to ask for your help in stopping my dad from killing himself.

[jellybelly701]

My dad is a hard core drug addict, name a drug and he had either taken it in the past, currently taking it in the present or is on his way to buy it. He's been this way since he was about 21 he's 53 now.

Every penny he has goes on drugs and its been this way since as long as I can remember. Which is the main reason why him and my mum split up, she found used needles hidden amongst the toiletries in a basket in the bathroom! I was around 5/6 at the time.

I've noticed now for the past year or two that he is looking just so old and ill, you can tell he takes drugs just by looking at him. He is scruffy and doesn't care about the way he looks. He looks like a bloody hobo! His eyes are sunken and his skin looks grey, you can see all of his bones on his chest and he is skinnier than me and I weigh just 8 stone.

About 9 months ago I got a very random phone call from him. He basically just came out with " you know I'm not going to be around forever right? I have a feeling that I'm going to be here one day but gone the next" and then put the phone down! I thought hard about this and wondered whether he knew something I didn't. My grandma let slip he has been to the doctors around that time but even she doesn't know what the doctors said.

I saw a photo of him last night which has inspired me to ask this, he looks so frail and ill. His cousin was commenting telling him he is a mess and needs to stop the drugs, other friends were commenting about how ill he looks and concerned they are.

He is dying I know it and I'm just not ready for that, I doubt he will make it until my 23rd birthday (I'm 21) I don't know what to do! My gran has offered to pay for rehab but he says its pointless because he will just buy drugs when he is out. He doesn't want to stop taking them and this hurts me because he is my dad and he is killing himself right in front of my eyes and there is nothing I can do.

Being around to see me grow up isn't a good enough reason to stop, being around to see his grandson grow up isn't a good enough reason to stop. Leaving me without a father just isn't a good enough reason.

I just don't know what to do.

[Suzannewithaplan]

There's a saying
First the man takes a drink
Then the drink takes a drink
Then the drink takes the man.

I think sometimes a person is too far gone, it's not that they care more about drink/drugs than about loved ones, it's more that they are so consumed and damaged by their addictions that the uphill climb out is just too steep for them.

[jellybelly701]

ghost that is exactly what he is doing. I've also had a very random very short phone call where he told me has a lump on his nads and is scared, like you I gave advice and he just hung up and ignored it.

Could you be a long lost sister?

[lastfirstkiss]

I couldn't not leave a message for you.

I am the same age as you & my mother is an alcoholic and has been so for the better part of my life now. She too has repeatedly nearly died and been told that she doesn't have long left and yet she continues to drink.

I read something on the Humans Of New York Facebook page a couple of weeks a go that has really stuck with me.

"She was filled with regret before she died. She felt like she had failed us as a mother tremendously."
"Did she ever say something to you about it?"
"She never said anything, so I don't have any tangible proof that she had regrets. But she had a very bad substance abuse problem. And I know she always wanted to be a good mother. So I separate my mom from her disease. I always imagine my mom and alcoholic were living in the same body. And I know my mom loved us. And that she hated the alcoholic."

Whilst my mum is also nearing her final time, it comforts me to separate her from her disease. It isn't my mother that wants to leave me, to never meet her first grandchild or to not be at my wedding. She loves me. And I still love her in spite of everything. She is still my mother. Unfortunately addiction is a brutal disease.

I truly hope you find peace in this situation.

[MrsBoldon]

This isn't about you, it's not that he doesn't love you enough so please don't think that way.

He is an addict. The drugs come first always but he doesn't want to be that way. He is an addict and it's ruined his life. There's nothing you can do to help him if he doesn't want help. Nothing.

My cousin died a few years ago from complications caused by injecting heroin into his groin. He was 30 and had to be buried in a sealed coffin as was Hepatitis C positive, it meant his Mum and Dad couldn't view his body and touch him or say goodbye. It ain't pretty. I've got years of experience working with addicts but even I couldn't help him - because he didn't want me to.

Enjoy your Dad while he's here. Let him know you'll do all you can to help him if he asks for it. You can't do any more than that. Take care xx

[TheGhostOfGordonWay]

Are you a redhead jelly? If so we should talk

It's not on for him to ring you and tell you scary things and then hang up. It's especially not on when he isn't going to change anything. All he's doing is drawing you in to the drama, putting thoughts in your head that are going to haunt you, making you think of ways you can help him when it's his responsibility.

That might be something you could put in the letter. That he can't carry on doing these 'drive-bys' because they leave you feeling sad and helpless.

