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AIBU?

To put as much distance between myself and dh as possible today

46 replies

bornwithaplasticspoon · 27/12/2015 08:34

Boxing day at the inlaws yesterday. DH and I with dd who is 8. BIL and SIL with their two dc's (10) and MIL and FIL.

Dh has quite an interesting job. He works hard and loves it. Other people always interested in it and boy does he love that too. In the six hours we were there yesterday the talk was probably 50% dh's job, 20% football, 20% what everyone has watched on TV and 10% bil and sil's jobs and various odds and sods.

MIL is in poor health and FIL was busy in the kitchen/looking after her.

I was on the floor most of the time playing with all the dc's and their new toys. The two 10 year cousins wandered off after a while to play tablets leaving me with dd. She had received 'Frustration' from her grandparents and I asked if dh would come play with us (he was mid-flow work talk) and he looked at me like I was crazy and said 'I don't want to play a daft board game' and carried on talking. I was embarrassed as MIL and FIL had bought it! So dd and I played alone while I seethed inside and I've been seething ever since.

At one point one of the cousins knocked a glass of wine off the dining table right next to dh (I was penned in in the corner) and he made no attempt to help FIL wipe it up. He made a remark about needing a towel rather than kitchen roll but continued to sit there and watch him clean it rather than run and get a towel.

I've had a change of direction work wise this year and I'm working towards a degree. I love what I'm doing and really proud of it. Not one person yesterday asked me about it, dh made no reference to it. I dutifully joined in the conversations about everyone else's work.

AIBU to be really annoyed with him today? Every time I look at him I remember his sneery face and 'daft' board game' comment I feel annoyed. He's not back to work until Tuesday but I'm not sure I can be around him another two days. I hate the sales but I might go just to get away from him.

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ohtheholidays · 27/12/2015 10:19

I feel sorry for your poor FIL in all of this,his wife is really ill and he was taking care of her and sorting out food and drinks for everyone else(I presume as you said he was in the kitchen)and he was cleaning up after his grandchildren.Why the hell wasn't anyone else chipping in and helping him and your poor MIL?

Enjolrass · 27/12/2015 10:22

OP yiur da was awful. But being good with money doesn't mark your dh a good husband or good father.

I would be beyond furious if dh sneered spending time with our kids.

You remember your dad wasting money. What if your dd becomes an adult who remembers her dad as being a sneers twat who never shit about himself and thought that all there was to being a dad is being decent with money?

bornwithaplasticspoon · 27/12/2015 10:24

Pinkdelight, I agree absolutely. I should have pulled him up on it but didn't want to ruin the atmosphere for the children. Dh's mum has been poorly and I wouldn't want to upset her.

It's hard to explain but dh comes from a family with a long line of men doing a certain very male dominated job. They are very old fashioned and the women take a back seat. I put up with it when I was younger (very young when we got together) but as I'm 'maturing' I'm finding it tiresome. It's only really when they're all together though that it gets magnified.

On the plus side. Dh's nan is 90 and sharp as a needle. We saw her the other day and she was so interested in my university tales and asked me loads of questions whilst pretty much ignoring dh. She's wonderful!

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GloriaHotcakes · 27/12/2015 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 27/12/2015 10:32

I'm also interested in knowing what job your dh does.

AnyFucker · 27/12/2015 10:37

Op, you sound far too grateful that your "provider" is only an arrogant arse "sometimes". I am cringing for you.

