To sometimes think I wouldn't be able to cope alone

[zeezeek]

Have been married for 25 years and with him for nearly 30 now. Prior to DH I was engaged to someone else, so haven't really had much time on my own.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day - she's been divorced a couple of times and is currently on her own after a fairly long relationship ended. We were talking about how important it is for women to be independent and not depend on a man and she laughed at me and said (quite rightly) that I wouldn't know because I hadn't actually been single for more than a year or so since I was 16. I'm nearly 50 now. My first thought was that she was wrong, that I am totally independent: I earn my own money and have never been dependent on a man for money, I work away a lot and travel at least once a month all on my own.

But then I started to think about it and realised that she's right: I've never actually had to cope on my own. Even when I've been working away for up to 3 months I know that DH has always been on the end of a phone and could fly out to me if needed. Now feel spoilt and also starting to worry what I'm doing to do if (when) my much older DH dies and I really am left all alone....

[FreshHorizons]

It happens to people all the time, generally one of the partners die first and however badly prepared the other one is they cope. They have no choice.

[rosewithoutthorns]

Forgot to write...

You'll cope. The love you have now with your partner will help you do that.

[rosewithoutthorns]

I've been on my own most of my life OP and pride myself on my independence and love my life but I secretly wished I had what you've got. Take no notice of her.

[Ginkypig]

Having said all that though.

Enjoy who you've got while you have them and don't focus on their dying because you'll ruin the time you do have and if my story above doesn't teach you that you never know!

[Ginkypig]

zeek

All I'm going to say is you'll suprise yourself if it happens, and you'll be surprised what you can cope with.

I remember having a conversation with a friend glibly saying oy yes if I ever lost my dad (who was healthy, and I thought his death would be yars away) I'd just be devestated, id never get over it etc. little did I know 3 weeks after that conversation my dad would be dead! It was hideously awful but I got through and 10 years later it still hurts but I'm still here and somehow managed!

The point is until your in a situation you won't know but the fact you've considered it means you can put thing in place within yourself and on a more practical level (bills etc) to have the skills and tools in place so you will cope.

[QuietWhenReading]

madam you are quite right it's not the same. But that doesn't mean that if you've never done that you couldn't do it, nor that you shouldn't enjoy a good relationship in case it doesn't last.

zee I wonder if you are just feeling a little nostalgic for what you life could have been if you'd taken a different path. We all feel that we sometimes.

Enjoy your lovely husband, your children and grandchildren. Prepare for the future in any way that seem practical but don't borrow trouble.

We can none of us change the past or predict the future. All we can do is find happiness for today and be thankful for what we have.

[Backingvocals]

Are your children starting to become independent? Perhaps you are emerging from the surprise and then the chaos and the all encompassing nature of DCs and starting to glimpse a future you, subconsciously. And it's preying on your mind.
I'm spending a lot of time thinking about life when the DCs have gone. I think it's a midlife thing. I'm a single parent so the house will be empty. I think subconsciously my mind is already thinking ahead and preparing me.

[madamedesevigne]

It is really different, there's no doubt about it. Whatever independence you have when you're in a relationship, it's not the same as coming home to an empty house and having absolutely nobody to turn to, night after night. And having to keep yourself going and sort things out on your own. You can probably tell which side I've got more experience of

[zeezeek]

You're right, it is about attitude. Guess all I can do is being the girls up so they are confident in any situation and get a large grip myself and grow up.

At the risk of accusations of drip feeding I'm the daughter of a narcissist who constantly told me, tells me, that I'm useless, fat, unattractive and a bad he,an being and daughter and however much I know she's talking crap, there's a part of me that believes her.

As for my DH's baggage....well, he's got one ex wife who I, close to and an ex girlfriend who currently wants me dead - so yeah, baggage. I adore my step kids though and now have a step grand son. I am happy. I didn't think I could have kids but did. So don't really know where this discontent has come from. Maybe I just need people to tell me I'm being a brat, dunno. Just feel in an odd mood at moment and can't describe it or explain it to DH.

[whifflesqueak]

I don't even know how to put salt in the dishwasher.

I'd be adrift without dh.

[QuietWhenReading]

I've been with my DH since high school so over 25 years. Basically I have never been a single adult.

By your friend's measure I should be a gibbering wreck on my own.

My DH travels with work sometimes for extended periods, leaving me and the DC at home.

I have a successful career and could, if necessary, pay all the bills on my salary.

I can manage the children on my own for weeks at a time without any problem or help.

I can deal with all the household maintenance and finances without needing any help.

I am happy in my own company but am lucky enough to have a great circle of friends.

I adore my DH, he is my best friend and God forbid something happened to him I'd be devastated.

But, I have no doubt at all that I'd pick up the pieces and build a new life on my own.

Independence isn't about experience IME, it's about attitude. I have several friends who!ve been single for long periods of their lives who can't cope on their own with the children for a weekend, or who don't understand the family finances, or who can't bear to be at home alone on a Saturday night.

Your friend is wrong. I truly pity anyone who believes that not having one person in your life who you would miss if they died is a better way to live.