You need to protect yourself. None of this is your fault. None of it is your responsibility. Those feelings of helplessness, sadness, anger, aren't yours to carry around. You haven't done anything to deserve them.

Detachment is a good thing sometimes. That doesn't mean you have to stop caring about him, just that you don't have to shoulder a burden that's not yours. Put the responsibility back with the person it belongs to.

[jellybelly701]

ghost nope, brunette.

I will add that into my letter, as apart from the obvious that it what's hurting me the most. I can be having a really nice day, thoroughly enjoying myself and that can be shattered with just one phone call.

lastfirstkiss that was actually really quite comforting, thank you so much for sharing that with me.

To everybody else, thank you for your kind words, it really means a lot. I have stopped feeling so sorry for myself now and I am on my way to accepting that this is out of my control. I'm not there yet but I'm sure in time I will be.

Again thank you to everyone.

[Poshsausage]

This could be a bit of a watershed for you , where you move forward in adulthood realising that actually , this man , is no dad to you . He can barely look after himself and barely survives .

So take strength from your own position on life and move forward without him and you will eventually come to terms with it

My mum is a heroin / crack whatever she can get her hands on addict and is now 62 and outliving everyone the hard faced **h ! But I rarely think of her now , but I'm happier if I know she is doing ok .i cannot believe she survived this long , my younger sister didn't. But I've found there is less worry now that she has gone as the lifestyle is just horrific and really on the edge of society .

You are your own person and his addictions and lifestyle does in no way reflect on you

Take an opportunity to make str

[Poshsausage]

... Sorry


To make strong choices to raise your child
Differently and with awareness and gratitude that not everyone is so fortunate and bit for the grace of god there go I

You're gonna be just fine .:-)

[Pinkrose1]

I have to be brutally honest. Your dad will not change and will continue down this path unless he makes the decision for himself to stop, and that is very very unlikely. This type of addiction is an illness and one that will inevitably kill him. I think there may be some kind of genetic link with addiction, which maybe why his sister did the same?

Either way I would not go to any great length to establish a close link with your dad and your son, not just because the loss will be more painful, but because being around an alcoholic/drug addict is not the best environment for him. You can only be there for your dad if and when he needs you or wants help.

[Poshsausage]

I'm going to disagree quite strongly with the above poster a and say no you do not have to be there for him at all ! Please don't feel any guilt or obligation . With such serious addictions the less contact may well be better

Addicts can be extremely draining and then they just move on to the next person !! He is supposed to have been the parent here .

Do not jeopardise anything you have worked for he does not being anything positive to your life and will take take take until you break of you let him . So don't be afraid of saying no if that's what you feel .dont feel you have to be there just because " he is your dad " and all that crap .

If you have to stand on your own two feet then so does he !

[MexicanSpringtime]

Just wanted to say that I am very badly addicted to smoking and have lost at least one gorgeoous boyfriend who wanted me to stop smoking. My daughter who I adore also wants me to stop smoking and I can't.

So when I get on my high horse to criticise other addicts I have to remember that. I'm sure your dad loves you and hates himself for what he is.

You really might find al-anon or al-teen very useful.

[Pinkrose1]

I disagree with what poshsausage says. OP clearly loves her dad and if he comes to her asking for help, especially with his addiction, maybe with rehab, she should turn her back in him and refuse that help?

Really? And that would make her feel better if her father carried on and died of his addiction?

I said minimise contact with DS but she can still see her dad on her own terms.

[Poshsausage]

Speaking from own experience of mum and sister bleeding me dry and not being in a position to be there for me but happy to take my help year in year out and having a near on breakdown because of it

The rehabs and professionals are there to help him with his addictions I don't believe it's a daughters problem

But anyway that's my first hand experience there are a LOT of addicts in the family , or at least there were

[Branleuse]

what you have to do is try and create some distance. Hes too far gone to turn his life around. You cannot save him. Id suggest asking your gp if you can be referred for therapy or seek some out privately

[FrankSaysNo]

Why is he so unhappy that he takes drugs? What happened in his life?

[externalwallinsulation]

I think, for your own peace of mind, it is worth trying one final time to help. I agree with the posters above who say that it's very unlikely that it will help with such a long-term addiction, but I think that it might make you feel a bit better to know that you tried absolutely everything. I know it sounds illogical, but it is kind of a step towards realising that this is not something you can change or control. I would send a letter outlining your love for him and your fears, and ask to talk to him seriously about it. I don't want to give you false hope, but reading between the lines of your post, it sounds like he is scared about his health and trying to ignore that fear, so it is not entirely beyond the realm of possibility that you might reach him.

