To be really annoyed with DH regarding school holiday childcare?

[SisterOfTheVicar]

Until about a year ago I was a SAHM.

For the past year I have worked on a self employed basis but my work has taken off really well and I work every day during school hours and then catch up on paperwork in the evenings. So really I work full time hours. DH is self employed also and regularly works from home for a day or so to catch up on his paperwork.

DH has been fairly lazy now I'm back at work and can't/won't really get to grips with the fact that I am working now in terms of housework, cooking, childcare at home, and holiday childcare!

For each of the school holidays so far since I began working again DH has just refused to help with any childcare at all, and indeed seems to find excuses not to work from home, and refuses to engage in any discussion about childcare.

During holidays I scale back my work to doing as much as possible from home and then working at clients' premises for two days a week. However for these two days then I simply cannot take the kids with me, and I need to do these days to keep clients happy. I can't take six weeks off from it all, although I have taken one-week half terms off during this school year, and have generally relied on family and friends to help me out on the other days.

For this summer holiday I arranged for a childminder friend to have the DCs for two days per week but she has pulled out at the last minute and now I am well and truly stuck and have said to DH that he will have to take two days off per week to work from home so I can go to work, so that we effectively share the childcare and well he is not happy and is already making excuses about why he can't do X day and Y day.

He told me that today he could not do any childcare, yet I've found out this afternoon that he's spent the whole morning 'working' in a local coffee shop with a colleague. He could have worked at home and done childcare whilst he did it!

I just feel like he is going to keep fobbing me off all holiday, and whilst friends and family have offered to help I cannot put upon them that much for 6 weeks! DH just refuses to discuss it. I tried to talk to him last night and he just carried on looking at his phone and ignored me.

When he phoned just now and said he's spent the morning in a coffee shop I told him that from now on my work days are his responsibility to cover childcare, and that if necessary I will get up at 5am and go off to work to ensure he can't leave home before me to go off and sit and drink coffee!

I am so pissed off. Everything always ends up being my responsibility!

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

Contort I'm sure the op is well aware of that, considering that's how she works. It's the husband who can't seem to get his head around the fact the op needs to separate the two over the holidays. My partner works from home. I plan to return to work a few months after our baby is born. I do not expect all childcare to fall on him because he can work 'anytime', so we will have to look at other arrangements.

Your husband needs a serious kick up the arse/reality check op. He's behaving like a selfish arse at the moment. I'd seriously consider separating if my partner never lifted a finger. He'd have one heck of a shock having to actually 'do something', if you guys did so, maybe remind him of that.

[Iggi999]

Does he think yours is just a pin-money job really?

[AskingForAPal]

Adding to the calls to actually go out and leave him do it. If he gets annoyed (and I'm guessing he will, as he's so shameless about being a knobber) ask him why he thinks it's your job.

[contortionist]

DH [...] will have to take two days off per week to work from home so I can go to work

That sounds to me as though you're expecting him to work and to look after the kids at the same time.

[BlisterFace]

OP is definitely NBU but I am confused about how the OP's H can provide childcare and work from home. Surely he just needs to book AL?

[morethanpotatoprints]

I couldn't be with a man who thought so little of his family.
Sorry you are going through this OP , you deserve better than this.

[oddfodd]

Blister - the OP's DH is self-employed. I am too and can work while looking after DS because he's 8.

[bakingdiva]

But Contortionist, that is exactly what the OPs DH is expecting her to do? Who one rule for her, but another for him, when they are THEIR children?

[ErrolTheDragon]

I am confused about how the OP's H can provide childcare and work from home.

More doable than the the H expecting the OP to provide childcare on the days when she's working away from home, at least (in addition to the days when she's working from home which she's managing somehow anyway). If his work at home isn't compatible with looking after the kids (depends on the work and the kids) then it is reasonable to expect him to find alternatives for some of the days, not expect the OP to take total responsibility.

[bakingdiva]

(Why one rule, not who)

[BlisterFace]

Yes of course Errol - I just didn't see why the OP's DH should not just take the time off.

[BabyGanoush]

It's his attitude that stinks

and his lack of respect for you

[ChunkyPickle]

I've had the same conversation with DP when I had to retract my acceptance of a job offer when it became clear he would not support me (luckily I got something better).

I was livid, and like a couple of others, had the conversation that this was a deal breaker for me, and that I'd find it easier to do it all without him (a darn site less washing for a start). He's stepped up a bit, I've found another job that gives me more flexibility, and we've muddled on - but I still have to be quite sharp with him about how fair things are around the house, and how I feel about that.

[lessthanBeau]

if he can't do the childcare he's supposed to be doing then he should be the one ringing round and sorting out cover! it amazes me how many "d" hs think they can't arrange cc for their own kids! my bil works 3 days a week mon-weds self employed, but dn is still in holiday club for the full 5 days per week it's only open for 3 weeks so shes then shipped off to gps for another 2 weeks, before her parents finally join her for the last 2 weeks, her mum never stops, sorting cc, meals, cleaning,bills etc whilst working full time, she's bloody amazing, but how she puts up with bil is beyond me, I didn't realise there were so many useless dhs out there.

[museumum]

OP - you need to get a calendar and sit down and ask him WHICH days he's going to do childcare and which days HE'S going to find somebody else to do it.
This is an unforeseen situation (you had a cm lined up) and so you both need to pull together to cover it.

Explain clearly which days YOU are doing childcare and that you are doing THREE days a week and asking him to do two so you are already doing 50% more than him.

If he refuses when it's all set out that clearly then he is actually a dick and you may well be better off living seperately - see how he manages his half of the childcare then!

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

He sounds jealous of your success, what a sexist pig. Spell it out really simply, they are his children as well as yours and he has to take some responsibility. Explain that he is turning into someone that you don't see a long term future with unless he changes his ways.

[ErrolTheDragon]

What's really sad about this is that this man doesn't seem to see that this is an opportunity for him to spend time with his DCs.

When my DD was 6, DH developed a medical issue which lead to him quitting his full-time job and working pt partly from home. Although the reasons for doing this weren't good, for him the huge silver lining was that he could do stuff with DD in the holidays. He tried to organise his work so that as far as possible he was at home and working less during the hols. This wasn't some onerous burden - it was (and remains now she's 16 and they still do lots of stuff together) a joy.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

Blister, when you're self employed it's not always as simple as just taking some time off/annual leave.

If the OP is suggesting that her H work from home while also being responsible for the DCs (as she is doing the rest of the week) I'm assuming it's because the DCs are old enough and the H's job flexible enough that this is at least a possibility, albeit not ideal.

OP I'm going to join the LTB brigade. Tell him from now on he has the DCs 50/50 as you both work full time and that includes 50% of the holidays. You know he won't go for it, but the maintenance he pays you will reflect that and even if you only get one or two days to yourself it would be better than what you have now.

Don't put up with this shitty attitude towards you and your DCs.

[whois]

What are your relative earnings tho? I can see that if he is being in say, £100k and you £10k that he would expect you to cover all the childcare as your job isn't really important for the family finances.

unless it really is like £100k v£10k, he's being a dick.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Emergency nanny and he pays for it

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

If he's earning £100k to the OP's £10k he can pay for the childcare that is needed when OP wants to work. That really is a red herring.