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AIBU?

Another wedding one! (sorry)

42 replies

VelvetSpoon · 19/08/2014 17:31

I am going to a wedding soon, in the back end of beyond. BF is driving me and my 2 DC down there the night before. We could go under our own steam but it would be a nightmare journey, and involve a hefty taxi fare as the nearest station is about 15 miles away!

I am a bridesmaid, and my teen DC are also part of the bridal 'party'. BF is a relatively new relationship (4 months, will be 5 by the wedding) and has only recently met my DC, but so far they get on well albeit it's still early days - so they are used to seeing/talking to him, but so far only with me around.

So, the bride has decreed that the night before the wedding we are to celebrate her 'last night of freedom' and this is girls only. The other women who will be there are either childless like the bride, or one has a young DC who will be at home with her DP (they live nearby and DP/DC are not travelling up til the morning). The groom and other men in the bridal party live about 30 miles away, so are also coming on the morning.

I've said that whilst I will come along to this celebration for a couple of hours, I'm not spending all night there (because it's not fair on my DC being stuck in a hotel room, nor on my BF who will be on his own). This has caused uproar, and I've been told by the others I should be putting my friends first, etc -the assumption seems to be that I'm saying this simply because of my BF, but I'm not, if he wasn't there my DC would still be on their own (and whilst they're fine on their own from a safety perspective, I know they will be utterly bored after a couple of hours in a hotel room). My BF will be happy to spend a bit of time with them in my absence, but I know will feel slightly awkward/uncomfortable in that way you do with kids you don't really know (I know that's how I feel around my DC's friends for example).

The other suggestion was that we come on our own, and BF drives up the morning of the wedding instead - meaning me and the DC have a crappy, long and expensive train journey to get there the night before - and DC still end up on their own in the evening!

I really don't feel saying 'ok I'll come along for a couple of hours but that's it' is being horribly unreasonable? When this was planned (very vaguely, before I was with my BF, but of course when me and DC were still going) we were asked to come the night before - which I agreed - the bride said she wanted to have a few drinks with us all, but I'd understood her to be including my DC in that, not expecting me to leave them on their own for the night.

I should add the bride has already had a hen night and hen weekend (I only went to the latter) so I do feel I have done my bit in terms of celebrating with her already!

OP posts:

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JADS · 19/08/2014 22:52

Is there any way that you, bf and kids just drive up the day of the wedding?

Your plan to eat on the way up also sounds good. Or could the car breakdown...

VelvetSpoon · 19/08/2014 23:21

Hadn't thought of taking the xbox(s) with us, that's an option I guess.

We could drive up the morning, but it's a 2 hour drive and a noon wedding - and I think as a bridesmaid I'm meant to be there well in advance. Plus rooms are already booked and paid for. So I think we're stuck going the night before.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 19/08/2014 23:30

I really hate the attitude of "its a one off, put your friends first"

No.

Its crap like that means it is never a one off, you then get "but you did it for X , so you must do it for Y". It makes no odds how old the kids are and whether they will probably be ok. The OP doesnt want to! That is reason enough. This sounds like a classic case of someone who doesnt have kids yet but will kick off in no small way when she gets her first child-free invite after her first baby comes along.

Stick to your guns and make sure you enjoy their hangovers the next day, of course they will hate you because you wont have one :o

rookiemater · 20/08/2014 09:04

Bride to be is being very selfish. Everyone knows that some people have to travel the night before and to deliberately exclude people you have invited to your wedding, who have made the effort to get there and had the expense of a hotel room, is just plain rude.

bunnysmummy · 20/08/2014 10:50

Do what suits you, you've a long journey that day plus a big day the next, I wouldn't be able to have a boozy night with or without the kids or bf in the picture.

fatlazymummy · 20/08/2014 11:55

I wouldn't do this either. It's not up to the bride to 'decree' how you spend the evening before her wedding. Talk about being a bridezilla.

sashh · 20/08/2014 13:00

Do the arrive late thing.

