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AIBU?

Assaulted now guilt tripped...fuming

71 replies

unluckyineverything · 20/07/2014 12:04

Friday night was having a drink with a few friends. Friends bf turned up dragged her out my house by her hair usually under those circs I would call police, but huge backstory an every time I've tried to report him she tells police I'm lying an his never laid a finger on her. Then he will threaten me for interfering in his life.

I did phone an text to make sure she was ok she said all is fine. A few hours later her bf was back at my door he punched me in my face an I was knocked out the next thing I know I'm being dragged into my house an police are everywhere my other friend has a gash across her eyebrow. We have both made statements an he faces court in a few weeks.

Now I'm getting to the unreasonableness. He got released last night an my friend phoned me telling me to drop all charges as he has threatened to kill her dcs if I go through with it. I don't want to put her or her dcs in danger but now I don't know what to do as she's saying I'm being selfish an unreasonable by not thinking about her safety. If this was your friend wwyd?

OP posts:

Report

Hurr1cane · 23/07/2014 18:33

Just read all this and couldn't read and run. It sounds like you've absolutely done the right things. I hope everything is ok now

Floundering · 23/07/2014 15:14

You OK unlucky ? :)

Floundering · 20/07/2014 22:54

unlucky you have done all you can, it's now time for the law to help your friend as much as they can.

As you have said unless or until she realises it's down to her to make the break, all you can do is be there for her.

My ex was a police officer ...& a regular here Vicar is one ...& the one thing I know is they often feel equally physically sick + very frustrated as they are called again & again to the same address.

All you can do is what you have done, I'm sorry it's so painful for you.

unluckyineverything · 20/07/2014 22:24

Yes handinhand he attacked a third friend also. Luckily she has gone away on holiday today so neither of them can pressure her. I've never posted before about my friend before as it may sound stupid to some but the shame an guilt i feel knowing what's going on in that house makes me physically sick but I can't help her unless she's willing to help herself.

OP posts:

FreeSpirit89 · 20/07/2014 21:54

She do clearly upset and confused. Possibly abused, that she thinks this is normal. Call the police and say what she has said. Request social services are involved and make sure you tell them everything.

Head up high and try to stay strong x

Lambzig · 20/07/2014 21:49

Just wanted to say that you are absolutely doing the right thing. I hope you are safe and that your friend manages to get out of that situation.

pissedglitter · 20/07/2014 21:38

Fingers crossed they lock this animal up

Viviennemary · 20/07/2014 20:44

You have no option but to contact the police immediately. He sounds extremely dangerous.

YourHandInMyHand · 20/07/2014 20:42

God what an ordeal! Hope you have someone there for you OP.

You are doing the right thing continuing on with the charges. Have I read right that 2 of you were attacked after the friend who is lumbered with him had been dragged out?! Is your other friend being pressured too?

Have you posted before about this friend and her abusive partner?

unluckyineverything · 20/07/2014 20:20

Police are fully aware of what she has said think I've spoke to that poor police officer more times this past weekend than I have with my own dm for the past year. I'm not gonna let anyone guilt trip me or scare me even if he doesn't get a custodial sentence he needs to know some women will stick up for themselves an he can't go through life getting his own way.

OP posts:

queenofthemountain · 20/07/2014 19:57

you are being selfish and unreasonable??? I don't think so.She has brought someone into your life who has punched you in the face.. and she is telling you to drop charges!!
Ring the police and tell them what your friend has said.This evil nutter needs putting away , I can't believe they have released him on bail!

diddl · 20/07/2014 17:36

Surely her statement only makes her safe?

It doesn't mean that he didn't assault Op and her friend, or negate anyevidence that he did!

seasidesally · 20/07/2014 17:18

hopefully he will be prosecuted and gets a custodial sentence (wont hold my breath though) and it's long enough for her to rebuild her life without him and work to get her children back.

sadly if he dosent this will be her future for awhile yet

the thought of losing your children should be enough to finish it and for some it does,but some do put the BF above the children,i hope she chooses the first

Floundering · 20/07/2014 17:16

Bluebell & cravey If you are in an EA & victim of DV for any length of time, it takes your ability to judge away, you question the very name you were given & ultimately are so worn down by the constant barrage of belittling, undermining comments you do anything to stop them. Also the abuser can be very charming when he wants & blow very ho & cold so the victim deludes herself it isn't that bad.

