To think when people say that they find adult fussy eaters annoying

[fussyoldfusspot]

what they really mean is that they find selfish behaviour annoying?

I've read a few threads started by people who state they find adult fussy eaters annoying however when you actually read the post it's not actually the fussy eating itself they find annoying - it's the behaviour of the fussy eater in question.

For instance I read a thread recently where the OP was getting annoyed at her father who is a fussy eater. He had a very limited diet and would only ever eat out at restaurants that he liked and he always got to choose the restaurant - if they wanted to go somewhere else he would moan and throw a strop until they went to the place he liked. They could only ever cook and eat things he liked in the house and if they didn't then again he would moan until he got his own way. Obviously this poster was getting irritated with this however she seemed to think it was the fussy eating that was the problem and not the fact her father was being selfish and behaving like a brat.

I've seen this in other places, both here and elsewhere, where people would describe fussy eaters they knew who would always get to dictate where everyone ate, what people should cook for them when they eat at someone else's house, commenting on what other people are eating and making "eww!" sounds when someone was eating something they didn't like, etc. They then sum up with how they hate fussy eaters and how they are annoying, etc.

But AIBU to think it's not fussy eating that's the problem in these cases, it's the fact the fussy eater in question is being rude and selfish? And you've somehow connected them together and using them interchangeably and assuming that all fussy eaters are this way?

I'm a fussy eater. I hate it and would love to have a more varied diet however I have sensory issues and there are certain smells and textures that just make me heave. Someone could start eating a banana or baked beans in the next room and they wouldn't need to tell me that's what they're eating - I will know because I will be gagging from the smell of it.

However I would never dream of dictating where everyone can go to eat just because I'm coming too. I let everyone else choose and then try to find something I like on the menu and there always is something I like, even if it's just chips. I do this because I'm not selfish and don't allow other people to deal with my issues.

I would also never comment on food other people are eating and I certainly wouldn't pull faces and go "ewww!" and "how can you eat that?" because that's just rude and I'm not a rude person. I just get on with what I'm eating and let everyone else enjoy their meal too.

I highly doubt that I'm the only fussy eater in the world who doesn't behave like a selfish brat therefore I can only conclude that when people say they find fussy eaters annoying they do actually mean they find the selfish behaviour of some fussy eaters annoying.

Because I don't know why people would find the fact I can't eat a big variety of food to be annoying if I don't inflict it on other people or tell other people what to do.

[maddening]

Ps also surely some of the fuss comes from the non fussies who spend the whole time running through foods and picking at the persons food requirements. Vegetarians get quizzed on why, what they do and don't eat, bit of chat about fish jovial mocking of vegetarianism etc, intolerant get a well can you have this, what about such and such, fussy eaters get quizzed in to why, what they do and don't eat and then people try to cure them. If it was just accepted and if the persons requirements can't be catered for then it is down to how important it is to eat at x restaurant and why x restaurant versus how important it is that the person is there and what other restaurant options are available.

[maddening]

I think phobia is something that can be used around fussy eating when it is driven by a psychological response to foods eg textural it is irrational.

There are people like me (ibs - currently mostly diet controlled) who have a physiological response eg intolerance, allergy etc to food but a long term condition can probably invoke a psychological response but it wouldn't be a phobia as it is driven by a rational fear of food that makes you feel physically ill due to a physiological response to food.

Then there are people who just don't like certain foods.

And probably a few shades of grey in between.

Whether it is rude to ask not to go to a certain restaurant or to require certain foods at someone else's house surely depends on the occasion and the reason for the meal.

[Tinkerball]

I don't eat pasta/rice/noodles/spaghetti etc... It's a texture and taste thing for me

Me neither, and its this that some people seem to have a problem with! But I don't mind as in restaurants you generally can get chips and in the house I loved baked potatoes, so it really doesn't matter. I don't try and force my (limited) tastes on others so I don't get how some people can be the opposite, is it beyond someones capability to understand I dont like pasta and rice and that I don't get bored with potatoes? Clearly!

