To wish he'd just stop moaning.

[pleasestopmoaning]

I have namechanged for this in case DP realises this is about him and reads my other posts.

I might be being unreasonable so please tell me if I am and I'll cut him some slack.

DP has, IMO a nice and easy life. He doesn't work (I am the major breadwinner) and looks after DD 18mo for approx half the day. The other half of the day I look after her. Sometimes we do things together as a family.

So, he has plenty of spare time. He occasionally loads the dishwasher and does the grocery shopping but not much else. In fact I need to get a cleaner.

I on the other hand work every spare minute I have (run my own business), look after DD 50% of the time (at least), do all house related admin, every single night waking and always have done and up until very recently have been BF a lot. Oh and I'm 6 months pregnant so feel knackered at the best of times but just get on with it.

I don't mind doing so much and him having an easier life in comparison, what grates on me is that he always walks around sighing, saying how tired he is, how much he needs a break etc etc. He was the one who wanted to give up work to look after DD part time so that we didn't have to send her to nursery quite yet.

I'm concerned as with another DC due in a few short months, life is never going to be this easy again. God forbid he may actually have to go out to work one day as well!

AIBU to want him to man the hell up?

[scarlets]

I don't think that being a sahp suits him. Which is fine. So, he needs to find a part-time job, once your second child is old enough for a couple of sessions with a crèche or childminder. And housework will need to be shared 50:50 or outsourced.

[juliascurr]

the 'crap at housework' thing is tedious
I empathise - dp is my earthbound deity f/t carer as I am Tragically Cripple; he is thus beyond any criticism. The frustration of waiting 50 minutes for a cup of tea defies description. dinner frequently at 10pm, inc when dd has GCSE the following morning.
any suggestions on tactful way to ask 'for christ's sake, what the 'kin ell are you DOING out there?' gratefully received

[chickenfuckingpox]

when do you get your free nursery hours?

start planning now get your dd in nursery now then he cant claim to be the main carer should you need a divorce

[flimflamflarnfilth]

If he's complaining now I imagine it wouldn't be too long after he starts caring for both DC in the day that he will start to suggest DC1 goes to nursery.
As PP have said, it doesn't sound like being SAHP suits him.

[ZaZathecat]

Really? When he's so unhappy doing what he's doing? Maybe you need to ask him what he really wants to do, and if it is to be a SAHP you need to thrash out who is responsible for what. If you list all the jobs that need doing and who does it, it should soon appear obvious to him that he's not doing enough.

[pleasestopmoaning]

I'm pretty sure he would refuse to get a job now.

[ZaZathecat]

He needs to get back into a job now before it gets too difficult.
He obviously hates being a SAHP and he is of very little use as one. Better if he does something he enjoys and gets paid for, you could still do part time and look after your dc half days and pay a cleaner to help keep up with the housework.

[whois]

I can't believe he only looks after DD for half the day, nothing else and complains!

He doesn't sound like a very good partner.

What money will be coming in when you are on ML?

Maybe go down the 'I'm so concerned for you route' because either he is sick, depressed or a work shy lazy cunt who has no respect for you, and if it is the final option then it doesn't look good with a second child on the way.

[PurpleWithRed]

So you split childcare 50/50
You work part time, he works not at all
He does - what - 20% of the household stuff while you do 80%

And he gets in a strop when you "ask him to help"?

You do realise how bad this looks on paper?

1. if you ask him for help it confirms to both of you that the work is really your responsibility and him doing it is doing you a favour. Stop asking him for help and start telling him he is letting down you and dd by not doing his fair share
   
   
2. If he strops, don't step down and be nicey nicey, hold your ground. He's stropping as a way of getting you to back down so he can have his lovely life.
   
   If he carries on like this he will lose you.

[petalsandstars]

Stropping when you ask him to step up is not a good sign though. Be careful if you are thinking of a split that he can't claim to be the main carer and in effect you have to pay child support for him!!

