to expect a congratulations for giving birth

[stickytoffeeface]

My dh sister lives a a fair few miles from us and her family. She got married a couple of years ago but apart from dh, none of her other siblings nor her parents were there as she doesn't speak with them.

For this reason, I understand why she has not travelled up here to see our baby. It is a long drive and we don't have a spare room for them to stay in. However, we received no card on the birth of dd a few months ago and not even a congratulations on facebook (dh texts and her sometimes but I do not have her number). Now, I don't live my life on facebook but was so amazed by the fantastic little life I'd created I wanted everyone to see! So posted a photo of dd when she was a few days old. But I had no message to say congratulations, even though she does sometimes put up holiday pictures etc and annoyingly, I've noticed, occassionally remarks on photos of children she knows. So she has the means of communicating with me if she wants to.

Aibu to just expect something from her? I haven't mentioned it to my dh as I don't want him to know its upset me, although I probably should, not to stir anything up but I just wonder what I've done for this great, happy news to be ignored?

[Bloomsberry]

Congratulations, OP, but yabu. You don't have a relationship with this woman, or only in the most tenuous way, so it seems odd to expect a card or greetings when you have a child. You having a child doesn't fundamentally alter what sounds like a very awkward family dynamic, and she presumably sees you as a distant figure who just doesn't really figure for her. Someone who has -for whatever reason -gone nc with most of her family, isn't going to suddenly get all familial because of a birth.

If you would like that to change, by all means make overtures, but in her shoes I'd find it pretty odd to have my sil insist she had to be clear on whether or not she was ever going to visit or exchange cards... Can't you just say you'd love to see her at some point and make it clear you feel warmly towards her (if you do) and leave it at that?

[c4kedout]

Yabu. what a childish post your. why is it so important for you? you are not even close. lots of things may be going on in her life you know nothing about. just enjoy your baby.

[HackerFucker22]

I wouldn't let it bother you too much. My DP fell out with his oldest sibling 18 months ago (the whole family are pretty much NC with this sibling now but for different reasons) and despite living locally sibling has seen DC2 only twice. Once when we bumped into each other on the street and once when I was visiting a friend who lives in the same apartment block.

It's their loss and I honestly don't let it get to me day to day. I was a little bit miffed that sibling didn't even know DC2 name but I think that was more down to them being pa.

[LosingTheWillToSkate]

Do you know for sure that she hasn't sent congratulations to your DH by text?

It wouldn't occur to me to congratulate somebody on Facebook, and I use it a lot, because I find it all to be a bit false.

[StubbleTurnips]

Is she a awful with cards and birthdays? That doesn't excuse rudeness but may go someway. Before children I was terrible with cards for any event, even a new child. It's something I resolved to improve at.

My SIL is pregnant at the moment, we have zero relationship - I expect DH to do the cards / congrats when the baby comes as its his side of the family.

I do think YABalittleU - enjoy your DD

[MidniteScribbler]

You say that she is welcome to visit you, but you are hardly making an effort to visit her or have any part in her life either. You haven't gone out of your way to be in contact with her, do you ever comment on her holiday photos and things which are important to her? It all seems to be that she is expected to be the one coming to you, rather than you making any effort either. She is obviously in contact with your husband and they make an effort to be in contact with each other. Frienship is a two way street.

I'd love to hear the side of the story from her point of view.

[aurynne]

"She has not children but dh has said in the past how she absolutly does not want any but we've both seen how she's fussed over babies a number of years ago."

This does not mean anything at all, OP. Not wanting your own children does not mean you are supposed to hate or ignore every child you see. I have never wanted to have children, but I quite like other people's kids and do fuss over babies (I am actually a midwife!).

Having said that, I would not even think of congratulating someone over the birth of their child if I didn't have any relationship with them. She may just not be good with dates, or not a "card" person. Or she may not be that bothered about someone who is not bothered with her. Ask yourself honestly, would a "congratulations" from her have made any difference at all apart from giving you an ego-boost? it certainly does not make an iota of a difference for your baby!

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Interesting to see that "not being interested" negates the need to deploy the most basic of social courtesies.

Imagine if everyone took the attitude that if they're not interested then that's that.

[Wishful80smontage]

Honestly I'm about some of these answers!
FB aside your sil did not congratulate you or dh on the birth of your dc or send a card- that's completely rude. She's a grown up she could surely send a quick text asking about her new niece/nephew- so no in my opinion yanbu OP.

[Senpai]

YANBU.

But, her loss. Your baby is awesome, and you know that. It's too bad she can't be bothered to say hello to the newest family member.

I have cousins I barely talk to and I still manage to say congrats on facebook. Ironically, I'm closer to their wives than them. Sisterhood of mothers and all.

[PatrickJaneIsRedJohn]

I'm sorry but you sound seriously needy.

You had a baby. Amazing for you, but really not that exciting for everyone else. She's just not that interested. She doesn't have to be.

[maryann1975]

DH isn't close to his brother and when we had dd2 he didn't acknowledge she had been born at all. Christmas came and he sent a present for dd1 and ds, but never even wrote dd2 name in the Christmas card. I was so hurt. He knew she had been born (he had met her), it just wasn't important to him to remember we had a third child. We rarely see them now as weve realised how self absorbed they are, it just isn't a relationship we wanted to invest to much into, so we leave them to it.