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Yanbu.
Best thread this week

[WitchWay]

It's the fuss that can be associated with fussiness that is annoying.

A friend's exW was/is vegetarian & would never choose from the lovely vegetarian options if we went out. Instead she would order just a lightly-salted omelette

Often I committed omnivore would order a veggie meal & tell her how nice it was

[Lottiedoubtie]

Someone made the good point earlier in the thread about feeling uncomfortable or awkward in a restaurant if they know one of their party isn't enjoying themselves. I think that's a fair point, even if it's not entirely reasonable to feel like that. I would myself. I think most people try hard to arrange trips out to places where pretty much everyone is catered for, but if I had a friend who could, say, only eat a plain salad at any restaurant, I'd still feel guilty. Even if we had spent years doing everything but going out for a meal because that wasn't the friend's favourite thing to do, even if we'd spend days trying to find a restaurant that best catered for everyone, I think I would still feel guilty. Agree this is irrational, but true

But none of this is the inherent fault of the fussy eater is it?

It's your issue if you 'don't like' to see someone not eat something. And you are projecting to suggest that someone eating plain salad isn't enjoying themselves. And if they even arent that's their own business.

Providing people aren't rude about it and demanding changes of venue/other people to limit their own eating then there shouldn't be an issue.

I don't eat pasta/rice/noodles/spaghetti etc... It's a texture and taste thing for me. I've tried endlessly (in private and when forced in public) to change this but I just don't like it and it makes me feel quite ill. Recently I had a Chinese with some new friends- I was worried about encountering 'this attitude' from everyone else. Fortunately I seem to have stumbled upon nice reasonable people as when asked which type of rice I wanted I said 'not for me, thanks but I don't eat rice'. They didn't pry and all immediately started saying they fancied chips as well as rice. I said I didn't mind and was looking forward to the other dishes we'd ordered. When food arrived we all dug in and ate our fill of the things we wanted and got on with the real point of the evening- socialising.

I was mightily relieved, but I don't really understand why it can't always be like that.

[MisguidedAngel]

I could never be described as a fussy eater, but I really don't like sweet things and usually skip dessert. I get lots and lots of negative comments and/or "just try it" "you don't need to lose weight" etc. People seem to think I'm being superior (hardly, as I love anything greasy). So I can sympathise with anyone who has serious issues with food.

[Thurlow]

Someone made the good point earlier in the thread about feeling uncomfortable or awkward in a restaurant if they know one of their party isn't enjoying themselves. I think that's a fair point, even if it's not entirely reasonable to feel like that. I would myself. I think most people try hard to arrange trips out to places where pretty much everyone is catered for, but if I had a friend who could, say, only eat a plain salad at any restaurant, I'd still feel guilty. Even if we had spent years doing everything but going out for a meal because that wasn't the friend's favourite thing to do, even if we'd spend days trying to find a restaurant that best catered for everyone, I think I would still feel guilty. Agree this is irrational, but true.

xalyssx - I am very fussy, but I try hard to not let it affect anyone else. The one thing I do ask for, is that no one eats lamb/veal in front of me, when I know that it is lamb/veal

I'm sure you mean well but I think that crosses a line. I have friends who are pescatarians and vegetarians but I wouldn't be happy if they told me I couldn't eat a particular food in front of them - not unless it was something they were allergic to, say. I hate shellfish, the sight of those big prawns with eyes and legs makes me feel sick, but I'd not tell anyone not to eat it around me. Because that's not an allergy, or an intolerance, or anything like that - it's just a plain dislike.

[DisgruntledAardvark]

I am quite a fussy eater and I'm also teetotal. I'm forever astonished by the number of people who find it acceptable to go on and on about both of these things. I would never dream of dictating where to have a group meal (unless it was some really specific uber edgy restaurant that only served leaf cutter ants type of thing), and I'll happily order a dish I can eat, even if it's just a side dish. This doesn't bother me at all, but I cringe when someone starts making comments about this - 'ooh, you are fussy aren't you!' 'Do you not like anything then? 'But have you TRIED it?' over and over again. I also have a pretty small appetite and often don't finish meals. The same thing then, 'you've hardly eaten anything!', etc. I would never pass comment on someone else's eating habits unless my opinion were requested (obviously 'is that nice?' etc doesn't count.) Same with alcohol, 'oooh are you going to be judging us all night?', 'but have you triiiiiiiiiiied this drink, it's really nice!', etc. Such a drag.

