AIBU to be upset my dh headed out for 3 hours this evening?

[Lilifer]

I know its AIBU but please be gentle as I am feeling really upset by this, maybe overreacting but if I am its probably becuase we have been having some marriage counselling.

I live 4 hours from my family and live in my dh home town where he runs a retail business, so as he works up to xmas eve every year we always have xmas here and never with my folks.

This is fine, no problem with that. But he has 3 brothers, all married, two of the brothers have young kids (five kids under 8) and they were all home for christmas staying with PILs. We went to visit them this morning, (they live 5 mins away) only meant to stay an hour or so but it ended up being 3 hours, which knackered my xmas lunch plans a bit, and we ended up eating a lot later, which meant my kids (have 5 dc between 15 and 7) were all a bit tired and grumpy by the time we ate.

I didnt really mind cos I was just happy that we were all back in our own house and was looking forward to clearing up dinner and sitting down with qulaity street and xmas tv, with dh and kids. (it had been really hectic at the in laws, kids and toys and pressies and tantrums everywhere, and all great fun gor the kids but a bit manic for the adults, not that relaxing. Dh was happy to get home.

But then he said would i mind if he went back round to his folks tonight as he wanted t spend more time with his brothers when the little ones had gone to bed, like heading out around 8.30. I was a bit taken aback and a bit disappointed becuase i was looking forward to us all spending the eveining together, also felt we had sort of "done" our 3 hours earlier and didnt see any real need for him to go back. But i didnt want to stop him from seeing his brothers so asked him to go out whilest i watched the Downton special with my girls and be home by time it finished at 10.45 so we could sit up for an hour or so after it and have a drink and a chat about the day. He was totally happy with this and headed out 8.40 to be home by 10.45.

He texted me at 11 to say he was still there and would come home soon. He finally arrived home 11.40, having been out of house 3 hours. Kids were all away to bed and i had been sitting waiting on him since 10.45.

Im really upset, disappointed and a bit fed up. I didnt really want him heading out in the first place but was happy to compromise but just feel that the compromise was all by me and he just headed home when it suited him. Its kind of spoiled the end of the day for me, hes kind of acting like im making a fuss about nothing, (i did cry a bit, probably as much tired as upset) and hes all like its not the end of the world that he is a bit late etc, but AIBU to think 3 hours round at his folks when we were already there for 3 hours earlier is a bit much and that he should have done what he said he would and just make sure he was in the door when he himself said he would be.

Part of me thinks i shouldnt even have to have this chat with him. If he would rather be over there than with us then why on earth should i care and i shouldnt let it hurt me or get t me, just ignore it and get on with things.

[rainbowstardrops]

I wouldn't dream of leaving my DH and DC on Christmas night to go and see either of my brothers.

Especially if I'd just spent three hours with them earlier in the day.

Some people on MN are clearly a different species to me

[leaningtoweroflego]

"If my relatives lived in a different country i'd spend lots of time with them when they were back too."

She said they're home every 6 weeks. That's much more often than I see my family!

[FelicityFunknickle]

How can it be an overreaction to cry when one is upset?

[FelicityFunknickle]

i wouldn't dump my spouse and kids on Christmas eve to go have drinks with my sister.

[kali110]

Agree with xici
I 'd have no problem with this.
Think it's a huge overreaction to cry because he was an hour late as he was with his family.
'You'd done your time there' ?
It's his family so i doubt he sees it like that.
He was still back to spend time with you.
You were going to watch something he hated, and then stayed a bit longer to see another brother.
I don't personally think 3 hours is very long to spend with family.
It sounds like the time you spend there was hectic so it was nice for him to spend time relaxing with his family.
Being separated and only seeing your family when they are back in the same country as you is not the same as them living near you and being able to nip round.
If my relatives lived in a different country i'd spend lots of time with them when they were back too.

[Yambabe]

Could you not have gone with him? Especially if the other SILs were there? Your teenager(s) could have watched your little one for a couple of hours surely?

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

I mean I literally just turned to the front page of AIBU and saw at least three separate threads about men being crap at Christmas but I'm not about to start a thread saying "why are all British men so selfish" because I'm not a prejudiced twat.

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

Jesus Christ. If someone wrote "oh as soon as you said he was black it all made sense" people would go fucking spare and rightly so.


Fuck off with your stupid small minded bigotry. Believe it or not there are selfish people of every nationality and having spent years of my life in Ireland I never knew someone who thought like this. Outside of Angela's bloody Ashes.

What a horrible and irrelevant thing to say.

[AnyFucker]

Why didn't he want to be with his own children on Christmas evening ?

Personally, I don't really do Xmas but I do consider that it is for the kids, not the grown ups

[Dowser]

Your youngest is 7.

