Letting DC play out of an open window. Surely IANBU?

[everybodysang]

Got home from work and DH was playing parachutes with DD (4). Which involves flying her toys out of the open window in her bedroom, with her standing on a chair leaning out of the window.

I was furious. He did apologise but not like he really meant it..."we were playing". I did shout - deliberately so, I really wanted DD to get the message that it's not on to be leaning out of her window.

This may be relevant - DD has chickenpox, today's their first full day of quarantine.

DD was very upset. DH cannot see why I'm so angry, saying it's just a game - which I get, and he says she's sensible and won't do it on her own. And she is a sensible little girl but she's also 4. I said I wasn't just angry about them playing a game, I knew he'd be supervising, but that I was really angry that he'd even introduced the idea to her.

I said I didn't want to go out to work again knowing he could do that kind of thing.

He absolutely lost it. She was already crying because I'd
shouted so I'm not coming out of this too well anyway, but he was raging at me, saying he couldn't believe I didn't trust him and he wanted an apology.

Thing is - I do think what he was doing was unacceptable, with no caveats. It doesn't matter how many times he screams "we all played games like that" or "oh and YOU'VE never exposed her to any risk", I'm not going to change my mind on that.

He wouldn't stop though. He kept on screaming at me. She was sobbing on my knee, I kept asking him to go away and eventually I said I was going to call the police. I couldn't think of anything else to get him to stop.

This may also be important: I've got anger issues related to PTSD. I've had counselling etc and things are a million times better than say a decade ago, but I do get shouty. So if you're all going to say LTB because he was yelling, it's a bit trickier than that .

He did say some horrible things though. About me going out and building a career while he has a difficult time at home. Pretty much calculated to hit the WOHM buttons there .

I don't know. AIBU? What do we do now?

[UrethraFranklin1]

Lots of things parents do with small children would be dangerous for them to do alone, that doesn't mean we shouldn't do them at all.

[Spartans]

Ywbu but you are not a shitty person.

The windows need locks regardless.

Dh was also bu. I think you both need to sort out ways to avoid this in the future for your child.

[TheTortoiseAteMyHomework]

I would have gone bats shit crazy!

Where I grew up a girl died from falling from her bedroom window. She was playing hide and seek with her brothers and hiding behind her curtains.

It still gives me chills.

[Stanky]

I'm very paranoid about heights and open windows. The thought of this game freaks me out.

[Stanky]

thetortoiseatemyhomework

[differentnameforthis]

You both need to learn how to discuss things without upsetting your daughter too..this wont' be the last time you need to sort things out & your daughter is going to have crap memories of her childhood if it is spent on mum/dad's knee watching them yell & scream & threaten each other.

Your poor dd!

[differentnameforthis]

Oh & no, you are not a shitty person! It was probably pretty scary to see that in the heat of the moment, you just need to learn to discuss it & tell your dh why it scared you & ask him to not do it again..

On the other hand, your dh was pissed off because he had been having a brilliant time entertaining his poorly child & you kinda shat all over that!

FWIW, I think I would have wanted to kill dh if I saw him doing that, tho!

but hopefully will really inprint on her how serious it is not to lean out windows No, not really. Child is too young to make the correlation of her parents screaming at each = not playing with windows.

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

Purely out of interest - we've just had new windows installed throughout the house and the upstairs windows weren't allowed to be lockable as there has to be an escape route from each room in case of a fire (without you scrabbling round looking for a key I presume).

I don't know if this is a new rule as we fitted new windows in our old house 5 years ago and this wasn't an issue.

[Indole]

Of course the child is not too young to work out why her mother was shouting! And I would have gone ballistic too. It is never OK to take chances like that, IMO.

[differentnameforthis]

The girl is too young to make the connection of her mother shouting = dangers of playing at windows when she is a sobbing mess on her mothers knee.

Seriously..how much of shouting do you think people take in? Children switch off when being shouted AT, so they are not likely to listen intently while being shouted OVER by 2 ridiculous adults.

All she will learn is daddy & her having fun = daddy & mummy shouting while I sob.

[Aridane]

Of course YWBU - even your little one told you to,apologies to her daddy. But well done for doing so.

[BathshebaDarkstone]

I'll always shout at my DC if I see them doing something dangerous, if DH did something so irresponsible I'd probably tell him to get her away from the window and shut it. He'd think that I was in the wrong and it would escalate into a row. Some dads don't know how to parent.

[everybodysang]

Hello all, thank you for all your responses - and for going relatively easy on me when I was clearly in the wrong.

Although it was awful, it's actually turned out to be quite a good thing, in a way, though obviously far from ideal for DD.

We have talked a lot and acknowledged that we both have an issue expressing ourselves when we're angry. We haven't exactly come up with a solution at the moment but I think addressing it head on will (hopefully) help us deal with issues a bit less...aggressively.

