To think you can't stop a teen from making poor choices

[Claybury]

DS is 18 and is on a slow decline in that he is caring less and less about is studies, is smoking more and more weed and hanging out with people who also have little ambition. Anything we say makes no difference. Articles in the paper shown to him by us about the harms of skunk are met with scorn and suspicion.
AIBU To think all I can do is stay calm, model good behaviour, and pick up the pieces eventually ?
FWIW in years past we have sent him to drug counsellors, had him assessed for depression by a psychiatrist, spoken to teachers, imposed curfews, removed pocket money etc . Nothing ever seems to make any difference.
It all feels so hopeless and unfair when you are the parent.

[DancingDuck]

Is there anything else he likes doing which is perhaps linked to the weed smoking scene (graffiti art, playing in a band) that you could encourage him to get involved in, that might kick start him out of the inertia?

[DancingDuck]

Do you know why he started smoking at 14? Is there some underlying thing about life in general or his in particular that he finds really difficult to deal with?

You mentioned trips he refused to go on. Is there any way you could sign up as a family for a trip which would put his life in perspective? Some volunteering project where he sees people making the best of having so much less than he has? (Not saying I know this would work, as not tested it.)

Not the same, at all, but DS has ASD and flatly refuses all trips. I send him on them anyway. First time I felt like an awful bully, but he came back shining with happiness - best mood I've ever seen him in. Ever since, the pattern has been deep resistance, doom and gloom until departure and then coming home renewed. Maybe you should just sign him up anyway and see what he makes of it.

[NoahVale]

can you suggest other interests?
suggest he cooks for the family a couple of times a week?

[Mistigri]

Now you've explained it, it does sound like your reaction was proportionate - smoking a bit of weed at 13/14 isn't that unusual, but using a wider range of substances is a bit more concerning, especially in a teen with suspected depression.

Do you think he might be depressed now? Does he appear to have any other issues eg with self esteem?

In my experience of families with teens, loss of motivation and drive among late-teen boys does seem quite a common issue and anecdotally it seems to affect mostly bright but fairly aimless kids who are quite good at studying but don't really know what they want to do (I'm female but I was like this too!). The teens I know who were like this did drop out but returned to studying a bit later, often doing more vocational courses - I do think some bright kids basically fall into studying academic subjects (because they are academically able) when they might find something more practical more interesting. I wonder if a session with a good careers advisor might help on the motivation front?

[Claybury]

Marynary - he was smoking weed at 13/14 years of age and when I found out he was happy to have sessions with the school drugs counsellor. We had him speak to an adolescent psychiatrist because he seemed depressed at 15, and we found out he'd been taking many other so called recreational drugs ( ketamine , MDMA, and others ) so we were concerned. There was no diagnosis of illness so we only had 2 sessions.
School work has not been a problem, until very recently

[shebird]

If he is/ has suffers from any from of depression then weed will only make this worse.

A close family member works on a psychiatric ward where most of the patients are bright, talented young men who's mental health has been damaged by drug taking. The 'it's only a bit of weed' gang are fools if they think this stuff has no effect on young growing minds.

[Marynary]

Given that he only smokes weed at weekends and in the past he has always exceeded exam expectations why have you previously sent him to drug counsellors and psychiatrists?

[Claybury]

Mistgri- a fair post. But my original post was not about a teenage drug addict. It is about a teen with no motivation, ambition or drive. Indeed weed may be a small or large contributory factor. Who knows.
He has always exceeded expectations in exams. But in my last meeting with teachers the reports were the worst ever, with major concerns of decline in effort and a new thing, missing lessons altogether.
I don't feel I'm over parenting at all, because he is so quiet and secretive it is not really possible for me to be involved in his life. The health professionals I mentioned are a handful of appointments over 4 years.

[Marynary]

If he is only smoking weed at weekends and rarely using other drugs then I doubt really that his current lack of ambition has anything to do with drug use. All you can do is support and encourage him and hope that he that he eventually realises that qualifications will benefit him in the future.

[Mistigri]

Also "if family give him money he spends it on clothes" - this is really not the behaviour of someone with a substance abuse problem ...

[Mistigri]

It strikes me that people have jumped on the drugs issue when it seems objectively to be a relatively small part of the problem (or, dare I say it, not part of the problem at all; would people be so judgemental about an 18 year old getting hammered every Saturday night? I suspect not).

If he's attending his classes and not smoking in the week, then the situation isn't catastrophic, especially if he has a history of successfully swotting for exams. How did he do at GCSE/ AS level? Does he have clear plans for uni?