[Tinkerball]

Why does it make someone a "fussy eater " just because they don't like certain foods, and why is the fact that people like and dislike certain foods so hard to understand for some? I would live to eat more but can get by in restaurants, I'm certainly not going to eat anything I dislike just for the sake of it.

[vanillavelvet]

I used to work with a very nice man who had a very limited diet for one reason or another (he blamed his mum).

If we ever went on any team lunches he would check the menu at the chosen location in advance. If there was something on the menu he would eat then great. If not, he didn't come along. No fuss.

[motheroftwoboys]

Our DS2 is 22 and is an extremely fussy eater (sensory issues) with a very very limited diet. He eats about five things and I only wish he would eat chips, pasta or pizza! He is totally aware of how it restricts his life and wishes it was different. He is embarrassed about it anyway so would no way draw attention to it. He is fit and healthy and has a good social life and a lovely girlfriend. I really hope he may be able to change things but have pretty much given up now. People can be very ignorant about this issue and it is very irritating to hear the sort of comments like - they didn't get enough attention when they were children, they weren't offered enough different foods etc. DH, DS1 and I love cooking and eating and have an extremely varied died. It is nature not nurture.

[cherrybombxo]

I'm quite fussy and my DP is a total foodie so he can get very annoyed with me. I like a wide variety of foods and the things I do eat I really enjoy, but unfortunately I really don't like "fishy" fish (I can just about handle cod or pollock), I'd rather eat my vegetables cold in a salad than cooked and the only red meat I eat is the occasional steak because I don't really like the taste. Unfortunately this rules out all of the fancy Michelin starred places that he wants to visit because I simply won't eat rare venison on a bed of blah blah blah with jus and foam and whatever else.

I would never ask anyone else not to eat something in front of me, with the exception of my dad scooping the "skin" off his homemade custard, which he does specifically to watch me heave

[GoringBit]

I dislike the term fussy eater, it seems like a lazy label and inherently judgmental. I'm lucky, I'll eat and enjoy just about anything, but I wouldn't dream of taking issue with somebody else's food choices - and of course, some so-called fussiness is due to health or other issues. Eating, particularly with family and friends, should be a pleasure, and we all take our pleasure differently.

That said, sometimes people claim to have an allergy to something, when in reality, they just don't like it, or want to try it. I don't understand that, just own the fact that you don't like veggies/liver/olives/whatever, don't devalue allergies. (A recent MN thread on allergies was a real eye-opener, I had no idea how extreme they could be.)

Without wanting to get into a veal-related bunfight, I'm sure I read that the welfare standards for veal calves are far higher than for any other animal reared for food. Personally, I'd be much more bothered by someone buying factory-farmed eggs or chicken than I would by them buying veal.

[badtime]

I am very fussy, but I try hard to not let it affect anyone else. The one thing I do ask for, is that no one eats lamb/veal in front of me, when I know that it is lamb/veal.

I'm sorry, xalyssx, but that is none of your business. Why do you think it is appropriate that other people should have to tailor their food choices to your preferences?

[kentishgirl]

I would have said I'm an ex fussy eater but I'm finding myself labelled that again by OH and his family. Reading this thread has made me realise how much that has been getting up my nose.

I used to be a very fussy eater. I was never awkward or rude about it, but very many (most) other people were awkward and rude about it. You'd think I'd confessed to chopping up kittens as a hobby, not just avoiding eating certain things. I found it embarrassing all the time, and downright humiliating some of the time. I cured myself of it, over time, but I do still have a few foods I won't eat. A few.

