to want to stop 8-yr-old DD going online at friend's house?

[runningLou]

DD is 8 and has just told me this morning that at a friend's house on Thurs they were looking up stuff on Google/Youtube (e.g. 'boobies', 'people getting undressed') and also her friend has been sending messages to people on her tablet (DD doesn't fully understand this but I assume she meant chatrooms etc). We keep DC fairly well-protected from online stuff - they watch CBBC on iplayer (we have no TV as such) and look up homework topic stuff on Google, mainly with supervision. I think DD's friends' parents must be aware that she can be inappropriate as they were apparently looking this stuff up on her mum's phone as she was banned from her tablet due to using the words 'shit' and 'my mum sucks' on message boards which her parents saw.
Had a little general safety online chat with DD - e.g. if you see anything upsetting you tell a grown-up, you never give out your address/ school you go to etc but feeling a bit out of my depth TBH.
Kind of want to speak to friend's parents but I know I couldn't do this face to face. Is a text too passive-aggressive? Or, should I just accept this as inevitable?? I just didn't think it would start at 8!!!!

[runningLou]

DD has a Kindle and we have set up a Kindle for Kids profile for her where she can only use the apps we choose, which don't include Google search or YouTube. DH has an admin account on her Kindle which has a PIN. Seems to be working so far ...
TBH I think DD was uninterested in looking stuff up but her friend's influence is very powerful.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

I keep a eye on what my DD access on youtube. My account is logged in on her tablet so I can check what she has been accessing. I've told her, any inappropriate stuff and I confiscate her tablet.

So far, she has as yet not done anything she shouldnt.

[ZanyMobster]

Well done for raising it, it's always difficult to know how people will react but TBH if they are nice people it will always turn out ok.

Youtube is a difficult one, we have sky shield but they can still go on youtube which means the broadband shield doesn't work presumably? Stupidly I thought that it would still block unsuitable content.

[Pollyputhtekettleon]

Nice one OP.

[runningLou]

Thank you all. Spoke to DD's friend's Dad in the playground. He said he was unaware of the problem and said that they had parental controls in place, but he would speak to his DD and 'get to the bottom of it.' I had a text from the Mum later to say that for some reason the controls on DD's friend's tablet didn't extend to YouTube so they had been able to watch some unsuitable videos, but tablet was now confiscated.
I have spoken to DD again about it. Glad I raised it. Thank you.

[blobbityblob]

Yes a lesson learnt Ozzie. It's a minefield really.

[OzzieFem]

blobbityblob you just stated in your post one of the reasons why it is recommended everyone change their passwords on a regular basis.

[blobbityblob]

I agree, educating your own dc is the best way. But I think it's kinder to explain to the parents what you're dd's been saying about her time there rather than just stopping letting her go round. They may not be aware.

I'd just tell them dd has told you they've been looking up inappropriate stuff and are using chat rooms. And see what the reaction is. If it's OMG I had no idea we'll set up some parent protection and ensure any play on there is supervised, all well and good.

If it's "well they do that don't they". It's probably easier to just tell them, well I'd prefer them to play at ours in future then.

IME it doesn't really work if you try and ban them from using devices at other people's houses. It just becomes the forbidden fruit and they're spending the whole time begging to use them. People have different tolerances. Dd had some friends at 8 who were on FB. Fortunately she's not aware because she isn't. She also have some friends who are not allowed any computer/games use at home. I find these very difficult when they come round. Dd is more than happy to play a board game or do some craft with them. But without exception they've been absolutely determined to get on a computer/games console at our house - nothing else will do. So they go home in a huff generally, having been very rude. One even caught sight of dd's password for a game and used it for months at breakfast club at school. She then gave it out to another friend, who also used it for months. It came to a head when the 2nd friend changed it so the 1st one couldn't get on, causing an almighty row. All unbeknown to me. Dd now knows to be very careful with her passwords.

[Pandsbear]

And I was not as calm as that ^^ message implies (at the time). I was livid.

[Pandsbear]

Really yes speak to the parents. This happened very recently to my 10 yr old DD at a friend's house. They did see porn. She was distressed. She told me that night but could barely speak for crying. The friend's family did not have any safeguards on the internet usage and the girls had an iPod upstairs.

Parents were horrified and distressed but not with me for telling them.

[Pollyputhtekettleon]

Based on the search they did, it's highly likely your 8yr old has seen some hardcore porn! Run the search yourself to check. Definitely talk to friends mum. She would probably be horrified if she knew what a search on even boobs and people getting undressed throws up. Really, I'd be quite upset if it was my 8yr old. I wouldn't be angry with friends mum but would definitely be discussing how to prevent this kind of inappropriate exposure. The kids were just playing but will have accidentally stepped into some serious stuff I am pretty sure (dobt want to check on my work laptop).