I do wonder if you're guilty of over-parenting here - he's only 18 and has already seen a succession of mental health professionals and has been force-fed media scare stories about drugs - for what on the face of it don't sound like addiction issues. (People with substance abuse problems don't usually stop during the week, and they tend to lie, cheat and steal to get their fix - not sit around in their bedrooms being mildly antisocial).

Maybe I'm totally misreading this, but I do think that some of what you are doing is very counterproductive - I know that if I gave my 14 year old media scare stories about drugs she would raise her eyebrows at me and suggest something more evidence-based.

[Enasharpleshairnet]

Don't let shame dictate your actions.

[spritefairy]

Sometimes stopping money wont cure anything. If they are that desperate they will find money. Be it selling possessions or stealing/robbing.

[Duckdeamon]

You won't withdraw his cash supply, from you and others? Why?

And why not tell extended family? Hiding it is unlikely to help.

[Enasharpleshairnet]

They still can be influenced but it's hard.

My teen did finally seem to admit I had a point when I railed against supporting the drug economy following the shooting of the little boy in Salford.

Previous points about screwing with your mental health were dismissed - there is a mass of pro-drugs propaganda swilling around young people.

Cutting off his money supply while finding him something else to do (job?) sounds sensible.

[Claybury]

Almond - quite. In some cases sanctions / withdrawal of privileges may work but sometimes it's just not applicable in practice.

[almondpudding]

I am in exactly the same situation but without the weed.

It is awful.

You can't make another adult do what they don't want to do.

[Claybury]

We have games consoles and TVs , it's just that we don't have them in bedrooms.
He hates going on holiday with us ( we have me him comes along in the past) and we already have the dog !
If family give him money he tends to spend it on clothes. I can't tell people not to give him money, it would devastate grandparents to be told not to and why.

[GloGirl]

Don't let anyone give him money for Christmas, not even vouchers, he will sell them.

[GloGirl]

The more time he's at home the less he is smoking. Buy him a TV and games console for Christmas. Stop giving him any spending money.

Encourage him to get new friends, encourage him to work, even in spite of his exams. Get a dog, make him walk it twice a day, do training classes with him. Invite him on the holiday of a lifetime if you can afford it so he can't take drugs with him or smoke when he's there. Encourage him to invest more in a hobby, or a fan dom.

I'm not saying do all these things, or any if them. I am just brainstorming. He is at the crossroads. If you keep doing things as you have, he will keep doing the same things he always did.

And no more money!! That's the main one, as said his friends will prop him up for a few weeks but no longer.

[IguanaTail]

He does seem to require some parenting - he'd like to think he's the Lone Ranger but in fact he's relying totally on you.

[IguanaTail]

Well don't give him lots of money then. Don't give him any money. He doesn't need much money if you are already clothing and feeding him. Why wait till next summer? Maybe having no money will make him get a job and sort himself out a bit.

[Claybury]

Wow thanks for all the replies and such understanding.
I think it's is a matter of encouraging him with the last stretch of his Alevel courses, and hoping time and maturity will help him, along with going to university in September for a fresh start and new friends. He has been good at cramming in the past and he has been going to most of his classes lately.

I'll be ceasing the small monthly allowance we currently give him as soon his exams are over next summer, so he will have to get a job if he wants cash.
So worried about his mood, he barely talks to us at home and when we ask if he is ok he says yes, leave me alone, kind of thing. So hard to know if he is actually depressed or just refusing to engage with us.
We have tried to send him away the last two summers on trips but he has flatly refused, and it is hard to think of spending lots of money on someone so ungrateful. We do have other DC's.
He doesn't have a TV in his room, we don't have much leverage like that as he isn't materialistic and never needs stuff like lifts from us. In fact he requires very little 'parenting' which is part of the problem, we have very little to do with each other.

[Mistigri]

Does he actually attend his classes? What type of course is he doing? Does he have any ambitions?

This isn't intended to minimise his problems, but if the weed/ other drugs really are confined to weekends (how can you be sure?) then it seems to me that while it may be part of the problem it certainly isn't the whole story. Does he drink? What does he do on weekday evenings at home?

It's pretty common for teenagers to through periods of low motivation - I basically bunked the last two years of school but I did get my act together in the last 6 weeks and swotted like mad (and got straight As which was very very rare in the old days before grade inflation). I'm sure that my mum despaired of me at certain points too.

[StellaAlpina]

When my dad was a troubled teenager, my grandparents sent him off to Brazil as soon as he finished high school! Is there anyway you can send him to a completely different environment e.g. convenient uncles/aunts grandparents that live on a farm abroad? Could you pay for him to do some sort of organised gap year (although not somewhere with a drug culture)?