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to sleep in the spare room?

10 replies

startrek90 · 18/08/2015 18:39

I have a 10 month old DS who doesn't sleep through the night. My DH has depression and is taking medication. It's so hard as the meds make him paranoid, mood swings and hurts his sleep.

I have not had a full nights sleep since my son was born. Last night was terrible. Ds would wake and I would have to get up and settle him and then as soon as he settled my DH would wake anxious and upset and wanted me to comfort him. As soon as he went to sleep my DS started again. All in all I had about 3 hours.

My DH can't function at the moment so I have to do everything and I am bloody knackered. Would I be unreasonable to sleep in the spare room? I know DH would be upset and feel guilty and I don't want to make it worse but I am pooped. I am so tired and fed up all the time. I never seem to have anyone to look after me... I am a total bitch.

OP posts:

AuntyMag10 · 18/08/2015 18:50

Yanbu, you sound at breaking point. Your dh needs to give a little here, he can't expect that you sleep with him and control the baby's sleeping patterns. He needs your support but you need his as well. Sleep in the spare room and don't stress over your dh feeling guilty.


startrek90 · 18/08/2015 19:02

Its just bloody hard. I am abroad so don't have help right now. He refuses to tell his family who could help and I am on my own. I feel like I can't get help for my PND as I don't want to risk losing my son. I hate this illness.... Its robbed me of my childhood (I was a carer for my mum and sister who are bipolar) and now its taking my marriage. Sorry for the self pity but I have no friends here I can rant too.

OP posts:

FFTransform · 18/08/2015 19:24

I am in the 4th year of little sleep due to lovely but rubbish sleeping dc. I find it extraordinarily tough and I have a very supportive dp.

On the very few occasions I have almost of full night sleep it is amazing how much nicer I am to the children, my dp, more functional at work etc

Don´t think of it as letting down your dp in the short term, think about it as looking after your family in the long term. If you are getting close to not being able to cope (and I know I have got close and had moments I am not proud of) then everybody will loose out.

Also although you are part of a couple and should be supportive of each other that can´t be to the detriment of you and your dc if you dp refuses to take steps to help. You are not able to carry his load and should not be expected to indefinitely.


bigbumtheory · 18/08/2015 19:51

You are not begin a bitch, do it. I agree your DH needs to give some.


googoodolly · 18/08/2015 19:56

You can't carry the entire family. If he can't function properly due to his illness, he needs to understand that you can't look after your DS, do everything around the house/work and look after him. Depression is horrible (I've been there - on both sides) but the person who is depressed needs to understand how tough it is on the partner.

It's okay to be selfish occasionally. Flowers


addictedtosugar · 18/08/2015 19:58

Can you phrase it as "were all shattered, how can we maximise household sleep" then maybe suggest that after the firstvwake of DS, you don't come back to bed and disturb DH, but you go to the spare bed? We did this, and I also crept back into our bed after the early morning feed, so we started and ended in the same bed, but lots of the night we were in separate beds? Often DH didn't know I'd not been there all night.

Question to consider. Would DS sleep better with you in the same room as him?


Loki17 · 18/08/2015 20:12

Not unreasonable at all. Just try and phrase it in a positive way. Try and put some time aside each night for a cuddle with your dh too. Sleeping apart doesn't have to mean being apart.


startrek90 · 18/08/2015 21:10

Addictedtosugar- no DS hates cosleeping as I have tried, he just wants to play and wants his own space- which I can totally understand!

I have tried the moving into a different bed but my dh wakes up and starts looking for me Sad

OP posts:

ijustwannadance · 18/08/2015 21:20

You need to have an honest talk to your. DH. If he cannot function it is unfair of him not to ask his family for help, even if it was minding DS during the day so you can catch up on sleep. Is it because he feels too ashamed to tell them or that they wouldnt understand mental illness?
Also can he go back to docs and ask for alternative meds of causing side effects or at least sleeping tablets?


addictedtosugar · 18/08/2015 21:21

Not same bed, but two beds in same room. Ds1 would still get in my bed now. DS2 hates sharing his bed, but often asks me to sleep in the double in his room while he is in his toddler bed!!!

Sounds like musical beds is out tho. Hope you find a solution. Flowers

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