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AIBU?

AIBU to be annoyed when I message a question that needs an answer, the person has seen it but doesn't bother to respond?

32 replies

CrapBag · 22/07/2014 10:55

There are a few of us going out in a couple of weeks. The driver's (who offered and prefers to drive) car has broken down and we don't know if it can be fixed. She is looking into getting a new car and thinks it will be early next week, way before we are going.

I messaged to ask if she is still ok to drive (because I'll offer if not) and she hasn't replied. She has seen it and was even having a group conversation with a load of us at the same time but not bothered to reply to my message.

This is fairly typical tbh. It pisses me off. If someone else needs to drive then that's fine but I do need to make arrangements to do it. Even a "not sure right now, I'll let you know by x" type thing would be polite. You can't even use the excuse that they haven't seen it!

AIBU to think this is rude?

OP posts:

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Balaboosta · 23/07/2014 20:10

I don't always answer straight away. You sound controlling.

Droflove · 23/07/2014 19:54

Sometimes a response requires a few things to be checked in advance. Or its an awkward question I need to think about. Or its something I want to answer properly and want time and quiet to draft it.

I think YABU.

MorphineDreams · 23/07/2014 11:19

agent no I don't go round without asking, I'd ask them first if they're up for a chat. It would really annoy me if someone just came around unannounced, my friends are the same.

And no just because someone has a phone doesn't mean they have to be at your beck and call 24/7.

PrimalLass · 22/07/2014 23:02

Well if she's stressed about the inconvenience and expense of her car breaking down, and worrying about getting to work and whatnot, a text asking 'are you still ok to drive?' would make me think 'fuck off'.

Me too. I would think that you are being pointed, and that potentially you had been bitching behind my back about the inconvenience.

Electriclaundryland · 22/07/2014 22:43

Why ask a silly question when you and she both know she doesn't know the answer yet? I wouldn't reply either.

adeucalione · 22/07/2014 21:54

Well if she's stressed about the inconvenience and expense of her car breaking down, and worrying about getting to work and whatnot, a text asking 'are you still ok to drive?' would make me think 'fuck off'.

kumamon · 22/07/2014 21:53

Texting stresses me out. If someone wants to arrange something I'd far rather sort it out in a quick phone call then texting back and forth.

If you need to know now - why not phone her to check? But also bear in mind that she probably hasn't got an answer until she knows what is happening with her car.

FunkyBoldRibena · 22/07/2014 21:49

Have you actually said 'if not I'm happy to drive' or just asked 'are you still ok to drive'? She might think you are being a little full on, particularly when she has said she should have it sorted.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 22/07/2014 21:44

If I was your friend I would be unsure of how to reply just yet.

At the moment she does not know whether her car is fixable & is hoping to get a new car next week - is that right? In which case she won't know if she's OK to drive until after either her car is fixed or she has looked in to buying a new one. There's no point her saying "yes, I'll still drive" now only to find herself still without a car on the day. Likewise she won't want to say that she can't do the driving because she doesn't know that she can't yet.

Unless I've missed something, you seem to have asked a question that can't actually be answered just yet .

LauraChant · 22/07/2014 21:38

I have occasionally received an email saying "Will email when kids are in bed" or similar and have thought "why on earth have you bothered to tell me that - just email when you are ready". Now I realise it is because they are afraid of offending me as I can see they have read the message and not responded straight away. I don't expect my friends to drop what they are doing and instantly reply to my messages.

I am guilty of reading messages and not replying directly. Especially if it is a question. I might not know the answer straight away. So I can reply to a chatty message but not to one that involves me going to look at a calendar or whatever as I may be somewhere where that is not possible.

maggiethemagpie · 22/07/2014 21:36

It is my personal bugbear when I message people and they don't reply. I don't expect an immediate reply but have a three day rule. No reply after three days and it's rude and I'm entitled to be bothered by it.

I have recently decided to stop bothering with a friend of 17 years standing because of this. I texted him to arrange meeting up, he didn't reply, I texted him again after four days to check, he didn't reply, I seriously thought there was something wrong with his phone at this point so emailed him.
A week later he finally replied to my original question about meeting up. I responded, and he ignored that. Then I sent a message telling him I'd see him next Tuesday.
I just think it's incredibly rude and inconsiderate and says 'you are so unimportant to me that I cannot be bothered to even reply to you.

settingsitting · 22/07/2014 21:36

I know what she is like, if I didn't get a reply straight away then she won't be replying at all

And then what happens?

