I'm really not BU, am I?

[SquigglyLine]

I have a part-time nanny, who works for another family I know for the other part of the week. It's not a nanny-share, we each employ her separately, I have the nanny for Mon - Wed and she has Thu and Fri. I just happen to know the other family as our DDs go to the same pre-school.

The other family like to take the nanny on holiday with them for a couple of weeks in the summer. They can only do this by swapping days with me, obviously (so they have her for 2 full weeks and then I have her for extra days in other weeks). In March, I gave them a list of dates that I could swap, and said that as time went by, this could change (i.e. if you don't choose early, then particular dates might not be available any more).

Mum has just come back to me today, and wants a week that I originally said was fine, but isn't any more. In fact, I have very little availability to swap any days any more, as I work on the nanny days, and it's too late for me to change things around without inconveniencing other people. Also, i have holiday clubs booked and plans to do things with DC and family/friends for a lot of the other days, so having our nanny on any of those days would be a waste of time now.

We had the same problem last year, and I ended up inconveniencing myself quite a bit, having to work at night to make up missed hours, and feeling annoyed with myself for letting it happen. That's why I gave them dates so early this year.

AIBU to say no swap? I feel really mean, and I know the other mum will think I'm being unreasonable, as the summer is so long, but it is just fully organised now!

[FlorenceMattell]

I'm a nanny
I think the other family have a cheek asking you to swop. Do you want the nanny for the extra days some weeks?
Agree if the nanny wants to do it she should have holiday from your job. But she would have had to give you notice and you could of course say no.
The other family is acting like it is a nanny share IMO. If it was you would both be paying less per hour.
Say No !

[SquigglyLine]

Yeah, there is no way I'm setting up an online calendar, don't worry! I have enough pointless admin of my own to do!

[whois]

I would also totally stop communicating with the other family about this, cant believe people are saying you should set up an online calendar.

[whois]

100% not your problem.

You employ the nanny for certain days. Up to the nanny to take holiday days from your job if she wants to miss work on these days (which it doesn't sound like she wants to do anyway!)

[CocktailQueen]

YANBU! She's taken ages to get back to you instead of being organised, so tough.

You've made plans, so don't change them for her.

Tell her that's why you gave her the dates in advance and explain that you have made other arrangements. I'd also talk to the nanny too and explain the situation.

Maybe nest year, give her a deadline for getting back to you...

[Fatmomma99]

YAabsolutelyNBU.

And I wouldn't phone.... Like you said it could be awkward. I'd do email/text/note in other child's book bag along the lines of:

"Terribly sorry. None of those dates work for us now... I did warn you things would be booked in if you didn't come back quickly. What I can offer now is xxx or xxx or xx (odd days). Sorry if that's not much help - it's why I made sure to contact you early.

Have a good summer

Squiggly"

I would also separately speak to nanny and say hope she's not upset to miss holiday, and to her you can absolutely be frank about what a pain it was for you last year and how it buggered up the summer for everyone.

Hope all ok.

[Eva50]

Could you make other childcare arrangements for the children for those two weeks and get the other family to pay the nanny as you now don't need to swap the days? Next year tell her when you will be away and she can take the same two weeks or leave the nanny home.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Squiggly - for next year, why not set up an online calendar that you and the other family have access to. You could mark on the days that you are willing to swap, and as and when you book things on those days, remove them from the calendar - so the other mum can go in and check the days before booking anything.

Dh and his brother and I have something similar - it was mainly to cope with all the to-ing and fro-ing around dh's and dbil's work, and all the stuff they had to do, to get their late mum's house on the market. It did make things a lot simpler and less stressful.

[The5DayChicken]

I think you should stop dealing with the other family entirely as miscommunication like this is bound to cause bad feeling and awkwardness. It is the nanny's responsibility to discuss shift swaps and leave with you with as much notice as possible if any other their other commitments change. Fretting over potentially disappointing a family who aren't really anything to do with your contract with your employee seems to be an unnecessary stress

[PrimalLass]

I don't think my nanny really wants to do it. She has her own holiday booked for later in the year.

