Behaviour in the EPAU waiting room

[CakeWouldBeNice]

This morning I was in the EPAU (miscarriage clinic) waiting room. The routine is that when you arrive you are scanned and then you wait in the waiting room to see the doctor/nurse. The only people in the waiting room are for the EPAU (ie women with threatened miscarriages, or similar)

One couple today came out of the scan room and started very loudly going on to each other about how relieved they were to know their baby was fine. They then got out their scan pictures and started showing them to their daughter (maybe about 6 years old, in school uniform, during school hours) pointing out "here's the baby's leg" and making plans for their baby. They were not trying at all to be quiet and there is no way any of their conversation could be missed.

Meanwhile myself and the other woman waiting just had to sit there and hear it all. I ended up leaving in tears and having to wait in a corridor.

Am I being over-sensitive or was their behaviour inappropriate?

[kungfupannda]

I'm sorry you're going through this, and of course that would have been upsetting.

Bear in mind that while you know the purpose of that particular unit, it may not have been made clear to them. I had to go for an extra scan in early pregnancy (can't for the life of me remember why - I think there were contradictory dates) and I was just told I was going to a different unit. It was only after the scan that the doctor mentioned that she didn't usually get to deal with good outcomes in this unit.

They may just have been told 'oh we'll do another scan. Go to F2 with this note' and assumed it dealt with all sorts of things.

[CakeWouldBeNice]

On the other hand life does go on. I am in FMU rather a lot at the moment. I am 27 weeks pregnant with my daughter who has Trisomy 18 and is unlikely to survive very long, if she even makes it to birth. I sit in the waiting room with lots of women and their partners excited over their 12 week and 20 week scan pictures, with people with other children talking excitedly about their coming baby, with photos of healthy babies on the wall and I can't begrudge them that. I am glad for them that they have good news and I know all too well that they may well be the ones with the bad news in a few weeks.

TheDisillusionedAnarchist I've been in exactly that place too in a previous pregnancy. Not trisomy 18, but another condition that meant my DD was unlikely to survive to birth and if she did (which she did) would only live very briefly (half an hour). I had to be scanned weekly - often in the same clinic as people having 12 and 20 week scans, sometimes through the EPAU. I didn't find it insensitive seeing people cooing over the scan photos in the regular clinic (though sometimes I still got a lump in my throat) I guess because that's to be expected in there. I guess I just thought that it would be different in the EPAU where it is made so obvious that the majority of women in the waiting room will not have had good news, and where the couple concerned had only minutes before been anxious about their own possible pregnancy loss. I guess it kind of felt like in the regular clinic I knew to expect excited, happy parents-to-be but that in the EPAU it should be a safe space for those who are hurting, if that makes sense?

My heart really goes out to you. I know what a tough journey you are going through. I wish there was something I could say to make it better but the best that I can do is Take care of yourself

[bigbumtheory]

TheDisillusionedAnarchist I'm so sorry you are having to go through this, i hope you have a lot of love and support around you.

[bigbumtheory]

You are not nasty OP, ignore those comments, I would actually say those comments in themselves are nasty and spiteful to say to someone who is grieving. There's nothing wrong with stating if you think someone is unreasonable but it's uncalled for to say those sorts of things.

You are in an awful place and given that the couple could have just as easily been there they should have had more compassion to wait until they got outside. If someone had recently lost their mother, would the first thing you'd do upon seeing them be to say how lovely your mother is, how you can't wait to see her?

People can be strangely insensitive when it comes to pregnancy loss. I think if everyone who has experienced it was to write down the insensitive things that were said to them it would fill a whole comment section up! In fact I know it would likely be true since over at baby and bump they have that very post with over 1k of comments. Very sad.

[TheDisillusionedAnarchist]

I think they could have been a bit more sensitive although in our EPU you don't go back in the waiting room if you have bad news, just if you are waiting or have had okay news so maybe it just hadn't occurred to them. The units that warn people to be sensitive sound like a good idea.

