To tell dh that if he wants to buy baby stuff he will have to go without me?

[Givinguph0pe]

I'm 30 weeks pregnant and so far have nothing. I will be delivered at 37-38 weeks as I'm a high risk pregnancy, probably 38 weeks.
Dh wants to go and get all the baby stuff in a couple of weeks as he has a day off. Some stuff we can get online but some things he wants to look at in the shops - car seats and prams mainly I think.

I still don't feel ready to buy any baby things. I don't want to have to look at it all when we come home from the hospital if the baby has died. I don't want to talk about the baby or think about the baby and I definitely don't want to look at baby things.

Wibu to tell him to go with mil - who is very excited - and then leave anything they get at hers so I don't have to see it? I cannot face going into shops and shop assistants asking when I'm due and having to pretend to be excited etc.

[SaltySeaBird]

Oh and I've refused to buy maternity clothing too - it's very hard! Actually a relief in not the only one!

[SaltySeaBird]

I could have written much of your post. With DD we brought the bare minimum and ended up stopping on the way home for essentials. We borrowed clothes from the hospital so she had stuff to wear home.

I've had fertility treatment which ended in miscarriage and had thought we wouldn't be able to have another child but I'm pregnant naturally with DC2 now.

I'm convinced something will go wrong and have refused to even get anything out the loft or to empty and clear the spare room. If we get to bring the baby home DH can retrieve what we need and I can order online. We don't have a pram anymore but I don't want to buy one yet.

I'm also diabetic and I think the sheer volume of appointments we get along with the worst case scenarios and knowing we are high risk does make it hard mentally.

Wishing you lots of luck

[eurochick]

I was the same. I took years and four rounds of IVF for me to get pregnant. I found it so difficult to believe it had finally happened. Then I bled for three weeks in the first tri - horrible crampy heavy bleeding. I just couldn't believe it would end well. Then at the 20 week scan they picked up a problem with blood flow through the placenta. She ended up growth restricted and I was scanned daily with a decision being taken whether she was better off in or out. They weren't sure whether it was just the placenta problem or whether there was an infection or chromosomal abnormality affecting her growth. I didn't want to know the sex as I didn't want to bond. In the end she was delivered at 34 weeks and spent 3 weeks in NICU.

I did buy a few things when the scans indicated delivery was imminent but it was totally joyless for me. I ended up staggering around mothercare about 40 hours after my section to get her clothes.

[ratspeaker]

Oh my poor dear.

Your GP said 1 in 200 pregnancies end in stillbirth.
Daft eejit.
(Gp not you)
You have heard that and focused on it

That also means also 199 don't.

I'm lucky and I know it, I had high risk pregnancy with my DS.
I went ahead.

I was monitored, had CS before due date, DS was in special care for a while.
He's a strapping lad now.

maternity stuff? Go with what you are comfortable wearing.
Baggy leggings, big baggy t shirts. Outsize sweaters.

Let your DH research what car seat will fit.
He feels he is doing something, feeling involved.
Then get him to sign up to Amazon Prime.
If all is well, as I'm sure it will be,then he can get car seat and so on, by next day delvery, and you can watch films etc while lying in bed recovering from the birth.

[Kewcumber]

I agree with the GP is a knob comment.

I'm not sure how helpful it is but DS was born at 26 weeks and weighed less than a kilo. He is a strapping brute now and will be 10 next week.

You don;t need much that you can't buy afterwards.

[LittleTulip]

I completely understand.

Me and DH argued a lot about this during my second pregnancy. There were a lot of tears. I have however had a previous stillbirth and then a subsequent high-risk pregnancy.

I disagree with some others in that you won't regret it.

What I did was make a shopping list with exactly what I wanted.

DS ended up coming early and spent 4 weeks in SCBU so we ended up buying then.

[Handywoman]

Feel so sad reading this OP. I totally understand prenatal anxiety. There is something very particular about it. If you were my woman outs self I would be coming round to see you at home and sit and chalk the weeks off with you. Don't buy anything. Don't go shopping. Allow yourself permission to feel how you feel. A car seat would be great, the rest is not important right now. Does your community midwife know how you feel? Have you looked at the Headspace Pregnsncy stuff? Won't change anything but may stop you deteriorating. Someone should be keeping a very close eye on your wellbeing in my opinion. The fact that you aren't on a perinatal mental health radar (not all trusts are well set up) is lamentable.
You must certainly ANBU.

[PitilessYank]

I am a big believer in intuition, but when you say this: "gut instinct just makes me think something will go wrong", I think that you are actually experiencing fear that something will go wrong, not having an intuitive sense that something will go awry. Perhaps start to think of it as fear, rather than gut instinct, and maybe you will be able to fight this sense of inevitable disaster?

Talk with your friends, your family, about these fears at length, maybe? Do you have a friend who will just listen to you do that and not try to reassure you, but rather just listen very deeply and hold your hand? Just a thought.

