To not want to leave my 13 year old DD home alone with a boy I've never met

[TwentyOneGuns]

Clearly she thinks IABU but it just doesn't seem like a great idea to me. They have the day off school, she'd like her BF to come over, so as a compromise I suggested that I'd see if I could work from home - not to watch over them every minute - I'd be holed away in my office, you know, actually working - but just as an adult presence. But that idea got this face from DD.

I'm not trying to embarrass her or imply that I don't trust her but I'd be unsure about a female friend I didn't know spending the day here with no adults around so one of the opposite sex is bound to make me think twice. Surely that's not unreasonable at 13 is it?

[TwentyOneGuns]

Just came back to the thread to find all these replies, thanks everyone!

I do always seem to be one of the strictest among the parents of people DD knows so at times I question whether I'm being over the top but in this case I don't think I am and I'm glad so many of you agree.

With regard to leaving DD in general, we are happy for her to stay here by herself the odd day which she did over the summer holidays - I wouldn't leave her all day every day yet but now and then I think it's fine and she likes it. It's true that she could be getting up to all sorts and having people over and I wouldn't know but I've chosen to trust her unless she gives me reason not to. Also we live in a small village with rubbish public transport so unless kids live here (and I've known most of them since nursery age) it's pretty unlikely that anyone else will be around unless specifically invited/dropped off.

I have left her once or twice with a female friend, only those I know well/trust and always checking first that their Mums are OK with it. I do think it's different with a boy though, especially one who she has only been friendly with for a short time and I don't know at all. Ideally I would speak to his Mum - just drop her a friendly text - but I worry it comes across as too formal/pushy/over the top.

I'm lucky that my boss is pretty flexible because I don't want to use up all my holiday on DD's social life, fingers crossed she agrees to me working from home that day:).

[scarlets]

I don't understand why she's aggrieved. It's not as though you'll be sitting between them on the sofa or suggesting a singsong around the piano - you'll be holed up in another room with your laptop.

I don't see anything wrong with leaving a sensible 13 year old alone for a day whereby you nip home for lunch . However, unsupervised with a boyfriend is different.

[whois]

If they actually just want to hang out and play videogames or whatever, they won't mind that you are at home.

Exactly.

Whilst at 13 I was hardly even kissing boys, some people I know were having full on sexual relationships. No harm in working form home :-)

[VestalVirgin]

Yes girls can get pregnant but boys can get prosecuted and end up on the sex offenders register.

That's the only reason you don't want your son to rape a girl?

@OP: I say, stay at home.

As someone who happily used her "mean parents" as an excuse to get rid of an unwanted male ... your daughter will thank you for it when she's older.

If they actually just want to hang out and play videogames or whatever, they won't mind that you are at home.

[AddictedtoGreys]

Yanbu!

[yorkshapudding]

YANBU. 13 is far to young to be left to their own devices in an empty house. Working from home is a great idea. I would stick to that plan, you don't need you compromise.

[Footle]

BertrandRussell, in the context of the discussion I said "get to know other parents " in the sense of "get their phone number and make yourself known to them to the extent that in an emergency you'd feel reasonably comfortable about contacting them". Hth.

[DolorestheNewt]

Late to the party, but his mum's possibly fine about it because it's not at her house? Either way, I'm with you, OP.

[Mistigri]

I don't think the fact that it's a boyfriend is relevant tbh. My son is nearly 13, his best friend is 13, and while I'm happy to leave them alone in the house for periods of time, I wouldn't do it all day long. It's not even that I don't trust them (they are both sensible), it's that having someone else's 13 year old in the house implies that you are taking some responsibility for them and you can't do that if you are not there.

[Potatoface2]

some 13 years olds are mature for their age and some are still childlike....without knowing your daughter its difficult to say whether you are being unreasonable or not...but at 13 my daughter was quite grown up so i did start to leave her for periods of time...you have to start trusting them and treating them like mini adults at some stage.....i think the coming home at lunchtime might be a good compromise, but have a mum to daughter chat beforehand about boundaries/boys/trust etc

[EverythingsShinyCaptnNotToFret]

Crumbs. I was so innocent compared to you lot at thirteen. My boyfriend and I used to spend the whole day at my stables with our horses, hacking out on our own across the countryside. We wouldn't see a sole all day. We used to leave the house with a pack up before the parents were awake and return for tea in the evening. Nobody ever wondered what we were up to and it wouldn't have occurred to either of us to do any more than kiss.

[rogueantimatter]

I wouldn't leave a 13YO at home all day unless something came up at the last minute. Especially with another 13YO. But then I'm mostly thinking of my own DS at that age who's been known to go out leaving the door wide open, iron on, ring of a cooker on.....

A whole day is far too long IMO.

[KeepOnMoving1]

Yanbu, you are the parent she's the child. She can make all the funny faces she wants but she needs to learn that you are still the parent responsible for her. What does she want to do alone there anyway?
If it's just 'hanging out' and innocent there shouldn't be a problem with you working from home.

[BertrandRussell]

Ah right. I didn't realise " get to know" meant "have the telephone number of"

[citybushisland]

I think you're right, and not because the friend is a boy. Middle daughter wanted a friend to sleep over tonight, DH and I have a night out planned for tonight so I said no, because I've only met the friend once very briefly and have no idea what kind of influence she'd be on my easily led normally easy going well behaved 13 yr old dd. I've got a sensible 16 yr old dd too, but don't feel it's fair to put additional responsibility on her when I'm out as she's already babysitting our 6 yr old dd. So YANBU just sensible.

[chillycurtains]

No, YANBU. You are being very sensible and also quite kind to change your day around at accomodate her. You're being an awesome mum.

[Anotherusername1]

I would definitely work from home (which isn't taking a day off by the way, I work from home most of the time). I wouldn't leave my 13 year old son with a friend of either sex all day - they can do all sorts of stupid things, it doesn't have to be sexual experimenting, as someone above said about getting drunk, calling sex lines etc. My husband and I are planning a night out at a pub 5 minutes' walk away in a few weeks time and I'm still not leaving him on his own, I'm asking a friend's very sensible 15 year old to come round to keep him company (and paying him as a babysitter on the quiet).

Why don't parents of boys care? They should care. Yes girls can get pregnant but boys can get prosecuted and end up on the sex offenders register. And then when they're 40, have kids of their own and want to help with a football team or scout camp, they won't be able to. I'll be keeping a very close eye on my son!

[Footle]

She may have asked you just because she doesn't want to be put under pressure.

[abbsismyhero]

i never let my daughter have any of her male friends over if im not home i allow her to go to town with them as a group but he doesn't live local and his disabled mom is housebound so im sort of safe plus i tend to join them unexpectedly with her younger brothers this is the same boyfriend who claims he is gay but clearly fancies the arse of my daughter seriously how stupid do kids think you are

[HMF1]

Hi I had this situation in reverse when DS 3 went to visit his GF for the day earlier this year. They aren't at school together they go to an activity at the weekend. I insisted in contacting her mum, to his huge embarrassment to find out who was going to be there, but I felt reassured when her mum said she would be there all day ( they were 13 at the time) trust your instincts on this.

[upthegardenpath]

You are NBU at all.
Adult presence "in the background" will certainly put paid to any stuff that shouldn't be going on and if they never intended to do any of that anyway, then they've nothing to get stroppy about.
Sorted.
Oh I can't wait until my 7 y.o. gets to this age....

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

YANBU. Stick to your guns.

[wickedwaterwitch]

(Btw I know plenty of parents from secondary school too)