To pander to my preschooler's anxiety?

[Dundee86]

3yo DD starting preschool this week. She had an induction last week, then did two sessions happily.

Last night from directly after her bath she started getting very worried. Kept saying about how she didn't want to go. She was very very unsettled going to sleep and woke up at 3am crying. First words on waking were 'not go to preschool'. It's an afternoon session, so I had time to work on her. Eventually persuaded her into uniform, breakfast - but the whole time she kept repeating that she really didn't want to go. Very cuddly and quiet.

To avoid drip-feeding - she is diagnosed as severely speech delayed - so preschool is probably quite hard to adjust to. She's been in day nursery before - so it's not like it's the first separation.

I phoned preschool and asked if we could re-do induction (i.e. arrive half an hour late, me allowed in with her and generally low pressure). They did allow me to - but I was given a stiff talking to on the phone about setting out as we mean to go on. During the 15 minutes that I sat in the corner of the hall, I had four more rounds of being taught to suck eggs patronising instruction on how important it is to do a quick 'cheerio' and scarper.

So clearly they thought I was highly unreasonable. I'm unrepentant. IMO it would have been wrong to ignore anxiety that is so sustained. I feel it is much better to slow down a bit and let her get used to the setting - rather than establishing a pattern of forcing her to go.

AIBU?

[Poppybella2015]

Is there an option to do a morning session?

[Dundee86]

Morning session is full - and tbh it might compound my problems - as it might affect getting DS to school on time.

[Poppybella2015]

Could you take her out and try again at a different preschool next September? Or even in a few months after Easter? My dd is a summer born so will only get one year of preschool so I'm sure it wouldn't do any harm waiting a bit longer and try again somewhere different. If you do look at somewhere else you could try and find somewhere that has a good settling in policy you could ask about it when you look round.

[Dundee86]

If it's a total disaster I'll pull her out - but it would be awkward as we intend for her to go to that school next year - and she'd feel like she'd failed. We'd still have to walk past it every day taking DS to school, hang out with the same kids at the park etc.

[Dundee86]

She's a summer born 3 - so this is her preschool year - we just kept her in day nursery setting a bit longer because I never really warmed to the preschool despite everyone else raving about it .

[Poppybella2015]

Ah that's a shame it's the school preschool. In hindsight I bet you wish you had kept her at the nursery. When did she leave nursery? If it's the school preschool I would talk to them about maybe you staying for a bit in the mornings to settle her, if they are not willing could you reduce her sessions, how many does she do?

[monkeymamma]

Two things leap out at me OP.

One is that you seemed to have already decided you didn't like the preschool in advance. You don't want their advice and you don't like their way of handling things. Kids pick up on these things like little emotional sponges, you know. If your feelings about this setting are negative you can't expect hers to be positive.

The second is this. It is highly likely that she would settle more quickly without you there and the staff know this based on years of experience. As mothers we like to think our presence is soothing and reassuring at all times, but you may simply be revving her up to get upset in this case. I hope I don't sound harsh and of course I could be totally wrong, I don't know you or your child at all. But if I base this on my own experience, I insisted on staying for my ds's induction sessions several times and looking back, I was making it much harder for him.

I really do sympathise though. My eldest is super sensitive and of course you worry terribly. But if you don't feel the setting is right don't take her there, keep her at nursery or at home if an option. But I feel if you have decided she must attend, you need to do it with confidence and positivity and perhaps even a bit of briskness.

Good luck! It will all come good in the end.

[Dundee86]

I can do brisk and firm! I understand that a child can wobble going in, and they just need to get over that first reluctance.

However, when the anxiety started the day before - I thought there was a high chance that the brisk approach would tip her into full meltdown - which wouldn't exactly help her confidence or her settling. At one point I thought I wouldn't even be able to get her out of the house without screams - so frankly I feel I did rather well that I got her to participate in 9/10ths of the session.

At what point does 'teaching them to separate' become 'teaching them that no one will listen if something is not right'?

[Dundee86]

I am not sabotaging it on purpose - it's much much easier for me to have both kids on the same site - and I'm already very chummy with several of the families.

I was very enthusiastic about labelling all the itty bitty uniform, showed her her name tags on everything, picked out her favourite style of pinafore. We got a nice timetable on the wall so she understands the routine.

The preschool haven't given me a huge amount to work with to project positivity though.

I asked for a visit before Christmas to help me and DD prepare - it was declined on the grounds that they were too busy getting ready for nativity.

I chatted with DD over the holidays about what she might do at preschool. She got very set on how she doesn't want to do drawing or singing - but she'd love to do painting. It sounded reasonable enough to me - so I let her keep telling everyone about how she'd do painting in preschool. First thing she says to new teacher when she meets her: "I've come to do painting". Teacher looks a bit uncomfortable and says "actually - we don't do painting".