[PitilessYank]

That made my eyes well up, reading about the reason that you bought the one outfit you bought...

I only bought six white onesies and a single pack of newborn diapers (oh, and a car seat, had to have one to bring a baby home from the hospital) before my first child was born, so I kind of understand where you are at, mentally. I had to scramble to get everything else after he was born. Luckily I was breastfeeding so the lack of baby bottles did not mean he went hungry! I really did not have my shit together at all... I think in my case it was more of a fear of becoming a mother, and not being sure that I could handle it. There was a denial component.

Being a person with Type 1 diabetes doubtless means that your pregnancy has been very medicalized, which can be terribly disconcerting/terrifying. I must say, though, I am a physician, and I have had four children and I have never had an OB doctor quote stillbirth statistics to me and make such a moronic suggestion as yours did. That was quite tacky.

Do whatever makes you feel most comfortable/least distressed at this time. Don't be afraid to ask people to help by storing baby things at their houses if it is easier for you. Maybe do let your MIL go shopping on your behalf, I bet she would love that, and she would likely be thrilled to be able to present the stuff to you after you give birth to your healthy baby girl.

[ihatevirginmobile]

Another who had a high risk pregnancy. I completely understand. First I had a high risk of miscarriage then late foetal death. If they picked up a problem with growth the baby would be induced. I got to 24 weeks (could survive with disabilities), 28 weeks (should be ok) - if it didn't die between scans (didn't find out the sex until birth) I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant (bar close family and my boss) until it was obvious at 8 months.
I was having weekly growth scans so I could never forget...I was due to be induced a couple of days earlier than my due date.
My mentality was hope for the best, prepare for the worse.
I didn't have anything even though one of the scans was abnormal at 33 weeks ish -only later did I realise they were thinking of inducing me then...and I would have had nothing.
I did get given some stuff from a couple of people at work (moses basket and car seat amongst them) once people realised I was pregnant (so at 8 months) but I didn't even look at it.
At 37-8 weeks I went out and bought a packet of baby grows, vests and nappies and looked at the car seat....and that was when my anxiety shot through the roof. Up to then I hadn't allowed myself to think I might actually get a baby...with the stuff I started to believe I might and it would be worse if anything happened then. Like a PP I was in tears begging them to 'just get it out now why it is still alive - why are you waiting till it dies?'
(She arrived a minute before she was due to be induced -and my notes say I was overly anxious...no really . She is now a beautiful, clever, typical PIA teen...
I think I did the right thing for me...any earlier I think I would have had a break down before birth....that last week when it started to be 'real' was hell. The only thing I regret is not getting more scan photos - I only got 2 (12 weeks and 30ish)
(For DD2 I was also anxious but I'd done it once and it was ok - I had all the stuff in the attic anyway - also I insisted on less scans (2-3 weekly) as they did make it worse, rather than give me peace of mind -especially the last few.)
So you know yourself better than anyone - so don't buy stuff unless you are ready. As others have said newborns don't need much. Let DH and MIL buy a car seat etc - but you don't need to get involved or even look at it.
Good Luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

[Rebecca2014]

I find that really sad as the best bit about being pregnant for me was going to all the baby shops with my partner (at the time) and looking at baby stuff. Good memories and sad you cant enjoy that excitement.

[PiccalilliSandwiches]

I'm so sorry you feel this way. Please keep trying to get some help. Ask to be referred urgently to the local perinatal mental health team. Your anxiety is causing you such distress and could so easily impact on your bond. The worry about losing this baby won't be any easier once they are here.

This should be a happy time. Your GP was so very insensitive

On the practicalities, how about your dh chooses the urgent stuff - car seat, few clothes, nappies. And leave the rest til after the baby is born.

I'm a worrier and I worried about my son when he was first born. What I did was allow myself 10 minutes of worry and then forced myself to put those feelings to one side and accept that those feelings have only a negative effect. Allowing the anxiety wouldn't stop anything bad happening but it would stop the good being enjoyed.

Would you consider natal hypnotherapy? I found this fantastic for relaxation and teaching techniques to cope with stress. The birth one was also superb for me during labour to help feel in control.

Allowing yourself to feel happy won't make it hurt any more if things go wrong OP. But the overwhelming likelihood is that in 2 months time you will have a new and wonderful addition to your family.

[slithytove]

We lost dd1 to stillbirth.

I still allowed myself to love and hope for my subsequent babies, because that love I had and have for dd1 is what sustained me through utter hell. Knowing we had a bond meant so much. So if you can, let yourself love and bond with your baby.

That being said, I wouldn't buy anything. Wait and do it after baby arrives, they don't need much in the early days. Perhaps just ask DH and MIL to sort a hospital bag if you can't face it.

I would also seek some counselling as a matter of urgency - ask your midwife.

