To feel really sorry for DP regarding Father's Day card.

[Stinkerbellabumsmella]

DP has a DD (4) from a previous relationship. Up until a year ago she was with us 4 nights a week until she moved 75 miles away with her DM to live with her new partner.

DSD announced this morning that she had made a Father's Day card at school for DP but her mum had told her to give it to her partner. Exact words were "i made you a card at school daddy but mum told me to give it to (N/C) Percy."

I felt so sorry for DP, he's such a good dad, he works hard, pays well above what he has to for maintenence, drives the 150 mile round trip every weekend so that he can see her. He's the sort of dad who would've really treasured a handmade card, it would've meant the world to him. He's been really down since this morning and said he feels as though his ex is slowly trying to cut him out of DSDs life (reduced holiday contact, not responding to texts or calls about access, DSDs attitude towards DP slowly deteriorating, mimicking what her DM has said to her etc).

DP suggested to his ex that he could be DSDs RP before she moved, but she refused and said that DSD NEEDED her mum. He threatened to take her to court to get custody but said he didn't want any more animosity between itself and his ex.

I feel desperately for DSD in all of this too, some of the things she comes out with are so sad, you just know someone has planted that seed for her to say it, she seems confused and angry most of the time and we are just focused on trying to make everything as normal and enjoyable when she's here. Like this morning he didn't react when she said, he didn't verbally respond to her but I could tell it had gotten to him.

[Stinkerbellabumsmella]

bonkers have you actually read the thread properly? DP was more or less RP, having DSD at least 4 nights a week, she was settled in her pre school and due to go to a primary school that was local to both DP and his ex.

His ex then told DP that she was moving 75 miles away to live with her new partner, fair enough, but that she would be taking DSD with her. Hang on a minute, you haven't been RP in over 2 years but now you're wanting to move her to a completely different area with a different school, away from everything and everyone she knows. Of course he was prepared to fight for his daughter!! And yes he is lovely, what a stupid thing to say!!

[youareallbonkers]

He threatened to take her to court to get custody? Yeah, he sounds lovely

[WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant]

That is sad. The girl had made the card for her dad, who she still sees.
He should hav the card.
I asked ds if he wanted to send anything to ex for daddy day and he laughed at me. Said "why? He hasn't done anything for us in the last 3years..."
But can I send one to your friend who helps us out sometimes?
Kids know who look out for them! That girl chose her daddy.

[JakieOH]

It doesn't sound like that's the case in the OPs situation though. I think if a RP or indeed a NRP is going to move far awa, to the point it causes an issue with contact then both parents should agree.

That's a different issue to the OPs though, maybe I was wrong to mention it

[jacks11]

JackieOH
what kind of a woman moves her child so far away from a father she has so much contact with in the 1st place?

Whilst not defending the other described actions of the mother of OPs DSD, which are clearly unfair, there are many very good reasons why a RP may have to move away from NRP which have nothing to do with selfishness or spite (and the other way round, obviously).

For instance, I moved away from the area which my ex-h and I lived after we divorced because of work (and I am going to move again for the same reason). I have not done it to cause problems or stop him seeing our DD and he accepts that. It means contact is less often than it was, as it would be too far to drive DD every weekend, but we use Skype, telephone etc to make up for this. If both parties want to make it work, it can be done.

I would also say that it is valid to move as the result of a long-term relationship (i.e. moving to live with your long-term partner). I just can't believe the only fair thing to do is stay in the same area until your child is 16/18 years old, life just isn't that simple. Obviously if you move, then you have to do your best to facilitate contact (e.g. meeting half way).

[JakieOH]

Sometimes there is only so much a NRP can do. If the RP has convinced the child the NRP is useless then that's what they will believe. Soliciter fees etc are horrendous it's often just out of their control ( short of rocking up to the RPs address and refusing to leave which my colleague did and the police ended up getting involved which goes against him)

I'm glad it's worked out okay for oP but sounds as if the mother is heading the way of trying to block out the father. I would be very concerned if I was OPs DP

[StockingFullOfCoal]

Things like this make my blood boil Bitch.

