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AIBU?

To have gone to work today?

53 replies

itsnotterrysitsmine · 20/01/2016 21:21

DH works night's & last night on his way in to work had crashed his car. Fortunately he is physically fine, the car however is almost certainly going to be a write off. He rang me from the crash scene to tell me what had happened, & also told me I would probably not be going to work for the rest of the week. I said ok we'll see, as at this point I didn't know what state he was going to be in today, how long courtesy cars etc would take to sort out. This morning DH was fine, we got the practical side of things sorted out by mid day so I went to work for the afternoon. I asked DH if he could do me a favour in the early part of the afternoon, he said yeah that's fine but can you do x, y & z for me later to maximise his sleep before work tonight.

Just now I've asked a small question & had my head ripped off. He's pissed off I went to work today of all days, I put work before him, I'm selfish, if I want something it has to now but what he wants doesn't matter & on the list goes. I tried to calmly explain my reasoning but got about half a sentence in to be told it was bull shit, I've knocked the fight out of him in terms of what's the fucking point in telling me anything because we'll be back to normal next week.

I went to work because he was fine, everything that could be sorted was and I need to protect my job and any goodwill I have with my managers - DH is still on a probation period with his job, we have 2 young dc's and no support network so on a practical level I'm always minimising any time I have off work for those occasions where DC's are too poorly for school or nursery as it will be me that will have to take time off to look after them. On top of that DH will have lost his full shift pay from last night and his shift premium for the week and we now have to pay for the excess and a new car and I don't know how today will have been recorded at work so can't really afford to risk losing any more financially.

OP posts:

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HermioneJeanGranger · 21/01/2016 13:14

YABU not to have been a bit more understanding.

He rolled his car and quite possibly nearly died. He must have been absolutely terrified. I've only ever "crashed" once, when it was icy and I was parking and skidded into a fence. I was in shock for a good couple of hours, even though I wasn't injured and my car wasn't even scraped. It was just scary to know it could have been a whole lot worse.

I don't think YABU to have gone into work, though. Taking a day off is just going to lose you more money and add to general stress levels, but I think it would have been nice to be a bit more understanding about the situation. What he said was probably fear and the shock talking, though.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 21/01/2016 11:42

From his reaction it seems like there's more to it than "just" the car crash. How is your relationship generally?

OTheHugeManatee · 21/01/2016 11:37

Are there any underlying issues? On the surface YANBU but this sounds like the kind of rant that isn't about what it's officially about, if you see what I mean. You don't have to agree with everything he rants about, but I would ask him about what he's feeling and try and listen non-defensively - it might have flagged something in the relationship he's unhappy about and that at least needs airing.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 21/01/2016 11:30

It's probably shock and thinking what could have been. I wrote my car off many years ago and although we both walked away I kept thinking I could have killed us both. It was on a bank holiday and I actually took the next day off sick (shock horror!).

If it was my DH and this was out of character (which it would be) I may have asked work if I could take a day's annual leave but I definitely wouldn't be taking the week off.

pilates · 21/01/2016 11:22

YANBU

sonjadog · 21/01/2016 09:00

Give him the benefit of the doubt. Even though he wasn't injured, he has had a very traumatic incident. I was in a serious car crash years ago. I had nightmares about it for a couple of years afterwards and would panic when driving in similar situations to when the crash occurred. It was a lot more traumatic an experience than I would have thought before experiencing it myself.

LittleLionMansMummy · 21/01/2016 08:51

Car crashes are often more about the psychological aftermath rather than the physical. If he rolled his car it has probably crossed his mind that he could have died. My friend was in a much less serious crash and it really affected her - she's a very strong individual but admitted she found it very hard to get back behind the wheel. I'd cut him some slack and put it down to shock. I also admit I'd probably have taken a day off if it had been my dh, in case he wanted to talk about it or whatever. Not saying you were unreasonable, but I can see it from his perspective.

WannaBeAMummy16 · 21/01/2016 07:47

YABU. He is your husband. He may physically be fine but I am sure his head is a mess and maybe, just maybe, he wants his wife to be there for him and to support him.