[pleasestopmoaning]

He gave up work after I found out we are expecting DC2. He assured me it was what he wanted and was the one who suggested it.

[Ragwort]

I'm concerned as with another DC due in a few short months ............... why did you choose to have another child when you are unhappy with the situation as it is already?

[petalsandstars]

If there were a woman posting saying she looks after DC for half the day and her DH works and does most of the chores and household admin and looks after DC the rest of the time giving her free time of a few hours every day she would be absolutely flamed for complaining as that is really an easy life!

If she were posting that she did childcare for half the time, worked the other half plus all the admin and most of the chores people would quite rightly be asking where the DH is and why he is not taking on more of either house or earning responsibility.

[pleasestopmoaning]

I work part time pepporoni. I am not complaining about my life - I see it for what it is - we have it easy in comparison to most! What worries me is that he can't see that and when DC2 comes along he will fall apart.

I do wish he was stronger and that he'd step up - what's wrong with that. I do everything I can for my family and he does the bare minimum and still complains. Yes we may well split up but I'm trying to figure out why he is like this before making any decisions. I can't speak to him as he either stomps off, tells me I'm 'off my head' or says im making it up to cause a row.

[TiggieBoo]

Why would the answers be any different? A part time sahp moaning about how hard they've got it when their working partner does most of the housework as well? Not nice

[Pepperonipeteczar]

How do you work full time and look after the child 50% of the time?

I've seen a lot of threads saying that "women looking after toddlers ARE working, it's a full time job ect ect"

I am on maternity leave as I am 40 weeks pregnant, I have a 2 year old to look after and still do all the cooking and cleaning as well as doing 18 hours a week for my degree. my husband doesn't pick up the slack as he also does a degree and works 60+ hours a week.

You both sound like although neither of you have particularly demanding schedules you are moaning at eachother about running a pretty normal household, either pull together and sort it out or split up, it will get harder when the other child comes, what then?

[violetbunny]

OP, why would you need to put your DD into childcare for half the day if you worked full time? Surely if you worked full time he would take over her care? I can't believe he is using that as an excuse!

[Beautifulhorizon]

What about together working out a schedule of what needs doing each week - clean bathroom, hoover, dust, change beds, house admin, mow lawn and so on - then agree who is responsible for what and stick to it. As you work outside the house you should have fewer tasks assigned to you, and fewer still as your pregnancy progresses.

It's possible your DH is oblivious to how much needs doing so this way he realises what it takes to run the home. And if he knows but has been deliberately shirking having the schedule will hold him accountable.

[avocadotoast]

Why can't he look after your daughter all day? Isn't the main point of being a SAHP to look after the children?

[Candlefairy101]

Your right line,

OP do you feel like he feels he's doing you a massive favour by having ds for half the day and not seen it like this is he's role that he's doing it so your ds doesn't go to nursery?

[Bunbaker]

My sister's husband was like this. Eventually he was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. If he is genuinely tired all the time you could suggest her visits the GP.

[LineRunner]

But the man wouldn't be six months pregnant, Pepper. It wouldn't work.

[DorisLessingsCat]

He needs to go back to work. Being a SAHP obviously doesn't suit him.

My DH is a SAHP and he's fantastic at managing the house etc. But he found the loss of identity and all that comes from work really difficult to adjust to. He now does a lot of volunteering and that helps.

[Candlefairy101]

I completely agree with euphemia, I also since a lot of resentment on both sides.

At the moment you see yourself as the 'male' in the family and just want to be looked after yourself but at the moment you feel you have 3 children and a third on the way. What you really would like is him to take some responsibility I.e take some control of the bills etc...

If think he needs a reality check of actually how much responsibility you actually have, I bet if you went away for a week on a 'business trip ' or something and left him to pay bills, cook, clean, childcare, money control he'd actually see how much you do and how little he 'thinks' he does x resentment definitely coming from your side and him busts feeling sorry for himself and hard done by?