DH is such a good dad - and husband - in many ways. He is a SAHD and I think if the situation was reversed everyone would be saying LTB so I feel grateful that we're trying to sort things out. Though I don't think they'll be playing that game again...

Poor DD has been quite poorly with her chickenpox so has been having constant cuddles and love and seems to have forgotten the awful argument.

Interesting about not being able to put locks on windows - I did wonder about the one we fitted in our last house as it was pretty much impossible to open. I wonder what the solution is?

[AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain]

You can have lockable windows upstairs as we have them (new windows), but they need to be able to open to provide an escape route. You can't just have opening small top windows anymore, you have to have a way out. We have child locks on ours.

Sounds like a stupid game to me, kids die or are seriously injured from falling out of windows. Glad you've talked though OP.

[PurpleSwift]

Going into a rage in front of your child is totally unreasonable! Completely unacceptable.
I'd have no issue with that game considering the child was supervised, knows not to attempt it alone and has locks on their windows.

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

FENSA's best practice notes state that any newly fitted upstairs window that would be used as an escape route during a fire should ideally not be lockable.

We specifically queried this with our supplier when our windows were fitted a couple of weeks ago and he was very clear that while 'legally' it was ok and some suppliers would do it, it wasn't considered best practise by FENSA or the fire service for upstairs windows to be locked.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

We bought a new build 11 years ago and the windows were fitted with one window not locking upstairs. We were told by the builders that that was on purpose for escape route purposes. We are currently in an older house and all the windows lock. We leave one unlocked on purpose (for escape reasons) but it is one that would be pretty much impossible for the kids to climb up to. (But is also conveniently a good one for escaping with the help of an adult.)

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

I'd be furious if dh was playing such a dangerous game with ds, and even more frustrated if he couldn't see the danger even after I'd explained. That a game that could go seriously wrong

[kickassangel]

OP - I grew up in a family where both parents were excessively shouty, and felt duty bound to reduce the other person (usually me) to tears whenever there was some kind of conflict. They genuinely believe that until the transgressor has been reduced to a sobbing wreck that they haven't really driven the lesson home and made them understand. I see my DSis copying that, and they can still try it with me and DD (I'm 46 btw).

It took me decades a while to realize as an adult that this isn't the right way to do things, but actually just creates drama and control that isn't needed. I used to never be able to get beyond feeling upset or hurt without the big drama and needless crying because I never learned how to deal with negative emotions in a sensible way.

I don't think it's coincidence that both of my parents weren't particularly loved and were sent off to very strict boarding schools.

You need to look at other ways to deal with problems, and remember the big picture - that your DH is a decent person deserving of respect, DD is a young child easily frightened etc - then calm down before you try to discuss it.

fwiw - I think the parachute game was unsafe. If you can manage to discuss it without blaming each other, you do need to think about the safety in your house.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

I used to play parachutes down the stairs, slightly less dangerous than out of a window

[howabout]

My upstairs windows are fitted with child safety catches which allow them to open a couple of inches. In the event of a fire an adult can open the windows fully.

[everybodysang]

kickassangel that's interesting (and obviously horrible for you). I grew up in a pretty loveless household and my mum had the same attitude, that unless someone was crying then she hadn't won. I'm terrified of turning into my mother... and it's sobering to realise that I'm repeating patterns. I do struggle terribly with dealing with negative emotions, I get a dreadful fight or flight response and it's very difficult.

And yes... parachutes downstairs I have no issue with!

Will have to think about what to do with the windows - she'd actually find them very difficult to open as they have two...levers? One high and one low, and the blinds are usually down too.

If anyone has any good anger management techniques/books they'd like to recommend I'd be very grateful, both of us would.

[thunderbird69]

On the lock issue - I've never locked windows in my kids' rooms. Always see them as a fire escape route.

[howabout]

I would find it very difficult if DH was questioning my minute by minute risk assessments as a SAHP. If I listened to all the advice out there I would never have a cup of tea, the dinner would never get made, the washing machine would never be on, the bathroom would never be cleaned, the stairs would never be hoovered etc etc etc. I never iron when I am home alone with DC as a school friend had a really bad burn, but my DD2 was hopping in the hall and ended up with a burn through to the bone after catching her foot between the radiator and the wall. I am more relaxed about open windows than you but I also have a friend who fell through a closed downstairs window and severed the arteries in her arm. I think it is all too easy to be overly risk averse if you are not the one in charge making the decisions.

On anger management try counting to 100 backwards before saying anything.

Also I try not to react instantly in front of the DC (DH using his soldering iron while in sole charge of the DC). This means by the time we sit down together I have thought through a sensible point of view rather than shouting the odds. You could try writing down what you want to say first.