To rehome my labradoodle

[Namechan9e]

Sorry, this isnt about a puppy but DH may nosey on here and also I manipulatively know that a title like that would get traffic - please don't berate me for that. Have namechanged for this thread.

Backstory is been married 25 years, mostly happily but with some bumpy bits. MIL is 90 and has recently had an op on her hand which has limited her activities (previously she was very independent). BIL recently diagnosed with a degenerative disease which has nasty side effects has mostly taken on 24 hour caring role with DH. This is supported by carers x 2 a day to do personal stuff.

BIL has willingly taken all the decisions and has the tendency to still treat dh like his silly little brother. Dh has done his best and has taken 2 weeks off his stressful ft job so he can be with his mum 24 hours when his brother had appointments etc (as that's what his brother has decided she requires).

This has been going on since end Sep and I am sick of it. dh is grumpy and miserable a there's no end in sight (last night she'd lost her footing on the stairs even though we'd had another bannister put in) and also her op isn't healing as it should be.

I feel that BIL chose to be his mums carer at the detriment to his wife and family who live elsewhere. He is quite comfortable with this as it prob makes him feel useful. But he expects dh to step in at will and to continue and to make the same choice as he has. This is making dh so miserable and in turn making me miserable.

Last night I was chewing this over and was awake half the night. I decided that dh needed to hear how I felt which was a] that I was happy to sit down with MIL/BIL/SIL/DH and discuss as a family how we could sort this situation best but that I wasn't up for being dictated to by BIL even though I know that's for dh to manage. and b] I wasn't up for being a carer and am not going to take on that role (I've stayed with her days/nights so dh could go out etc but hated every minute). I worry so that this is going to grow and grow and every Thurs -Mon dh will be living with her so his brother can go home - that's what BIl is inferring now.

Anyway the conversation this morning didn't go well. DH has told me he's never asked me to be a carer (fair enough he hasn't but he's so utterly miserable about all this it is impacting) and he's told me he doesn't want us all to sit down together and talk. He's also devastated about his brothers diagnosis and knows that increased stress and anxiety is part of this and if he doesn't go along with what his brother wants, his brother gets massively anxious.

I so feel for dh, he's between a rock and a hard place but AIBU in telling him a] Im disengaging from it all and b] he needs to set boundaries/timescales c] his family take priority over his mothers needs.

[Namechan9e]

Anyway thank you for all your responses. It does help to talk and thanks also for the heads up about the other board - I'll join it.

[Davsmum]

Part of the deal with having children is making sure that you have someone to care for you in your old age.
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NotYouNaanBread Seriously??!

[SheffieldWondered]

What would happen if you completely backed off and accepted that your DH is going to do this even though it's not nessecerily the sensible way of handling it. If you were more supportive of your DH would he be less stressed? (I'm not saying you are not supportive now ) Might you be able to facilitate more change if you were seen to be more sympathetic (again, I am not saying you are unsympathetic now ). If you accept this is their issue to deal with and that you are not going to get overly involved might you feel less irritated by it. Iyswim

How far away is your mil house? Could your DH go there later in the evening.

My MIL is very elderly and loves the fact that her sons rush around looking after her. She is forever telling people what wonderful sons she has. Its all a bit guilt trippy but it's also understandable. I think she is a bit lonely and a bit scared and I get that she enjoys being fussed. I very much just let them get on with it and I never complain if my DH stays with her or buys her things. No one expects me to do anything which helps. I get on well with my MIL and she really likes me but I'm not her daughter.

[SheffieldWondered]

Btw does your MIL have one of those alarm buttons that you wear around your neck?

[LingDiLong]

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I can totally imagine my MIL wanting a similar set up as she gets older - she has a carer, a stair lift, commode etc. She also has a cleaner and a gardener. All of this allows her to remain in her home and be independent. She has been pretty resistant to it at times though - she would absolutely love to have her children running themselves ragged doing it all for her. Luckily DH and his sister are on the same page. They do loads for her - shopping, DIY, ferrying to hospital appointments but they give equal priority to their own families. SIL and her family pop in every day because they live very close. None of this is really deemed to be enough but, quite frankly, even if they DID run themselves ragged it still probably wouldn't be enough.

It's important that everyone strikes a balance; yes, his mother is his family but so are you. Plus your DH needs to take care of himself as well. And, you know what, it's really not good for anyone to have 24 hour care if they don't need it. I am convinced that my MIL would be in a lot worse shape physically and mentally if my SIL had taken on a 24 hour caring role - as it is my MIL HAS to carry on doing some tasks for herself which has kept her slightly more active and mobile than she otherwise would have been. OP, can you take this approach with your MIL? What does her GP think? I'm sure they wouldn't advocate her being fussed over 24-7.

