conversation with DH

[MrsDeathOfRats]

So, I just got a parking ticket. (No signs, been parking there for years and the actual ticket is gone, just a yellow bag on my car! but that's another story)

Anyway, I called DH, because it's OUR car, that we split all the costs for and because he's my DH.
At one point during the call I was talking and H just kept repeating the same thing over me talking. I got frustrated and said 'oh sorry! Excuse me for trying to finish my sentence!' In a bit of a pissy tone (he has IMMENSE form for talking over me)
He said 'I wasn't you were cutting off'
Me 'oh well I didn't know that'
And we ended the call.

About 10 mins later we are both arriving home at exactly the same time.
He parked and I was walking over with the buggy.
Him 'what is wrong with you?'
Me 'nothing is wrong with me'
And we discussed the ticket but he is clearly pissed off.
We have been having struggles together and lots of nit picking arguments. He has a short temper. I have a low bullshit threshold.

Me 'it doesn't help us move on from an 'incident' if your first words to me are always accusatory and aggressive'
Him 'I wasn't. Something is wrong with you. Maybe it's the ticket but your not normal'
Me 'yes I was, I was fine but then you spoke to me like that without even bothering to say hello. Just straight in aggressively'
Him 'you were the one screaming at me on the phone over nothing. You should be apologising but now your starting a fight'
Me 'I didn't scream at you'
Him 'you were screaming cos u didn't know my phone was cutting out and u got a ticket and now, as usual, you want to take everything out on me'

It has escalated into a proper argument.
Me saying that he didn't need to speak to me that way and this whole argument could have been avoided if he had simply said hello and asked why I was upset rather then saying something is wrong with me in such a 'this is all your fault' manner.
He also called me crazy, and also the added in 'AS USUAL, you just want to take it out on me'

This isn't normal is it? It's like he is saying all the things that he feels about himself.

[nameschangerer]

I haven't rtft but it completely amazes me that someone has come on to a public forum to ask advice about this argument. I agree it's a pointless fight, you're both being petty and difficult. You're not just upset by his reaction, he explained that he kept cutting up and you're overreacting now to it. but reading between the lines I am going to say:

He's clearly resentful of being the sole earner and he's tired.You're clearly resentful because your given an allowance for an exhaustive job and this isn't acknowledged by him. This to me is the issue and will only be resolved by his thoughts shifting or you gaining some financial independence.

[Jux]

The root cause of all your problems really is the division of money. He thinks he owns you and can dictate to you. He minimises your work and exagerates the importance of his.

If he ever looks after the children for a day alone, leave him a list of what you would get done whilst also entertaining and feeding and cleaning the small ones, and see how he does. Don't worry about them, he'll get his mum to do it so they won't come to harm.

[Imustgodowntotheseaagain]

My ex used to suggest there was something wrong with me if I spoke up for myself. It's why he's my ex.

[lostinmiddlemarch]

He has a short temper. I have a low bullshit threshold.

I think you both have a short temper TBH. The thing that comes across from your OP is the mountains of self-righteous indignation, when he is probably feeling a very, very similar way.

You were pissed off when you saw him as a result of the phone call. He picked up on that immediately (I expect you were planning to be fine but he saw through it at once) and it irked him, because he felt you'd been snappy with him.

However the allowance thing is crackers. I don't know what that even means. My DH's salary goes into a shared account and that is our money, all of it. We discuss payments over £50 (though usually over £20) and we keep track of where every penny went and talk it through reasonably once a month. We both waste money sometimes but we know we've both been guilty of it. There's no nit picking about it. I would go spare if he was siphoning off most of his salary and giving me an allowance.

Other than that, your perspective isn't great. You need to be honest with yourself and him about the mood you're bringing to the interaction. Him seeing a problem isn't illegal. Him being pissed off isn't illegal either.

[Goingtobeawesome]

I didn't think what you said was that bad but he is under the impression he gets to control you and it seems like you think he has the right too.

[Duckdeamon]

He is a parent too and would not be able to do his job and earn fhat money without childcare, which you are covering to your financial detriment.

[PastaLaFeasta]

Of course he is bring shitty, but it does sound like you are both playing roles in this relationship which are completely disfunctional. If he won't consider counselling it isn't a great sign, have you tried books you could read together to guide your discussions? I have similar with my DH but we've often managed to talk and stop the behaviour, things are fairly ok now but it's cyclical and can start again. Although he'd never be shitty about a parking ticket etc, just as I didn't give him (much) grief for reversing into a parked car recently. And it's all shared money, we don't need any allowance as we just buy things we want or need from that one pot, stay at home saves us more than I'd make going to work and paying for childcare etc. I have no idea what DH would spend his money on if he had an allowance, we save a lot so eventually we can buy a bigger home. As you are married you technically own half of everything anyway.

[scallopsrgreat]

And I agree with 3WiseWomen in that you can't separate your other issues out from this one. I just disagree that its 6 of one and half a dozen of the other in terms of communication as his attitude in other areas explains how he communicates with you.

[3WiseWomen]

I would suggest you go away for the evening and the weekend for a while so he can have a 'dry run' at looking after the dcs whilst you are working.

