AIBU? Friend with fertility issues now pregnant (long)

[apricotyoyo]

Background is my best friend for many many years has known since she was a teen that she could have difficulty conceiving. This is something we discussed in depth over the years. We spent most of our twenties partying together and were there for each other during the usual ups and downs of life and through various relationships.

Fast forward a few years and we have both since got married and I now have 2 children aged 3 and 1. After my friend got married she discovered that she did indeed have fertility problems and her and her husband started down the long and difficult road of fertility treatment. This journey officially started for them a couple of years ago and throughout this time I have supported her throughout her treatment and being a shoulder to cry on whenever she needed me.

I was the first person she told when she got a positive result and I am absolutely over the moon for her and her husband. I can't quite believe it still and my husband and I are so excited for this new adventure for them both and delighted to be part of it.

This is the part I find difficult to write down as I feel so awful and like a terrible person and friend for even thinking this.

My friend is in contact with me a lot about her pregnancy - asking lots of questions is this normal etc etc, completely understandable as I have been through it twice and it's all new and scary for her. Every conversation is about her pregnancy, again understandable as this is what she has been desperate for for such a long time and has gone through so much to get here. That I don't have an issue with in the slightest, however it makes me feel a little sad that I didn't get to share any of my pregnancy experiences and worries with her.

My children are my life, they are an extension of me and I am besotted with them both. My friend however has not really been interested in them since they born. When I was pregnant with DC1 I'm lucky if I saw her twice in the whole time, it was a very difficult time for me and I needed her however I was sensitive to how she would be feeling with the difficulties she facing and having to see me pregnant and perhaps complain about it would be extremely hard for her.

I have made a conscious effort to not talk about my kids and definitely did not discuss my pregnancies with her unless asked.

It's only now that she's asking me lots that I realised I had all these concerns too and had no one (apart from DH) to discuss them with. When her baby is born I'll be like an auntie to them and want to be part of their life and I feel sad that mine never had that.

I feel conflicted because I completely understand why she was detached during my pregnancies etc and I tried my best to protect her from further hurt but I feel wistful (and perhaps a little jealous) that she gets to discuss the ins and outs of it all with me and then all the baby's milestones when they arrive etc and I was unable to have that support/interest from her.

AIBU to feel like this?? I would never say all this to her but it's been playing on my mind

[apricotyoyo]

Thank you all for sharing your stories and experiences.

Luckily it hasn't affected our friendship long term and although we weren't as close during my first pregnancy we have definitely gotten closer again.

We both have other friends but we are each other's closest and longest friend. I suppose like all relationships it's had it's ups and downs throughout the trials of life and we're both lucky to have each other.

It's not a dealbreaker for me, she had very legitimate reasons for not being there and I was sensitive to that. Onwards and upwards, a new chapter now for both of us.

[Blankiefan]

I was your friend - and I didn't even have fertility issues as an excuse. I had other crap in my life that was my reason for never engaging with my best friends pregnancies/children.

When I had my dd, my friend was amazing. She knew exactly what to do / say / when to just be there. She was so supportive and I felt awful that I hadn't realised she needed that years earlier and that I wasn't there for her.

I plucked up the courage to apologise to her after a couple of months and to tell her how much I appreciated her and how sorry I was not to be there. She was great about it and told me that others we're there for her.

All I can do now is pay it forward. It makes me better to think about my other close friend who doesn't have children yet and has pretty much bypassed my mothering experience. I was (groundlessly) a bit narked by this until I realised the irony. She's talking about ttc soon - I'm going to be all over that!!

[HeyYouGetOffMyCloud]

Yanbu. I think you'll get through it as long as she shows interest in your dc.

[trian]

firstly, well done for having the right approach re. being sensitive to her fertility problems in relation to your own pregnancies and kids. I've struggled for years to have kids, some of the insensitive things "family" and "friends" have said to me have been ridiculous and at least one of the fertility charities would back me up on that.

but yes YABU....this is yet another example of why it's important to have more than one (or more than a few) friend (I take it from your post that she's your only real friend), if that had been the case then you would have had them to talk to and not feel like you missed out. Would you moan that a cancer sufferer couldn't play tennis with you?

My best mate fell out with me cos I couldn't support her enough thru a hard time cos I was supporting a relative of school age thru some utter trauma (death, drugs etc etc) as well as having my own problems not of my making. As soon as the trauma abated, I gave more of my support to the friend but they still moaned that I hadn't supported them previously. This person didn't have any other friends.

I think there are a hell of a lot of us (me included, long story) that need more and better friendships. I'm in a very difficult situation now and going forward but I don't blame friends that can't support me for not giving me support, instead I am committed to improving my support group of friends and neighbours so that I won't be in this situation forever.

