to ask whether you prefer the 'confrontation' or 'ignoring' approach (MIL related. Of course.)

[Jewels234]

I am, for context, a good 3 - 4 years from having children. However, I'm getting married next year, and it came up over Christmas that my PIL will be expecting (and insisting) that I go back to work and they provide all my future children's childcare.

Sounds wonderful in theory. In practice they are so overbearing, I can't deal with having them in my life every day. They are already extremely upset that our wedding isn't religious, purely for the purposes of getting our future unborn children into a C of E/Catholic School (I'm not happy they are dictating a religion for my unconceived children). They are hugely controlling. And most importantly, shouldn't the decision about whether I go back to work be left up to me and my future husband?! It is not his parents' business. In addition, my MIL is extremely lonely, no friends/hobbies, with a husband who works constantly. It has been made pretty clear that she is keeping her life free so that she can bring up my children. They are hard work, and only ever add stress to my life.

It's so far away, but I feel compelled that next time it comes up with them to say that as an FYI, they will not be providing childcare 5 days a week. We could afford nurserys etc., and from a 'my wellbeing' perspective I already know that I couldn't cope with their extra level of involvement in our lives. It will cause a huge fall out, they will be upset.

Or should I just leave it to future Jewels to sort?

[trilbydoll]

It depends if breezy comments will make any impact as well - a few years of continual slightly ridiculous comments like "I might like to be a lady of leisure" / "who knows, you could be old and decrepit by then" / "we might not even have children, I like lie ins too much" could sow the seeds without a full blown argument. But if she is the type to not even hear them, then you will need the confrontation.

[meandjulio]

The thing is that your dh may not even know what he thinks about this - having children is different. He may think 'oh yes of course I will back Jewels up' but when his mother is standing in the kitchen and telling him that she knows best about childcare while the baby screams due to everyone being so tense and while Jewels and he are still learning about babies, it's a whole new world.

Can you talk to the wives/partners of any male cousins he has, particularly if they have children? What have been the pressure points for them? Or maybe female cousins who have grown up in this country and have awareness of how balancing the culture impacts on them would be helpful?

I think any low key comments you make will be ignored. I wouldn't advise confrontation but I think you may have to be clear about this. 'I think paying for childcare will be a much better idea so that we don't argue, because there are quite a lot of differences between us and I don't want to fall out' might be one way forward. And ask her how she got on with her own mother in law.

[Pilgit]

My mother was the child of imigrants that came from a similar culture. However as they decided to stay living here (they had no choice really but that's another story) they accepted that certain cultural things would end up being different as their children wouldn't grow up in the same environment.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Jewels, you haven't said what your fiance's stance is on his parents. Will he go along with what they want, or not? Is he his own man, or lives to do their bidding?

There is a big difference between you and he being able to present a united front against them, and you being backed into a corner by all three. If he's inclined to 'not make a fuss', or 'not upset mum' or anything else that means you'd be on your own against the lot of them - now is the time to have that long chat with him and establish whether your and his view of marriage are compatible.

But I fear you haven't already said what his stance is because either you haven't had that chat yet, or you already know he's a mummy's boy .

[fluffyraggies]

Your DH to be's stance on this is very important IMO.

If he thinks the same as you then there's no problem. (Just start practicing the smile and the no, thanks).

If he's going to side with his parents about this, then this is going to escalate. I'd also say that if this is the case then the problem will probably rear it's head in some other form before any DCs arrive.

[littleleftie]

YANBU but as usual, this is a potential DH problem rather than MIL problem.

What does DH say about MILS plans to take over your role? If he isn't going to let you run far far away back you up then I wouldn't marry him to be frank.

Nothing less fanciable than a weak mummys boy.

[CPtart]

What will they expect of you in return as they age? Will you be expected to care for them? Are those their cultural expectations?
There are red flags in all areas here, and IMO unless you move far away, this relationship wouldn't be one I'd seriously question moving to the next level.

[Cauliflowersneeze1]

Have they chosen the names for your future children too ?

Agree with all the other posters , YANBU

[Boomtownsurprise]

Drudge - excellent analogy

[Boomtownsurprise]

How old are they? They have no idea how age is going to affect them. To make promises like this is frankly unfair and absurd.

My parents at 65 and 72 were prepared to help one day a week. The reality of having a baby was very different to their memories.

My mil (wanted me dead...) offered and despite being younger struggled, knee issues meant strength in lifting continually was greatly reduced. She eventually had to admit/was forced to (bugger off) leave gracefully.

Both times was a freakin pita.

I would treat like a slightly dotty aunt tbh. Humour and diplomacy around a core of steel. Your child, your way. Keep them warm for baby sitting but I'd be very wary about ft childcare. It just is not realistic.

[ChocLover2015]

I think you are bonkers to even give it a milliseconds thought if you are not even going to start trying for children for several years!!

[MonstrousRatbag]

The thing you have to do, urgently, before you get married is talk frankly to your fiance and see what his position is on all of this. If he disagrees with you that may not be so bad, you can keep talking and find agreement and compromises. If he won't face it or wants everything kicked into the long grass, beware.