My response would be right kids....get your coats , we're back to nana's for the night.

What's the problem?

( it's only what you do on new year .surely . And we are not Irish....well great grandparents were!)

[wannabestressfree]

The thing is he was with 'his own family'. Op has said he wouldn't have wanted to watch downton Abbey and personally my pet peeve is 'come and watch Tele with me'.... How utterly dull
He wasn't' taking the piss he was having a laugh with his family at christmas. If you want to spend time with yours too then stand your ground. Just smacks of horribly needy or there is a lot more to this...

[FelicityFunknickle]

he can watch tv with you any night of the week
That might not be the case tbh. Life can be busy.
Also, this isn't just "any night of the week" and I didnt read it as hom wanting to see his brothers (which he had already done) but more about wanting time away from home. That would annoy me in these circumstances.
From Lilifer's description it sounds like he was quite dismissive of her feelings, which is unkind.

[NanaNina]

Sorry OP but I don't know what all the fuss is about. It's Christmas and he wanted to spend time with his brothers when the kids were all in bed. AND you live in different countries - there may be 6 weekly visits but it's not the same as popping out to see one of them or even driving over to see them.

I think it's unreasonable that you gave him a specific time to be home - once they get talking and reminiscing maybe, it's hard to say "Oh I have to go I have to be home by..........." SO I agree with arethereanyleft he can watch TV with you any night of the week, but he can't see his brothers like that, especially when they're altogether.

[AnyFucker]

My husband's family is Irish. They don't act like this.

[arethereanyleftatall]

I think yabu here.
For me, spending time chatting with siblings whom you only see once every six weeks, trumps watching TV with the person you see/will see day in and day out for the rest of your life.

[Dollius01]

All our Irish friends are like this. Once spent a week in a holiday villa on the west coast with a bunch of them and, I kid you not, every night without fail the men found a way to go off drinking, leaving the women at home with the kids. It is the norm.

There would usually be some excuse, oh got to meet so and so for a quick pint and then the phones would get switched off and they wouldn't be seen again for the rest of the night.

Lots of the girls told me hair raising stories about boyfriends going out on Good Friday to "do some shopping for Easter" and then rolling back in three days later.

[AnyFucker]

If my husband was off somewhere else when he should have been spending time with his own family, you bet I would be questioning where he went (and also thinking outside the box).

The thing is, he would never dream of doing something like that in the first place

People so inherently selfish as the one described here don't really engender 100% trust in me and I think people that do can sometimes get a very nasty shock (as evidenced by thread after thread on here)

There is nothing wrong is pointing out that people are not always where they say they are.

[Headmelt]

Are you absolutely 100% sure that is where he went ?
For Goodness sake, he spent a little time out of sight so he must be off shagging someone else. It's Christmas, he went to spend time with his brothers, not off having an affair! If we were all that paranoid, we'd be forever single. MN is the only place where the default answer is always to say or insinuate "he was gone out without you for a few hours, he is obviously having an affair. LTB!" especially on Christmas day . Here in the real world, people visit others, enjoy their company and lose track of time.

[XiCi]

I think crying because he was 40 mins late is a massive overreaction. He was having a drink with his family FFS while you were happy to watch something on TV that he had no interest in. I just cannot see what the problem is tbh.

[Bakeoffcake]

Yanbu

I would be really upset if DH treated me like this.
It doesn't sound like he's interested in spending the day with you and the children so next year I'd definitely go to your family for Xmas.

Does he put his family first in other occasions too?

[AyeAmarok]

I'm on the fence.

YABU because 40 minutes late is nothing really, not worth getting upset and tearful about. If you take this in isolation (as he probably is) then it's a bit of an extreme reaction.

However, you don't get to see tour own family at Christmas, so you'll feel lonely enough as it is without him buggering off for 3 hours in the evening and leaving you on your own, when you're waiting for him so you can spend some time together. It does sound a bit like he put you at the bottom of his priority list yesterday.

So with everything taken into account, I think YANBU.

Could you and the kids all go to your family next year?

[Potatoface2]

as soon as you said ireland/irish it all made sense....!

[TendonQueen]

Oh yes, I'd go to your folks next year, and if he complains point out that he hardly spent any time with you this year so you don't intend to have the same thing again.

[AnyFucker]

Next year, take yourself and your kids to your folks for a week. From about the 22nd December.

[Lilifer]

Oh I know he was there, trust me, this is just what they are like at xmas my sisters in law and Pils were all there too, I have no doubt about that at all.
I think that's it, the whole 3 hour session earlier which threw our day out of whack and then he goes back again for another 3 hours which is just too long, and hour or hour and a half fine, they only live around the corner it's easy to back home quickly. I feel me and the kids play second fiddle when his brothers are all home, they are strangely clannish.