[CloserThanYesterday]

I'm also very familiar with fertility issues, we eventually adopted our DD after years of struggle.
During those years me and my husband watched the majority of our friends and family have their babies.
We hated knowing the conversations people would be having about us ... 'how awful for them, I can't imagine it being us'. We felt irrationally silly for having failed at something so fundamental.
It was all consuming, and awful. I couldn't shake the jealousy that came with every scan photo, birth announcement, first birthday party etc etc, and I so wanted to just be happy for everyone.
I had nothing to add to any of the conversations about pregnancy, or breast feeding, or sleepless nights. I tried to be as supportive as I could, but I did withdraw to keep myself the right side of sane. Parents to be, and new parents just glow with the joy of it, and it is indescribably hard to watch when you know it may never happen for you.
The point to my wittering is this ... if your friend is anything like me, she'll just be so happy that she can finally join you in the joy of being a parent that she won't have thought any further.
I am lucky enough to have friends like you who were really sensitive while we were going through our infertility problems. I am so grateful to them for giving me space when I needed it, and for letting me back in when I needed to join in the rant about terrible twos and threenagers! I'm sure your friend feels the same.

[mugginsalert]

YANBU to feel how you do. Becoming a new mum is life-changing and of course you would want to have had full involvement from your friend. And its also true that for women struggling with infertility, the pain of seeing friends become pregnant and develop into mothers can be overwhelming, along with guilt for feeling that way. You sound like you've both done brilliantly to stay so close in that situation.

Is there any way you could steer the conversation towards your own terms, into a path that you would also find rewarding, and perhaps allow you both to go over some of the ground that you feel you missed at the time with your friend? For example, talking about the early weeks/months of motherhood, the choices you made as a new mum. Sort of telling her the stories you want to, rather than being prompted by her questions.

And maybe suggesting nct or whatever to give her the chance to talk about her pregnancy in detail with others at the same stage, who are going to welcome that kind of discussion.

[patienceisvirtuous]

Yabu. You've had to downplay your pregnancies and children when spending time with your friend, she had to go through the horror of infertility and not knowing whether she'd remain childless or ever be a mum. I know which deal I'd rather get.

She'll have had to remain detached to protect herself. I'm sure she'd have much preferred to join in with everything and be part of it all.

You're now on an even keel so just enjoy the fact you can reconnect properly and enjoy sharing your experiences.

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Unfortunately I'm all too familiar with fertility struggles. I did withdraw from friends when they were pregnant perhaps but I wouldn't have ever withdrew from their children. They are my friends and their kids are a big part of their lives. Yes I had my own issues but my friends had problems too and it would of been selfish for me to put my own issues before that of my friends when the babies actually arrived. Friendship is a 2 way street, you support each other. I don't think yabu at all.

[cestlavielife]

Bit any childless friends is likely to be bored with pregnancy baby talk.. it's nothing to do with fertility issues.
You ve had dc now so she looks to you for advice.

[apricotyoyo]

Aww thanks Bill

I'm so excited for her and I'm really looking forward to being there with her as she goes through her pregnancy and then discovering all the joys of having a child as my husband and I did.

I just started having little pangs of I didn't know what at first when she was asking me lots of questions and discussing everything in minute detail. I'm delighted she can talk to me though and more than happy to answer her questions and reassure her in any way I can. It's a worrying time and I would imagine more so when it's been so difficult a journey to begin with.

Horton the issue is not about me having other friends to share it with. It's the fact we have been good friends for so long and shared everything and grew together. We were the only constant in each others lives for a long time. So naturally I wanted to share my happiness, and worries, at having children with her. It was difficult at the time for me but I always tried to let it wash over me and not take it to heart because of what she was going through. It all seemed like a distant memory but her pregnancy has started to bring it back a little.

[itsmeagain1]

I've also been your friend, and perhaps my own friends felt the same way as you, but they certainly never said anything - I shut myself off from as much of their children's milestones/ lives as I could without being rude for the several years that I was suffering through infertility and miscarriage. I know they may have been hurt but to be honest I was so wrapped up in my own pain and laser focussed goals (and fucked up with hormones from the treatment!) that I didn't care..

I think you should just try to enjoy your friend's new phase of her life, her child won't be much younger than your 2, they can be buddies! She is lucky to have you there to advise and reassure her.

[apricotyoyo]

Wombat Ha! She's already said her birthday plans will need to change now because she won't be drinking. I replied with well YOU won't be drinking but I will!

[BillSykesDog]

I've also been your friend OP. And I think you're lovely. Yes it's normal to feel a bit sad that you couldn't share things with her in the same way when you were pregnant. But she wouldn't have been able to cope with it and you were a really good friend by realising that and being sensitive to her but still supporting her and staying friends.

I'm really glad that you're seeing the positives now and how much lovely stuff you have to share in the future. I'm glad you came on here to have a vent and work through your feelings. You sound like an amazing friend, I think she's lucky to have you.

[starry0ne]

I was the one with fertility problems. It took 4 years to concieve my ds..

I found once I concieved I then felt maybe extra anxious if something happened in this pregnancy when would I ever conceive again...Once my pregnancy continued.. I loved stories of births and breast feeeding....

I can understand your feelings but everything you are going through with esp a 1 year old is all coming up for her...

