Another AIBU about my OH Mum.

[Eveysdad]

So, recently I posted about issues with my mum guilt tripping etc. This post is about a situation with my Ohs mum.

Situation: 2.5 years ago our DD was born. Everyone came to see her in a typical gathering. There was my Mum, Step dad, OHs mum, brother and OH and my OHs sister. We're all sat in our living room, cooing over new baby. Nice time, everyone leaves.

2 days later we get a knock at our front door. A young girl from social services. Basically they'd received a report of a child in danger at this address. A witness claimed to have seen me holding my daughters nose closed, stopping her breathing. Something I absolutely and categorically denied, what an abhorrent accusation.

The girl from social interviewed us for an hour, had me show her how i feed LO, how o burp LO, how i change LO etc etc. Once she was satisfied my daughter was okay and in no danger she left. Oddly my OH knew straight away it was her mum that had called them. Just in case i had my GF call everyone that was there that day and ask if they had seen anything worrying about how I was handling my LO, no one had anything but praise for my gentleness, care, feeding technique, burping, changing etc. Eventually my OH called her mum, it turns out my ohs mum had rung "someone" for advice because she didn't like how I was handling my little girl and that she "didn't realise" she'd been speaking to social services.

Luckily we got our HV involved immediately who visited, went through everything with us, made sure I knew how to hold, feed, burp etc and she visited us a few times after that to check on me and she even spoke to the social services etc. We eventually got a letter after almost 2 months of worry, stress etc saying no further action.

Needless to say we all fell out about it for a while, eventually my OH started speaking with her mum again, though she didn't and has not apologised. I haven't forgiven her though and she has never even attempted to apologise to me. He basically thinks she was in the right, she saw something no one else did and that she was absolutely correct in calling the social services and not having a quiet word with my OH a the time.

So AIBU to tell her to do one, want nothing to do with her, refuse to speak to her etc? (I'd never stop my LO or my OH seeing her though)
What would you do?

[belleandboo]

Karrissa Cox and Richard Carter for instance...

[belleandboo]

Terry You are right in some cases of course but the unreporting of child abuse does not make malicious rumours of child abuse any less awful. You may have had satisfied clients and things did work out well for this OP, but there are plenty of other parents up and down the country who have lost their children without good reason. No, it's not a good idea when you're a perfectly good parent to have a social worker in your home checking out your parenting. There is no guarantee that it will end as it should.

[Eveysdad]

Notsayingimbatman. MIL (tho she isn't in law lol) didn't say anything to my GF, My gf did cut her out of her life and didn't speak to her for a good while, but it is her mum at the end of the day.

If anything had happened my own mother was there, she would have kicked my arse. You could possibly say that maybe others didn't see it but seeing as the baby was centre of attention and there was 6 others in the room, besides my MIL, I would have thought someone would have seen something, no one did. Not that it really matters but out if those 6 people my mum has 3 kids, my step dad has 4 kids, my gf has 3 kids, so there were plenty of experienced parents in the room watching me and not one of them saw anything untoward.

[NotSayingImBatman]

Thank you MrsTP, that's exactly what I meant.

[jollygoose]

I could never ever forgive her and Im not usually one to bear a grudge but that is the most awful slur ever and I am really not sure that I could ever get over it.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

The sad fact is there are far more cases of unreported child abuse than there are false accusations. And what actually happened is that a very nice person came and checked things out and another very nice person supported the family.

We need to stop seeing SS as the evil bogeyman that only a vicious, mean, vindictive troll would call. Maybe the MIL did have concerns. Even if they were unfounded or malicious, nothing bad happened.

I think that work needs to be done by SS, by the media, by happy clients (and I had vast quantities of happy clients when I worked there) to say that they are a source of support. Because people don't call when they should. And children get hurt.

[stuckinahole]

YANBU! She's a vindictive fuck

No one realises the actual impact SS can have.

Ignore the fucker

[NotSayingImBatman]

Thumbwitch, how do you know she didn't speak to her daughter about it before she left? Hence the daughter's reluctance to cut her out.

I'm not saying the OP held his daughter's nose closed. Stories get exaggerated in the retelling, maybe he was just too rough. The sad fact is there are far more cases of unreported child abuse than there are false accusations.

[ijustwannadance]

I'd be wondering what she will be accusing you of in a few years time.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

"Hmm. I'm surprised that no one is considering the possibility that the MIL did see something untoward."

IF I or any sane person saw a parent, or anyone, holding a new baby's nose closed, or doing anything that would be likely to harm them, I'd be bringing it up right there and then, not fucking waiting until I got home and then phoning SS or NSPCC or whoever the fuck the MIL phoned!
If I didn't want to bring it up in front of the supposed perpetrator, I'd be taking the other parent aside before leaving the house and saying "Um, just to let you know I think I saw X do this, that's not safe", AGAIN, not waiting until I got home and phoning the authorities!

So I think it's fairly safe to assume that either the MIL is not a sane person, or that she's an interfering malicious bitch.

[Eveysdad]

Topaz, I have no idea what your message is about.... Thanks though. :)

Notsayingimbatman, the reason no one saw anything untoward is because nothing untoward happened, how sick do you think someone would have to be to hold a newborns nose closed?

Crumbled feta, I'm fairly sure OH mum isn't poisoning her, she only sees her 1 a month and rarely talk on the phone etc. These baseless accusations strained their relationship too. Not that their relationship was great, when my OH was 11 her mom kicked her out. He mum wanted her new man to move in but new man didn't like the fact she had a child. My OH ended up living with her dad and elder brother from 11 until adult hood.