I am sure you've already tried this, but before you do speak or write, get in touch with local drug and alcohol services (voluntary sector and NHS) and ask what options are available in your area for treatment and help. It may just be that there is a different programme or a trial kind of rehab and therapy that might suit his needs a bit more than things he's tried in the past. Also speak to your GP: there are some new drugs available to treat heroin addiction, and some very promising ones that are in trial, so if he hasn't tried to go sober for a while, it may be worth another shot with these new medications.

[MexicanSpringtime]

Why is he so unhappy that he takes drugs? What happened in his life...

I personally think that if you take addictive drugs you are going to get addicted, I don't think anything necessarily has to have happened in his life. Most sane people have rebelled at some point in their youth and some, unfortunately, have been offered drugs at that particular moment.

[Imsuchamess]

My dad was a drug addict and I was all for my dad but I cut him out of my life at age 15 because of a two year old sister whose life I didn't want blighted like mine. I told my mother if she didn't leave I was calling social services. Then rekindled when I was 19 after my DS was 18months as I wanted my dad to meet DS. But upon finding out he was still using I cut him out and haven't looked back. He is now clean according to my brother.

I recently in the past year started using drugs during a psychotic episode because I was being told to do so. I am now a recovering addict. It is hard. But the key is you have to want to quit. It's not about how much you love those around you because when the urge hits you can find any excuse as to why it's ok to take drugs. You know in your heart it's not ok but it's still hard.

I am (when not psychotic) very anti drugs I hate them and I was falling in a deeper hole because of them hating myself for taking them, but taking them to get rid of the self loathing. It was a hard cycle to break but I'm trying.

None of this is because he doesn't love you and it's up to you how you deal with it.

[Heebiejeebie]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. People have said some amazing things on this thread. I don't have any useful experience to offer. But I would say, please consider seeing your GP and asking to be referred to your local IAPT (access to psychological therapies team). They may be able to help you learn ways of thinking about your father's issues without guilt or regret. The most wonderful, loveable, wise, supportive person in the world (and that might well be you!) cannot 'save' another person from themselves. You need to find a way to stop blaming yourself for something that you cannot change.

[FatherDickByrne]

I would highly recommend Families Anonymous which is specifically for the families of drug users. Attending my local group changed my life immeasurably for the better in a relatively short time. Coming to terms with the effect an addict's behaviour is having is so hard but, for me, once the penny dropped, I was at peace for the first time in years. I still loved the person but I was able to let him go, stop trying to make him change & accept that none of it was in my control. He struggled on with drugs for some years then made a life-changing decision which means he is now clean. I saw him once & he was in complete denial about how much I'd been hurt by the experience - it was all about him & always had been. This was a partner rather than a parent so very different, I know, but hopefully still relevant. FA helped me escape from something very damaging & I will always be grateful to them.

[crashbandicoot]

sorry to hijack the thread slightly but it is so powerful to hear about others' experiences of drug addicted parents. I have never met anyone in RL who has experienced this and spent my entire childhood in shame and fear of someone finding out. it is only now that i can distance myself properly. also my mum is nearly 60 so poshsausage we have a lot in common it seems! also when i initially sought help it was mostly parents of addicts that i met rather than (adult) children of drug addicts and that made me even more isolated for a while. but there are definitely more adults around now.

for those who are children of drug addicts did you ever feel shame or fear of being 'found out'?

incidentally, my father was both a drug addict and alcoholic and i found he effects of alcohol to be worse in many ways (violent behaviour etc) although the stigma of heroin was worse.

[crashbandicoot]

sorry to hijack the thread slightly but it is so powerful to hear about others' experiences of drug addicted parents. I have never met anyone in RL who has experienced this and spent my entire childhood in shame and fear of someone finding out. it is only now that i can distance myself properly. also my mum is nearly 60 soposhsausagewe have a lot in common it seems! also when i initially sought help it was mostly parents of addicts that i met rather than (adult) children of drug addicts and that made me even more isolated for a while. but there are definitely more adults around now.for those who are children of drug addicts did you ever feel shame or fear of being 'found out'?incidentally, my father was both a drug addict and alcoholic and i found he effects of alcohol to be worse in many ways (violent behaviour etc) although the stigma of heroin was worse.