To dread next Christmas already?

[Flamingoblue1]

Hello all. Happy New Year! Had a fab Christmas this year but it has dawned on me that next year we will have to have my cousin. This fills me with dread. Of course she is coming to ours but I need help already on how to deal with her behaviour with is bizarre and I do wonder if it's indicative of something ? Examples are

She has a very limited and narrow field of conversation and,it appears, thought. She is obsessed with mine and DH careers, what qualifications we have and will ask constantly why we aren't doing masters or going up pay bands. This occurs to the stage were you just feel like it's a criticism or attack almost

She stares at people and when you catch her gaze she does a very odd smile and it just makes me feel uncomfortable

She will go on and on about things that happened 20 years ago and will never let anything go.

She criticises all her friends partners and feels it's appropriate to tell me all their private business.

I could go on but I can't believe that I'm dreading this already! Please give me some positive thoughts.

[xmasseason]

Would it help to go out of the house, e.g. have Christmas dinner at a nice pub?

[Grilledaubergines]

4 or 5 hours? Just tolerate her, and know you did the right thing. So many people spend Christmas alone, not through choice. If you find it a bit uncomfortable, give her something to do. "Would you mind topping up glasses?" "Could you give me a hand putting the food on the table" etc just to make her feel involved a bit.

[Faye12345]

She sounds like hard work but you are right to host her for one day! Good luck xx

[limitedperiodonly]

She is an only child and her parents have died

Or maybe they faked their deaths

[Abraid2]

MY SIL can be abysmally rude. She made me cry on my wedding day, which had to be organised to fit in with her son's school sports fixtures and the menu to account for her husband's dislike of certain foods. She was rude enough for the photographer to notice and comment later. She was then very blunt about telling me to wean my first child at 12 weeks, unfortunately for her, choosing my mother, former health visitor and with a special interest in infant nutrition, to target in addition. My mother backed me up and said 16 weeks was the recommended age, as it was in 1997.

The point of all this is that my SIL clearly has some kind of special need, possibly on the AS. She has never been diagnosed but regularly, at 64, makes family members cry, including her own children and her sister. I had a kind of lightbulb moment a few years ago when I realised that she has no empathy. She can be very kind, in fact, but has absolutely no inkling as to how other people might feel when she lays into them. I find it is best to be very blunt with her if it is necessary. She will go on and on about people and things, in a very flat, monotonous voice. She also hoards things--her house is like a warehouse. She dresses in a strange way, like someone much older and from 40 years ago. There is something not quite 'normal' there and now I know this is the case, I can usually just observe her somewhat more objectively and try and enjoy her company when she's not going on about things. She can actually be quite fun when you get her off various obsessions. As I said, bluntness is your best weapon, even if, like most of us. You find it goes against the grain to be like that with people.

[Flamingoblue1]

Thanks for the replies. I will consider activities to support her. She has never been diagnosed ASD so I'm unsure if she is or not and couldn't hazard a guess. I couldn't not invite her or be ill but I will be telling my wider family that she is not coming year after year. We will hopefully have kids soon aswell so I wouldn't want her terrorising my kids like she did to us! She used to tell us our parents marriage was I trouble (it wasn't) and has poor boundaries ie she used to dive on me and tickle me and I really cannot bear being tickled, sorry I can't expose my kids to that!

[TheWhoreOfBabyliss]

I would invite her and then get the flu at the last minute, or would that just bump her on to next year?

[wwyd123]

But she isn't doing it to be a bitch is she ?she likely has ASD.

DH has a family member we have over for Christmas. She comes in plonks herself down and expects everyone to fetch and carry for her, makes no conversation with anyone and dribbles, aibu to bot want her here?

Drip feed - she has brain damage

[MTWTFSS]

That being said my brother has ASD and I'd rather hire a hitman than have to spend Christmas day with him!

[BooOzMoo]

Ooohhhh sounds like my SIL EXACTLY! She's paranoid schizophrenic! Has been dx but even on meds she's a horrid intolerable bitch !

[MTWTFSS]

I agree with Maryz regarding the special interest. (Note: I have ASD)

[Penfold007]

You DON'T have to have her. Just make it clear as early as possible that you are planning a low key Christmas.

[ColdWhiteWinePlease]

Just don't have her. Simples. If I could go back 20 years and give my younger self some advice, it would be to not put up with so much shit from people.

She's an arse. You owe her ZERO. If you go ahead, you only have yourself to blame. Don't be a martyr.

[Merguez]

What Maryz said.

[Youarentkiddingme]

Can you get some interesting game cards to play? Like the ungame or forbidden words? They are a great tool for providing conversation to the socially awkward.

Also if there is loads of you talk together beforehand, explain she tends to take conversation off on a tangent and agree that you will all just continue to talk about what was being talked about before she changed the subject.

[scarlets]

I agree with RideEm. Your aunt and uncle did her a massive disservice
and now you're dealing with the fallout.

Nevertheless, I think you need to invite her especially if it's only for four hours. You can prep any guests from DH family who've never met her before, about her odd manner. And I agree about strategies with your family members.

[RideEmCowgirl]

You are not letting her parents down. THEY let their daughter down by not seeking professional help when she was younger which could have helped her with her social skills etc.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

If she is on the spectrum (or is just odd and annoying) good boundaries are your friend.

Work out what things are not important. I would include the eye contact/smile thing. It's very difficult for people to change that sort of thing. Other people's business; as long as they don't know and you don't gossip, I would let that go.

If you decide that, for example, the talk about your careers is off, agree a plan with DH beforehand. I would suggest broken record, "we don't want to talk about that, cousin". Repeat ad nauseum.

And fizzy wine.

[Bakeoffcake]

Ok, that's not too bad, I thought you were going to say a week

However I do feel for you as someone like that can ruin the day.

If you have to invite her, I'd start telling people who are also there on the day, how much you are worrying about her coming. Then together, come up with strategies on how to cope with her.

[lizzydrippingsghost]

oh ok thats blown my idea out the window.
well the other thing is to resort to iscanabis alcohol and plenty of it

[Flamingoblue1]

She normally would stay for four to five hours. Im thinking I'll have to cut that down!

[Bakeoffcake]

How long does she stay for?