[stickytoffeeface]

Hi! I perhaps worded the thread a bit clumsily but I did start typing around four am! All the comments have been helpful - iabu so I should do something about it! I'm going to discuss how I feel with dh and make it clear that she can visit cintact us/me as much as she wants to if she wants to and if not then I'd just like to be clear. She does live at the seaside so maybe when baby is older we can drive the distance to see them.

[myotherusernameisbetter]

Do you maybe have FB friends that are part of the family that she doesn't speak to and therefore didn't want to add anything as then they might contact her or look at her profile etc.?

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

I think it was any kind of acknowledgement JaneAusten, but hopefully OP is now busy enjoying her new baby too much to care!

[JaneAustinAllegro]

I find it interesting that you call it a "congratulations for giving birth". Has she actually sent a card for the baby but not congratulated you personally? If she's completely ignored the baby and not said anything to her own brother, she's ill mannered in the extreme.
If she's said / sent something for the baby but failed to congratulate your biological functions, less so. I certainly never got / expected/ wanted that from my SIL who lives a way away.

[Unreasonablebetty]

It's completely understandable to feel the way that you are at the moment... Does she live in an area that could hold any other interest? For example somewhere you'd like to visit? Maybe you can plan a trip, and say "we're going to be in the area, we would love to see you for dinner/coffee" and if she's open to that, then maybe see how you could build on the relationship. Chances are if you live close to other relatives that she doesn't like then she won't feel too comfortable coming to your area. I wish you luck, there's every chance that this is just as painful for her as it is for you.

[IrianofWay]

Congratulations Enjoy your new baby x

However I will confess to being a very unreliable FB user - I opened my account mainly because it was the only reliable way to contact my running club -and rarely post or like anything. It may be that she just hasn't seen it. Pehaps she has spoken to your DH.

[stickytoffeeface]

She has not children but dh has said in the past how she absolutly does not want any but we've both seen how she's fussed over babies a number of years ago. I think it's going to be tricky to balance explaining how she is welcome to visit, send cards, messages, anything she wants to but if she doesn't want to I'd just like to know so I'm not wondering. I did hope she's be more of a part of our child's life as I always wanted a bigger family growing up. I had no aunties or uncles and then becoming part of dh's family with so many relatives felt so nice!

[stickytoffeeface]

Please don't mark me out as one of those annoying facebook people! I don't add updates or endless pictures of my yoga-shoe-kale or anything and have so few people on it, I don't have to keep track! My family is so small, relatives not talking to each other doesn't happen, I always assumed family arguments like that only happened on Jeremy Kyle. Thinking about what a pp has said, I'd hate for her to think that she isn't welcome but don't think there's any way I could message her without sounding accusatory so I should ask my dh. But not let on how much its bothered me, especially as I can't exactly explain why!

[Unreasonablebetty]

I would too be miffed, but this really could be with having the issues within the family that you have explained.
She might feel as if she has no rights to a relationship with your husband, you and baby because of this.
When you have nothing to do with many of your family members it often seems difficult to see how you can fit into other family members lives.
You also happen to become less a part of things the further away you live.
Is this bothering you that she doesn't seem bothered or that you want her to be around in your child's life?if it's the latter then maybe you can say,.. It would be lovely for you to meet the baby, how about we get together? We could come and see you?
Another thing I've just thought, does she have children of her own? How have you reacted to her children's birthdays, big things and births? Maybe she feels you haven't acted in a way she expected and therefore doesn't want to make the effort?

It's also possible she is struggling with fertility issues herself. One of my friends has an 18 month old, and she fell pregnant about six months after finding out that me and my husband would probably never conceive our own baby, and whilst I was happy for her, it was so very hard to put my own feelings of sadness aside that I had been trying to conceive, and been through loads of tests, and treatments and she fell pregnant in the first month of trying.

[luckiestgirlintheworld]

How (and why) did you keep tabs on who sent a card or Facebook message? Maybe it's just me because I have a big family, but I would have no idea who didn't send messages or cards after I'd just had a baby. I think you're overthinking this.

[Havalina1]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. But perhaps she did congratulate your husband so she feels it's done ... but in all honesty I think she should have taken the chance on FB to say something to you.

My DPs mother didn't congratulate me after having a baby just under 4 weeks ago! She never phoned when I went 2 weeks overdue, nothing. I'm sure she congratulated him, but he didn't HAVE the baby, I did. I too am miffed at her behaviour. I'll not be forgetting it in a hurry - she is clearly in a snot and this is how she's exhibiting it.

As for your SIL, are you friendly with each other? Has she children?

[Tutt]

Could be she feels so apart from the family and maybe hurt that she is now univested in any of you?
I can only go by my experience which is of the sister.
My DB had a baby in May and I think I was one of the last to know a) he was having a baby b) when the child was born.
I was excluded from all of it... My only 'crime' was that he is my half-brother and his wife doesn't except me as his only sibling! She has also caused my family to break and I've been pushed out.
Maybe your SIL feels the same, maybe she feels excluded and maybe the back story is massively to do with why she hasn't contacted you.
I know I desperatly want to see my DN but feel so unwelcome I haven't bothered.

Congratulations on your little one.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Clutching at straws here but could it be jealousy. Is she perhaps going through fertility problems that you don't know about.