to not know how to deal with my husband making more bigoted and small minded comments as he gets older

[Translator1000]

He honestly often sounds like a cross between Alf Garnett and Victor Meldrew .

The clangers last night were:

the "Europeans" are clogging up the NHS sitting there waiting for treatment when they aren't ill

and

he is glad that our daughter is not at an orthodoncy practice in a particular area of London (I chose the other one offered to us as it is more convenient to get to) as he does not want [insert people of a particular faith] to be fiddling with her mouth

Other favourites are

• he had to work several jobs to get a house so people should do it now if they want to get on the housing ladder
  
  

• the people running the anti knock our library down (to build expensive flats - a new library has been built but the land does not belong to the council, we lost a bookshop and a car park as well as a little public square) campaigns are "fish wives" who spout things that are not true
  

• it is not true that places like Germany have more asylum seekers than the UK because they come here for the benefits
  

and so on .

I counter and argue with every single one of his clangers and tell him he is prejuiced etc.. (incidentally he himself is part of an immigrant family and he came to England as a child).

I sometimes get a bit worried he might be developing dementia as he does seem to forget a lot (or maybe he doesn't listen in the first place) and they say that people with dementia become more and more tactless .

He does have a warm and kind side. He seems bitter. I wish he didn't say bigoted and small minded things .

[Namechangenell]

He sounds exactly like my step dad. I've just given up.

[Justaboy]

The best known bigot passed away today:-(

Rest in peace Alf!


www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-34820371

[Floisme]

I do sympathise op and not recognising places does sound more alarming. Even so, whenever I forget something, I feel frustrated, embarrassed and flustered and that often makes things even worse. It may be something sinister but equally it may not be. Have the two of you talked about it because I can guarantee, he'll be even more anxious than you are? Incidentally I doubt whether you can talk about him to your GP unless he's with you so you need him on board.

I still think some posters are seeing the age and not the person. Victor Meldrew wasn't just angry because he was getting older. He was angry because he'd forcibly retired and was flailing around in a world that had sidelined him. Factor in your husband's declining health and that he's had a hard life and he may well be wondering why the hell he bothered.

That said, (and assuming no mental health issues) he doesn't have to behave like he does and you don't have to put up with it. I can assure you that age doesn't always make you more conservative. I would have no qualms about telling him you're not sure whether you want to live with someone whose views you find repellant.

[Mundelfall]

I would be very clear with him that you don't appreciate his opinion on xyz and it would save time arguing if he can keep his thoughts to himself.

Sorry OP but when I read your first point my first thought was also dementia . Try to get some advice It won't change his opinions but at least you will understand better why he has changed like this.

[MildVirago]

It hits men harder I think because women experience marginalisation from day one. Also for many of the women I know have had a new lease on life following hysterectomies - while their husbands' health is declining they feel better than they have done in years. That of course is a side effect of women being expected to put up with the low level ill health and misery that the medical profession considers 'normal' for women.

Well put, Cailindana. I think that is true. And a sobering thought.

[cailindana]

I think the OP is probably aware of that Elvis. Her question was about how she deals with the fact that his views are changing and becoming more hateful and bitter. It's hard to see someone become unlikeable, especially when it's someone you love.

[ElvisPelvisPenis]

Erm, as an adult he's totally entitled to his own opinions and perspectives even if they are different from yours.

[cailindana]

I want to emphasise that what I've observed is among people I know and isn't necessarily the case for everyone.

The people who get more bigoted IME are the ones who were already quite insecure throughout their younger years but never had to confront it. Loss of health, ability and status hits them very hard and they find it difficult to adjust to being older and not quite so Big and Important any more. It hits men harder I think because women experience marginalisation from day one. Also for many of the women I know have had a new lease on life following hysterectomies - while their husbands' health is declining they feel better than they have done in years. That of course is a side effect of women being expected to put up with the low level ill health and misery that the medical profession considers 'normal' for women.

[DadOnIce]

Testosterone levels decline as men age, and one of the symptoms of this can be increased grumpiness and intolerance.

It can also be just a general "Victor Meldrew" sense that life is passing them by and that the world is changing. Ageism doesn't help - for many men it is the first "ism" encountered in life and can be a shock, making them feel marginalised.

[Scremersford]

But short of exercising thoughspeak over him, what can you do about it? I mean calling people "fishwives" isn't exactly radical speech, is it?

Is it also possible that you have become more left wing/liberal/concscientious or even just take things too seriously? A lot of mumsnet is very goody goody, but it all tends to be about what people said and taking great outrage over it, but what people do and the life they lead is also just as important. Presumably your DH has led a good life?

