DD very immature worried

[jazzdancepink]

I am worried about my DD, she is in year 9 and so immature still.

She came to give me a goodnight hug and kiss and I had to ask her if she'd cleaned her teeth today as her breath was very smelly. This often happens.

She whines all the time, this was noted on her school report and one teacher actually wrote that she threw tantrums when not allowed to sit where she wanted and sulked and whinged.

She sulks and squabbles with her friends too and she is very little girl in her hair and clothes, it's like she hasn't transitioned properly to being a teenager.

Any advice?

[TurnOverTheTv]

Is she being bullied? My daughter is exactly the same age, but is very very different. She babysits and has a part time job. Does she have any responsibilities at home?

[Lurkedforever1]

Is the whiny/ tantrum/ victim complex something she's never really grown out of or something that's made a return? And if it's not been consistent since being a toddler when did it start reoccurring?

[Livvylovess]

Get her into sea cadets. Mine love it even if I do have to put my foot down and make them go sometimes. They love it when they are there.

[Livvylovess]

Wind their necks in.

[Livvylovess]

She whines all the time, tantrums when not allowed to sit where she wanted and sulked and whinged.

She sulks and squabbles with her friends too and she is very little girl in her hair and clothes, it's like she hasn't transitioned properly to being a teenager.

Oh she is a teenager. I have two girls in year nine. They don't sulk for teacher as it wont wash with me and they were brought up better, the rest mine to a t, the youngest especially. They can show up any 6year old with ease, but then they have had an extra 8 year perfecting, sulking whingeing, snapping, and throwing the stupidest of tantrums I have ever seen. I just tell them to wind there necks in and laugh.

Oh I have to tell them, to brush there teeth daily.

I have to tell there brother nearly 17, to wash, brush teeth, to shower, to change his pants and socks.

Teenager regress I swear.

[laura43]

My DD also year 9 is exactly the same. I wouldn't worry they all grow up at different rates and whilst her immaturity is at times infuriating I would much rather that than behaving like adults already. DD also has very volatile friendships, one minute they are best friends besotted with each other then next they hate each other guts. DD also always in trouble at school for being a bit bratty, mouthy, rude! And is permanently grumpy stomping around over reacting she is the female equivalent to Kevin!

[Icimoi]

Have you talked to the school about the possibility that she has a social communication difficulty?

[ShadyMyLady]

The first thing that crossed my mind was ASD when reading this, girls tend to go unnoticed much more than boys. Maybe have a google of girls with Aspergers and see if any of it fits.

Obviously you know your DD best, but a few things you have said is typical behaviour for girls on the spectrum.

[ALittleFaith]

This sounds like me at that age. I really struggled too. Now as an adult I'm waiting for assessment for ASD and think I might have attention issues. I was also diagnosed as dyslexic (but not until uni!). More for memory, planning and attention issues than spelling.

I think it might be worth speaking with school. Issues like this can be indicative of other issues which like Anomaly says are more often missed in girls. I knew I was different and a bit odd when I was younger, I think I'd have coped better if I'd understood why.

[Mehitabel6]

How much independence do you give her at home. Are you leaving her for short periods, letting her cook a meal, make her own breakfast etc

[LIZS]

Agree with teabag that it is worth ruling out conditions which may affect her social skills and need for structure. It may be that she gets anxious if not seated where she expects and that manifests itself in this behaviour. Dd is a young y9 and doesn't seem as naturally sophisticated as many of her peers or in any rush to grow up.

[Teabagbeforemilk]

Dd was badly bullied. She struggles socially. Thankfully she also basks in the praise teacher heap upon her as she is g&t. So no problems with behaviour at school.

She is immature for her age. Can fall out with friends for nothing and quite immature. It's something we are all working on with her, I do suspect she has aspergers. Like me and my dad.

From reading your posts op, I think you are worried there are additional problems. If so it may be worth speaking to school about wether they think she needs referring or your gp.

[BarbarianMum]

I agree that it sounds as if she's struggling socially. It might be worth going in to school and seeing what support is available to her there. I also think reading up about asd in girls wouldn't do any harm, just in case.

On a more positive note, I was very socially immature as a teen. Not whiney or falling out w friends but just v v young for my age and quite out of step with most of my peer group. I caught up in my early 20s.

[ppolly]

I wouldn't worry about the teacher who is exasperated with her - some teachers just have a really low tolerance level for whingers. Maybe you need to find her an activity that doesn't involve competitiveness and where she can simply relax and enjoy herself.
There is nothing wrong in being very young for your age, except it does make it hard to fit in at school. I took years to grow up properly and was a terribly late bloomer. I spent my teenage years mostly wallowing in self-pity and assuming I would remain ugly and unlovable for the rest of my days. What really helped was getting a cat, who was affectionate and uncritical.
I'm not suggesting your dd feels like this, but school can be a harsh and unforgiving environment.

[Reasonsnottobeanidiot]

Honestly sit her down and tell her it's time to grow up a bit. Does she have any older cousins? Ask them to take her out for a day (bribe) and help her see what it's like being an older teen, and go into the school and sort out plans for when the tantrums etc start up. High school isn't easy for the babyish kids who keep quiet never mind the extremely loud ones, so I'd try my best to push her along a little bit

[Anomaly]

I think she could be fine but she could also be crying out for support. Some of her behaviour could indicate ASD which is often missed in girls. Might be worth reading up on it see if you recognise anything.

[jazzdancepink]

I don't want to make her sound awful but she doesn't have many friends as she falls out with other girls a lot.

[ppolly]

Maybe it is her way of indicating that she is struggling socially? Does she do any out of school activities and if so how is she there?

[jazzdancepink]

She wouldn't say boo to a goose at primary but she's reverted to this whiny and sulky behaviour, I know one of her teachers in particular is really exasperated.

[ppolly]

She will grow up at some point. Is she physically immature too - has she hit her growth spurt yet? Has she always been whiny or is this a new thing? Teachers do tend to find whinges and tantrums hard to bear- especially in older children, but you'd be surprised how normal it is.

[Aeroflotgirl]

She sounds completely fine to me. Inam sure if her behaviour was a big Cincern, her teachers would be contacting you.

[jazzdancepink]

She's mid ability but seems to be mostly meeting her targets. She gravitates towards one girl and argues with teachers when they tell
her she can't sit with her friend and they have all commented on this wasting time. All levels seem to be fine, the scjool has two halves of the year and she is in the top half but the bottom set in that half if that makes sense.

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

I'm in two minds about this. On the one hand, every teen can develop at different rates. Boys are usually more likely to be considered 'childish' at this age, in behaviour, but girls are expected to have started showing some adult thinking/emotions/behaviours, due to how we go through puberty. However, some girls can lag behind, perhaps she is fighting growing up for some reason? Is she the eldest of your children? Is she developing normally in other ways (cognative ability, hormornally, growth, periods etc).

I knew a few girls like her at school. Most grew out of it. One did not - at nearly thirty she still behaves like a pre-pubestant child. It's very, very odd and I can only put it down to her parents spoiling her rotten and never questioning her behaviour.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I am sure she will, if not in her teens, but her 20s/30s like me. She just might have an emotional delay

[pollyisnotputtingthekettleon]

DD has friends like this... always picking squabbles, not getting their own way, no compromises ... they seem to attract simular personalities who fight all the time. Sorry its time to get her to see a bigger pictures ... in how her behaviour affects those around her. If her teachers are noticing you need to do something quick.