And I think this will be the night your youngest (assuming friends don't know if she has already started) has her first period and really really wants her mum to talk to so calls your mobile at a pre arranged time.

JessieMcJessie · 20/08/2014 13:07

Take x box (they can play dvds on it too)
If you or they have a phone with 3G it can be linked to an iPad to connect to the internet (this doesn't require extra fees or the involvement of your provider, you can google how to do it) - might be an option if data package allows.
Arrive lateish (ooh, terrible traffic!)
You might enjoy a few drinks with the other bridesmaids
Nobody can stop you going to bed whenever you feel like it. This is very easy as you are all in the same hotel. However do not announce as soon as you arrive that you will be leaving early. Just participate as normal and then when you are ready to go say " night ladies, looking forward to a fab day tomorrow, see you in the morning" and just go. No explanations or excuses.

rookiemater · 20/08/2014 13:09

Actually reading it again, your big mistake was letting them know that you'd only be there for a couple of hours. In retrospect it would have been best just to turn up and be there, then disappear after the allotted time.

I'd stop on the way for a meal with all of you, then when you get there do the allotted couple of hours drinks. I wouldn't make a big deal of it when you leave, just say that you're feeling tired.

TBH I would have thought the bride would want an early night anyway so she is fresh on the big day.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 20/08/2014 13:09

The bride is being selfish and self-centred, fine to invite everyone for drinks pre-wedding, not fine to have a tantrum when people can only come for a couple of hours.

That said, it's very near the big day, I wouldn't cause ructions. It's not really a big deal to leave your 13/16 year old with a mobile and warn them that there's no wifi and to bring a book/x box/watch tv to amuse themselves.

I don't think your new bf need sit in with them all night, after perhaps an evening meal, he can retire to your separate room.

I don't think he is obliged to entertain them and for a couple of hours this will be fine.

I think insisting you stay out for a long time the day before the wedding is utterly ridiculous, but this is what weddings do for people. I honestly wouldn't feel so warm towards a friend who made demands like this when I was travelling a long way with my family to be there.

rookiemater · 20/08/2014 13:10

See my post is more of less the same as jessies !

Littleturkish · 20/08/2014 13:13

I agree with PP, turn up, stay few hours then scarper. YANBU.

JessieMcJessie · 20/08/2014 13:14

rookiemater

VelvetSpoon · 20/08/2014 20:13

I think we will go along the lines of arriving late-ish etc...there is apparently something of a 3 line whip to get people to arrive early in the eve to go and decorate the venue, but as the groom and his mates/family aren't going to be helping I'm not minded to pitch in myself!

If we get there around 7.30/8, will faff around unpacking/with DC, then join 'the girls' about 8/8.30, with a view to buggering off to bed about 10-10.30. I think the plan, such as it is, only involves us drinking in the hotel bar/brides room so thankfully not going out out.

I suspect this still may not keep bride/other friends happy but I'm fed up with trying to please everyone!

OP posts:

rookiemater · 20/08/2014 22:28

Ah so that's actually why they need you there - so you can do the donkey work, you'd think they would have been glad of the extra pairs of hands in the form of your DCs.

Couple of hours is fair enough, if they are in the brides room I wouldn't imagine they'll be up all hours anyway.

maddening · 20/08/2014 23:00

I would just leave at 8am and arrive at 11am after having brunch nearby drop you off with bridal party at 11 and bf takes dc to the church - not too much hanging around and at least they'll have eaten.

Would anyone else be available to bring bf and dc up in the morning allowing you to go and be part of the ore wedding celebrations?

VelvetSpoon · 21/08/2014 09:54

i think they do want my DC to help, just then to shove them (and my BF) off to their room when the drinking and 'girls time' starts. Meh.

I'm a bit reluctant to drive up on the morning because of timings, plus the prospect of trying to get 2 teens out of bed on a weekend morning at 7am ish doesn't appeal!

If I go up the night before on my own, it would mean me having the rubbish train journey, and leaving DC on their own overnight, which I'd rather not - I think on balance we'll have to go the night before just limit the amount of time I spend with the others.

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