I realise this might be controversial but just putting it out there.

[Nataleejah]

I bet your OH doesn't mind European booze

[AIN]

If you ask him what year it is and the month, does he know the answer fairly quickly? A relative of mine had dementia and I was very surprised when they couldn't answer this question as they seemed to have it so mildly.

[Ludoole]

My dad was officially diagnosed with both alzheimers and vascular dementia at 58 (we had suspected it for 4-5 years before). If you have concerns get him checked out.

[Lostcat2]

That's nice to hear mild and you are right it's very lazy and wrong to generalise.

[MildVirago]

OP, that is concerning. Do encourage him to have this checked out.

Just to support the POV of those complaining of stereotypes of 'age-related conservatism/bigotry', I'd just like to point to my own frequently maddening parents, who are in Ireland and in their seventies, as examples of how this tendency is not inevitable.

They grew up in a devoutly Catholic, pretty much entirely white country with near-zero immigration, where contraception, divorce and homosexuality were illegal (divorce was legalised in 1997, homosexuality decriminalised in 1993, for context) - and they are far more open-minded as older people than they were twenty or thirty years ago. They are very fond of my gay friends and their children, voted for gay marriage in the referendum, have had their eyes opened to the rest of the world by immigration, and my mother has been several times to an Iftar during Ramadan with a Pakistani man she used to work with. They're not shining beacons of liberalism, just ordinary people whose eyes have been opened by their society changing around them.

[caitlinohara]

I agree with cailin as well, although I think that anyone who is disappointed with how their life has turned out has the potential to become bitter, look around and start blaming others. That said, if my dh made comments like some of these, I would be appalled.

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

Read an interesting report this week about how a change in sense of humour can be an early indicator of dementia.

www.mrc.ac.uk/news/browse/changes-in-humour-an-early-sign-of-dementia/

Any personality change should be reported to GP. "bit of a twat" is, happily, a common diagnosis.

[Boomingmarvellous]

My ex was like this and all I can say is it's not necessarily an age thing. His father was bigoted and apparently his views got more extreme as he got older.

Personally divorcing saved my sanity as the toxic atmosphere was unbearable in the end.

Give him an ultimatum. Keep his views to himself or it ends. You have a right to live in peace. It might work for a while.

[MyLifeisaboxofwormgears]

I think calindana makes a good point - especially tough for men who pride themselves on being the provider and superfit go-to problem solver to come to terms with aging.
I see it in my brother - you'd think the entire tax system had been set up to penalise him alone. He too is getting bitter.

That said, a trip to the GP for dementia or some other neurological condition sounds in order if he can't remember the street he's on.

[Lostcat2]

Oh and their neighbours are 'Indians' (born here and never been to India) but they like them because they 'arnt like the rest of them'

[Lostcat2]

My parents are like this but in their 80s. Both are loudly racist homophobic and still can't understand why married womem work! they think Farrage is a God.

They brought up me and my sister to be tolerant accepting and kind and were big socialists.

Baffling.

[srslylikeomg]

I do so agree cailindana that has been my observation and experience.

[insan1tyscartching]

Dh is 56 and spouts rubbish in a similar vein. I either tell him to stop being a twat or advise him to see his GP as I'm worried he's developing Alzheimers. Either approach shuts him up at the time but don't stop him repeating them later.

[ohtheholidays]

OP I would go and speak to your familys Doctor and sooner rather than later.

Younger people are sadly being diagnosed with dementia more often now than any time before.

I suffered a very rare form of brain damage several years ago and at the time I was over 40 years younger than any one else that had been diagnosed with the condition.Sadly since then there has been a quick rise in other younger people that have been found to have the same condition.Some of them were only they're 20's and I was in my 30's when it happened to me.

Mine was caused by ongoing long term health problems and past traumatic experiences that had happened to me.My consultants have told us how lucky I've been to have lived through it.

I obviously don't want to scare you but I know from experience it's better to be safe than sorry when it comes to anything to do with the brain.

[Justaboy]

Sod all that! I'm 64 and doing more, working more, more interesting things are going on don't read the mail sun mirror the comic that's known as the express, don't believe all i hear on the wireless either;!.

I'm supposed to retire next year but sod that! too much happening and going on with the job thanks. As to the younger ones, sure I get them to do stuff that's a bit easier for them to do but they need educating and telling what to do.

As to the OP, yep know of a few Alf Garnett's too;!

Only regret I've got at the moment is having to give up rock climbing after a fall that almost killed me, so perhaps living on borrowed time changes your outlook!