We turned up at our allotted induction time to find a locked gate & no answer when we rung. (Actually - we saw one of the teachers locking the gate - and dashing into main school). DD and I stood there like lemons for 10 minutes before the school secretary clocked us from the other building and came across to buzz us in with her fob. At that point the manager popped out, apologised for not answering the door but said there had been an accident. Three guesses what put a setting for three year olds in such a tizzy?

[TiggyD]

"We don't do painting"?!?!?!?

Those 4 words mean it's a shit pre-school.

Some settings go for an old fashions school vibe where the children have to fit in, and if the child doesn't like it, they have to change. They should be caring. They should work with parents as partners. They should follow children's interests. They shouldn't be arseholes. Not good.

[Jibberjabberjooo]

They don't do painting? Wtf?? My
DS's pre school has painting set up all the time! I was fully expecting endless blobby pictures of cars or a tree.

DS went through a phase of refusing to go. The pre school teachers were great and although they did have to prise him off me a couple of times, within minutes of me leaving he was fine and I knew if he wasn't they would phone me. They also got him helping with lots of little jobs which really helped distract him. Not had an issue since and he loves it.

I never like the idea of them wearing a uniform at that age. They're only little. I also don't like the sound of them lecturing you either. They don't appear very friendly.

[Dundee86]

No one has guessed the nature of the incident that put the preschool into lockdown for 15 minutes?

[Jibberjabberjooo]

Had they lost a child?

[Dundee86]

Nope

[Dundee86]

And here we are again.

She's not stressed but she's not uniformed.

I have to force her to get dressed & go today - don't I - otherwise I'm not giving preschool a fair chance.

[Iggi999]

I would stop at the word "uniform", and if I had stopped then I would have done so at the "we don't do painting".
Mine cries when I take him, I do the cheery thing and by the time I'm at the door there are no more cries. He simply wouldn't stop if I stayed.
Is going there a condition of starting the school?

[Dundee86]

No - not a condition of moving up to school - just how the majority of people do it.

[Jw35]

If she enjoyed nursery and hates pre school id be worried. They don't do painting, they don't help kids settle in..sounds shit.

Yanbu at all. I wouldn't leave her if she's not happy. I wouldn't want my child to go anywhere that caused this much stress. It's not separation anxiety its fear of being left with crap staff. Sorry to be blunt, I work with kids, I'm a qualified nursery nurse. Your child wouldn't cry with me!

[Poledra]

Please don't tell me that the incident that put them in a tizz was someone wetting themselves??

[Dundee86]

Yep.

1 pair of wet knickers put them 'panic stations'.

[Jibberjabberjooo]

They sound rubbish! Is there anywhere else near you that's nicer? My DS's pre school is a lovely local run thing, no uniform.

[MLGs]

My friend "pandered" to her DD's anxiety and didn't make her do anything she didn't want to. It worked really well, and the DD is now really quite confident, and goes to after school clubs and parties with no problems. I really admire her for being brave and not doing what others might have advised.

She had this book which is very good

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0007163932/?hvadid=32618571905&hvpos=1t1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=9991842598629790898&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_5nsikcfgmf_b&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[Sadandconfusednamechanger]

You really do have my sympathy there. My DD was always anxious at a preschool in our village. You could leave them from 2, but she wasn't the sort that coped with being left. They were also kind of patronising. She was under investigation for ASD and they kept minimising the issues when I described them. I listened to my instincts and did not leave her there.
She did turn out to have ASD and it was the right thing to do as that was not the right setting for her. She started school nursery a year later and with lots of support she had a much more settled but longer settling in session.
Take your DD back out if she is that upset.
Oh and DD was much less anxious once she started reception and I attribute that to starting in the mornings rather than afternoons. It is much better I think.

[Sadandconfusednamechanger]

Any update, OP? Hope this week is less stressful..?

[Dundee86]

Update is a generally positive one.

I had a word with the preschool manager. She was really apologetic. In fact wrote me a long follow up letter as well! Pretty much accepted everything I said. Apparently I caught them on a very bad day - she was out - they were short staffed - toilet accidents were apparently plural (hence the long time to deal with them). She didn't really realise how concerned we were on Monday (in fact - turned out the person I'd thought was the manager and mainly spoke to was actually an over-officious assistant). Said it really wasn't how they liked to do things. DD was sent home with extra bits (photos etc) to help her adjust easier.

DD also seems to be over the hump. She's still a bit high strung at home (very quick to get upset) - but consistently coming out after the session saying she'd had fun.

They're kind of hinting about referring her for an (ASD ?) assessment. Which I guess is what I was signposting with my emphasis on language delay/excessive anxiety etc - but it's knocked me a bit to have it become a bit more formal suddenly - although rationally I know that I might be grateful down the line to have had balls set in motion if it turns out they were needed.