Parker231 · 27/12/2015 10:39

If he is such a great provider why are you racking up student debt?

pinkyredrose · 27/12/2015 10:45

Agog that he 'offered to do the hoovering' , does he normally ask you if he can clean his own house? Anyway YANBU. Ps. What are you studying?

pinkyredrose · 27/12/2015 10:46

Fuck yeah, why are you racking up debt?!

bornwithaplasticspoon · 27/12/2015 10:47

I've taken student finance as I won't owe a thing until I earn 21k. Paying £27k upfront is a bit beyond us. It's more the loss of my earnings and the day to day student 'stuff' and travel etc that he's 'providing' (well, we both are out of joint finances). Sorry if that wasn't clear

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bornwithaplasticspoon · 27/12/2015 10:50

I'm studying English. It's something I've always longed to do. Due to having crap father and loss of mother at an early age I did rubbish at school and had jobs I've never been happy in. My dream is to work in publishing or maybe teaching

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Inmybackyard · 27/12/2015 10:51

You do realise then that you're self financing and he's not really helping. The loan repayments will come straight out of your future salary.

I had this problem with exes in the past. Then I also matured and my career became interesting. The problem resolved itself as my interesting successful ex decided he didn't want an equal and ended it.

bornwithaplasticspoon · 27/12/2015 10:52

Dh runs his own business. He was in an industry for 20 years before leaving and starting the company. It IS interesting but he finds it hard to switch off.

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Duckdeamon · 27/12/2015 10:55

I'm sorry your dad was shit with money. Sounds like your H needs to work on his parenting, beyond "providing".

Kaytee1987 · 27/12/2015 10:57

I would tell him why you're annoyed, that you're going out and will be back at X time. In the meantime you would like him to do X, y, z (things with daughter, make tea etc)
Then you go shopping, get a manicure, meet a friend for coffee etc and remind yourself that you are interesting too and worth listening to.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 27/12/2015 11:09

Been there, done that. My (ex) in-laws were spectacularly disinterested in my life, other than being the mother of the Chosen One (DD). Very diminishing. My other problem, like yours, is DH needs to address it, even subtly, and he isn't doing this.

Russellgroupserf · 27/12/2015 11:13

My DH is also a great provider and has possibly an interesting job and has been on the tv, radio and quoted in newspapers. He aint Brian Cox but its a science thing and people have often heard of his research. He is however modest.

If your marriage ever failed, you alone would be left with that debt, handy for him.

I am wondering what his business is, if he is as arrogant and overbearing as I think he is then people may not be as interested as you think, they may not have a choice.

bornwithaplasticspoon · 27/12/2015 11:13

FIL is 62, retired recently and fit as a fiddle and will outlive us all I think. MIL is generally fit too, her issues are MH related so she's up and down. She's been really good lately. They are proud people who get narky if you try and offer to help with clearing up etc. No excuse for dh not to run for a towel though - it's just common sense to help in a wine on carpet spillage situation!

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pinkdelight · 27/12/2015 11:30

Don't think of it as you ruining the atmosphere for the children. It's him ruining it by not doing his bit and you're working twice as hard to keep things nice. Which as your growing resentment shows, is unsustainable. The nice atmosphere is currently a facade. To be a genuinely nice atmosphere, he needs to get off his arse and participate as a parent, not as the star turn. You are of equal worth, interest and importance and until you own that, you're reinforcing this idea that he's more fascinating simply for being himself whilst you have to run around after the kids and lose your sense of self in that group. Of course, if he does start doing his bit, they'll probably think he's even more wonderful, for doing this interesting job and being a hands on dad. But at least you'd have time to contribute to the conversation. Main thing is - don't take on the responsibility for not ruining the atmosphere. Don't put up with crap out of fear. Show your DD that mums don't have to subjugate themselves and that dads don't just get to wax lyrical about themselves while everyone does their bidding. That's surely the better way to go forward than by showing her that mummy puts up with it all day then gets her own back by spending a long time doing her hair and nails. That is not the desired outcome.

AnyFucker · 27/12/2015 12:33

Indeed.

Paying him back by spending extra time on your hair and nails ? Oh dear.

You will be suggesting a "spa day" next

bornwithaplasticspoon · 27/12/2015 14:01

Pink delight- great post, much appreciated, thanks.

AF - Spa day is my is my idea of hell. A day under the duvet with a book and pot of tea is more like it

For now - cuddled with dd watching Superman.

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