that mean?

[Vintage45]

Im sort of pragmatic in these issues when things have become huge with drink so don't really back up name calling Bakeoff.

[WahhHelpMe]

Seems like you wanted more input from him when he was full time and you PT, the roles have reversed and he said perhaps what you were thinking of then and didn't like it.

Seems like both of you believe when you are in PT work the FT partner doesn't pull their weight in regards to childcare.

[UnderCrackers5]

He didn't constantly criticise you ten tears ago, did he?
So he doesn't have a problem with what you do ?


Sounds to me like you are feeling guilty and therefore imagining that one comment has become 'constant criticism'

[bakeoffcake]

Vintage the OP asked in her Opening Post if he was a tosser.

I was just answering her question

[Vintage45]

We don't know that he's a tosser Bakeoff, he is tonight but he might say the same thing about her so, let's wait and see if the OP comes back to the thread in the morning to elaborate.

[bakeoffcake]

You say you have to put up with "constant criticism" so it's obviously not a one off.

You did everything "educational" for 10 years, now it's his turn and he doesn't like it.

He's a tosser and a nasty one at that.

[GruntledOne]

Wow, if I'd drunk a full bottle of wine I wouldn't be able to speak, let alone carry on an argument.

[NanaNina]

I too wondered if this was booze related - a bottle of wine each is fairly heavy going.