AIBU to think people who know my situation might just think before they say "Happy New Year"

[onesister]

I'm currently watching the person I have lived with for more than half my life die. And yet people who know us and our situation still ring up and call in to wish us a "Happy New Year". AIBU to think they are thoughtless twits. I know it's a difficult, what do you say in such a situation but today I have found it nearly impossible to not scream at them. Just what sort of Happy New year do they think I'm going to have.

[CarbeDiem]

For you One and you too Brum
Thoughts are with you both.

Yanbu, by the way. It's just one of those things said isn't it? without much thought behind it. I'll bet a few of the people that said it thought to themselves after ''What the F**K have I just said''

[IceBeing]

to all having a hard time at the moment. I think wishing people a peaceful new year is a great suggestion. I will use it in future for people for whom a happy new year is an impossibility.

[SorchaN]

I think you're right - people don't know what to say, especially if they've never been through a close bereavement (and sometimes even if they have). I said dozens of stupid things to people before I knew better - I cringe sometimes when I remember. After my father died I finally had a better idea about what not to say... knowing what to say is still sometimes a challenge. I'm sorry things are so hard for you.

[Viviennemary]

I agree. They shouldn't say it. But should just call to say hello. YANBU.

[MrsMcRuff]

It can be hard for some people who have not the life experineces to realise how it must feel heaing such "innocent" words.

I think most people who utter the words 'Happy New Year' have a back story of some sort. I don't think there are many who haven't had to cope with some difficulty or tragedy in their lives. I suppose it's the triumph of hope over experience.

I do think, though, that when people know that someone is currently having a awful time of it, they should be sensitive enough to adjust their greeting accordingly.

[PenelopePitstops]

To you.

I can see both sides here. Whilst happy new year is probably the wrong thing to say, what else do they say? I spent the evening with a lady dying of pancreatic cancer, we still all wished each other a happy new year. Similarly a close relative died last Christmas, I didn't get offended by people wishing me a happy Christmas.

Remember people are all different, we all think and act differently and what is upsetting / offensive to you may be comforting to another person. Grief affects people in different ways.

[MorrisZapp]

Yes, exactly what Penélope said. Speaking to people suffering awful difficulties or tragedies in their lives is fraught with problems. I've always preferred for people to say something, anything rather than avoid me or feel embarrassed.

I've said clumsy things many times, so I can see exactly why people speak as they do, blatant cruelty notwithstanding of course.

So sorry you're facing the loss of your loved one, mn is great for all kinds of support.

[Jux]

I'm so sorry, onesister. I hope you do find peace in 2015. Be kind to yourself

[saoirse31]

agree with penelope. even though you know that someone is or will be going through something v traumatic I think you can still wish them happiness ... but people are all different

[PingPongBat]

So sorry OP, that you are going thought such hard times

My MIL wished me a happy new year on the phone and said 'let's hope this year is a better one, eh?’ and I nearly burst into tears on the spot. I can quite understand what she was trying to do - be happy and upbeat and encouraging - but all I could think of was that 2015 will be the year I lose my Mum

[WheresMrMonkey]

So sorry

[MissMess]

My heart really goes to you, onesister.
I am normally a bit of a lurker, but I just wanted to send some good thoughts your way.

Even if people have good intentions, where you are at now you are allowed to be offended. It is also good to have someone or something to be angry about/at when you are experiencing loss, and very natural.

It is a strange ting, all this traditions, one notices when losses occurs.
My fiance passéd away on new years eve six years a go. It was totally unexpected and caused by an aneurism in his brain. Our daughter was three weeks old at the time, so his death timing was mildly put not good (he was in general not good with timing anyway, so I guess it did kind of fit. But he was very good at all the rest :) ).

But people around me, both close an distant friends, all had really big trouble of what to dowith me on new years eve! Or birthdays, christmas, bumping into me on the street for that sake, you name it. I was awkward. Both their conventional greetings and some peoples lack of conventional greetings (or lack of contact at all) made me fuming inside. It all felt so fake and meaningless, and sometimes like they almost were mocking me, and I had to sit there and nod and smile and say thank you, wish them a happy new year as well, even if I felt sick by the thought of the future.

Time had passed and now people seems to have forgot all about it, and don't treat me awkward anymore.
Thinking of it it might be the awkwardness that makes you react.
I think people don't know what to do or how to react because we have turned death into something taboo and in some ways NOT a part of life (except death of grandparents, then you sometimes are not allowed to greave because "they were so old, anyway")

Encounters whit that kind of baggage is still not easy, and new situations brings new challenges.
Now I feel sorry for all the people feeling helpless and scared when meeting me at the time. I even laugh about some situations, even though laughter and crying still are very closely knitted together. I am not angry anymore,
But that has taken some years and can only happened because I got solid ground under my feet again.

I don't know why I´m telling you my story, but you really touched a spot and I just wish I could do something to really help you.
But be angry, find those people you can rely on, and preferably a place where you actually can scream and shout.

Wish you all good, and all the best to you!

(Sorry about grammar/spelling, my english is rusty!)

[scousadelic]

I think those wishing you Happy New Year do not intend to cause upset and are probably thinking that they should maintain some semblance of normality rather than have you think they are avoiding you or don't care.

