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AIBU?

To hide this from DP?

36 replies

Fixitagaintomorrow · 19/08/2014 17:39

Basically I have spent the last two years dieting. Usually very restrictive diets as due to some old injuries I struggle to exercise, I do exercise daily but only gentle exercise. Enough to keep me active and healthy but not enough to class as a workout that will help me lose weight/tone up. So I've been on all the ones like slimfast, juice plus and these celeb diets, I can easily a stone in a week but obviously can't keep up such a restrictive diet and end up putting it all back on and then some. I've tried the whole healthy balanced thing but without proper exercise my weight just stays the same.

So yeah it's been like that for two years and now I just hate food. It seems to be all I think about but the thought of touching food just makes me feel nauseous now. Eating is a massive chore for me and until I get to the point where I feel dizzy I just can't bring myself to eat.

DP works away so doesn't see any of this but has noticed my weight loss (ironic really because now I'm losing weight quite steadily and keeping it off but this time it's not intentional) and keeps asking me if I'm eating so at weekends when he's home I have to force myself to eat in front of him. Now I'm finding myself preparing food while he's out or in the shower or whatever, hiding it in the bin and leaving the dirty plate on the side so I can say I've eaten.

I know I am being sort of unreasonable, I'm lying to him and that's wrong. I should add that his ex had an eating disorder and it affected him a lot and that's why I'm trying to keep it from him, I know he'll think the worst but I know I don't have an eating disorder, I'm not intentionally starving myself to lose weight I've just completely lost all interest in food. It's not a conscious decision. I guess I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm justified in trying to avoid upsetting anyone and I don't really have anyone in RL I can talk to about any of this.

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CoolCat2014 · 20/08/2014 11:34

OP - glad you have realised you've got a problem. I had an eating disorder for 10 years and what your describing is just how I started out, especially the hiding part. I never started out wanting to be super skinny, I just wanted to lose weight to fit in, but no amount of weight loss was good enough when I got there.

Take heart though, I think you've caught it early enough that working through it won't be such a wretch to work through. Talk to your GP, they should refer you to counselling as that is usually the most helpful thing. Not all GPs are that helpful though. If you want to lose weight I suggest you take a break from trying for now, get your head sorted out a bit, and then try a support group type setting - slimming world or whatever takes your fancy! But you need to learn to eat 3 normal meals a day, and just eat the healthy stuff rather than any junk.

Hope you can get some help!

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Charlesroi · 20/08/2014 11:14

OP - you have an eating disorder. I've had exactly the same experience and it got very frightening. If you can't force yourself to eat, then please seek professional help before you seriously damage yourself.

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Castlemilk · 20/08/2014 10:53

OP you are doing the right thing.

Please don't think your DP will be disappointed. He has NO reason to be. The only disappointing thing would be you a. not tackling this early, and b. keeping it from him.

How about this for a way to speak to him about it?

'DP, I need to talk to you about something important. You know that I've been dieting off and on because it's so difficult for me to exercise - well, over the last few weeks I've begun to really lose my interest in food. I don't know whether it's because I have been dieting and it's messed up my system, or whether something else is wrong - but I've really not been eating much. I wanted to let you know that I've made an appointment with the doctor straight away. I absolutely don't want to develop some sort of eating disorder. I wanted to let you know particularly because I know anything to do with food issues is especially sensitive for you, so I want to keep you in the loop. Hopefully me telling you this will reassure you that I'm not about to start hiding issues from you and hopefully I'll get this sorted - like I said, it could be something physical that's wrong. I'll let you know what the doc says.'

How about something like that? Totally, totally not disappointing.

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hellsbellsmelons · 20/08/2014 10:10

Very glad you posted and relieved you have now realised there is a problem.

Hopefully your GP will able to help and advise you on what your next steps should be.

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Fixitagaintomorrow · 20/08/2014 09:55

Thank you purplepoodle that's a really good idea. I'm no good in face to face situations where I have to explain how I'm feeling.

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ladygracie · 19/08/2014 23:34

Might Your DP already suspect that there is a problem if he is asking you about your eating? It may not be as muc of a shock as you think.
I am going to add to the chorus of go to the gp.

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GreenPetal94 · 19/08/2014 23:29

No, I have had a lot of mental health care and hospital admissions and social services have never been involved. Don't worry about that. Do just go to the GP and describe where you are at.

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Purplepoodle · 19/08/2014 23:21

Firstly don't worry about dp. Go to the doctor. If you can't face talking print off what you have written and take it in and ask your dr to read it. The dr won't do anything you don't want them to do.

Think of your dd. she needs to see healthy eating patterns, she will pick up on your eating or lack of even if you think you are hiding it.

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Fixitagaintomorrow · 19/08/2014 19:34

Sorry had to step away for a bit and have a really hard think about things. Thank you everyone, I guess did know, I just didn't want to admit it and needed someone else to say it. I've wanted to post about this for a while but I think I knew what response I'd get and didn't want to face it.

So what do I say to the GP? And what will happen after that? If I need to see someone from a mental health team will social services be notified?

God knows how I'm going to tell DP about this. Of all the reactions he could give I think I know which it will be, the worst one, disappointment.

