Grand daughter trouble

[MissHavisham1984]

Our son and his wife split up 3 years ago because of her constant debt. The 2 daughters live with their father and his new partner in a stable, loving home. Recently, the 14 year old has been going through a stroppy teenager phase which resulted in homework not done, arguments, shouting culminating with 14 year old going to stay with her mother. Mother lives in chaotic and squalid circumstances, no discipline, daughter allowed do as she like. Of course, this suits her admirably and she has gone from a loving girl to the teenager from hell. As grannie, we want to help and it's hard to see our son, who was the prime parent, in despair. What can we do?

[Slutbucket]

Just keep what you are doing and keep neutral about things. It's a positive that she trusts you and you are a connection to her dad so it's important for you to stay steady and not rock the boat. In time once you have gained her trust you may be able to broach the subject about dad again remaining neutral but tread very carefully.

[SorchaN]

It all sounds pretty normal to me. The stress of parental divorce and new partner(s) is very hard for teens to cope with. My daughter was much the same at 14, except it was me she loathed; her dad could do no wrong. She grew out of it, but it took time.

I'd also say: don't worry too much about the squalid. It really has to be very bad before it's dangerous. I have a friend who doesn't seem to clean the kitchen or bathroom, and the kids are never unwell. Unless there's dog mess all over the living room floor (or similar) it's probably just fine. It's not the way you (or I) would choose to live, but it won't do your grand-daughter any actual harm.

It sounds like you have a lovely relationship with her - it must be a huge comfort to her when everything else in life seems so difficult.

[PenelopePitstops]

Miss Havisham

You sound lovely and concerned. Not got many ideas for you other than keep her talking. She will come round eventually, mums will get boring! Until then keep talking and inviting her over. Perhaps suggest a meal with her dad at your house?

[ConkerGame]

My younger brother went through the rebellious teenage phase, getting into trouble at school and driving my parents to despair. The main thing he remembers from that period now though (he's now a lovely grown up adult with a good life!) is a nasty letter my grandmother wrote to him. She thought she was doing her best in 'keeping him on the straight and narrow', but instead it came across as 'pull your socks up or the whole family will disown you, as we all hate you right now'.

Yes he was angry with my parents at the time as they kept having a go at him about doing homework, not being cheeky in class etc but to some extent you expect that from your parents and you expect to fight with them as a teenager. It is not the expected role of a grandparent, however, and that letter really cut him deep and he hasn't really forgiven her for it.

As other posters have said, your role is just to be a nice granny - be there for her and continue your weekly dinners and messages, so she has some calm continuity in her life. Whatever you do, don't be negative about her or either of her parents and just be positive about any promising behaviour you see. She'll come through it ok on the other side eventually, you just have to ride it out and be her sanctuary until she does.

[MissHavisham1984]

I have looked on Gransnet and I think that's the case. I am seeing the GD today and will do as everyone advises and keep stum. The sad thing is, she is messaging me and replying but ignoring her dad's loving messages at the moment.

[Jackw]

I think that some of the initial responses were because you have given the impression that you think your son and his family set up is perfect and your ex DIL is and was at fault for everything. As generally things are more nuanced than this and lots of posters have experienced MIL's with similar biased attitudes, it rang a few alarm bells. However, you have had a greater range of responses now.

[Summerisle1]

Sure there's other grandparents in similar situations over on Gransnet?

Well yes, there are. But to be honest (as a MIL and GM) I found that Gransnet was as keen to demonise the DIL as people have presumed happens to MIL on here. But without the swearing. So yes, visit for another perspective but don't expect it to be other than very skewed.

What I'd say is that you need to just be there for your granddaughter. Be the trusted adult that she continue to spend time with and can confide in and offer a calm place of security. Don't be seen as taking sides or interfering with the business of her father and mother.

[drudgetrudy]

I think its good to post on here as well as looking on Gransnet though. You get another perspective.
I think that as grandparents its a great thing to be able to just carry on being there as normal and not having the responsibility for liaising with schools etc. that parents have.

[twogiraffes]

OP - agree, you sound like you have a great relationship with her. She probably really needs a bit of stability in her life right now. Other than that you just have to sit it out I'm afraid. Sure there's other grandparents in similar situations over on Gransnet?

[Mrsjayy]

Yip what Mrsterrypratcett said they usually come good keep your normal routine with her its ok to tut at some of her behaviour I think kids look to shock but dont judge her to much she will be fine

[OwlsEscapade]

There are some really odd and arse'y replies on this thread.

I don't know why as the OPs OP sounds like a reasonable request for advice to me - although it would probably have been better posted in chat or somewhere less hostile.

OP - it sounds like you have a good relationship with your DGD and I agree with the PP's that you probably shouldn't do anything other than be there and be as supportive as you can.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

People often worry that teenagers are descending and will mess their lives up for good. Actually a bit of teenage rebellion is good for kids. If she still sees you for meals once a week and still talks, and you believe her 'foundation' childhood was healthy, she will probably be OK.

