To want to protect my DD from this bullying but not know how?

[TwentyOneGuns]

DD is 13 and I keep my eye on her texts and social media accounts to make sure she's not sending or receiving anything she shouldn't - not up for a debate on that really, I feel it's appropriate at her age. She's aware I've got her passwords etc but wouldn't be delighted about the idea of me looking I don't think.

I've discovered some quite unpleasant messages from a boy she used to be friendly with, picking on her about a certain aspect of her appearance and moving on to 'nobody likes you' type of nastiness. I really don't like the tone of the messages or the fact that it's been done in such an underhand way i.e. by direct message instead of openly or face to face.

I'm not about to go in all guns blazing and get the boy into trouble although I know I could speak to either the school or his parents if I wanted but I think that would mortify DD. I really just want to support her and maybe suggest some ways to deal with such nasty behaviour (or take it further if she wants me to) but how can I when she's chosen not to tell me?

I really don't want to let her know I looked at her account as I'm worried it'll make her delete other things in the future to stop me finding out. All the advice says to keep an eye on your child's online activity at this age but I don't know what you're supposed to do when you do actually find something out!

Should I just butt out and accept that this is the way the nasty kids do their dirty work these days or should I try and find a way to raise it with DD and risk her never telling me anything again?

[TwentyOneGuns]

It wasn't meant to be a half-arsed arrangement but I can see how it looks like one! Thing is, teens don't see the need to be looked out for do they? But rightly or wrongly I do feel the need to check up now and again at the moment - clearly I'm not going to be doing this when she's 18!

I will definitely have a look at that website mentioned as I really feel I don't know what's sensible or reasonable any more.

[BertrandRussell]

"I just wish she felt able to confide in me though sad"

Are you sure she just didn't feel the need to? If she sorted it to her own satisfaction?

[SuburbanRhonda]

OP, you say this:

She's aware I've got her passwords etc but wouldn't be delighted about the idea of me looking I don't think.

So it's a half-arsed arrangement whereby you think you've got permission to look at her online activity and she thinks you haven't. So what you need to do is tell her that as you have her passwords you will be periodically checking her online activity for her own safety. If she isn't happy with that you will close the accounts.

Have a look at the Thinkuknow website together so she can see how she can keep herself safe online.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Lots of teenager are.
Mine certainly is.
I get TMI sometimes and have to tell her I'm her mother and don't need all the details.
Mine DD didn't get much bullying but there was bit going on and I invited (told them in no uncertain terms) the bullies round and had it out with them.
She is an only child, I'm a single parent and I am an over protective mum - YES!
They thought I was cool. DD and bullies were fine after that.
It's not always going to work out but luckily for me it did.

Talk to her - get her on side - you might be surprised what she will confide when she knows you have her back.

[TwentyOneGuns]

I think I have to trust her on this one as she seems to have handled it OK so I'm not going to say anything but have screenshotted the messages and will keep an eye on her account.

I just wish she felt able to confide in me though :( She probably thinks I would go off the deep end and embarrass her but I honestly wouldn't. Things would be so much easier if she was open with me but what teenager is?

[BabyGanoush]

I think at this age kids need to start learning to deal with this sort of thing themselves.

If she wanted you to step in, she would have told you about it.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

Difficult. But firstly be proud of her, you raised her well, be glad hes not at her school, makes it easier.
I have screen shot posts in the past, and posted them through a parents door, these messages get past on you know!! That worked.
Talk to her, let her know your on her side, she sounds sensible and wont jump on the spying, its only spying if shes doing something wrong, which she isnt.

[Shockers]

DS was the victim of a 'joke' that was shared around all of the high schools in our area. A friend's DD told me what was happening, and although it was a difficult initial conversation with DS, he was relieved that we knew.

We met with his head of year, who brought the police into school to speak to the friends who had started the 'joke'. In their defence, it was supposed to be something that was shared between their friendship group, but had got very out of hand. They were frightened by the speed in which this had happened.

DS gave my friend's DD a great big hug and thanked her for being a good mate.

Try asking her how she feels OP; she might be relieved.

[Enjolrass]

If she handled it and knows you monitor her phone.

Can you not bring that up. That you saw it and was happy with the way she handled it. And ask her what she plans to do if he continues and discuss her options, if happens again.

[Enjolrass]

Haven't actually said this yet, but I do think it's important.

My dd is happy I monitor her phone. It does make her feel more protected.

[Awoof]

I think if she handled it well then you should step off and be proud of her. I would keep an eye on the messages though, and probably block him.

[Mistigri]

OP, you're not the bad guy. This is genuinely difficult for parents.

I don't have access to my 14 year old's social media because I took the decision that ultimately the loss of trust due to "spying" was not worth it. As it is, I do think she would confide in me if necessary.

But my DD is fairly mature and savvy for her age, not all teenagers find this so easy.

I think part of the issue here is that you are scared of confronting her. If she knows that you can and do look, then trust is not going to be damaged by her knowing that you know. She will be angry for sure but that doesn't necessarily lead to loss of trust as long as you are consistently honest with her.

[ShortcutButton]

She should delete/block him

[Enjolrass]

OP if she knows you are checking her phone, tell her know that something is going on. She will probably be relieved to know you aren't going to remove the phone because one boy is a knobber.