AmberFool · 21/01/2016 07:33

OP, why did you not give details of the crash in your first post? That's apretty major crash so, unless it is usual for him to get angry like this, I would put it down to shock.

However, you were not being YANBU to go to work once it was all sorted out. He probably needed sympathy though.

Illcya · 21/01/2016 07:33

I second bigbuttons but you did the right thing going to work when you could see the time was right. It's shock IMO.

IoraRua · 21/01/2016 07:21

Yanbu, but I don't think he is bu really either.
The car rolled, he's probably in shock, very unsettled and feeling a bit overwhelmed.

HPFA · 21/01/2016 07:20

If one of my colleagues took a day off work for these reasons I'd be really annoyed to be honest. I wonder if there's a pattern where he's feeling a bit neglected in general? Not saying for a moment he's justified in feeling that (how on earth would I know?) but might be worth exploring

TheVeryThing · 21/01/2016 07:17

People saying she should have taken a day off, on what grounds? You can't just decide not to go to work because your husband wants some tlc.

Letseatgrandma · 21/01/2016 07:09

Does he not like you working? It seems an odd thing that his first thought after being in a car crash was to tell you that you won't be at work for a week, yet he was intending to go to work himself?!

bigbuttons · 21/01/2016 06:53

I think he probably wanted some emotional support, I should think he's traumatised. I bloody well would be.

itsnotterrysitsmine · 21/01/2016 06:40

cdtaylornats that was his thought process that night immediately after it happened not knowing how quickly we'd be able to arrange alternative transport. He's not trying to blag a week off, we can't afford it.

OP posts:

itsnotterrysitsmine · 21/01/2016 06:36

We're both feeling incredibly lucky as it could have been a lot worse.
He went to work last night as planned, he'd never not intended to if he was physically able. He was pissed off that I'd gone to work & asked him to do me a favour, which he'd agreed to.

OP posts:

kali110 · 21/01/2016 01:53

Mmmmcake123 Yes! I can't believe some of the responses on here tonight!
This poor bloke was in a serious crash yet he's a drama queen??
I would have taken the day off to keep an eye on my dh, though not saying you did anything wrong op. He's been in a crash before and it was awful. I've been in a few near misses and those scared me! I can't imagine how your dp is feeling right now, that sounds horrendous.

gandalf456 · 20/01/2016 23:24

I think I might have taken a day off as I might have wanted from him but probably not practical more than that

cdtaylornats · 20/01/2016 23:18

Well with only 1 car available and no public transport at night, and with the OPs DH on his probation period then just possibly it is more important for him to be at work.

Krampus · 20/01/2016 23:03

He was OK so there is no reason for you to take a week off work, you were with him for a fair amount of time to check that he was ok. I couldn't imagine calling work to say I wouldn't be in that week because my partner had been in a crash and was unharmed. It wouldn't be sick or compassionate leave it would be annual leave.

If the roles were reversed? What I did when I rolled my car off a motorway and got out unharmed was spend well over an hour in the freezing cold and dark waiting for another pick up, after the car had been towed off the road, spent another 2 hours in the pick up being delivered home, sleeping & then going to work the next day.

BackforGood · 20/01/2016 22:53

Of course YANBU to have gone to work.
Well, you might BU to have not gone to work this morning.
I am confused on what grounds you would be expected not to go to work, when you haven't been involved in the accident.

rosewithoutthorns · 20/01/2016 22:50

Your aren't a horrible person OP. He's the twunt, you're stressed to hell about him and his actions.

I'd be very careful about this and look after my job more than him if you get my meaning.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 20/01/2016 22:49

Wow you're all being harsh tonight. Trauma is complicated. I agree the op should have gone to work but if he's flipped his car and had a miraculous escape he is going to need some support over the coming days / weeks. Suggesting he's blagging is harsh.

CozyLinusBlanket · 20/01/2016 22:43

If he's physically fine is he just blagging the week off?

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