Then just do her a favour and say no

[MarbulousMarvin]

I'd put my foot down this year-start as you mean to go on. Just tell your nanny that you can't accommodate those dates and that last year you had to put yourself out considerably and you don't wish to do that this year or any other for that matter. Tell her in furure you won't be trying to accommodate the other families needs in this way therefore you don't expect to be asked to provide your availability to them. The onus is on the nanny to sort her availability by booking holiday time with you or not and that the nanny and her leave is the only thing you will deal with from now on.

[ApeMan]

^ In my experience it is not generally up to the nanny when families share one, which is good as direct communication avoids awkwardness for the nanny who is after all not being paid for the skill set (or indeed being paid enough) to be doing that.


Anyway OP, YANBU

This is a simple situation, you contact her at the earliest possible time you can and explain that you have had to go ahead and make plans, she will just have to understand. You waited for a few months but there is pressure on you to provide summer fun for your lot as well.

[SquigglyLine]

I don't think my nanny really wants to do it. She has her own holiday booked for later in the year.

But yes, it's all got a bit silly. I will have to put my foot down about next year. I really need 3 months notice to sort out work plans etc. and in nanny contract it has a 3 month notice period on either side for booking holiday. The other family is much more fluid, but I shouldn't have let the fact I know them make it more informal.

[morelikeguidelines]

Yes I am struggling with need to take a nanny on holiday too!

[petalunicorn]

The whole arrangement is strange, your nanny should be sorting it out. If she wants to take leave from you (which is effectively what this is), paid or unpaid she should be arranging it. I would leave the ball in Nanny's court, perhaps she can join them for some of the time and travel back for her work with you.

[Angria]

YANBU, you gave her the dates back in March and she waits until June to decide what weeks she wants.

As you said this is a favour. I would point out to her that this happened last year and caused you considerable problems, you cannot accommodate it this year.

[PrimalLass]

I guess your nanny could now choose to take her annual leave on those days anyway?

Although I'm struggling to get over taking a nanny on holiday anyway.

[SquigglyLine]

Twerk, you are right - it's not my problem and I shouldn't make it my problem, let alone be bothered about it!

[SquigglyLine]

She came back to me via my nanny today (nanny did pre-school drop off for her and gave me the message then). I said to nanny that i'd have to look at my calendar, which I've just done and it's not going to be possible. I could wait till Monday to tell my nanny this, but think it would be better to let other mum know now - will have to ring her later, but I think it's going to be an awkward conversation.

[TwerkingSpinster]

Op, why are you even giving her dates!? She should be asking, with proposed dates herself as early as possible!! You have given yourself 'second class family' status by attempting to enable her holiday as if it were your problem to solve. Stop it! And say no. I'd even tell her sher is a bit 'bad at this organisation stuff' with an airy laugh.

[SquigglyLine]

The 5day - yes, good point, really. I gave the list to my nanny to pass on to the other mum (my nanny asked me to do this). I wrote the bit about dates only being valid for a couple of weeks on the list. But I see the other mum most days at pre-school drop-off, so spoke to her as well to check she'd got it. I didn't keep asking her about it after that though, it hasn't been mentioned at all, and I am usually in a hurry at drop-off so don't linger chatting.

[morelikeguidelines]

I think yanbu but it will probably be hard to make her see it that way! Did you tell her by text or orally?

[kissedbyamoonbeammyarse]

Surely she is checking with you first to make sure it's still ok. Saying something along the lines Marbulous has written would be fine.

[SquigglyLine]

Why would she assume that Ca? The list said on it that the dates were only valid for a couple of weeks and could change after that. Three months have gone past since then. She could have asked me to update the list when she was ready to book (although tbh, it's already too late as there isn't 2 clear weeks I can manage without working now, other than our own holiday, and she doesn't want those 2 weeks).

I think next year, I won't do any list at all. I was just trying to help them out.

[The5DayChicken]

OP, if it's not a nanny share, why are you dealing with the other family at all? Your discussions should really be with your employee, not their other employer.