To be pissed off by my parents' poor timekeeping?

[guinnessgirl]

My parents have form for impressive lateness - think hours, not minutes. It's become a running family joke that you should never expect them to be on time.

They called last week and asked if they could come up to see us today. We don't often see them, as their house isn't suitable for small children filthy and full of junk so it's really nice when they make the 3hr drive to come and see us. DM said they'd probably try to arrive early and leave early ish as DF has work tomorrow. This was great, as we are off to see DMIL for Christmas tomorrow morning so need the evening to pack.

I texted DM yesterday to ask what time they were hoping to arrive today. DM replied that she wasn't sure, maybe lunchtimeish? OK, I thought, bit vague, but it gives me a rough idea to not expect them until early afternoon at best.

This morning at 8 I texted and asked DM to let me know when they're leaving so I have an idea of when to expect them. It's 10am now and no text yet... I expect they won't leave for another couple of hours. Meanwhile, DS1 (5) has been asking when DP will get here, obviously excited about seeing them. I can't tell him, which is frustrating for a 5yo, and for me tbh.

It's likely they won't get here until mid afternoon, by which time DS2 (6m) will be starting to get grouchy, and most of their time here will be spent with me stressed about sorting dinner etc, and they won't leave early, meaning I'll be up till the small hours packing, knowing I'll get hardly any sleep because DS2 will wake at 4am.

So! AIBU to be feeling a bit pissed off, and WIBU to ask them to leave at 8 even if they've only been here a couple of hours? I do love them dearly but their habitual lateness really grinds my gears

[Lweji]

How could you?

[OnlyLovers]

I was thinking that too, diddl. I couldn't be arsed.

[guinnessgirl]

Well now, the irony. DPs are set to arrive in five minutes and we're not home yet...

[diddl]

" I now don't wait for her, at all. "

I'm stunned that you still have anything to do with her!

[ginnybag]

My Dad does this, to some extent, which coupled with his fundamental inability to think ahead, means he tends to see us about twice a year.

My worst culprit, however, is a friend's wife, and her timekeeping is so bad she's been sacked from jobs before now because of it. She, too, most definitely has the-not-late-till-the-time-I-was-supposed-to-be-there-has-passed mind set.

She once kept me waiting, with my cold-riddled 3 year old, in the freezing cold for four hours. We were supposed to be meeting for lunch. I was texting her/her husband every twenty minutes for updates - 'we're on our way'.

Turns out she'd stopped for food in a town mid-way, taken an hour and a half to eat and then done some shopping before catching the bus.

What I said to her when she turned up wasn't polite. I now don't wait for her, at all. The number of things she's walked in on half way through is unbelievable, and two years later, she still gets a cob on because she's 'being left out'.

It's unbearably rude, and I've told her so directly.

[diddl]

I think that for those of us that this doesn't happen to it's really hard to understand.

I need to leave the house at 9/10, then that's what I do.

How hard is it?

Someone calls by, you tell them that you can't talk now as you are going out.

Same with the phone!

It is not being bothered imo as you have decided at that time to do something else when you should be leaving.

[GnomeDePlume]

guinnessgirl I get that lateness concept. Funny how often the late/punctual gene seems to alternate from generation to generation. DPiL were late people, DH is punctual. DCs dont seem to be as punctual as DH and me.

Glad that you have managed to get things done in time.

[guinnessgirl]

Gnome has it. They are just rubbish at prioritising and don't think they're late until the arrival time has actually passed. It's a dreadful habit but it doesn't come from lack of care - just lack of thought. still really pisses me off though

And I have already wrapped the presents and am very organised, ta muchly. Just don't want DS to see them, wrapped or otherwise, as he'll be unbearable if he does.

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

Just seen your update - great news

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

My inlaws are like this. We mainly try and visit them as it's so stressful, then we are in control of when we arrive and leave. When they do come I now always plan food that isn't too time critical as well.

But it also helps to maintain some firm boundaries. Eg tell them you have somewhere to be at 4pm and stick to it, so if they're late then it's their time they are wasting. At the moment the only consequences of them being late are on you - there need to be some consequences for them and you need to be much clearer, I think. Did you tell your mum you have to pack this evening? Could they watch the children or make dinner while you get on with it?

Would it also help in future to not tell your dcs they are coming? Let it be a nice surprise.

We've been much firmer with my inlaws and I do think they are slowly getting the message. Last time they came here they were early and caught me totally on the hop I nearly died of shock

[ChatShitGetBanged]

oh god this is so rude, mine are the same

I would have to say something

they wont change though I don't think :/

[GnomeDePlume]

You have my sympathy. IME it isnt about being bothered but just having the attention span of goldfish confused priorities.