[beavington]

Feel sorry for your kids naan bread.

Op yanbu! But there is nothing you can do about it. Resolve will only come from the two brothers discussing things. Your mil may genuinely need 24 hour care one day, whats the point in them martyring themselves til then? I think you should let your feelings be known but not degrudge what your dh decides to do as hes in a difficult position and wants to do the right thing. He just hasnt come to terms with what ths right thing is!

[Mrsstarlord]

It sounds like you didn't deal with the situation brilliantly to be honest, your husband is already feeling stressed and like he has a lot of pressure and you have just piled on even more emotional pressure by making him feel guilty, I'm not surprised that he reacted the way that he did.

I would suggest that the conversation needs to be had in very practical terms rather than being emotionally loaded - what does she need, what does she want, who is going to provide it. You need to get an assessment from a social services occupational therapist in terms of what her level of need is. This will inform what the LA provide but it will also tell you in terms of her abilities what is needed. Anything over and above that is up to you as a family how you deliver it and who supports it. Bear in mind that it isn't just practical support but social and emotional that she will get from having contact with her sons.

[sparechange]

I was with you up until his family take priority over his mothers needs.
His mother is his family.

It sounds like she is rather aware of her failing health, but is trying to put on a brave face and refuse to acknowledge that she is becoming an 'old lady' who needs things like stair lifts, but that is a conversation for BIL and your DH to have with their mum. Not for you to make him chose between you and her.

[becominglessofalurker]

In a hurry so not read many replies, so sorry if already said but ur husband's mum IS his family! You should also consider that his mum might not be around for much longer whereas you nd any dc will be.

[CleanLinesSharpEdges]

What does BIL's wife make of this set up? Can you talk to her about it?

[NewEraNewMindset]

OP you are really not coming across too well in your post I'm afraid. Your MIL is very ill and not really recovering from a recent operation and her primary carer, your BIL has recently been diagnosed with a severe degenerative condition and yet somehow you are trying to curry sympathy online for your non-role in all of this.

Yes growing old is a total fucking pain in the arse, it's true. My FIL is bed bound currently with Parkinsons, his brother just died, he had Alzheimers. My MIL has a condition that causes non-cancerous growths to appear all over her body and she has a lot of pain, yet still cares for my FIL with the help of part time carers.

My Father has a whole heap of health problems that causes him to spend most of the day immobile with his head on the table, my Mother is currently well and looks after my Father and so my Sister's children. My DP has Multiple Sclerosis, currently the mild form but could switch to progressive and in 10 years time I could be caring for him and he could be in a wheelchair.

So your situation is not unique. It does sound as though your DH will have up help his DB more from this point and I would imagine he was hoping you might support him emotionally if nothing else! Surely that's mind of the point of getting married, sickness and in health, good and bad times etc.

[mkmjimmy]

OP - I can quite understand why you are feeling like your views don't matter here. There are some really judgy replies on here - and I too wonder whether those people have ever looked after someone long term.

Not everyone is suited to it for a start - it's stress and strain even for those to whom it comes naturally. We had carers for my mum - dementia and trying to stay independent - but we all ended up having to chip in and do personal care in an emergency - as did my brothers, none of us were really equipped emotionally or otherwise to do that.

Didn't mean we didn't love her - but it's grinding and takes over you entire life if you let it. The family isn't just your MIL it's you, your kids, your BIL and his family and your husband. It has to be taken as a whole - and it sounds like that isn't happening.

[Namechan9e]

Interesting to read your views, thank you all for commenting. I take your point about supporting DH emotionally while he decides with his brother how best to deal with this. Sheffield I'm sort of heading where you are, I think.

A couple of answers to q's are yes she has the alarm thing round her neck and BIL's wife isn't unhappy that he's up here rather than at home. There's a whole subtext there though, I think.

[diddl]

How does your husband not doing as he is told by his brother make his brother anxious?

It sounds as if you haven't approached it all that well with your husband, but tbh, someone taking on something that they didn't want to do & then moaning about it would probably piss me off too.

If your husband works full time he must realistically see that there is a limit to the "slack" that he can pick up for his brother & that 24/7 between them might not be doable.

As for the stairlift/commode, well perhaps they just need supplying.

[raltheraffe]

YABU for using a fake thread title.

I am looking for another dog at the moment and thought there was a labradoodle going then and am disappointed now.

[SallyMcgally]

Part of the deal with having children is making sure that you have someone to care for you in your old age.

