AIBU to think I can do this?

[IASM]

I've just been made an offer to study midwifery at my local university. I've been working soooo hard for this and I should be over the moon. The problem is that my mother and I have just had a very uncharacteristic row about it and it's really upset me and made me doubt my choice.

The situation is that I'm a mature student and am a single mother to three young children. Their father is very involved, we co-parent well, and I have really supportive friends. I'm under no illusions that it will be tough and complicated but I'm prepared for that and also prepared that it might be even harder than I've prepared for...! I was worried that I didn't have my mother's full support so I questioned it and she told me that she was worried about the children and that they would suffer. I know that she has - and does - feel guilt about working while we were small and even now that her job (that she does not enjoy) means that she does not have enough time for us (her perception; mine is more that I worry for her doing a job that she dislikes as I believe it affects her mental health).

Until now I have been a teacher and don't want to go back to that - and would rather my children see me enjoying working hard at something I love rather than resenting having to work harder at something I don't want to do. I can't stay at home with them forever and don't want to teach - and really really want to be a midwife!

Sooooo, AIBU to think I can do this, or does she have a point? She won't answer my calls and I'm gutted, we never do this.

[Pandora97]

Congratulations! I've just qualified as a midwife and although I don't have children, I saw the experiences of others on my course who did. One woman was a single mother of 4 and managed it so it is doable. That said, you need to have amazing childcare in place. One of the lecturers came in one day and shouted at us that too many of the mums were taking time off at short notice because their childcare had fallen through and it was unacceptable. I felt really sorry for them but it shows how important it is.

Also, shift work can be better but some days you might not see your children very much. For example, if you're working 3 or 4 nights in a row you're barely going to see them although I'm sure you've considered that. One thing I heard from the mums was that don't feel guilty if all you can be bothered to make for tea is chips and if the housework doesn't get done. Most of them said that their house was messy for 3 years! Oh, I've just thought sometimes you might be asked to go on call at night for home births. You don't have to do it but it's a good thing to do if you can as depending on your area home births might be very rare (unfortunately I never got to go to one, despite being on call at night loads!) So you'll need to consider childcare arrangements for suddenly needing to go out at 3am.

Unfortunately, getting a job afterwards can be just as competitive. You've got a while to worry about it and things can change year to year but I have heard of some hospitals only being able to offer half of their students jobs. One of my uni's placement hospitals told their students in my year that there were no jobs AT ALL for them but then managed to pull some temporary contracts out the bag at the last minute. They had to be interviewed again 6 months later for permanent contracts which I think they've now all got. But it was a very stressful, scary time for them, especially for the mums who were tied to that area. There's not much you can do about situations like that, other than looking into whether you could commute to other hospitals. But during the course I attended as many study days as I could, acted as a mentor to first year students etc. as this all helps with applications. And keep practising drugs calculations. Most hospitals include them as part of their interview process now, and at one I went to recently so many people were turned away because they didn't do well enough which is a real shame. If you struggle with maths, which I did, then it's a good idea to keep on top of it.

Good luck! It's a real rollercoaster ride and there will be times when you want to quit, I don't know anyone who didn't think that at least once, but as cliched as it sounds, it's an amazing journey. I think I've grown so much as a person and I'm a lot less judgemental than I used to be. Some days are real hard work but it's an amazing, very privileged job to have. You can always PM me if you have any questions about the course, I'm a saddo who loves talking about it.

[RubbleBubble00]

Your a single parent but your not parenting alone as you said so why shouldn't you do this. Surely ex won't mind having kids overnight or picking up from school.

[IASM]

Thank you for showing the other side - it helps to have all the information. I am aware from extensive reading and through other mw friends that the current state of midwifery is fairly shocking. I would, however, say the same about teaching! Useful to be going in with eyes wide open - it'll not be putting me off though. But thank you, truly.

[Crazybaglady]

I am very excited and envious of you! Congratulations- you can do it!!!!