Also worth noting, my OH has 2 other kids by another guy, ones 17, in those 17 not once has my OHs mum had them over night, babysat them for an evening or made an effort to walk tonus and see them. Weird right?

[NotSayingImBatman]

Hmm. I'm surprised that no one is considering the possibility that the MIL did see something untoward.

Maybe her daughter is remaining in touch because she has concerns of her own and requires the support of her mum? It seems a really, really peculiar thing to just make up, doesn't it?

[Topaz25]

Whatever her reasons for making such an awful, unfounded accusation, whether it was malice or as a pp has suggested, illness, the most worrying thing here is that your OH actually believes she was in the right and she saw something no one else did. Is he actually saying that he thinks you would hold your daughter's nose closed, restricting her breathing, as alleged? If so, why are you with him? As with most in-law problems, I think the biggest problem is your partner not being supportive and standing up for you.

[belleandboo]

If this happened to me, neither my DH nor I would dream of having any further contact with the person, grandparent or not. The stability of our family comes first. There is no place for poisonous, vicious rumours. There have been plenty of cases where children have been removed from parents and left in the care of grandparents - perhaps she hoped that would happen. Whatever, she's acted in a most unfamily-like way and clearly her perspective is utterly skewed.

This could easily happen again as she obviously didn't achieve her goal last time. I'm surprised your DP is willing to have a relationship with her again after that. A person who tries to come between a child and their parent in such an extreme way - without due cause and without even mentioning it to the parents first - is one of the most threatening, dangerous elements that could ever be in their lives. It's your responsibility to keep danger out, not court it. It's most unlikely that this incident will be the last of that type because your MIL is still the same person.

[OurBlanche]

Don't assume alzheimers's!

My GM absolutely hated my dad. OK, I am almost NC but for quite different reasons than her perceived reasons.

She was convinced he beat me as a new born, handled me roughly. Her evidence was finger marks down my back. Given she was told they were 'Mongolian spots' by the midwife she should have given up. But she used the fact that they went away as proof of his abuse... she didn't credit that they took years to go and that every photo she took of them was identical, over 5 years!!!

She was persistent... until she died (I was mid 30s) she didn't speak directly to him. If she rang and he answered the phone she would stay silent, he used to say "It's either your mother or your fancy man again" and then pass the phone to mum!

At my wedding she said "I suppose your dad has done your proud", he was stood next to me at the time.

Eveysdad just talk it through with your OH and make sure her DM doesn't drive a wedge between you. As long as you can talk about it out loud and don't feel the need to be silent and stoic you will be able to manage. Let your OH manage her relationship with your DC, you have no need to join in. Your OH can phrase it how she likes, mum used to say "Do you blame him the way you talk abut him?".

Good luck finding your own way of dealing with her.

[BathshebaDarkstone]

Laguna look at the OP's nn, I'm assuming he's male and therefore didn't give birth.

[mellicauli]

Hate to say it, but could this be a touch of early Alzheimer's? I know sufferers who have made unfounded accusations like this, misconstrue situations and make poor judgments like this, with no real understanding of what the consequences for others are.

Ask your partner if she was always like this. If not, she might want to look at the other symptoms or talk to a GP.

In the meantime, don't stop OH from visiting but suggest you might not want to leave DD with her until you understand what was causing this behaviour.

[BathshebaDarkstone]

My GM accused me of hitting DS's head off a tiled floor and threatened to call SS. I didn't speak to her to the day she died, and I still haven't forgiven her. The bitch should have checked her facts first. This sounds worse, because your GF's mum actually did call SS. Go NC.

[liquidrevolution]

Not quite the same but MIL made a huge thing of interfering with the way I fed DD when she was born and in particular the way we used formula. She basically overstepped the mark big time and this was when I was 10 days post emergency CS after a horrendous pregnancy and birth.

This caused massive arguments with my DH and I and 14 months on I am being told by him that I should 'get over it'. I can't and constantly feel that I am being judged by my PILs. I have very little to do with them but do not stop DH taking DD to see them or letting them take her out for a few hours whilst I seethe.

I can't add anything to what has been said or advised but I just wanted you to know I understand completely how you feel. To me what your OHs DM did was unforgivable and certainly not accidental.

[captaincake]

If she doesn't see DC you have proof any further allegations made up because she hasn't seen DC so therefore it's impossible for her to have seen x,y or z happen.

[goawayalready]

if you stop contact what's to stop her making more allegations now? did she dislike you pre baby? does she consider you the sperm donor?

[captaincake]

What a sadistic cunt. There is no way I would be in the same room as her or allow her in my home. I don't think there's really much you can do if your OH insists on allowing contact between your DC and MIL, sadly, but I would certainly be doing my best to minimise it as much as possible. I can't believe your OH is actually backing up her mother and allowing her to allow her to see DC.

[lostInTheWash]

I don't think the OP can stop his OH taking the DD for visits

No I don't think he can either.

He could try and insist/arrange they all go together and then watch out for and challenge any negative remarks behaviours. That would require the OH co-operation and frankly the OP being able to be civil and polite to the woman even when provoked while still countering any negativity - that's not easy though as I Know full well.

I suppose that might risk also subsequent reports happening as punishment - as she knows prior false report had a huge impact. So that might be a problem then again perhaps it would flag her up as a trouble maker to SS and possible future schools.

There is no ideal solution and it's not likely they will suddenly morph into a better person at some future point either.