AIBU to be offended?

[NKfell]

Now, I've got another thread on step parenting which could have gone on here and put one about dogs on here the other day so it's entirely possible that it's me with the problem in my humongous pregnant state.

I should start by saying, I'm not usually easily offended and often eye roll people who are!

My DP's ex and Mum of DSD said "you're lucky your kids hair isn't as bad as yours- it would be a nightmare on a morning!" then said "I don't mean bad as in looks bad- your hair always looks lovely but I bet a lot work goes into it". On it's own, I think I'd have been mildly offended but it follows another statement earlier in the day of "you're lucky your kids have blue eyes, halfcaste kids with blue eyes look very cute". I did say "please don't say halfcaste- it's 2015" and she laughed and said "sorry I know I'm not PC!".

I'm mixed race (blk/whte) and I have very very curly hair that does need to be tamed and I like to think I'm successful 95% of the time.

My kids having blue eyes- well I have a strange feeling I'd find them just as beautiful with brown eyes like mine and that having blue eyes isn't more beautiful than brown.

I agree with her in so far as my children having hair as curly as mine would be epic first thing on a morning BUT...whaaa? I'm offended.

Am I being sensitive? If I am, I'm sorry because I actually hate people getting offended too easily and the PC brigade can completely get on my nerves...but, am I being sensitive?

[NKfell]

amarmai what?

[amarmai]

btw the 'oversensitive' allegation is meant to shut you up. You seem to have internalised this and apply it to yourself. MAybe some counselling for you and your kids would be good- i'd add the ex--BUT ?!

[NKfell]

I spoke to DP about it- after all he knows her better than me!

He said he has noticed she is very aware that I'm non white and said she often brings things up to him that are irrelevant and it apparently makes him a bit uncomfortable but he thinks it's because she doesn't know anyone and has never even worked with anyone non white so she's curious about some things.

He thinks now I'm more in her life after moving in with DP I've ended up bumping into her more often so I'm noticing it more.

He thinks she's ignorant and believes some stereotypes but he said he's never heard her say halfcaste before so can only assume she was being a bit catty.

I just think that curiosities should be tended to with better manners.

[sonjadog]

I think she sounds a bit racist, but I am wondering if it is because she doesn't know any non-white people, or is it because she is in fact a hardened racist. It sounds like it could be the former, and her comments are from curiousity rather than spite.

I think you could just tell her to shut up and be done with it. Or you could engage with it and see if she is curious or racist. Maybe she really wants to ask about things but doesn't feel she can and her comments are coming out the wrong way?

[Itsmethechubbyfunster1]

It doesn't sound like she was trying to be spiteful but YANBU AT ALL to be offended at her use of what is widely accepted to be a rascist term of phrase!

[MyFriendsCallMeOh]

She's your DP's ex - do you have a strained relationship with her anyway? Are you likely to be more sensitive to her comments than if someone else had said the same thing?

The phrase "half caste" is not pc, is outdated and no longer used because it causes offence. She know's it's offensive - she admitted as much.

Saying your kids are cute because of their colouring however, I would imagine is fine. My dd has a friend who looks like princess Merida (gorgeous bright red hair, blue eyes) and I have mentioned to her mum that she has very pretty features. Doesn't mean that I'm saying her mum or her sister (brown hair, brown eyes) are no less lovely.

Do you think she knows that you would pick up on these things and be affronted by them, but is treading a thin line? Trying to have a dig but make it look innocent?

Tbh, I'd stick an imaginary two fingers up at her and thank my stars that I'm not that petty or "un-pc"

[ItsRainingInBaltimore]

She shouldn't have said half caste, she' young enough to know better. The rest I think you are just being a bit oversensitive because you are PG and she is your partner's ex. But it very much depends on how she's saying these things to you. If your gut tells you she's having little passive aggressive digs then you are probably right. She's possibly deliberately saying things that are dressed up as compliments but always leaving you in slight doubt about whether she's being catty or not.

[rootypig]

She's obviously stupid, but being stupid doesn't mean you're not racist. Which, you know, she is.

YABU to slag off the "PC brigade", whoever they may be, because without the idea of political correctness, this country would be a far worse place to live, for you, your kids, and many others.

[Andylion]

OP, her comments reminded me of this.
www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-3056811/Good-Samantha-Armytage-causes-outrage-congratulates-one-million-mixed-race-twin-fair-skin-sister-darker-complexion-watches-on.html

[lunalelle]

And 'I'm not PC' suggests 'I don't think I have to be polite to you'.

