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AIBU?

To fancy my friend now she has lost weight?

80 replies

samotoro · 06/07/2015 14:07

I am a married man in my late 30's with 1 child of 2 years old. Married for 7 years and with my wife for 16 in total. Been friends with my female friends since uni for about 18 years, she was with her now husband then so nothing every happened between us and I didn't really fancy her just loved her has a friend. Ever since I met her she was always heavy.

Now she has lost a lot of weight and she looks so good, she isn't the sort to act all sexy but she doesn't have to try gorgeous skin, hair and smile and a top personality to go along with her new body.

Its not going to affect my marriage and I'm not going to tell my friend about my new interest in her so this isn't really a "relationship issue" which is why I am posting this here.

Is it so bad that I fancy her like mad now as long as I keep it to myself?

OP posts:

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CasperGutman · 07/07/2015 11:44

Whether you're married or not, there is nothing wrong with feelings of attraction. You can't help being attracted to someone, and there is no controlling the fact that you find particular body types more attractive. Being a grown-up means having the maturity to keep your thoughts to yourself, not act on every animalistic urge.

What's worrying is that these feelings are so important to you that you've taken the effort to start this thread! For that alone, YABU.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/07/2015 11:38

I don't think there is anything wrong with developing crushes, married or not, that's just human nature. Clearly acting on them is another matter if you are married. You have indicated you won't or can't but the fact you have posted about it suggests otherwise. I would keep a bit of distance until this fades. Also, think about how you'd feel if your wife was posting on here saying similar things. God knows, I've had plenty of crushes during my marriage, I have never ever mentioned them to anybody though, let alone acted on them. Unfortunately, my husband did. If you want to know the reality of that, I'll happily tell you you will run screaming down the street. You've acknowledged your feelings, let them flow away. Concentrate on your wife divorce is shit.

ConfusedInBath · 07/07/2015 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 07/07/2015 09:53

WorraLiberty · 07/07/2015 09:45

Being married isn't the same as being neutered

I know it's only Tuesday, but that has to be quote of the week!

IfNotNowThenWhen · 07/07/2015 09:37

These type of threads always bring out the matrons of Mumsnet. Fine the OP sounds like a bit of an knob but the outrage that he might find a female friend suddenly attractive now she has lost weight, or that any married man might have a secret wank fantasy over someone he isn't married to is hilarious.
Being married isn't the same as being neutered. Of course in the course of a life you will notice other people. As long as it stays firmly in your head and you do nothing but wait for it to pass, it's totally fine, and yes I would say that if I was married.
Not that I wouldn't actually know if my husband fancied one of his friends. In my experience men are not exactly geniuses at hiding these things, subtle though they think they are.
It's also not the law to fancy people regardless of their body shape or size. I'm no Megan Fox,and I have a fairly broad range of men I would fancy,but I wouldn't be attracted to obesity either. Some people are, I am not. Big deal.

RachelRagged · 07/07/2015 09:08

I once had a work mate, and we mingled socially in a small group . .Lovely bloke, kind, funny, thought the world of me but the fickle young woman I was then was put off by his belly .. I know, shallow .

To this day it is a regret I still hold , we had so much in common when I think back .

daisychain01 · 07/07/2015 07:56

sweetgrape · 07/07/2015 07:41

I agree with you daisychain, my point being that on MN it's always fine to have very close same sex friendships and that this type of thing doesn't happen. Of course it will, time and time again. It's naive to think it won't.

daisychain01 · 07/07/2015 05:13

There was a time when I used to think I could only fancy a "type" of person.

my DP is so far from that type, probably the polar opposite, but if I had judged him on his appearance and not seen the whole person that he is, I would have been the worse for it. Quite a revelation.