I have a close friend who lost a child a while ago and am always conscious of not wanting to upset her if she is having a better day but also of never wanting her to feel I have forgotten or am minimising the sorrow. It can be hard to know when to say something or not sometimes, must be even harder for those who don't know you that closely

I am sorry to hear about your situation and wish you strength and peace.

[StripedCandycaneOss]

Yab a little unreasonable, but justifiably so... I was you this time last year, in the midst of ITU/hdu, nurses bustling, wishing it would be a happy new year. My dad had just pulled through a dance with deaths door, was still with us, but was slowly dying, my dh had just been made redundant. It was shit, but I didn't begrudge people wishing us a happy year.. It gave a little hope...

They mean well, even if it misses the mark. Don't think too harshly of them.

[cricketpitch]

Different people, different situations. I am very sorry to hear that some of you are going through such horrible times - very sad.

People frequently say the wrong thing. I never know what to say - whether to ignore or refer to something, to pointedly NOT say Happy Xmas/New Year/ Easter/have a nice weekend etc or to try to adapt it a bit or just say it because everyone says it.

Personally I preferred people to acknowledge my loss once but still include me in the traditional greetings - it just made it easier. So we are all different.

Terrible for you OP and others here and I do wish you strength and better things in the future but mostly people are just doing their best.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

People don't mean to be thoughtless and all depends how you want people to respond - to say something and possibly put foot in it or ignore /say nothing

And with happy new year it's what people say without thinking - but doesn't make it easier for you

After my dh died people didn't know what to say to me (fair enough) or said something like 'was so funny I almost died laughing' then looked awful and blushed and muttered sorry etc

but personally I peefered that rather then being ignored or delib ignored and cross the road to avoid me

Same as when my dear mum died last year (weird saying that as of a day ago it was this year) as been 5mths and people say hope next year is better

Or after 2 failed attempts at private ivf and £11k spent - oh well not meant to be - or you can try again

What I am trying to say - and not very well lol - is that people don't mean to upset you in what they say - but often they do - and yes sure they feel bad - but not as bad as we do

Sorry to all those who have lost a baby or partner through illness or accident - life sucks - but almost 4yrs later From Dh dying I can say that life is good (obv I wish dh was here but isn't and never will be) and apart from dm dying and me not being a mum - things that I can't change - but life goes on

Hope havnt offended

[drudgewithagrudge]

My Dh also has a short time to live and I found Christmas and New Year very hard. It even upset me putting up a new calendar.
I know most people mean well but now and then you get an idiot like a "friend" of Dh who was talking about an event happening in a few months time and said,"Ofcourse you won't be around by then." Could have choked him.

[PacificDogwood]

I do think people often use platitudes because they don't actually know what to say in difficult situations AND they don't stop to consider what said platitude actually means.

Wishing you all the strength and fortitude you need to face this new year.

[GretnaGreen]

now and then you get an idiot like a "friend" of Dh who was talking about an event happening in a few months time and said,"Ofcourse you won't be around by then."

[newyearsresolutionsnotforme]

I think people can be very thoughtless, usually it's not meant cruelly it is just thoughtless but that doesn't stop it hurting. When my friend was poorly, long term so, I told her I was think of her and sent her love- I knew everyone celebrating made it harder. Happy New year, would have been upsetting to her.

[Sallystyle]

My kids had the same last year when their dad died.

I guess they just didn't think. It was never going to be a happy year and its a stupid thing to say, but so much better than the people who stopped talking to them completely because they didn't know what to say.

OP and everyone else who has shared their stories.

[Coumarin]

YANBU.

It's not hard to put a bit of thought into it before you open your mouth. Especially when the person you're speaking to has obviously terrible things going on in their lives.

A couple of people I sent Christnas cards to have suffered bereavement in the previous year so I was careful to send a neutral card and avoided the ones about 'all your wishes coming true' and some that mentioned being with all those you love.

All I can think is that those that just say these things do it because 1. They don't really mean it and say it because that's the done thing, and 2. Have been very lucky to have never experienced grief and loss.

[Meloria]

People use general greetings and it's not realistic to expect everyone to tailor their greeting for you. It's important to accept the sentiment generally rather than look at the exact words used.

My credit card company writes to me "Dear Meloria" and I write "Dear Barclaycard" back. We are in no way dear to one another but it's just what people say. Yes, it feels sad when the new year is likely to be anything but joyful but try to be grateful people are wishing you the best.

[LRB978]

If I have to give a general one line greeting, I use 'wishing you all the best for xxxx', but after a horrendous 2+ years, I no longer use 'happy new year' or similar, instead my texts/facebook/cards say the following:

I no longer wish people a happy or prosperous year, as it has been proven so many times over recent year that so many people don't. What I wish for is that people have the best year they can, and that if shit happens, in whatever form, you have the strength to work through it and come out the other side, with the support and encouragement of those you consider friends and family to help you on your way. Love and peaceful thoughts to all xxx

I also look out for cards with appropriate messages in rather than generic ones (so not wishing you a fantastic day or similar in birthday cards) where required because I know the greeting isnt suitable.