I've had two upset DDs all week because yet again ex has swanned off abroad with his girlfriend and missed Fathers Day for the third year in a row

[sliceofsoup]

This is really sad. DD1 made her dad and my DH a card at school, but I specifically told her to do her dads first and if she didn't have time to make one for her step dad we could make one for him at home. In the end she had time for both.

I have always promoted a good relationship between DD1 and my ex, even though at times doing so had a terrible effect on my mental health. It really makes me sad when I hear about RPs making things difficult for NRPs who do want to be a part of the childs life and do everything they should be doing.

[TrueFact]

I didn't say it was the NRP's fault. Withholding contact and filling your dc's head with crap is despicable obviously. But when you're up against people like OP describes you have to get proactive about it. Keep a paper trail, go to court. If I were a NRP I'd do everything in my power to ensure as much contact as possible, particularly if the RP was like this one.

[JakieOH]

True, if the ex played games perhaps they are as much to blame? If the RP goes out of their way to sabotage the relationship between the child and NRP how is it the NRPs fault?

I know of situations (both fathers as it happens) who would love to see and spend time with their kids but the mothers are just obstructive. There is no justification for it.

[Stinkerbellabumsmella]

She travels 10 miles, so 20 in total but that leaves DP with a 150 miles round trip twice a weekend so it doesn't really cut the mustard but I suppose it's better than nothing.

[TrueFact]

But he does have rights. If the ex is playing games with contact he needs to go to court to sort it legally. And as the ex moved away she should be doing at least half the travelling to facilitate contact.
I know a few men who sat back whinging about the ex playing games who now have rubbish relationships with their kids but they didn't actually do anything about increasing contact.

[Stinkerbellabumsmella]

coffee you have my sympathies. Dads seem to have so little rights when it comes to their children, it really is so sad.

[RandomMess]

Can he arrange to Skype her one evening per week as well?

[coffeeisnectar]

My dp hasn't had a card or even a,call from his youngest. His oldest sent a text. She's abroad but youngest, at 12, has not even skyped, sent a text or rung him. His ex is being so difficult with contact and on his birthday neither of his kids acknowledged it. I feel for him.

[JakieOH]

what kind of a woman moves her child so far away from a father she has so much contact with in the 1st place? Selfish woman and her daughter will realise it as she gets older.

[Stinkerbellabumsmella]

I don't think she was stressed about it and we did make a card together, I think that she innocently mentioned it as kids do, a big deal wasn't made as th last thing DP wanted to do was make a big fuss and make DSD feel bad as the poor kid has enough to deal with really.

[Spotifymuse]

Vega you seem very preoccupied with children as being pay per view. Desperately sad attitude towards kids.

OP YANBU to acknowledge your DPs sadness. I would encourage him not to make a huge deal out of a card though. He's had his daughter with him for Fathers Day and that's the main thing. I'd be organised next year to help DD make a card/ present etc prior to Fathers Day so that way she won't be stressed about having to leave the other card at home.

[Whatthefuckhaveidone]

It's probably best you take control of the special days from now on, that way his ex can't manipulate the situation, dsd isn't being put in an awkward situation and your dp is happy, it will also be some nice bonding time for you and your dsd. It's not ideal, but you can make it work to your advantage.

[Stinkerbellabumsmella]

vvega exactly what I say to DP, in 10 or 15 years time DSD will look back and realise who made all of the effort and will remember when her shit of a mother tried to poison her young child against her father who would move mountains for her.

[Stinkerbellabumsmella]

whatthefuck I get where you're coming from. My dad is a useless piece of shit and I haven't sent him a fathers day card for years and just like your DC I have justifiable reasons for that too.

The thing is that DP makes such an effort with DSD and is a very good dad. And his ex has form for this sort of thing, she's very manipulative.

[Whatthefuckhaveidone]

I cant see how anything I said was mean spirited just offering a different viewpoint.

Without going into details and derailing I am very justified in supporting my dcs choice to not to acknowledge their biological dad today, however if his girlfriend thought I was being a bitch and trying to push my ex out I would fully expect her to do something about it, ie arrange a special day out, buy him a card or present or whatever.

[MadamG]

He's got every right to be upset, I didn't mean to minimise that.