[Katenka]

But sometimes can't help but think that life would have been less stressful without having to cope with my DHs baggage!

Isn't that part of a relationship?

You wouldn't have your dds?

Maybe this is a signal you need to asses wether you are happy or not.

I am happy and happy to have dhs baggage. He got mine. We now have kids.

I just find it weird that your friends comments have bothered you so much you are question your parenting?

Are you happy in your marriage in general?

[zeezeek]

Yes, I think she does have a different type of independence to me and one that I do find slightly scary if I think about it too much which I'm not doing at all

I'm not envious of her being free and single, but nor am I feeling sorry for her. But sometimes can't help but think that life would have been less stressful without having to cope with my DHs baggage!

[Katenka]

I think the thing that's bothering me the most is that I have 2 young girls and I want to be a good role model to them, but now wondering if I am.

You are a good role model. Since when does having a long term partner stop you being a good role model?

If she is one of the very few people who tells on no one. Not even for a chat....why does that make her better?

As I said very few people are completely independent. Most have someone they chat to even occasionally.

I really don't get why you are reading all this because your friend doesn't think you are independent.

My dd has only ever known me being married to her dad. Why is that bad? It doesn't lead to her thinking you must settle down and get married. You must have children. You must be a sahm. She knows women do diy, cook, fix cars etc.

She is fully aware that there are other ways. All wonderfully different but equal.

Are you possibly suffering with a bit of envy that she is free and single?

It just seems weird you are doubting your life based on this friend

[theycallmemellojello]

I think the reality is that no one comes out of a long term relationship feeling equipped for life as a single person. I definitely would struggle. But as a PP said, you cope because you have to. Same as if you lost all your money, or lost your job after years of being in employment. It would be hard as you'd have to learn to live in a completely different way.

[zeezeek]

Katenka I don't know. I just feel bothered and as if I'm not the person I always viewed myself to be. As DH is over 20 years older losing him is a reality, though he's in great health.

I think the thing that's bothering me the most is that I have 2 young girls and I want to be a good role model to them, but now wondering if I am. I want them to be brave and adventurous, to make their own way in life and choose a life that suits them....but I've not experienced anything other than being part of a couple so don't want them to think that's the only way because I kin the chances if them being n more relationships than me is high (their father has had loads!!!).

I'm overthinking this, I think.

[hefzi]

^^ What Horton said: you will cope if your DH dies before you, because you'll have to. But certainly not having a partner to rely on, even if that reliance is just for support or emotionally, develops in people a different kind of independence and resilience. Not necessarily better or worse- just different.

I have no-one to rely on, who supports me or can "be there" for me - it's just the way things have worked out. I sometimes travel a lot for work, in difficuly, uncomfortable and sometimes dangerous situations. If I'm having a wobble, there's no-one on the other end of the 'phone who can give me a boost. If I have seen something terrible and upsetting, there's no-one I can off load it onto. If my money all goes tits up one month, there's no-one who can get me through to the next payday. It's a very different kind of independence to being independent and self-supporting within a relationship - I think that's what your friend meant.

[HortonWho]

I don't think she was putting you down and do think she's got a point. Of course you can feel independent. But you've never faced the fears true independence brings. Like what if you lost your health, lost your job, lost your savings, lost your house... It's all your responsibility and there isn't anyone there to share the worry of what if.

[SugarMiceInTheRain]

I'm in a similar position to you in that I've been married for virtually all of my adult life, got married at 21, and even though I know I'd be able to cope financially, albeit not that comfortably, I would struggle to cope emotionally and without that shoulder to cry on, as DH is my best friend and I don't have many, if any really close friends. But a friend of mine is like your friend and being fiercely independent has its drawbacks too, however happy she seems and proud she is of not needing a man...

[Katenka]

What is it that's really bothering you?

I feel like you are dancing round the real issue.

[Katenka]

What is it that's really bothering you?

I feel like you are dancing round the real issue.

[zeezeek]

She is very successful professionally - an oncologist and v involved in research. I don't think she's nosey, just seems intuitive and is also a friend of DH, in fact these days probably closer to him than me. I don't know why her relationships failed, I knew her second husband pretty well and be was a nice guy but they weren't suited it seems.

[BeaufortBelle]

I think she's projecting. You have a career and a husband. I work with people who have a couple of divorces behind them and they are forever feeling sad about being on their own and wishing they had a partner.

If anything ever happened to DH and we've been together for a life time too, I'd manage. I know how to pay the bills and where the money is. I know the names and phone numbers of local trades people. I can drive and I think I'd also go on holiday on my own too. No shame at all in saying "yes, I'm alone, my husband died x number of years ago", I'd have church and the RHS and I 'd make a life for myself.

There is no way I'd want another partner in my life because my DH is irreplaceable and frankly I simply couldn't be bothered.

[Chottie]

Please don't worry about something which hasn't even happened. I'm thinking there's a little bit of a green eyed monster there. If she had stayed married to DH No. 1 I expect she would have been with him for 15 - 20 years by now....

Don't let her comments spoil your happiness....

[FreshHorizons]

You will cope, you will have no choice. I wouldn't worry about it in advance but just make sure that you know everything that you will need to know.