[lunalelle]

My DD is of mixed heritage, and I would be offended. Using terms like 'half-caste' just makes a person sound poorly-educated.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

sleep I know. However, I am massively more likely to spend the time and effort on someone who is nice, well-meaning and sexist then someone who is hateful and misogynist. I have seen people do that 'ting' light bulb thing. Then some don't... Not that NK has to be the equalities officer for her DP's ex.

[Iflyaway]

DS is mixed race. Luckily we live in a very tolerant country with loads of all kinds of mixes.

I hate the saying "Half-caste". The last time I heard it - about 20 years ago - I just said "Really? Which half do you mean?"

Made them think tho!

[amarmai]

My 3 kids are mixed race and the questions re that are never ending. I stopped answering a long time ago . Trust your gut and make sure your kids understand what they have to deal with ,ask them how they feel when they hear these comments. When the ex is picking up or dropping off your DSD, let her do it at the doorstep.

[sleeponeday]

Mrs Terry - do you know some men who are massively sexist while basically well-meaning and who would be horrified at any notion that they're sexist? The "I can't be sexist! I love the little ladies!" type? They exist as racists, too. We live in a massively racist world, and most racism isn't actually conscious or knowing. It's the unexamined consequence of our society's subliminal messages, just as sexism is.

Do you ever even notice, how few women or people who aren't white are on the TV? It's interesting, but studies consistently show that if you get over 30% representation, audiences start to think women and non-whites are in an overwhelming majority. The following is about sexism, but applies just as much to racism.

If the only racists and sexists were arseholes, the battle would have been won a long time ago.

[sleeponeday]

It's a depressing reality that someone can be well-meaning while making massively problematic comments like that. She isn't necessarily or even probably a nasty or malicious racist, but her comments and attitude are racist. Benign racism is still racism. And it's a micro-aggression as a result to have to deal with that crap.

Have you ever seen this?

[NKfell]

It might be that I just don't like the term half caste, I don't find European features 'lucky' and I don't appreciate someone saying 'sorry' to me when referring to immigration.

I might be instantly on the defensive but why not just say they look cute with darker skin and blue eyes? In fact, they're not even dark skinned or dark haired- they're more caramel. I'm now thinking, does that make me unlucky being fairly dark skinned with dark brown eyes?

As the night rolls on and I'm tired wrestling heartburn it's possible I'm becoming more grumpy and sensitive and unreasonable!

I'm going to sleep on it- grump tank is full.

[IFinishedTheBiscuits]

I didn't read any malice in the comments, but again difficult to know without being there.
Me, my brother, and sister are mixed race, and I do think they were really lucky to get blue eyes, whereas I got brown. They've both got darker skin than me too, so look really striking.

[AdeleDazeem]

NKfell if you do start feeling uncomfortable maybe try fighting fire with fire. She says 'Isn't it lucky that your lovely kids have blue eyes?' You reply 'Do all white people think blue eyes are somehow better than brown?'

She says 'Of course you know most of them are trying to have a baby with an English bloke so that they can stay in the country. Oh, sorry NKfell, I so totally dont mean you, lol, I'm such a PC free zone.' You could say 'Oh that's perfectly alright, Mrs. Cuntweasel, I know you didn't mean anything by it. Racists never do.' If she gets offended and denies being a racist you can simply reply 'No, I so totally didn't mean you, lol.'

[JemimaPuddlePop]

I think you are being oversensitive.

I've read the comments a few times and can't see any malice behind them.

It's fairly unusual for mixed race kids (or adults) to have blue eyes isn't it? And dark hair or skin and light eyes is very striking...so they're 'lucky' they have a less common mix of features that makes them stand out.

And to be honest, very curly hair IS a nightmare, even though it can look very nice. Both of my sisters have tight ringlet curls, and I've watched my mum wrestling with them for years...although both of them are beautiful, I thanked my lucky stars that my dc both have poker straight hair!

[FryOneFatManic]

MrsDeVere Mon 11-May-15 20:15:50
Someone trying to be friendly and complimentary would say 'I like your hair, it looks nice'.

I agree. Simple, with no undertones of any sort. And as for the DCs, she didn't have to mention eye colour, just something like "your kids are cute".

Sounds to me like she was having a pop.

[NKfell]

The hair thing would've made me think- cheeky git. It was mainly coupled with the earlier comment and a few other things prior.

People comment on my hair all the time- most people imagine it's a nightmare and it never offends me.

I'm honestly not usually sensitive and I want to see the best in this situation, that's why I asked for opinions and I'm thankful for them.

[Andylion]

I heard it as 'lucky not have african features' but I don't even feel comfortable saying/typing that- because she couldn't mean that could she?!
OP, I'm afraid that's how I read it, and combined with your other posts here, it does seem to indicate a racist.

But is she racist or just really ignorant? MrsTerry, the two aren't mutually exclusive.