Apparently not eating the sprouts at Christmas and not eating seafood (in particular a prawn salad) mean that I am a fussy eater to OH and his parents. And every meal at theirs now involves a phone call and a big fuss about the menu and will I eat it or not, and comments. OHs parents actually eat a really restricted diet compared to me: no onions, garlic, spices, herbs and flavourings, no 'foreign' stuff like Indian, chinese or pasta. Meat and 2 veg all the way. Fuck that. Next time I get a 'fussy' comment I'm coming back fighting!

[Nanny0gg]

but that doesn't change the fact that being a fussy eater is not an attractive characteristic in anyone. it also implies a bad attitude to food in a persons upbringing.

No, it's not an attractive characteristic. Thanks for emphasising that, it's something we'd never thought about...

And your last sentence is complete garbage. My parents ate a very varied diet and were in despair with me.
One of my DC eats an even more varied diet than my parents and is in total despair with two of their DC.

I wonder how much is genetic?

[WooWooOwl]

it also implies a bad attitude to food in a persons upbringing.

Yes, it can be down to a bad attitude to food in a persons upbringing, but people don't get to choose what sort of upbringing they have and what type of parents they get.

I think if you get so irritated that you say you hate to see what other people leave on the side of their plate, then you probably have your own issues.

[badasahatter]

'Being a fussy eater is not an attractive characteristic in anyone'. Being judgey on the other hand is clearly more than acceptable.

[rattlesnakes]

As someone who is a mildly fussy eater, I find that often it's other people making a big deal of it. For example, I don't like raspberries, and when offered them I will just politely decline. Often though, people won't take no for an answer, and will really want to know why I don't want any, why I don't like them etc. Sometimes I just force things down to avoid other people making a fuss.

I am also a vegetarian: once my mother in law cooked me a birthday meal that included meat, the idea being that I would just eat the side vegetables and everyone else would have the meat. She really doesn't get vegetarianism and I think wanted to make a point.

[Droflove]

Im someone who feels irritated at fussy eating. I hate to see someone picking all the onions out of something or not eating one of the foods on their plate (especially after they say yes when I asked if they wanted X, in that case it's obvious that they will eat X, just not the way I cook it which is rude). I do understand how awful it can feel to be faced with food that makes you want to heave, I lived abroad for a long time and ended up in situations where it would have been rude not to eat the raw liver and I wanted to cry (i did eat it) but that doesnt change the fact that being a fussy eater is not an attractive characteristic in anyone. it also implies a bad attitude to food in a persons upbringing.

[WooWooOwl]

Your right, phobia is a real thing, and a phobia of food is really quite debilitating to people who genuinely have it.

It annoys me too when people, use that word to describe a mild dislike, or even a strong dislike, because it belittles the problem for people who really do have it and creates (as this thread shows) people who simply don't believe it's a genuine issue.

It's very easy to say that people don't mention it when they have a real problem with food so have very restricted eating, but in my experience it is very difficult to avoid altogether. Because although I'm sure no one wants to force their friend or family member to eat something they don't like, people do try and encourage trying things and will make endless suggestions meaning that someone who is trying to be polite about it is forced into talking about it. I know for a fact that well meaning people can and do make it worse because they won't just accept what they have been told.

[80schild]

I don't mind fussy eaters if it is because someone genuinely doesn't like a particular food or has a particular problem.

What I do find annoying is when someone starts talking about the long list of foods that they will and won't eat based on "health" benefits (most of it is a load of bollocks) or someone who refuses to try anything. I don't cater for these people anymore. It is just boring.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Oh, and don't get me started on people who use 'phobic' to cover everything from mild dislike upwards. It's unnecessary and attention-seeking. Phobia is a real thing: it is not when you don't fancy something.

I think what gets me about all this is the way it implies the rest of us are somehow thick or actively cruel and would like nothing better than to force our friends and family to eat stuff they dislike.

('You' not meaning woo or anyone else, just general 'you'.)

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

woo - I would guess most people just politely avoid those foods and don't mention it, though.

It's not that I don't believe people might gag if they ate a certain food. It's the people who pretend that there's a real possibility of it happening in front of you. Er, sorry, no. If you struggled that much, you would have figured out how to cope and you would not be talking about vomit in front of a group of people sitting down to eat.