On the other hand life does go on. I am in FMU rather a lot at the moment. I am 27 weeks pregnant with my daughter who has Trisomy 18 and is unlikely to survive very long, if she even makes it to birth. I sit in the waiting room with lots of women and their partners excited over their 12 week and 20 week scan pictures, with people with other children talking excitedly about their coming baby, with photos of healthy babies on the wall and I can't begrudge them that. I am glad for them that they have good news and I know all too well that they may well be the ones with the bad news in a few weeks.

[zoe146]

I've been to my local EPU probably 50 times, 2 ectopics...it took them a while.
I had a similar experience YANBU.
I had a doctor also tell me that they would bring me back and 'kill that thing' after slamming door in DH face and telling him he had to stay outside...so it's not just other people who are inconsiderate

[Dionysuss]

At my closest hospital epau is near the maternity bit, but has its own entrance. It's all very separate.

But I remember once waiting for a consultant appointment,( which shares a waiting room with the ultrascan dept.) a lady came out of the scan room in tears and asked to wait somewhere more private. On my way out I saw her sat outside the labour ward doors. It still haunts me how distressed she was.

[intheenddotcom]

I had a scan in an EPAU - wasn't pregnant, no chance I could have been. In my hospital A&E use it for internal ultrasounds. I wasn't told it was an EPAU - just read the sign on the door. So it's possible the couple didn't realise that it was an EPAU.

[TimeforaDietCoke]

YANBU OP and I'm sorry for what you are going through . DH and I have been there with two losses in the last year, with bad news received at a private clinic and at our EPU. I think the other couple were completely insensitive. We're so careful not to talk about our current pregnancy in waiting rooms nor to look at scan photos in front of people waiting because although everything is currently looking ok for us this time, I'll never forget the time I was waiting in tears in the EPU and being ushered off (and forgotten about for two hours!) to a side room. Maybe to truly understand how it feels you have to have been there? Look after yourself over the next days and weeks.

[RiverTam]

Having now understood the set up in your hospital (which sounds very sensible, wish ours had been like that) they sound dreadfully insensitive.

[Iggi999]

OP, reading your latest post, I rather suspect I would have punched them.
Hope you get some better news soon. The MC board on here is very supportive if you haven't discovered if already.

[CakeWouldBeNice]

Look, I understand it is hard to go through what you are, you have my heartfelt condolences, but are you saying that if you were told all was OK, you wouldn't have been outwardly happy?
I 've previously had (short-lived) good news from EPAU and yes I kept it quiet until I left as I knew other people were grieving.

Having said that it's not so much that they were happy that bothered me but the 15 minute loud non-stop narrative of "Look at baby's hand. Look at baby's leg..... This is going to be the cutest baby ever.... We're going to pushing him in the pram.... You can give him lots of cuddles.... Shall we call it X?..... I can't wait to give birth". Surely that could all have waited until they weren't in a very small room where other women were in tears because they'd had bad news?

[Ycoitsid]

I was told just before I left the scan room after my positive scan to be considerate of others incase they had bad news.

There were also notes everywhere telling people to be considerate

Complain OP.

[andadietcoke]

YANBU I've been there. When I had my mc something similar happened to me, but weirdly it gave me hope. I was happy for them.

When I was of again I presented with bleeding and pain so they scanned me. I went on my own and the sonographer told me I was having twins. They sent me back to that same waiting room and I just sat there looking at the photos shaking. I couldn't even have told you if there was anyone else waiting I was in my little bubble. There should have been a different waiting room...

[Sadtimescallforsadmeasures]

I have been to epu many many time :( I think yabu, it's a stressful time for everyone there and I've been in the position of being happy and relieved and being devastated because I had lost another pregnancy.

They were happy, I'd be happy for them.

I hope you were ok

[differentnameforthis]

Arseholes. Idiots Oh yes, arseholes & idiots...how very dare they be relived that their baby is OK! They should hang their heads in shame that they dare to be happy about that!

The only people there are people who are having threatened miscarriages. And you & everyone there know exactly how it feels to be waiting on the results of the exact same scan, and yet you still (and pps) criticize them.

Look, I understand it is hard to go through what you are, you have my heartfelt condolences, but are you saying that if you were told all was OK, you wouldn't have been outwardly happy? People will find it hard to hide their relief after good news. It doesn't make them arseholes, idiots or bad people. Just relieved. You have no idea what their back story is. You can't compare & shouldn't criticize them.