No woman in her right mind CHOOSES to stay in a DV situation, but often they aren't really in a good place to choose otherwise, their perspective of what is normal & acceptable behaviour is so skewed. WA say it takes an average of 10-13 episodes before a woman suddenly says "enough" & leaves for good.

OP you have done a brilliant job in making sure the kids are safe, make sure you are too & keep in touch with the police so you know what's going on for your own safety. Your friend knows where you are so hopefully she will see the situation for what it really is soon.

NotBatman · 20/07/2014 17:16

I'm safe for the next week at least. Friend has made a statement claiming he was out of the house for a maximum of 10 mins so couldn't possibly of attacked me an our other friend. I have no way of contacting her as she has blocked my number

You don't have to keep being her friend, and you shouldn't feel guilty for detaching from her. She's an adult who can make her own choices. She's chosen him over you, she's chosen him over her children.

It took my cousin losing her child before she finally stopped putting up with bullshit like that.

In the mean time, this sort of drama where you're in actual danger isn't something you want in your life. Her stupid life choices shouldn't be your problem.

Whereisegg · 20/07/2014 17:12

I can't think of anything else to add regarding your friend, but I'm worried about you.

Can you add a couple of bolts to your doors?
A cheap cctv system?

Tallypet · 20/07/2014 17:10

It will be part of his bail conditions that he doesn't intimidate witnesses. If he does he should (technically) be put back in the cells until a court date. If he does get bailed again, usually stipulates that again, you can't intimidate witnesses, which is doing to you via your friend.

She's scared right now. For herself and DCs but stick to your guns.

Cravey · 20/07/2014 17:06

Call the police. Make a report. Then dump your pal. And get a new one.

HotDogJumpingFrogAlburquerque · 20/07/2014 17:05

Christ, I hope this guy gets locked up. Frightening.

seasidesally · 20/07/2014 17:03

sadly some women will defend the offender and will pick the BF over their own children

you have done all you can and most importantly the child is safe with their father,you can do no more

SS will be informed,the police have a duty to,she may well loose her child if the child is on the SS register,frankly the child is better of with the father as the mother had a choice and shes picked the BF over her son

you need to step away now,good that you let her know you are always there,but leave it at that,though if he is prosecuted you may well find she contacts you regarding this,any threats etc write them down and inform the police

she will contact you one day,but by the sounds may take a while,you have done the most important thing getting a child out of that situation

good luck

Bluebelljumpsoverthemoon · 20/07/2014 16:57

If her youngest son is safely with his father, his older children aware of the threats so they can be very cautious with their safety, the police and social services aware and kept up to date with the situation, then you can only leave her and her boyfriend to it.

Your friend is no friend to you and no mother to her children. Her loyalty is to the scumbag who hurt you and threatens her children, she believes him entitled to behave like that, loves him in spite of (or because of?) it and lies to defend him. If she was scared and wishing to leave you could help her but she's not, she's an active participant in her relationship, it's what she chooses for herself and is trying to inflict it on everyone around her.

Make sure you follow through with the charges but avoid her and her violent boyfriend. There's no point in putting yourself in a situation where these two people are abusing you and they are both being abusive, him with his violence, her with her lies to enable and protect him, they're a team.

NotBatman · 20/07/2014 16:56

Well, she also sent incriminating texts that say otherwise, so I'd make sure the police get those. Also I think the police know that the girlfriends lie for their boyfriends all the time.

unluckyineverything · 20/07/2014 16:26

I'm safe for the next week at least. Friend has made a statement claiming he was out of the house for a maximum of 10 mins so couldn't possibly of attacked me an our other friend. I have no way of contacting her as she has blocked my number

OP posts:

QuintessentiallyQS · 20/07/2014 15:40

Are you safe, op? You are handling things brilliantly, but please make sure you are also safe. Do you have someone with you?

Pangaea · 20/07/2014 15:38

Unlucky. What a horrid situation. You sound like a wonderful person, and your friend will thank you some day.

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