Congratulations

[starry0ne]

I don't really have much helpful to add but do want to wish you luck with the rest of the pregnancy

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Don't worry about the stuff. Let either DH, your mum or a close friend buy a packet of sleepsuits, some little vests, some nappies & a packet of wipes for in the hospital.

Everything else can be bought either online or from shops after your baby arrives.

Could you afford any private counselling sessions at all? I am sorry you have been let down by your GP so badly.

[VestalVirgin]

You are doing the pregnancy thing, your husband can do the buying. Sounds fair to me.

I don't think I would enjoy buying baby stuff at 30 weeks pregnant even if it wasn't a risk pregnancy - I hate shopping, it is stressful, and I do not want to do it when I am not in top condition.

[TheCarpenter]

Been there.

Took us years and fertility treatment to have DD. I had these exact same feelings, I didn't knit or make her clothes although I'm able to as I was scared they wouldn't be good enough and what if she died. Then she was born, and the feeling didn't go away.

Talk to your husband. Like sit him and down and explain how every day feels for you. I didn't at first, as I felt it was morbid and a slight against people I know who have suffered baby loss. I 'hugged' my bump and told it I needed them to be okay, I didn't dare complain about how hard my pregnancy was. For the first few weeks of her life I cried as I read her stories and put her to bed, in case she never woke up.

You do what you need to do to get through this. Get a better GP. Babies need fuck all at first anyway so only buy what you want, but you won't jinx anything, it doesn't work like that, I KNOW that and I have the same problem. My HV has been great with me, talk to people. Don't carry it alone.

[LardLizard]

Worrying Does Not Take Away Tomorrow’s Troubles, It Takes Away Today’s Peace

This resonates with me

[Headofthehive55]

As people have said you really really need very little. A car seat, (could you borrow one) a few baby grows and nappies.

The rest can wait. Not everyone buys stuff beforehand! Some people wait to see whether it's pink or blue you need!
My DH bought a padded suit and blanket on the way to pick me up. The older children loved choosing it. My DM brought a lovely going home outfit for my DD in the appropriate colour and brought it to hospital.

[LardLizard]

Just not important

[LardLizard]

My ds1 died shortly after he was born, and coming home to our house with the nursing chair in the living room and his cot in his bedroom didn't make me more sad
As it was impossible to feel sadder than I already felt

Guess what I'm trying to say is when something goes wrong you really don't care about all that stuff
It's just important

I've had a subsequent pregnancy and another ds since
And many friends I've met in rl via sands etc
Have all had issues in subsequent pregnancies and bonding can be an issue

In fact it could be worth calling somewhere like sands as they are well torso he'd in helping people that are anxious in subsequent pregnancy plus they know all the facts and stats about still birth

Good luck op
Your nearly there now

[Greengardenpixie]

The gp said it was good to protect yourself as things can go wrong and that the still birth rate was around 1 in 200. She said it was better not to get too attached.


That was really helpful wasn't it?
Glad i don't have your GP.
The odds are stacked in your favour.
All the same, if you feel uneasy about buying then don't.

[OldGreyCat]

Good luck with complaining to the GMC - there is a VERY high bar for their considering a GP to have behaved poorly.

OP, I felt the same. I did get some things in in the end but not much. I had a number of friends who went through IVF / misc / stillbirth and bought nothing before the birth. Couldn't even pack a labour bag.
If it makes you feel less anxious, buy the stuff after the birth / store it out of sight

There are 199 chances that it will 'be ok' and only 1 that it wont.

If you are already 30 weeks you have passed lots of milestones already.

I wish you all the best for a safe and happy delivery.

[MurlockedInTheCellarHelpUs]

Your GP is a knob. Seconding all the kind words and good advice above - do you think you could contact the MW again for a bit of counselling? Worth a try to get on the list just in case a spot opens up.

I also think it's totally OK for you not to shop if it's going to cause you anxiety. It's just stuff - while a lot of people enjoy it, it's not an integral part of becoming a parent. I honestly didn't care a jot about what car seat or pram we had until DD was about 6 months old when I went out and bought one that didn't give me a hernia when I put it in the car boot.

If MIL is happy to accompany your DH, then let her - she'll enjoy it, and if everything is left in the packaging with receipts attached, you can swap anything you wouldn't personally have chosen once baby is safely here. You don't even need to look at it all until then.

and good luck to you - I've got everything crossed that it all goes smoothly for you.

[Givinguph0pe]

The other GP I saw when I tried a second time was much better. She actually rang me to apologise when they bounced me back and said she did not agree with the decision and had risen it with the partners at the surgery but I haven't heard anything since.

The specialist midwife said she would refer me as did the consultant but as I said I've heard nothing. That said, the hospital I was supposed to deliver at is closing its maternity unit so all services are being disbanded. I will have to deliver somewhere I'm unfamiliar with.