[CakeWouldBeNice]

We have the same layout at our local hospital.

Miscarriage and infertility care have the same private waiting room as the pregnant women going in for their scans

That's not the layout at my hospital, and having read other people's experiences on this thread I'm really glad it's not.

At my hospital the EPAU only deals with threatened pregnancy loss not pregnancy complications or early monitoring for other reasons. The EPAU is off the gynae ward and the other things are dealt with through maternity outpatients which is a completely different part of the hospital, even a different floor.

When you arrive you get sent to scan waiting room which is shared with gynae patients (usually they seem to be older ladies ) and then when you get sent to a different small waiting room which is just for EPAU patients.

If you have to be admitted for medical or surgical management, or for an ectopic, you are admitted to the gynae ward not maternity/obstetrics.

Having now read other posts I think the set up at our hospital is really good, I just hadn't realised how good before as I had no comparison.

Sorry to drip feed. I hadn't really understood how different the practices are at other hospitals.

[CakeWouldBeNice]

I think from my point of view I think the couple were not there for miscarriage reasons.

They were there because she'd had some bleeding and was worried about miscarriage. They weren't quiet about that either in the first waiting room before they had the scan (that waiting room is shared with gynae patients - but not maternity patients - waiting to be scanned)

[Thegirlwithallthegifts]

We have the same layout at our local hospital.

Miscarriage and infertility care have the same private waiting room as the pregnant women going in for their scans

I understand that they share the same resources, but really, how insensitive can you get?!

Really sorry op, how awful for you.

[CakeWouldBeNice]

The thing isCakenone of us know other people's stories.

No we don't. But I still (probably even more so after reading this thread) feel that given where they were they could have kept their long, loud, detailed descriptions of how perfect their baby is, what they are going to call it, what they are going to do with it, etc until after they'd got outside.

[YouMakeMyDreams]

12 years ago I was in the epau in my local hospital. I'd gone into the room for my scan which was going to be a trans vaginal scan. Can't remember why but they suggested a pregnancy test to see if they were still positive then they would scan.
Peed in a cup then waited. The sonographers left the room popper into the nurses room to say they would see her in x canteen for lunch and buggered off.
Turned to exp still sitting in the waiting room and said oh well I've miscarried
Nurse called us in to come face to face with a huge post it on my notes saying Negative.
Just really felt the bloody sonographers could have waited until I'd been called in by the nurse who could have hidden the post it and told me herself in a private room rather than let me figure it out myself in the public waiting room.
Still makes me angry now that a fee seconds of their time could have made such a difference to me at the time.

[Teabagbeforemilk]

I think from my point of view I think the couple were not there for miscarriage reasons. While the OPs Epau is uses for this. It's entirely possible it was used for other reasons and maybe the person doing the scan, did not advise them to be sensitive.

As I said earlier, I went to the epau and had no idea epau was primarily for this. After reading this thread I am assuming my local ones are not used for mainly this reason.

The family were probably there for another reason, which would explain why they didn't have their child there and didn't realise why the other women are there

[BeaufortBelle]

The thing is Cake none of us know other people's stories.

I hope you are OK.

[CakeWouldBeNice]

BeaufortBelle that really is terrible. I am lucky in that (so far) throughout several very difficult pregnancies and pregnancy losses the staff have always been extremely kind and sensitive.

[CakeWouldBeNice]

Thank you to everyone who sent good wishes, I really appreciate it, and thank you to everyone who has replied. I asked whether I was being over-sensitive so I was ok with hearing that I was being, I just hadn't expected a couple of you to do it in quite the way you did. Still, live and learn I guess. I'm not quite sure how I'm being nasty and it has really upset me to think that I might have been.

I know I was probably a bit judgey about the child being there, maybe I'd have been less judge if she wasn't running all over the waiting room and if her parents weren't loudly telling her all the details about the baby brother or sister she was going to have. I know the school she's at and with an appointment at that time she could have easily been dropped off and collected at the normal time and the school hasn't broken up yet.

One of the nurses said she was appalled when someone told her what the couple were doing (though it was a good 15 minutes before anyone told her) and moved the couple to wait in a consulting room instead.