[Cotto]

Thanks Pippin I felt really bad posting that when the OP is so excited.
The conditions are dire- you may think shift work works well with/around DC but my friends are regularly simply unable to leave as there is no one coming onto the next shift- one friend in London is doing 70 hr weeks but only being paid for 40hrs.
They are scrutinised and criticised - so many are ill with stress and so it goes on.

[Pippin8]

I did my midwifery degree when my DS's were small. I absolutely loved my training, it was hard at times, but easily doable if you're organised. My DH was & still is really supportive. My DM was another story, not interested, not supportive & I could tell she didn't want me to do it. I later found out from my grandad she was jealous.

You do need someone who will be there at the drop of a hat, someone who can offer constant support. The the nights, weekends & bank holidays are hard to do with kids. I've left my DS's to go and work on numerous Xmas & NY's & it sucks.
There's also the stress & worry that you've been able to give high quality, safe care. It does drain you physically & emotionally & I have to agree with a lot of what Cotto has said. Conditions are not good at the moment.

[Cotto]

Gosh Im sorry to put a downer on this but I wouldn't become a midwife if I was paid a million pounds.( am a HCP)
The current working conditions for Midwives are horrendous.
Friends of mine are quitting every week- they just cant take it anymore.
They cannot leave their 12 hour shifts because there is no one coming to relieve them and despite this its a blame culture- utterly soul destroying.
Run away fast!

[IASM]

Thank you. I've chatted with her (not specifically about this; I'm leaving that for now. I know what she feels and she knows I'm going to do it), and we are fine.

I can now get excited about the course!

[LoTeQuiero]

I had a baby in what would have been my second year at Uni studying Law. I took a year out to stay at home with her and then went back and graduated a year later than planned.

It was tough, but it was easily do-able with planning and good time management (something I'd never enjoyed before or have done since!!).

I chose a more flexible career than Law in the end, but I'm more suited to it and I wouldn't change any of my decisions. My mum threw me out when she learned I was pregnant at 19 (I was with the father at the time, we split when she was 2 but we co-parent very well and we're friends) and it took her years to come round. DD is 14 now .

I think you will be setting an excellent example to your children at the same time as doing something you love and that will fulfil you. Good luck OP!

[seastargirl]

My mum did this, I was 12 and my sister 15. It was hard for her, but it's the best thing she has ever done. As a child I was so so proud of her and as I've grown up I've only ever got prouder as I realised how difficult it must have been especially as there was no help from my dad.

Go for it, make your children proud and enjoy it x

[FunkyPeacock]

Go for it

I suspect your DM will become more supportive when she realises that this is definitely happening and you demonstrate that you can make it work

I think there is perhaps a generational attitude that you should stick out your first choice career and that retraining because you hate your job is in some way self indulgent or greedy.

[IASM]

I hope so! If not, I have close friends who will be - one of whom is an A&E nurse so she understands how it is. I understand what you are saying though, and it will be a tough three years I suspect. I guess I can only try and see what happens.

[lunar1]

Will you ex be ok with last minute shift changes and you being hours late home from placement with no notice, and your rota being given last minute.

If he is then you will be fine. The training is very unpredictable, when you qualify you should be ok finding a job that meets your needs but while you train you probably won't get a say in your shift pattern.

[IASM]

It is, yes. So I have a while to get everything in place and if I can get a start on some of the reading that should help too.

I'm feeling a bit better about it all now - thank you all for your comments.

[RebootYourEngine]

Sounds like you are going in to it with your eyes fully open.

When do you start, is it next september?

[Jibberjabberjooo]

I think shift work works very well when you've got children. You can pack more hours into a day, for example if you work two 12 hour shifts a week, that's 24 hours done where as normally that would be a three day week. As long as you have child care obviously. As long as you're prepared for nights and weekends. It's much easier I think within the NHS to be part time too. I'm a nurse and I work part time. But as I do shifts I'm not doing much less than my full time colleagues. How that makes sense!