That's appalling. Do you really think of your children as an investment for your old age? Have you already told them that you expect them to look after you?

[beavington]

Newera im sorry for yours and your familys circumstances but i think there is a big difference between caring for yiur partner and caring for an elderly parent whilst working full time and bringing up your own family. Especially when the two brothers are not being met half way by theur mother as she wont have equipment installed to make her life easier, she wants it done personally by her sons. Its like not being able to walk without aid but choosing to have a family member be that aid instead of zimmer frame/ crutches / wheelchair. dhs brother agreed that this was unsustainable (which it is!) Then they would have to find alternative arrangements that satisfied all parties. Instead dh is having to do it out of guilt.

[beavington]

Ps i understand that yours and your family may have also had to bring up children and work but that will be from their own home and not someone elses. Looking after a partner when they get ill really is part of the deal. That doesnt make it an easier ride by any means of course.

[ipswichwitch]

If your DH is not careful he will make himself ill. He needs to have a talk with his brother regarding their mothers needs and how best to provide what care she needs. His brother may have been happy to do it all until his illness, but it's not fair to expect the same from your DH, and the fact he gets stressed if your DH tries to discuss it is a bit like emotional blackmail.

Do you see her actually improving following her operation, I do you think she is going to deteriorate further? What I'm trying to say is if this is going to be short term then maybe I'd suck it up. However, if this is long term I see big problems especially if your DH is already getting resentful of having to be there so much. In the end both he and his DM will suffer for that.

It's very hard providing this level of care for an elderly relative - I've seen both my DM and MIL do this and it's made them both ill. His DM needs to understand how difficult it is for them and accept some things to make life easier for herself and her sons (stairlift, etc) or face the possibility of living in a care home if her sons can no longer care for her, due to illness (BIL) and breakdown (DH).

[championnibbler]

YANBU. This is very similar to a situation that a close friend of mine went though.
My friend's MIL was 89 and had 3 DCs, MIL had dementia so needed full time at home care.
MIL did not want to go to a nursing home.
MIL longer remembered how to cook, drive, clean herself, unsteady on her feet etc.
My friend's DH was staying overnight with her up to 5 nights a week.
The MIL wasn't aware of the strain this was putting on that DC.
One of the DCs refused to pitch in. The other did the bare minimum.
In the end, after about 6 months of running and racing by friends DH, his DM had to have full time care from an agency, at home, as it all got too much.
She lived to be 94 so there was a lot of care put in over the remaining 5 years.
Is your DH prepared to do what he's currently doing for the long term?
What happens if she lives to be 100, or over 100?
You are right - something will have to give or all of you will suffer.

[MushroomTree]

Have I missed something?

If MIL was completely independent before why does a hand operation mean she needs 24 hour care?

I know she's elderly but I wouldn't imagine a hand operation meaning you need caring for particularly.

Presumably once her hand is healed things will go back to her not needing care?

Apologies if I've got it wrong

[Gruntfuttock]

Well, maybe she has to make sure the dressings on her hand don't get wet. If so, I can't imagine how anyone would be able to cope without help.

[beavington]

24 hour help grunt? Through the night care? Plenty of people manage. Part time care is being provided and useful suggestions regarding her going to the toilet have been made. Whats going on now is overkill.

[paxtecum]

My XMIL is like this.
One of her sons was very ill with cancer several times, but she still wanted him to carry on doing her shopping and various jobs round the house. She was always on the phone demanding he came round to help her. He has since died.

Sorry, she might think she is living independently, but she really isn't.
The son who is ill needs to back off and look after his own health or he could be dead before she is.

As I have already said, I'm nearer her age than most of you on this thread and I will NOT be a burden to my DCs.

[Frogme]

It is a family decision. It impacts on the whole family so I feel the op should have an equal say in how things proceed. It is not his decision to make alone.

Personally I feel it is the bils choice to do what he feels he can and DH should do what he feels he can. It is unfair to have to do what bil says. Easier said than done though as there is a huge amount of guilt involved. But DH has a duty to you and your son, as well as his mother, therefore you can ease his guilt by making sure he is aware of this.

Would it help him to stand up to bil if he can blame you? Can he say that his marriage is on the line if he does the Thursday till mon bit? Because actually it is true. The resentment from both of you will grow and the stress will increase over time.

It is not fair for bil to dictate what DH should do.

Presumably bil isn't working so whilst your DH is either working or at his mothers house, your bil has weekends free to do his own thing. I know he is ill but this is not fair and is unsustainable for your family life. DH needs some quality free time too.

I am with you 100% op. I would never expect this of my own children therefore I would not do it for my parents despite loving them loads. They would not expect it either.