Keep the door open, don't judge anyone in front of her and be the person who offers a calm in the storm. Encourage her successes and let her parents deal with any school/behaviour problems. Even if they don't.

[drudgetrudy]

As you will have noted some people on Mumsnet (not all by a long way) have trouble accepting that a grandparent can be genuinely concerned for a grandchild without having another agenda.
The main thing that you can do is to be there for her and continue to do nice things together. Avoid saying anything even mildly negative about any parent or step-parent. Let her know that you care about her and don't want to see her get into difficulties but avoid expressing too much anxiety or nagging. Gently help her to see the situation from other people's point of view and don't reject her whatever she does. That's all I can suggest.

[WyrdByrd]

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your GD and I think maintaining that is the best and probably only thing you can actually do.

Keep being there, keep listening, try not to judge (your gd or her mum), and support your son in whatever way you feel is appropriate.

More than likely it will all come good one way or another with time, patience & your gd's increasing levels of maturity - keeping the lines of communication open will hopefully help.

[MissHavisham1984]

We have played a big part in our grandchildren's lives (we have 8) and have always been around to help. Yes I do lots with GD, shopping, hairdresser, theatre, holidays etc. She generally comes for a meal once a week and has talked a lot in the past about how she feels. She messages me as well.

[MissHavisham1984]

Thank you for that.

[saturnvista]

And hahahahaha at the words 'advice' and 'support' being applied to some of the posts here

[saturnvista]

Denimwithdenim

I understand the OP's revelation remark perfectly so let me enlighten you. Mumsnet is infamous for being witty, biting and intelligent. Sometimes the biting turns into unfunny, prejudiced bullying with posters deliberately misconstrued and the most uncharitable meanings drawn from their comments. As an MIL on a board that often vilifies MILs, this well-meaning lady had no idea that she was about to encounter the dark side of Mumsnet. It's been implied that she is already interfering in this situation, was possibly to blame for the break-down of her son's marriage, that she despises her ex-DIL and that she doesn't care about her grandchild. Simply because she exists and she's concerned. Believe me, that's a revelation to anyone who hasn't become immune to the bitterness and bigotry on AIBU. -But I think deep down you knew that

[saturnvista]

Denimwithdenim

I understand the OP's revelation remark perfectly so let me enlighten you. Mumsnet is infamous for being witty, biting and intelligent. Sometimes the biting turns into unfunny, prejudiced bullying with posters deliberately misconstrued and the most uncharitable meanings drawn from their comments. As an MIL on a board that often vilifies MILs, this well-meaning lady had no idea that she was about to encounter the dark side of Mumsnet. It's been implied that she is already interfering in this situation, was possibly to blame for the break-down of her son's marriage, that she despises her ex-DIL and that she doesn't care about her grandchild. Simply because she exists and she's concerned. Believe me, that's a revelation to anyone who hasn't become immune to the bitterness and bigotry on AIBU. -But I think deep down you knew that

[Denimwithdenim00]

Why is it a Revelation?

posters have offered advice and support.

At the end of the day it really is down to the girls parents isn't it?

You have no legal rights here.

All you can do is support.

Don't understand the revelation remark?

[m0therofdragons]

Probably going against the grain here but my grandmothers were a big part in my growing up. I didn't live with them or even see them that much but they still influenced me in a positive way. Do you ever get to spend time alone with her maybe going to a coffee shop and having a cake and a chat.
There's nothing major you can do but you can be there for her, ensure she knows she's loved and cared for unconditionally. Talk to her and help her to see how to make good safe choices - without lecturing (hard I know).
be involved in her life and in a few years she will appreciate it.

[MissHavisham1984]

Sorry! I didn't know what AIBU stood for! I'm new to this.

[2rebecca]

You might have been better in relationships rather than AIBU particularly as you don't ask an AIBU question.
I think you just continue to be loving grandparents and behave the way you always have with her. Don't criticise her mother unless your opinion on her mum or her mum's way of doing things is asked for. Teenage kids of separated parents often change where they live and the 2 parents often have different ways of parenting and different ways of living.
Your son chose to have 2 kids with this woman. Just be there for her and don't add to the tug of love/ emotional blackmail thing.

[sparkysparkysparky]

Be a Gran. Be there. I never had one so I don't know what you do with them. But I see my preteen with hers and it is a fab thing.
You gds very lucky but donâ??t know it or donâ??t want to know it. Too busy being a teen. At least one of them is.
If you do anything proactive it'll probably be the wrong thing to someone.
Good luck and best wishes.

[Finola1step]

I can understand that you are worried. But there is very little you can actually do. The very best thing you can do is make sure that your GD knows that you love her and that she is welcome in your home. Don't expect that she knows you love her, tell her often. Even if she responds in the usual teen way, still tell her. She will calm down. She can't be dragged back, she is with her mother after all. It may be incredibly frustrating but hang on in there.