Missed birthday money

[UsedtobeFeckless]

Right - before you all grab your torches and pitchforks and get down to business I KNOW I would be a total git to bring this up but I need to hear it from a howling mob of internet strangers to convince my subconscious to shut up ...

My parents give all their Grandchildren a cheque for Christmas and birthdays. It's generally a couple of hundred quid and it's not for spending, it goes into a savings account for house / car / travelling / ransom money. This is very, very kind of them and much appreciated as DP and I are not exactly skint but not rolling in it either, if you see what I mean.

Anyway - this year they forgot DS1. There's been no falling out, they've not fallen on hard times - DS2 got his as usual, which is what reminded me - and I don't know if I should mention it or not. Well, actually I feel like I shouldn't but then I feel like I'll be letting him down if I don't ...

Help!

[rainbowstardrops]

I would mention it. Just say you're not sure if you've misplaced it because you were so busy at the time.
Communication.

[StealthPolarBear]

Usually ywbu but in these circumstances you need to ask.

[WeAllHaveWings]

I have asked about birthday money before, but only because after sending to ds for years, one year they sent to the wrong address and the person brought to our house. So when it never arrived again the following year it was clear they had the wrong address somehow. I told them not to dare resend the money but check their address book.

I think in this instance its an oversight, and I think they are very generous so personally I wouldn't want them to feel bad by bringing it up. If you are worried one ds1 is missing out give them 1/2 of ds2's money this year (especially as its going into savings anyway).

[FoxesSitOnBoxes]

I think it depends on your relationship with your parents. I wouldn't hesitate to ask mine if they'd given DS a cheque because I was wondering if if lost it or if they'd forgotten. It wouldn't be a biggy at all.
If you don't think you could ask without it causing upset then I don't think I would ask.

[PrincessFiorimonde]

I second Muskateersmummy's post (and other posters who've said similar). It seems that you and your parents are close, and this was either an oversight on their part, or you lost the cheque - so I can't see the harm in asking.

If you're not sure whether to ask them, why don't you mention it to your sister/brother and ask them what they think?

[Elledouble]

Can't you just tell the truth? That you know they are so generous and you don't for a moment expect them to keep writing cheques, but you can't find one for DS1 and you're not sure whether that's cos you've lost it or cos there wasn't one? They're your parents!

[Collaborate]

They'd want to know, surely, if it's been lost. Get it over with ASAP and mention it to them.

[UsedtobeFeckless]

WeAll That's a good idea - Every other Grandchild go a birthday windfall and everyone including DS1 got a Christmas cheque so I think either they forgot or I stuck it in a pocket and then lost it ... Another close relative had just had a stroke and half the team at work had just left after a huge row with the management so I was running round trying to be in six places at once so it's quite possible it's all my fault anyway!

I'll just split DS2's cash between them and say no more about it - I can't face telling my Dad I lost it ... He already thinks I'm rubbish with money because I blow it on new-fangled nonsense like washing machines!

[tickory2]

Exactly as has already been said, that you sound close and there are no 'issues' in your family. So I would just ask if I were you. Otherwise it's not fair that ds1 received and ds2 didn't. After all, it's become a sort of tradition from your parents. I'm sure they would feel badly if you didn't mention it and they found out much later.

[Seriouslyffs]

Definitely tell themselves incase it's been lost. Or they've noticed you've not paid it in and think you're ungrateful.

[IndridCold]

Tell them you are worried you might have lost it and they may want to cancel the cheque. They will then have a look at their cheque book and will either write another one, or they will notice that they had forgotten!

[BigginsforPope]

You don't say how old your dc is but I know when I and my siblings reached 18 we stopped receiving cheques from our Grandparents. Perhaps this is the case here.

[OneMagnumisneverenough]

We had similar at Christmas which resolved itself.

My Mum is elderly and had said when we were visiting at beginning of December - we go roughly monthly - that she "wasn't doing Christmas this year", I was absolutely fine with that but wasn't quite sure what that meant in reality. We left her present anyway :) DSs are in their early teens and she generally gives them a card with cash in it.

Anyway, we had weather etc so didn't get down until between Christmas and New Year, there are normally also gifts to pick up from other family members but nothing was there and then my DH gets on at the boys to say thank you for their Christmas gift to Granny, they were a bit but did it anyway. Mum said nothing, just smiled. Then normally when we leave she slips them a few quid but again nothing.

I usually tell her they have plenty so not to bother but she generally insists.

Don't get me wrong. I have always told her she is over generous and she is not well off and I really couldn't care if she gives them something or not - they get plenty.

But the way things were worded, I wasn't sure if she'd meant to give them someone and had forgotten or had she given the other grandchildren or not or what- like you, I really couldn't say anything

Anyway, just prior to Christmas I had contacted my sister saying I had something for her DC and did she want me to post it, leave it at my Mums or would we catch up after Christmas, she responds saying catch up in January some time and that she has a gift from my brother for the boys and something from her. So we eventually catch up last week and she had a pile of envelopes for the boys with cash in from family including my Mum as well as her and my brothers gifts so all was resolved. it just felt really awkward and I had been on the point of asking her if her DC had got a gift from my mum.

It makes you feel really mercenary but as I say it was more wondering if she'd meant to not give them or not.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

OP you have to address this with them. It has nothing to do with being unreasonable. A missing cheque needs to be treated seriously, even if it is only a possibility of it being missing.

Have them check their cheque book, and if the cheque has been written, they need to check whether it has been cashed. If so and it was not by you and you have forgotten they should contact the fraud department at their bank. If it has not been cashed, they should put a stop payment on it.

I hope you don't think I am overreacting but I have been the victim of cheque fraud and so has my work. It is not fun and it went on for ages and almost cost the company upwards of £10,000.

[Namechange02]

I think it's fine to ask. I would check with my mum in this scenario. Why on earth would they give to one dc and not the other if there's no back story? Either they forgot, or you lost it. Either way, you need to know.

I had a different situation with MIL - she wrote a cheque for dc but put the wrong date on. She changed the date but initialled it. But you have to do a full signature again these days. So the bank didn't accept the cheque. But dh wouldn't ask her for another cheque. I made it up myself.

Funnily enough my father did something very similar a few months later and the bank did accept it...depends totally on who you pay in a cheque to...

[PoohBearsHole]

I would mention it, admit you had a lot on and you can't remember if they gave it to you or not. If not you can always say no problem don't worry I just wanted to check that it wasn't my mistake. As you've already said it could well be your error and if you dad takes the piss so be it

[UsedtobeFeckless]

Ouch Hearts I never thought of that! I'll take a deep breath and give them a ring.

Thanks everyone!