[manchestermummy]

My MIL also kept her life empty as it were so that she could look after our children. We use pretty much every type of childcare (paid) that one could use. We had years of MIL trying to make us feel horribly guilty for not using her as childcare. She does 1.5 hours a week for us - we need it and she wants to help. However, we now have an issue because she has been picking up dd1 from school who now is doing an after school activity. Mil is upset. What am I supposed to do? Not let my child do an activity because Mil might be upset? No, absolutely not.

We only have two terms left of this arrangement for which there are no alternatives so we can go back to doing it 100 per cent our way.

Trust me OP, unless you can be confident that your Mil will look after your child to a standard you would be happy with, then you need to use paid childcare. Don't even discuss it with her. She mentions it again, point out (actually get your dp to point out) that this child has yet to be conceived and change the subject.

[drudgetrudy]

I read somewhere that assertiveness is a dial (like an oven thermostat) rather than a switch.
In every individual situation you need to decide your priority.
If you feel very strongly about having your own way or setting a boundary then turn the dial up to max, if maintaining the relationship has more importance then turn the dial down.
So for less important things ignoring and stalling can work but more important things need to be confronted directly and of course there are degrees in the middle between insisting and compromising.

[Mammanat222]

Agree with sewing the seeds, but also keep your options open.

Childcare is ludicrously expensive and you may find MIL is different with any future children - so don't rule her out completely but also make it clear that you do not want her to sole childcare.

[silveroldie2]

I had a longish term BF and felt pretty confident about our relationship until we went to visit his mother. I won't go into details but suffice to say it was made clear to me without being put into words that he would support her over me every single time. He was an archetypal mummy's boy and would never change. That ended our relationship. It didn't stop me loving him or missing him but I knew our lives would be intolerable with her always being in control.

So you need to make very sure that your DP and you are 100% together on the important things in your lives now and in the future because his mother will only get worse, not better.

[RandomNPC]

You only have to read MN for a very short time to strongly recommend that you don't sleepwalk into this! I think you both need to establish firm boundaries now.

[justmyview]

Lots of "Thanks for the kind offer, we'll see nearer the time" is a good strategy.

I'd be paying a LOT of attention to how your DP reacts to his parents. Don't kid yourself that he'll rebel more post-marriage. If he's not on your side now, I think you're at risk of experiencing conflict later on

[ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO]

Look at the problem from another point of view.

Is it kinder to be quiet and say nothing and her dreaming of having a purpose again...or better to as you say manage expectations now, and make syre by the time dc arrive she knows whats expected of her.
in some ways your lucky as change takes time and by laying boundaries now, by the time DC come along you may have a workable situation whereby they are more flexible and reasonable as they know whats what....

[ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO]

From my own experience yielding even a tiny bit to people like that encourages them to keep pushing until they get their way.

I totally agree

[HalfPintPortia]

I wouldn't marry this man. I would cut the ties before marriage and children make it more difficult. I doubt your partner will support you in the future and will defer to his mother and you will be miserable.

Disclaimer: I have no evidence to support this theory - just experience from observing a friend in a similar situation.

[Shhhtellnoone]

I think OP you should start as you mean to go on. From my own experience yielding even a tiny bit to people like that encourages them to keep pushing until they get their way.

Set firm boundaries now. I also have PILs that are 1st gen immigrants and the amount of control they wield over mine and H's life is scary- this in turn has affected our relationship and my self esteem and confidence.

Agree with PP's about living a good distance away, that way it's not practical for them to offer childcare services - unless they may up sticks and come and love near you!

It all sounds terribly paranoid and drastic but people like this don't change and can have a disaster ours effect on your relationship. I don't want to be cynical but setting firm boundaries now may also give you an idea as to how supportive future DH will be in terms of dealing with them, if he is at all wishy washy and defensive of them I would run for the hills personally.

[BOFster]

At the moment this feels like an issue with his parents, from what you are saying, but it will inevitably become a bone of contention in your relationship with your partner over time, as he is already allowing them to be a domineering presence in your life, despite your obvious discomfort.

Are you sure this is really what you want?

[ChampagneAndCrisps]

I agree with everyone else. My MIL was bad enough wanting to be 'mum' and FIL 'dad'... And we lived 200 miles away. I genuinely think our marriage would not have lasted if we'd lived any closer and she could have got even more involved.
Please think very carefully.
My early days with my children were spoiled fighting off her over-involvement and open criticism of me. I do think Grandparents are very important and we have an ok relationship now.
At least your future MIL has shown her true colours.
Discuss it with your future husband, but if he doesn't understand , think very carefully as to whether you really want to be further involved with this family.

[PulpsNotFiction]

I think you need to address this now, not specifically the childcare issue for children who haven't been born yet, but the expectations around your future pils, and how your future DH is going to handle it.
Does he feel the same as you or the same as them? If it's the latter then you're setting yourself up for a miserable time I'm afraid. Frank discussions with DP Asap.