[RubyRoseViolet]

Crikey, she's only 8! Of course you have to say something! Playing games online is one thing but having free reign to look at all sorts of nonsense on YouTube is another matter entirely!

I would speak to the other parents about it and if they weren't sympathetic I'd stop her going round.

[harryhausen]

Sorry for typos in first post. Must read before posting.

[harryhausen]

Sorry, just read Pinkcans post. Good advice.

[harryhausen]

Yes, have a quiet word but it may not completely stop it.

My ds is 8. I'll admit he's hoes online on his tablet sometimes without supervision. When I've looked up his history he's mainly watching YouTube videos of people building Lego sets. However, there is a parental control on the Apple IPads that I have set to 'high'. I have occasionally been with him when it's said a vid won't play because of content.

I talk to Dcs about the Internet all the time. I use it all day so it's inevitable that it's seen as a part of life. Dcs school sent a letter home last week to say that they were aware that done children as young as Y4 were using Instragram and Facebook. My ds told me he knows who has them but he thinks it's a bit stupid. My ds doesn't even have his own email address yet. My DD who's just 11 is still not interested in social media at all. This may change at Secondary school but at the moment she thinks it's just a Selfie-feat with the more self obsessed girls from school. I'm digressing a bit, but what I'm trying to say is that in my experience chatting through everything about the internet often and openly leads to a healthy attitude about it.

So yes, chat up the parents but ultimately if you don't want her going on a tablet with a friend you might just have to stop her ganging out at her house.

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

Excellent info pinkcan

Our DD is 6yo and we've just started talking about the internet. I think I will show her mumsnet, what a great idea.

[2rebecca]

Have a word if you think they are doing inappropriate stuff, the parents could maybe reassure you that they have protective measures installed although it is less likely with a phone . Surprised how many parents give little kids phones to play with.
As she gets older though you may find like I did that all your kid's friends seem to be more lax about internet/ game certificate safety than you and your child either never goes to play with people or gets exposed to stuff you're not keen on.

[pinkcan]

I think that even if you talk to this one mum, it will not actually help the problem, it will just put a sticking plaster over it for now.

What you really need to do is to educate your daughter. You absolutely will not be able to police all her online time, particularly when her friends/their older siblings get (have got) phones.

A good starting point for an 8yo is the CEOP video - Jigsaw (google it). I pasted this - The film Jigsaw is a story about a young girl called Becky who likes to use social networking sites. She has her own profile where she shares information like the things she enjoys and photos of herself and her friends. Becky has been talking to somebody who she believes to be another child. It turns out to be a man who has lied to her. This 10 minute film shows that when you talk to people online and tell them too much about yourself, you might as well be inviting them through your front door.

I personally would then show her some harder hitting videos. They go up in age recommendations. There is one on BBC iplayer about a 14yo boy who ended up being murdered by someone he met online (I am not suggesting you show her it btw, you could watch it yourself but it is very upsetting and a true story).

Because at the end of the day, the Internet can be a useful place - you are receiving advice from strangers online on MN. You could show her MN and show her you are called runningLou rather than Sally Jones who lives at number 42 Garden Road or whatever.

[Lweji]

If you still find it a problem after talking to the parents, make sure they meet their friends under your supervision only.

[Lweji]

Things in biology books are not rude.

Finding porn on the internet is not the same thing.

[paxillin]

I would actually tell him the girls were on chatrooms, I would worry about that more than looking up boobies or naked people although that is not fabulous either. If you get a don't care vibe I would move the playdates to your place for the time being.

[DoreenLethal]

If the dad was leaving porn magazines around the house would you still let her go there?

[scarednoob]

I remember trying to look up rude things in the biology books at school with friends at my new school when we were 9 (as an aside, it was a catholic school, and the nuns had glued all the pages together! I moved again when I was 11...). So I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with the curiosity.

The difference these days is the internet - totally agree that your DC could see far too much. I would be honest with the child's mother and say, DD told me this is what they were doing, please could they not play with the computer or tablet when she comes over, hope you understand.

[runningLou]

DD going round to friend in question's house again today. Wish me luck as am going to try and speak to her Dad quickly in playground. Resisted texting yesterday as DH said better face to face ... Easy for him to say as he is confident and doesn't suffer from crippling social anxiety issues! Really not sure what to say! Just going to ask if the girls could not go online unsupervised as DD doesn't at home.