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AIBU?

Married couple having sex in the same room as a teenager - weird family?

75 replies

SlobbyGobby · 30/01/2016 13:09

Thinking about something recently after watching CBB and the housemates cringing that they could hear noises from Jeremy/Stephanie snogging in the bedroom. When I was a young teen, say 13/14, my (9 years older) sister and her husband moved back into the family home as they were in between houses.

For some reason they ended up sharing my bedroom, the bottom bunk bed, whilst I was on the top one . One night I very clearly heard and felt (bed rocking like the clappers) them have sex. They knew I was awake but didn't care. I just lay there with the covers over my head wanting to die. The next morning, they told the rest of the family and it was seen as a massive joke, with my disgust being seen hilarious! I remember being quite upset about it but they still slept in my room for a few more nights afterwards.

AIBU to think that this was disgusting. I have my own DC of a similar age now and I would go apeshit if they were put in that situation.

There was other weird stuff around bodies and sex that went on, as well as mother/stepfather making jokes about their sex life around us.

OP posts:

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lilproblem · 31/01/2016 16:12

This is just plain wrong. Also, why is your sister talking about her sex life in such a way in front of your parents? That's also, you know, a bit odd. No thanks. I'm so sorry OP!

Veritat · 31/01/2016 15:17

Babyname, can you get your 7 year old to tell a teacher about that?

amarmai · 31/01/2016 14:59

i read that the op was aware of the sexual activity and that her mother laughed at her upset. Now i realise that the couple also were aware and that their sexual charge might extend to the op and put her in jeopardy as well as being disturbed. This is def abuse. Op please get counselling and advice from women's groups.

Amummyatlast · 31/01/2016 10:24

I don't really want to get into the debate, but ridemesideways that section you quote doesn't appear to cover this situation. I didn't read in the OP that they took sexual gratification in having sex in her vicinity.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/01/2016 10:03

Shit :(

Babynamechange · 31/01/2016 09:47

Yes obsidian, there is a contact order. Huge backstory and no I don't think I can stop overnights.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/01/2016 09:41

Fuck baby that's not acceptable at all. Is there a contact order in place? You need to stop overnights if you are legally able

Babynamechange · 31/01/2016 09:31

Following this thread as I've recently found out that on contact weekends my 7 year old is awake and in the same room and aware of his dad having sex. They know he's awake too :(

AyeAmarok · 31/01/2016 08:52

Thanks ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight, that makes sense.

fastdaytears · 31/01/2016 07:06

Cutted I didn't read your thread I'm afraid. Were they having sex with DD there?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/01/2016 06:50

Cutted - do you know they are definitely having sex while she is in the room?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/01/2016 06:50

does anyone know at what ago does it officially start to be considered as abusive to have sex in the same room as your DC?

There's no official age, but to me it would be when a child starts to become aware of what is going on around them. Sex under the covers with a sleeping 2 year old in the room isn't necessarily abusive, but sex in front of an awake 2 year old where they can see what is going on could be, especially if there was intent to expose the child (if that was part of the arousal)
Once a child reaches 4/5 and will definitely remember what they see, it would raise alarms with me if a parent said they slept in a room together and had sex, even if they saved it for when the child was sleeping.
One of the adults not being the parent of the child would make me more concerned also.

CuttedUpPear · 31/01/2016 06:40

It's interesting that so many people are calling this abuse. Yet when I posted a thread expressing my concerns about my DSIS and her partner sharing a bedroom with DSIS's (unrelated to partner) 9yo DD, I got told it was none of my business.

fastdaytears · 31/01/2016 06:38

Can't believe that people are saying this isn't abuse.

OP I can see why you wouldn't want to go back into counselling and potentially stir up lots of old feelings but if I had been in your family I feel like this sort of thing would have affected me a lot in a quite complex ways.

Baconyum · 31/01/2016 06:27

It's definitely illegal now. More complicated law then but as it was your sister could have come under incest laws.

However, only you can decide how you feel now and if you need help dealing with this.

novemberchild · 31/01/2016 02:21

I would classify that as sexual abuse. No way would I ever consider that normal.

I don't have sex with my husband when the teenage DC are home. I would be mortified if they heard.

timelytess · 31/01/2016 01:43

It is more how my mother allowed that to happen/laughed about it that is affecting me, more than what my sister did
That's why I wanted you to see an experienced sexual abuse counsellor. I suspect, from what you said about your mother and stepfather and the way things were handled, that there was a lot more 'abuse' going on than just this incident. You can't get to the root of it here, though you can get support. You've made a good life, perhaps now you feel secure enough to go over what happened to you. But please do it with someone who knows how to cope. I've had so many counsellors (not for child sexual abuse) and they all have things they can't cope with.

Veritat · 31/01/2016 01:32

Apparently it's you, Gillian, who does not know the definition of abuse. If you don't accept the Sexual Offences Act definition, you might accept the NSPCC's:

Sexual abuse may include non-contact activities, such as involving children in looking at, or in the production of, pornographic material or watching sexual activities ...

Neglect may involve a parent or carer ... failing to protect a child from .. emotional harm or danger.

ridemesideways · 31/01/2016 01:25

Or at least it would be illegal today...

ridemesideways · 31/01/2016 01:20

It's illegal. Sexual Offences Act:-

(1)A person aged 18 or over (A) commits an offence if—

(a)he intentionally engages in an activity,

(b)the activity is sexual,

(c)for the purpose of obtaining sexual gratification, he engages in it—

(i)when another person (B) is present or is in a place from which A can be observed, and

(ii)knowing or believing that B is aware, or intending that B should be aware, that he is engaging in it, and

(d)either—

(i)B is under 16 and A does not reasonably believe that B is 16 or over, or

(ii)B is under 13.

(2)A person guilty of an offence under this section is liable—

(a)on summary conviction, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 6 months or a fine not exceeding the statutory maximum or both;

(b)on conviction on indictment, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 10 years.

GillianSquillion · 31/01/2016 00:59

Veritat. Do you know the definition of abused? It doesn't seem you do.

Yes, it was inappropriate. It was certainly not "abuse".

Veritat · 31/01/2016 00:52

Yes, Gillian, she was abused. If you think it is OK for two adults deliberately to have loud and energetic sex within a few feet of a child and in circumstances where she will be only too well aware of every thrust, and then to laugh at her discomfort publicly - you need to have a very strong word with yourself.

GillianSquillion · 31/01/2016 00:40

*timelytess"I think you might need to go through your childhood situation with a counsellor experienced in dealing with sexual abuse. There are very unhealthy situations where the child (you) wouldn't immediately think 'I've been abused' but nevertheless is hurt by what has gone on. Really, get counselling."

For goodness sake! Of course it was crass and low-life and vulgar etc etc but suggesting the OP was "abused". Really!

This is the kind of hysteria that seems to be the norm nowadays, unfortunately.

I think the OP has enough sense to realise that she hasn't got a healthy relationship with her sibling for lots of reasons (including this situation)

TendonQueen · 31/01/2016 00:07

The argument that couples with babies will have to abstain for ages if they can't do it with the baby there only works if the house has no other rooms. It's not ok and what you experienced OP was unfair and wrong. I would look for a counsellor to talk this through with.

Veritat · 31/01/2016 00:00

This really was abusive. The fact that they carried whilst knowing you were awake strongly indicates that either they didn't care or it actually enhanced their enjoyment. And the fact that your parents didn't immediately chuck them out means that they were complicit.

I know you would have felt completely trapped, OP, but in your shoes I suspect I might have gone to get a bucket of very cold water and thrown it over them.

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