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AIBU?

Inviting guests over at 9pm. Is it unreasonable?

39 replies

KindergartenKop · 21/06/2015 19:12

A bit of background, we have 2 ds's aged 3 and 6mths. Ds1 is very demanding and clingy to me. He doesn't stop talking between 7am and 6 30pm. Ds2 still wakes once or twice a night (Dh and I share night feeds) and goes to bed between 8 and 9. I'm not a night owl and I need to be in bed by 10ish to not feel shit the next day, especially with getting up to feed ds2.

Today we went to visit some friends for lunch. It was hectic as usual and it's hard to hold an adult conversation juggling the needs of the kids. So dh suggested to the friends that they should come round one evening after the children are asleep. He didn't consult me of this plan. Frankly the last thing I want to do after ds2 goes to sleep (sometimes as late as 9pm) is entertain these friends with highbrow discussion about politics and then clear up when they leave (they are night owls!) Dh thinks I'm being unbending and stuck in my ways. I said I'd feel different once I can get ds2 in bed by 7 but as it is I don't have the energy but he's welcome to go out to see them. He's in a bit of a huff.

OP posts:

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littlejohnnydory · 21/06/2015 22:20

YANBU - if they came round here at that time they wouldn't see me as I mainly spend the evening feeding the baby and most definitely don't want to socialise in the half hour I get downstairs circa 9pm!

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littlejohnnydory · 21/06/2015 22:23

How is the op going to have a lie in with tiny children, jello - and a baby who feeds all night? Sleep is precious when they're that little and they're not little for long - in a few years you'll be able to keep them up to socialise or do so while they're asleep and they will play together while you chat to friends. I'd kill my dh if he invited anyone round at bedtime but I don't think he'd want to either!

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nikinaki · 21/06/2015 22:27

I see where you are coming from but also I think YABU as it's only a one off! Don't let your social life slip just because you have children. you can catch up on sleep the next day.

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Sceptimum · 21/06/2015 22:42

I'd say YABU to feel that way, given your circumstances, but I can also see your DH might feel differently. It's hard to socialise when you are in that new baby zone but some people (me, for example) are craving some adult conversation and fun at that stage after so long without.

If it were me, I'd plead sleep-dep and go to bed at 10pm with DH having orders to clean up. In fact, we did this several times with guests where one or the other of us would go to bed and the other stay up and socialise a bit. It seemed to work well and our guests never seemed to mind.

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StoppingByTheWoods · 21/06/2015 22:44

I sympathise - but me and DH have lost so much if our social life since having children - I feel really isolated and wish we had friends calling over! We have a few friends left but not many at all

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Lashalicious · 21/06/2015 23:04

It depends on how you feel about the friends. If you look forward to seeing them and you get on well, then I would make the effort. Do it once and see how it goes. You may enjoy it very much! Giggling, relaxing with a glass of wine, having adult or even silly conversation with friends is such a wonderful thing that you've been missing out on, reconnecting like this once every 2-3 weeks may do wonders for your well being.

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Theycallmemellowjello · 21/06/2015 23:06

Oh dear, me and dh have a lie in on the weekend despite having a 1 yo, have done since birth (in fact that's when we started needing it!). But I guess if that's not an option then an afternoon nap? I just mean that it's legit to turf guests arriving at 9 out at 11 or 12 on tiredness grounds so it's only 1 or 2 hours of lost sleep which could be caught up on the next day if it's not a work day.

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butterfly133 · 21/06/2015 23:11

^ but wouldn't you still be knackered if you were getting up at night to feed? Also may depend how lucky you are in terms of when LOs are up?

it sounds to me as if the OP is dropping with tiredness by 10pm and that's the problem. Life won't always be like this so I say do whatever means less tiredness and less faffing!

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pheonix2015 · 22/06/2015 00:01

It's hard to think "make an effort" as it (quite rightly) isn't your priority, but speaking from someone who has older children, I would say make the effort. One night won't kill you, and if it's the weekend, you go to bed first and DH sorts out the dishes, for you to get up in the morning.

You'll be glad to have those 'friend evenings' soon, trust me.
(from a lonely nearly 40 something year old who wishes she kept hold of herself too).

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griselda101 · 22/06/2015 00:13

let them over on the condition that you go to bed when you want to, they know in advance that you are likely to do that and why, and that DH does the entertaining and full cleaning after they have gone.

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BackforGood · 22/06/2015 00:38

I'd have thought it was worthwhile as a one off, or just once in a blue moon, to keep the friendship alive, and also to have a small window of time without the dc there. You could - as others have said, get a lie in the following morning whilst dh gets the dc up and keeps them entertained.

Or, you could find yourself a babysitter that was capable of putting them to bed.

Not only worth it for your friendships, but also your own relationship, IME.

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SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 22/06/2015 03:38

"Dear DH, sounds like fun but I'm going to need a rest beforehand. I will go out to a coffee shop and relax while you get the kids to bed and tidy up and be back before they are due. In return I will make sure to buy wine and nibbles during the week. As you have invited them I'm sure you won't have a problem doing the bedtime routine and getting ready for them. I'm too tired to do both."

Then take the car and have a nap in it. Bet he won't feel like staying up until midnight either.

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PicaK · 22/06/2015 08:23

I get where you are coming from. At that age there never seems to be time to recharge your energy. When you're knackered and getting by on the minimum even 1 hour of extra effort can be the proverbial straw.
Does your DH pull his weight?
I'd be tempted to send him off out on his own. Give it another few months (or 6) and you'll prob have the energy too. Sounds like it's all v hard at the moment. Do you both get equal amounts of free time?

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Plateofcrumbs · 22/06/2015 08:50

I say do it - if you are not that fussed about the friends and the highbrow conversation you have a perfect and utterly reasonable excuse to go to bed after an hour or so and let DH stay up with them.

As long as DH is generally pulling his weight and not going to take the piss (stay up late, get drunk then claim he needs the lie in - that kind of thing) then I think it's a perfectly reasonable suggestion. He should really have checked with you first but it is important to try and stay in touch with friends even when it is a bit challenging.