She will probably be relieved to tell someone who can handle it for her or at least help her handle it.

I know dd was when she was bullied.

[Theydontknowweknowtheyknow]

OP, I think you should be upfront and tell her. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you having access to her phone and you should make it clear to her that you will know her password in future too.

She may well be relieved that you know and value your advice. The boy sounds manipulative and as if he is angry at her for not fancying him tbh.

[Enjolrass]

Actually Sarah, imo I think that's the wrong attitude.

I say this as the mother of a child who was so badly bullied the police got involved and charges the 11 year old responsible. Yes it was that bad.

Telling dd to avoid him is not ok.

[ShortcutButton]

I openly spy on did. I have her passwords and check her phone every now and then. She knows I do. So this would be an easy conversation in our house

You are going to have to tell her you looked I think

Ask your dad how she wants you to deal with it? She might feel stronger just knowing you know/have her back

[TwentyOneGuns]

I need to clarify here, I'm not snooping behind my DD's back. She knows I have her passwords and that I check her accounts from time to time. Whether that's a good idea or not is a matter of opinion (although it's absolutely recommended at this age) but I'm not doing anything underhand. It's not something I'll continue when she's older but at this age I feel it's sensible.

The reason I am unsure about speaking to her is became I know she won't like the fact that I've seen this - she's aware that I can and do look but I don't think she likes the idea or thinks it's necessary. I can see that by insisting on this I risk her hiding things from me but I just don't feel comfortable leaving her to it with a bunch of strangers on the Internet at this age.

It's so difficult, I am not trying to interfere in her life, just keep a look out for her and be there to help if she needs me, why do I come out looking like the bad guy?

[SarahSavesTheDay]

"I often tell my students that if they don't want to get bullied online then don't go online... They always look at me like I have told them to kill a kitten! It doesn't make it right, but if the bully has no one to send messages to, they can't bully."

Really? You're advocating victim blaming as a method of dealing with bullies? Are you aware of the vast resources available? Surely you've encountered enough training to give young people good advice about bullying in an environment they must (realistically) engage with for the rest of their lives?

I am very sad to read your response.

I don't think this is remotely sad. It's not victim-blaming, it's just a strategic rather than tactical suggestion.

[WhatamessIgotinto]

I had a similar issue with DS. I knew something was going on so told him that my phone wasn't working and I would like to use his. He gave it willingly as I think he was relieved for me to find out what was going on. We talked it through and I told him I was going to talk to the school and make sure they knew that i had discovered the messages myself (not that it should make a difference but at that age it doe). I also printed out everything. School spoke to child and informed him that DS had not 'grassed him up' and I had found the messages myself. Child dealt with, parents involved (who were great) and nothing since. You might find that your DD wants you to know whats going on.

[greenfolder]

If your girl has dealt with it well, I would leave it tbh. My view of social media is that it is the same inane nonsense that teens have thrown at each other since time began but now it is written down for parents to chew over. I absolutely do not mean that sometimes it can be terrible just like real life bullying can be, that's a different thing. But as the mother of 3 daughters I have learnt that a lot of stuff is here today and gone tomorrow. The critical thing is to have a system where your daughter can tell you if something has upset her.

[StrawberryTeaLeaf]

DD is 13 and I keep my eye on her texts and social media accounts to make sure she's not sending or receiving anything she shouldn't - not up for a debate on that really

It's the genesis of your current problem.

You've spied on someone who is moving towards adulthood and should have a reasonable expectation of increasing privacy.

If you really believed that this was a reasonable strategy of responsible parenting why have you not been open with your DD about the fact that you are monitoring communications that she considers private?

It is now impossible for you to act without revealing what you've done and showing your DD that she can't trust you.

You are rather snookered. Just be grateful that it is 'only' low level bullying that your snooping has uncovered and not something much, much worse.

[Sighing]

strawberryandaflake

"I often tell my students that if they don't want to get bullied online then don't go online... They always look at me like I have told them to kill a kitten! It doesn't make it right, but if the bully has no one to send messages to, they can't bully."

Really? You're advocating victim blaming as a method of dealing with bullies? Are you aware of the vast resources available? Surely you've encountered enough training to give young people good advice about bullying in an environment they must (realistically) engage with for the rest of their lives?

I am very sad to read your response.

[Baconyum]

"I really don't see it as spying on her, just being a responsible parent - surely the fact that I've found out something is going on supports that?"

Not really because if you were honest with here you'd be able to discuss it with her. Now you're in a position of knowing and being very limited in what you can do without her knowing. It's also an abuse of her trust.

My dd is almost 15 and had a similar situation last year. I pay for her phone therefore its mine and I get to see what's on it and confiscate if necessary.

As a result of my dd knowing I can see what's going on she talked to me about it, initially we discussed strategies. That worked with one bully the other though escalated to the point of physical threats (Inc in person) at which point I told her mother to get her dd to pack it in of police would be getting involved. Stopped then!

Dd isn't allowed any accounts I don't have access to. I'm pretty good on tech and have friends that are very good and she'd have to go great lengths to have an account I don't know about!

Honesty and trusts work both ways. If she can't trust you (not to spy on her and sorry but that is what you're doing), then why should she behave honestly?