It sounds like you have been a great friend but equally when I did conceive my closest friend didn't have children so the only thing I really discussed with her was shopping.

[Wombat87]

God yeah we hate it when we lose our drinking buddies. Damn! But she'll come around. If she gets too much, tell her. I wasn't too OTT (they'd def have told me). But if you're friendship is strong, you'll be able to tell her to calm down. Now you're not preggers, ask her out for a liquid lunch to tell her that ;)

[HortonWho]

You make it sound like she is the only friend in the world. She couldn't support you through that stage of your life but there was no reason you couldn't find that support in another friend. It's not really her fault or responsibility that you didn't make a new friend and haven't gotten close to any other person who you could share these things with.

[apricotyoyo]

Wombat I'm sorry for your loss And I didn't find your post rude

I can imagine my pregnancies and subsequent changes in lifestyle hit her twice as hard IYSWIM. Apart from me being pregnant when it wasn't happening for her, she also lost the party girl that I once was as my priorities shifted and I was no longer able to stay out all night or spontaneously go out for a liquid lunch etc.

I'm very conscious of not dragging on about my kids in whoever's company as I may find them the most interesting beings ever, I'm well aware others do not

I will continue to support her, that would never change.

Interesting reading other people's similar experiences.

[Wombat87]

I hope you don't read my post as rude btw. But I've been your friend more than once

[Wombat87]

I'm not quite that bad, but my friends all started their kids 4 years ago. I was told years ago that carrying a pregnancy could be an issue. Sadly I lost my first one a week ago.

I've never not been interested in them. But it's hard to be the friend without kids when all your friend talks about is them. You're besotted, of course, but don't expect anyone outside of that to be the same. It's life and how it progresses. In some ways I lost that side of my best friend. It sounds harsh and dramatic but in a way it's true. I was ecstatic when both my best friends have announced all their pregnancies over the last 4 years. And they are still a big part of my life. I love all the boys dearly. Even though it was and now will be a bit painful in a selfish way. Not to sound rude but you sound almost martyr-like by saying "I didn't discuss my pregnancy because of her feelings but now I'm sad" you made that decision without speaking to her about it. That was kinda your choice IYSWIM?

When I found out I was expecting I was so excited. I was excited for my baby, and I was excited to finally be able to share the same thing as my friends did. I spent 10 weeks randomly asking if things were normal, asking other questions. Why? Because I was looking for reassurance. I was told I'd have trouble with it. My friends didn't ask me. It's never crossed my mind that they didn't, because how could I answer when I had no experience.

Just support your friend. Don't reply for a bit if you don't want too. She won't mind. She's just sharing her long awaited journey with you. And if she's had problems she's probably just nervous.

Unless she's texting you way too much. In which case I'd say "sorry caught up at the moment,ask the midwife?". That's a totally acceptable thing to do if she's driving you bonkers!

[SchnitzelVonKrumm]

My oldest friend was totally uninterested in my children until she had some of her own. We had drifted apart (still enjoyed each other's company but we're on different tracks) and it brought us back together.

[Friendofsadgirl]

Firstly YANBU
My user name came about when my friend was ttc and struggling with it.
It was all consuming to her and she seemed to shun discussions about other people's DCs or pregnancies. I think it made her so sad to see mums.
Then she got pregnant and the questions were endless, the worries were constant and the stress on our friendship was obvious. She still avoided spending any time with my DD or asking after her.
She now has a gorgeous DS and is a changed woman. She has more interest than ever in her friends' DCs and is more sociable than I have ever known her to be.
I think fertility problems can be all consuming and it can make people appear very selfish but really they are just sad and desperately trying to keep going.
Be there for her now and hopefully she'll come back to being a great friend soon.

[Boxymcloxy1900]

I don't think yabu at all. I've had to distance myself from 'that' friend too. It's awful. There's no winners. I did explain it, but I'm sure she was gutted.

This has gone on for YEARS and it just became unbearable. She was flaky and unreliable. She was awfully distant during bereavements, child related events etc. We all went out to dinner when I was pregnant. It wasn't acknowledged. Then I had a mc. Also not acknowledged.

Reading it back I sound awful, but my own sanity was at stake. I let it go on for far too long.

[AvaLeStrange]

You're entitled to your feelings but I think for the time being you need to try and let it wash over you. If you're that close then there may come a time in the future when you can say "I wish I'd been able to share with you more about my pregnancy" but now is not it.

FWIW one of my oldest, closest friend is out the other side of this now, but for the 3 years she and her husband were ttc their DS and during her pregnancy and early days as a mum she was like a different person.

I think it's very difficult to comprehend the levels of sadness and then anxiety that infertility causes unless you have first hand experience of it, and for the most part it's just a case of riding it out.

[apricotyoyo]

Good point about me now sharing things with her. Will definitely start that!

[apricotyoyo]

I didn't really think about the fact we still have so much to share in the future! That's a good way of looking at it.

I was caught unaware by these feelings and it's only very recently I've acknowledged them and realised why I was feeling like this.