MistressDeeCee · 07/07/2015 05:07

Well OP (if your situation is "real" which Im doubting) you aren't fitted with blinkers just because you're married. So of course you may fancy other women but acting on it, or letting said woman know, is a different thing. Im not convinced you won't act on it - since you've landed here asking a bunch of women what their view is. But if you do approach/hint its to be hoped she tells you to piss off back to your midlife crisis

Aside from that...agree with other posters re. it somehow being seen "wrong" to have a type. I do see overweight men that I think are quite fanciable - face and character wise that is. But no way would I ever be with a fat man...being enveloped in mounds of flesh doesn't do it for me so thats that.Although I do like just a few extra pounds as skinny men don't do it for me either. Since when is it wrong, or even to do with anybody else, what type of man/woman a person is attracted to...?

daisychain01 · 07/07/2015 04:50

In mumsnet world you can have the most gorgeous woman ever as your friend but you can't fancy her. Its unthinkable

No,that's not the point. What is the point is reading about the shattered lives of poor people, mainly women, on the Relationships board, who have to put up with unfaithful arseholes who start out with these little 'harmless' crushes and before they know it the Manchild they thought they had married can't keep it in his pants.

If it's that harmless he wouldn't be on here gloating, which is what his thread is doing. Just a wheeze.

Sleepsoftly · 06/07/2015 22:40

You cant keep it to yourself. That's why you are here.

AnyFucker · 06/07/2015 22:35

christ, how utterly pedestrian

Timetodrive · 06/07/2015 22:30

I do think some people become sexier when the lose weight because their confidence soars. But I thinks it is unfair to your wife to remains friends with a women that you fancy.

HelenaDove · 06/07/2015 22:06

"romantic footing" I think we are giving his "feelings" more credence than they deserve.

Because these "feelings" would not have moved on to this footing if she hadnt passed his fuckability test by losing weight.

sweetgrape · 06/07/2015 20:58

But she's your friend. You've broken the rules. In mumsnet world you can have the most gorgeous woman ever as your friend but you can't fancy her. Its unthinkable.

Iliveinalighthousewith2friendl · 06/07/2015 20:55

Feelings are one thing. You can't help them, as long as you don't act on them. That's another thing entierley

Balacqua · 06/07/2015 20:37

shubedo · 06/07/2015 20:18

The OP is worrying because I think he is probably deluding himself about his feeling for his friend. He is attempting to minimise the issue of his feelings for a woman not his wife by trying to seperate his physical longing for her and his feelings of love as a friend when in reality he can't his feelings for her have moved on to a romantic footing and this is a huge problem for him and his marriage. I suspect the OP has always had conflicted feelings about this woman it is very worrying that he refers to her as the only women he was able to be himself with, that should be your wife if not perhaps you should have saw past this womans extra weight and married her at the time. As it is I don't see this ending well. My feeling is that in time you will try to act on your feelings and either you will be rejected and lose your friend or she will reciprocate your feelings at which points all bets are off. My guess is that you will do what you want anyway, why not come back and let us know how your coping when your life goes to crap.

Purplepoodle · 06/07/2015 19:55

It's more worrying u have said she the only person I could be me with. Shouldn't that be the person u married

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 06/07/2015 19:44

Worst. Troll. Ever.

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HelenaDove · 06/07/2015 19:43

"saggy tits and arse now"

Lovely turn of phrase there People who have worked damn hard to lose weight STILL get vilified.

People who have been three years clean or five years sober dont get the same crap thrown at them though

ReginaBlitz · 06/07/2015 19:35

Wow I'm sure she would be intrested in a dick that thought she was a fat fucker before now wants a shag that she's slim, you do know she will probably have saggy tits and arse now? Regardless doubt she would want to go with a cheating bastard anyway

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 06/07/2015 18:54

I really don't understand why on MN we aren't "allowed" to say we have a type of person/body we find attractive. It's human nature to have preferences. If a woman prefered chubby men, was fond of a skinny male friend but didn't find him sexualy attractive, then saw him in a different light when he piled the weight on, would that be wrong? I don't think so. To me, the difference between a friend and a lover is sexual attraction or lack of.

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