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ChoccaDoobie · 19/08/2014 19:24

If you don't want to go to get help them you need to get yourself into a sensible eating routine. I feel pretty sure that your many diets have taken you to a place where you have forgotten how to listen to your body so you are no longer taking notice of the signs that you need to eat but the hiding it from your dp gives it a different dimension that I do think needs unpicking.

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SpicyBear · 19/08/2014 19:10

I'm going to join the go to the GP chorus. "Eating disorder" does not mean "starving to get skinny". I think deep down you know this as you wouldn't have posted here otherwise.

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Georgethesecond · 19/08/2014 19:02

Well, if you don't have an eating disorder you need to eat. Start by very small portions six times a day, then work up to a normal plateful. If that is hard, which it might be, then you have to see your GP. What can you eat tonight that is small, as a start?

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hamptoncourt · 19/08/2014 18:49

OK OP I will play along with you that you don't have an eating disorder you do

Let's say it isn't that. So then are you not really terrified about what is physically wrong with you that you have absolutely no appetite? Surely you should be seeing your GP about that and having investigations done?

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QueenStromba · 19/08/2014 18:49

You really should see your GP - either you have an eating disorder (sounds like anorexia to me) or you have something physically wrong with you. The pretending that you've eaten when you haven't is classic eating disorder behaviour.

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ThatLightbulbMoment · 19/08/2014 18:30

And btw, I haven't looked like I have an eating disorder for several years now but that doesn't mean it's not there. It has nothing to do with how you look, but your relationship with food.

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ICanSeeTheSun · 19/08/2014 18:29

I would recommend a slimming club.

With slimming world once you reach your target then you are taught how to maintain that target.

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ThatLightbulbMoment · 19/08/2014 18:27

I have struggled with an eating disorder for the past 15 years. What you are describing is very much how I was in the past. I am now "recovered" in the sense that I no longer need treatment by hcp's but it's always going to be a struggle not to go back to that kind of behaviour.

Please, please contact your gp.

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RahRahRasputin · 19/08/2014 18:17

Even if you don't want to make things for yourself, could you have some foods that don't require much preparation? Depending what you like to eat that could be something like oatcakes, cheese, crudites, dips, fresh or dried fruit, nuts... Or could you eat the same food as your daughter?

Maybe you aren't deliberately depriving yourself and you genuinely don't feel hungry, but this way of eating is harmful to you. The dizziness is because you need food. Whether or not you choose to tell your partner, please consider eating in a more healthy way.

I used to eat emotionally sometimes and I found two books very helpful. Susie Orbach on Eating and The Rules of "Normal" Eating by Karen R. Koenig. Both are about trying to eat in line with your needs rather than restricting or overeating. The second one is not actually a list of rules at all, but it uses a CBT type approach to understand and then change your beliefs and behaviours around food. Both books are suitable for both overeaters and undereaters. Perhaps surprisingly, a lot of the underlying beliefs are the same. If you really don't want to speak to anyone about this then perhaps you could try reading one of these books. The first is very short, with just one key point per page, so very manageable.

But I do think you should speak to your GP, as it would be better for you to get some real-life help. Even if you don't have an eating disorder, your eating pattern is not healthy and you might be suffering from various deficiencies (e.g. anaemia) which could be making you feel worse.

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Vitalstatistix · 19/08/2014 18:16

FastWindow put it perfectly.

An eating disorder is disordered eating.

Which you clearly have.

It is not normal eating habit for eating to seem such a mammoth task that it must be avoided until the point at which it cannot be put off any longer, while at the same time thinking about food all the time and going to such huge lengths to give the impression of eating.

It just isn't

If you truly believe that there is nothing disordered about your eating habits then describe them to 5 people in rl. See what they say.

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Partridge · 19/08/2014 18:13

I'm afraid you sound in deep denial.

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Snapespotions · 19/08/2014 18:13

OP, eating disorders occur in people of all shapes and sizes. What you describe is not the attitude or behaviour of someone who has a healthy relationship with food. I mean this in the kindest possible way, but you need to stop lying to your DH and to yourself, and you need to seek help.

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FastWindow · 19/08/2014 18:10

OK that's a classic response to 'what does an eating disorder look like'

Think about the words... A disordered approach to food. Then read what you told us. Plus, a 14 is fine.

I can understand why you would want to shield your Dh but... It's having a far more destructive effect on you than it would on him. Reverse the situation, you'd want to help him, wouldn't you?

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ChoccaDoobie · 19/08/2014 18:09

You sound very similar in size to me op. I know what you mean. I feel as though I look and feel best at a size 10 to 12. Once I begin to get bigger I feel I look very chunky because I am short and have big boobs!

Ultimately though, it's not good for you to not eat. Sometimes you have to force yourself a bit to eat regular meals. It's surprisingly easy to lose your appetite once you start fasting for 5:2 or something like that.

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RedToothBrush · 19/08/2014 18:07

Your dress size has fuck all to do with whether you have an eating disorder or not btw. You don't have to be skinny.

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RedToothBrush · 19/08/2014 18:05

How is your partner going to feel when he finds out about your problem and how you hid it from you - ESPECIALLY since you know he had an ex with a problem in the past.

You are not protecting him, because you DO have an issue.

You should be able to talk to him about anything, regardless of his past. He probably will understand better than you think. If he thinks the worst, maybe its because he's knowledgable about the issue rather than just reading too much into it.

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