BoomBoomsCousin · 22/07/2014 21:29

Why do you need to be reassured OP? What exactly could she say that is different to what you have explained the situation to be - i.e. she doesn't know. It seems a bit attention seeking.

BettyBolognese · 22/07/2014 20:24

I hate that in this day and age people expect immediate responses. They've messaged you therefore they expect and immediate response. They've emailed you and therefore you must know what they emailed you about and they want an immediate response. They phone you, why don't you pick up your phone, your supposed to pick up, it's a mobile after all.

And so forth...

Why is it so important that you get a response right now?

CrapBag · 22/07/2014 20:19

I honestly would expect her to say that she isn't sure yet (if that is the case) and ask if I'm willing if she can't or reassure me that she still can.

morphine I'm glad you're not my friend. How dare I try and engage a good friend in a conversation when we are about to go away together.

OP posts:

AgentProvocateur · 22/07/2014 20:19

you don't just pop around someone's house for a chat because that would be rude

Why on earth do you think that's rude? That's probably the most bizarre thing I've read on MN. Do you not visit friends?

cardibach · 22/07/2014 20:14

Morphine I think this is a bit weird You don't just pop around someone's house for a chat because that would be rude. I don't think that is rude at all! Although I have seen on MN that many people do. I just think it is friendly.
However, with a text I don't always reply immediately. In this instance I wouldn't as I couldn't really give a definitive answer yet, so what would be the point? THe friend doesn't know yet if she will have a fixed or new car by the time you are going 'out' OP, so what do you expect her to say?

CrapBag · 22/07/2014 20:02

As I said in the op, she was messaging a group of us at exactly the same time, for a good 20 minutes so saying she glanced at it then was getting on with stuff is not the case. She could easily have replied because she had been replying before that then stopped after I asked about the driving, and no I still haven't had a reply.

As I said it is fairly typical of many people I know and I do think its rude. I liken it to you talking to someone face to face then them simply walking off without responding. I know what she is like, if I didn't get a reply straight away then she won't be replying at all. Many of my friends are exactly the same.

OP posts:

MorphineDreams · 22/07/2014 13:26

YABU

It pisses me off that just because someone is able to contact me, they automatically assume I should reply. No. You don't just pop around someone's house for a chat because that would be rude. So why do you think you can engage me in convo any other way.

BoomBoomsCousin · 22/07/2014 13:21

Fromthe situation you've described YABU.

You know her situation. She should be getting a car next week before you all go away. Everything should be fine. She won't know any different unless something happens about her getting the new car. Then she'll need to say that she can no longer do it. If you were my friend I'd probably be ignoring your text until I knew more about the car. I wouldn't be able to give you an answer and I'd be thinking you already know that so why are you texting?

HecatePropylaea · 22/07/2014 13:12

If you really need to know because you can't leave it up in the air then give her a call.

Or if you don't have her number, then ask publicly as part of that conversation.

UnrelatedToElephants · 22/07/2014 13:10

Sometimes what you're doing in real life, is more important than virtual conversations. She'll get to it.

Since she'll probably have the new car "way before you are going" why panic now? If there IS cause for panic, send another message, "Friendname", I need to know by "date" if you're still able to drive or not. If not, I'll do it - no problem.

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CaptainTrollolololol · 22/07/2014 12:11

You're going to get all the people who think you are terribly selfish and making everything all about you piling in in a minute.

Yanbu.

SignYourName · 22/07/2014 12:09

Was it a text or a FB message? I've had the situation a couple of times when I've been part of a group message and one of the participants has messaged me separately at the same time that because I'm logged on and in messenger, FB marks the separate message as 'seen' even though I haven't actually read it IYSWIM. So it could be a FB glitch rather than her ignoring you.

HazleNutt · 22/07/2014 11:59

If she offered to drive and hasn't asked anybody else to do it instead, I would just assume that she has it covered.

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