With the proviso that, as you are working, HW HAS to be shared equally so he has to do some when he has the dcs. I suspect he will change his tune and won't be that keen to see you go to work in evenings and weekends. I suspect he knows that but is using the excuse you are not earning any money to put you down

[43percentburnt]

Sorry cross post, hope you work things out. With the ticket go photograph the sign (or lack of it) least then you may be able to appeal.

[Katenka]

This is one of the issues that comes up when people are sahms. Each both think the other has it easier.

I have done both sahm and woh. Both are incredibly hard.

It does sound like you are both very similar. Both quick to react and both quick to blame the other.

There is obviously resentment between you both. Not sure how you can clear that without communicating.

I know in our early days dh used to take it personally if I moaned about something. As though I was saying my life was harder. We both had to work hard at listening to each other and actually explaining ourselves.

[scallopsrgreat]

'I would swap with you in a heartbeat. Working is hard and you just stay at home all day' Oh please. Take him up on that offer. Really. Call his bluff.

He sounds awful quite frankly and I feel for you having to tolerate his sense of entitlement.

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

Ugh. Give up on this thread and make one in Relationships then. I have a feeling discussing today's particular issue will be like rearranging deckchairs, OP.

[3WiseWomen]

MrsDeaath you can't separate the issue you have with communication with all the other issues.

If you/he are ressentful of the situation (whether it is you are a SAHM, the split of money or anything else that is going on), that you are not feeling valued within the relationship, this will come out in the way you communicate.
It's hard enough to change knee jerked reactions (such as assuming he is talking over you because that's what he has being doing for so long). If on the top of it you are ressentful of other things, it is nearly impossible.

FWIW, I think you automatically assumed he was talking over you and reacted accordingly (been annoyed).
He automatically raised to that and got aggressive etc... because you weren't following his script.
Both of yoou 'failed' at changing the way you are communicating.

[43percentburnt]

Hmm, my dh is a sahd, we have equal access to all money. Yep I pay to commute, I also sometimes buy lunch (I try and take my own most days) but all accounts are joint.

Just because I go to work doesn't mean he is less deserving of money then me. If he wasn't at home then we would incur childcare costs and life would be far more difficult (nights away with work, staying late etc). I want my dh to have equal access to funds, why wouldn't I?

[MrsDeathOfRats]

He has out right said that it is pointless expense putting kids in day care so yes I would have to get a job I can do evenings and weekends after he comes home from work.

He hasn't actually said that that would give me 'all day to do housework' but he often says 'I would swap with you in a heartbeat. Working is hard and you just stay at home all day'
Whenever he does stay in with the kids he does NOTHING but play. No housework, no shopping cooking etc so yes he thinks I have it very easy.

I know there are deeper seated issues in my marriage but I was just focusing on one element with my op. I didn't intend to derail this into a relationship thread cos AIBU is not the place for those

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

It sounds a bit like he expects you to be an irrational hormonal angry woman and so that's what he hears, regardless.

On the couple of occasions I've perceived the merest hint of that kind of thing going on with my own DP I have gone nuclear until he was in no doubt as to what I thought of such behaviour (whether he was indeed thinking that or whether it was a misunderstanding - either way he was taking what I said the wrong way, and refusing to accept that I wasn't saying what he was suggesting, so better safe than sorry).

[Duckdeamon]

The financial arrangements sound very unfair, and his punishment to you for SaH when he wants you to work? If you do WoH will he do a greater share of childcare and domestics? (somehow I suspect he may be one of those men who want you to find a flexible and well paid job! And not change his routine at all).

Him saying "there's something wrong with you" is not OK. Refusing to attend counselling isn't great either: could you go alone?

On a practical note, appealling parking tickets is often worthwhile!

[Musicaltheatremum]

Trouble is, I think mobile signals can cause problems. I can end up having very dysfunctional conversations with my daughter when her signal drops out ( she always calls when she is on the move) and we can get irritated with each other. Sounds as though you need to take a deep breath and both apologise but there may be deeper issues.

[Cutecat78]

Sounds like you have NITS (negative interlocking triggers).

Google it.

[scallopsrgreat]

Oh and constantly talking over you - another red flag.

[scallopsrgreat]

So he calls you 'crazy'? He gives you an allowance that is a 1/6th of his? And I'm guessing he never apologises?

Huge red flags.

What would he say if you suggested there was just one pot of money that you both took out of?

Or if you presented him with a bill for the 'non-existent' work you do?

[Arkwright]

I would challenge the ticket if there are no signs as you say. They can't issue a ticket unless you are made aware.

[MrsDeathOfRats]

He won't go to counselling.

All the other issues aside. It really was the initial conversation I was interested in. I find it difficult to tell when I am being unreasonable or not because according to DH I am always unreasonable.
I can't help but think that this just indicates quite how unsuited we are for each other or if I am just an incredibly unreasonable person.

[3WiseWomen]

Oh .... OK you have much more problem there than just issues with communications.
You have massive issues with the fact you are at home and he is ressentful that you are not working.
And you are ressentful that he isn't appreciative of any of the work you are doing.

You are not going to improve yur communication until you are actually trying to sort out those issue too.