[UtterlyClueless]

You can do it.

I have a 3month old I'm a single mum I study medicine and I'm 25,although it's hard it's going to be rewarding!

[IASM]

mygrandchildrenrock it's good to hear success stories, thank you - and proving your stepmother wrong must have been wonderful satisfaction!

[IASM]

Reboot I have thought about it and planned as much as I can. While I don't know for sure how it's going to feel once I've started I have done a full time degree before (physics, so it was full days of lectures and labs) and have planned what will happen during placements. The university is pretty good at helping place you and taking your situation into account as far as possible, and it's very well placed so that the vast majority of placements are not far away. There is going to be an element of suck it and see, of course there is, but I feel as prepared as I can be. I have a friend also with a family in her second year at the same place which is really helpful in terms of finding out the realities. It's very useful to have people reminding me of said realities from time to time so I can keep working on it. Ultimately my children are my priority and that will remain so; part of the reason I'm doing this is for the longer term benefits but if the short term pain for them outweighs that I will have to rethink. I am lucky in that while I am technically a single parent their father is very involved and supportive and we coparent well...I just hope that's enough!

[mygrandchildrenrock]

Congratulations on getting a place, well done you! Over 30 yrs ago I phoned my step-mother to tell her I was going to University, as a single mum with 3 young children. I have never forgotten that phone call, she said 'you're going to be neglecting your children and you expect me to pleased about that'. I was shocked because she had been the first person to say anything negative no change there.
My oldest 3 children were very proud of me getting a degree and then a good job and I don't think it did them any harm whatsoever.
Good luck with it all.

[RebootYourEngine]

Well done in getting an offer. It is a fantastic opportunity.

I dont want to put a dampner on it but have u thought it all through. Midwivery is a full time course, a lot of placements that could be miles from home, a lot of studying. Things will get neglected. I went back to studying part time and in reality it was more full time. Everything suffered. Its hard.

[IASM]

Actually it didn't - she has only been in it for the last couple of years. Yes, she worked when we were children but so did my father. And I supported myself through uni and trained to teach on the job. A few assumptions there that perhaps are unwarranted.
She has made the other point that you made, and I do see where she is coming from. But (given that she and my father are both in the school system themselves) she understands that teaching hours are in reality not actually perfectly good when it comes to having children, hence (I think) her guilt at having worked in schools while we were growing up. She definitely has a point with regards to the degree course and fitting it all in; looking beyond that though shift work seems more beneficial to bringing up children than does teaching.

[missymayhemsmum]

YANBU, but go into it with your eyes open. But presumably your mum's hated job supported you through training to be a teacher, she stuck with it for years to do the best for her family, and now (from her point of view) you are abandoning a perfectly good career and school hours starting on life as a full-time student with a future of antisocial shifts. She is NBU either

[IASM]

Good luck to you too, Samosa. Teaching is really rewarding, it gave me 10 wonderful years.

Don't I have a nurse friend who is also a single mother and a great source of encouragement - especially with how to cope with shift work. I actually think it'll work out better with children than 9-5 full time work, and she seems to embody that. So I live in expectant hope!

[SingingSamosa]

Go for it! As long as you have the childcare arrangements in place, you should do something for yourself I think.

I've spent the last eight years raising my three children to school age (youngest starts in September next year) and whilst doing that I have been studying for a degree with the OU with the aim of doing a PGCE course. I had all my interviews a week or so ago and got offered places on some very competitive courses. I'll be starting my PGCE next year and the childcare costs are going to be astronomical for three kids in breakfast/after school club but at the grand old age of 38 (I will be then) it's finally time to do something for me and get a career under my belt before they are all grown and gone!

Kudos to you for doing it as a single parent, you should be very proud of yourself for even getting to this stage in proceedings. I was very torn between teaching and midwifery so I'm a little bit jealous of you! Good luck!