DPiL were like this. It finally came to a head when they were due to arrive at about 2pm to spend the afternoon with us. They finally arrived about at 6pm. They lived 30 minutes away.

DH was very short with them and told them that they needed to leave as we needed to get on with dinner for the DCs.

Their reason for being late was that the son of a former NDN had called by to say hello and they had got chatting. In the moment son of NDN was the priority.

I dont know if anything was said privately between DH & his parents but they were never as late again.

[Lweji]

But the op also said she'd be wrapping things for the kids.

OP, in future don't ask them what time they'll be in. Tell them they need to be there at a certain time or not bother taking off.

[Sazzle41]

Always tell them an earlier 2hour 'fake' arrival time ? At their age they probably aren't going to change their MO. Surely they miss out on a lot of stuff tho, being early/on time means pick of best stuff at events/markets/car boot stuff etc. Their loss. I tried to help a friend with this and got nowhere as her whole upbringing was clockless/no routine and tbh she figured as long as she got to work on time the rest was fine: even tho I wouldn't wait for her re.stuff we had planned and days out etc didn't happen as she was a now show and 20mins was all I would wait. Again, her loss.

[Goingtobeawesome]

If you mean me, Lweji, I did read the thread. I felt the op was being a bit wimpy and was trying to suggest things so she can get everything done. She said the kid would be a pain, then make him part of the clothes packing and surely the presents are wrapped so it doesn't matter if he sees them. Maybe get organised sooner would help too. Christmas is always on the same day.

[guinnessgirl]

Well, you could knock me over with a feather. Got a text at 10.45 saying they're on their way! Considering their lunchtime is 1.30, that's practically punctual

This has made me realise, though, that a serious conversation needs to be had at some point. All those feelings clearly came from somewhere that needs to be aired...

[TheSconeOfStone]

YANBU. My in-laws are exactly the same. The problem isn't as bad as it was as they rarely visit these days. The two of them live in their own bubble oblivious to the needs of others. If the DC didn't love them so much (they can be fun when they are actually around) we'd stop making any effort to see them.

They live 200 miles away and the roads can be bad, we get caught when there are roadworks or an accident but with the in-laws it's every single time. They eventually sweep in listing all the reasons they are late this time while DDs are desperate for their attention. I just carry on my day as normal now. They can fit in with us when they eventually turn up. I can't understand how a journey that takes us 5 hours with young DC takes them 10-11 hours.

[HPsauciness]

One of my relatives is like this and it is irritating, you kind of get the feeling they don't want to rush to see you! As everyone has said, though, do what you can now, perhaps put a film on for the little one and do as much as you can, then get them to help at bedtime. It is frustrating though, the day's half gone by then and you get worn out when kids get up so early.

[Lweji]

Do people read the thread?

If necessary your parents should do bed time and you pack (wrap?) while they do it or while they are there.

[Goingtobeawesome]

You could pack now rather than after. Surely that is the sensible thing to do. Rope the child in to help. He can fetch things or sit him on the bed with a book. No need to make things harder for yourself. Next time don't tell your child. He can get exited when they actually walk in the door.

[OnlyLovers]

Pack now rather than waiting until the small hours. If they arrive and expect you to drop everything to see to them, tell them you had to pack now or you'd be up all night.

I hate lateness. It's so arrogant and egotistical.

Basically, carry on as you would if they weren't coming. Don't hang around and change/put off plans for them.

[Fatherwishmas]

Don't tell your DC that they are coming in future

[allwornout0]

My parents are like this, although not as bad as some of yours.
They know that I can't stand lateness but still do it. If they are coming around for dinner at say 1pm I will have dinner on the table at 1pm, if they are not there we start without them.

[lorelei9]

it's a gorgeous day here
go to the park
if they turn up, they'll have to wait

[DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease]

My mum was late for my brother's wedding. I phoned her when I got there to advise what time she book the taxi for, phoned again when the church was filling up, asked the best man to wait. The vicar assumed my dad's girlfriend was db's mum and started the wedding without her. She was also bringing other brother and a cohort of aunts who entered the church to surprised stares from the congregation pretty near the end.

I never got to school on time. Waited hours sometimes after school to be collected, etc.

Basically, I feel your pain.

All you can do is try to minimise the impact. Start your packing now. Don't host them beyond the time you would have had you been on time.

You can't change them but you can change how it affects you.