to be annoyed at DP prioritising his DSD (my DD) above his biological DC?

[powersquawker]

My DD is 7. I was a single parent from pregnancy until she was three years old without any help or support, so we are extremely close. When I met DP, and subsequently DP met her, they both got on very well and were both happy for him to play a fatherly role in her life, as was I. We have since had a DS together, who is now 20 months. I am a SAHM so obviously I have DS all day. When DP comes home from work he'll greet DS but go off to chat to/play with DD rather than occupy DS while I'm cooking.

If we go to the park he'll follow DD to push her on the swings (even though she doesn't need help) rather than play with DS, he is always left to/with me even though DD and I have both openly said to him that we'd like to spend more time together because currently DS takes up all my time. If my DSC are over, he's very protective of DD if they are horrible to her, which is nice of course but I find it strange that he favours her and spending time with her over his three biological DC.

DD was in a ballet performance last weekend. I suggested we go separately (there were two performances) as it'd be boring for DS and we have no other childcare. DP insisted we all go together. After half hour or so, DS was getting restless and DP kept saying 'does he need to go out?', at the mention of which DS was frantically nodding and trying to head for the door. I said 'he will think he can go out now you've said it, yes' and DP just shrugged and carried on watching, expecting me to go with DS and miss DDs performance!

This morning there was a 'walk to school and get breakfast with parents and headteacher' morning. We live over two miles away so have to leave early and DS was up a lot last night with a cold so I said to DP, who was off work, that DS could do with staying in bed rather than being woken to go. When I went downstairs he had his shoes on ready to go with DD, presuming it'd be me staying with DS!

AIBU to be annoyed that I'm getting sidelined from my own DDs life and that his DC are left feeling second best?

[canweseethebunnies]

I think there's a lot of overanalysing going on on this thread. It sounds like he is just being lazy and selfish and spends a lot of time with your dd because he wants to avoid the alternative, which is being left alone with a demanding toddler.

You are being un assertive. Just tell him ' yes, he does need taking out, could you do it please, so I can watch did' or 'seeing as you're off work can you stay at home with des whilst I walk dd to school'. Like others have said, stop dropping hints and just tell him!

[Itsfab]

I got a bit of a bad feeling about this from your subsequent post.

Talk to him and tell him much as you love how much he cares about your DD he is being out of order by monopolising all her time, talk to your DD and make sure she feels safe and secure and can talk to you about anything and insist on one to one time with her. Your son will start to feel pushed out if this carries on, whatever the reason for it.

[Echocave]

I think it sounds like he's being a bit lazy because as you've pointed out, OP, his other children are all harder work. I bet with the ballet thing he just wanted to sit in peace rather than deal with a fidgeting DS. As others have said, just tell him how things are going to work and unless he's a total arse, he will have to try to adapt more.

[NewNameForSpring]

I feel sorry for your DD too. I think you need to be more firm and proactive. I know it's hard to think straight with a toddler but this is an issue that needs sorting.

and yes do tell us what happened about the ballet and walk. A talk is definitely needed. As someone else said, what was your husband thinking in the ballet, that he should stay? I'd love to know.

[CinderellaRockefeller]

I think if both you and DD have told him you want to spend more time together and he's not got the hint yet, then as someone upthread said, stop hinting. Make plans and tell him that you and DD are going out.

I don't think it sounds creepy but it sounds extremely selfish. Your DD is telling you that she wants to spend more time with you - if you don't respond to that she will think you don't care.

[wantsleepnow]

I think you're worrying too much. It's lovely that your DP and DD have bonded so much and enjoy activities together, and it's understandable that younger children can, by default, end up with mums as the habit may be that mum will deal with their needs.

We have almost exactly the same set-up in our house, with young DS preferring to be with me so DD often ends up with DH (her step dad) which, tbf, she loves because he's really good with older kids. But, if I specifically want to do something with DD or feel we haven't had enough time together recently, I say so and we alter plans accordingly.

I'm not sure the 'step' situation necessarily comes into it, just make sure you speak out if you feel you're getting the rough end of the stick and not getting so much of the fun stuff.

[sashh]

Is he trying to prove that he is not biased and going too far?

[Lucked]

It sounds a bit like my DH and our DC1 although both our kids are ours. He has had a long time as DDs dad before DS came along and I imagine he put a lot of effort into that relationship.

I think a bit if a talk - not about spending less time with DD but having more one on one time with DS. Also organise some girly activities with DD like shopping trips, afternoon tea etc.

Lastly organise some time for yourself so he has to look after both DC, a toddler is hard to ignore.

[Staywithme]

I think he's being incredibly selfish and putting his needs above everybody else's. It's all about who HE wants to spend time with at the expense of the relationships between the rest of the familly, including his birth children. You need to sort this out or your daughter will end up resenting you as she gets older as she'll be left with memories of all the things that her step father did with her and how mummy was always with little brother.

[ChasedByBees]

That's sad that he ignored your DD complaining and went in the walk anyway. So it's not like he's oblivious to his behaviour. It should have been you on the walk, or all of you even with DS in a sling perhaps, and he should have tried to make that happen. He's being really selfish.

I think you should follow what Morloth says:

You obviously NEED to say 'Actually you are taking DS and I am spending time with DD' and then be away. He isn't getting the hint, so no more hints.

[Morloth]

Toddlers are a PITA and of course he feels protective towards her, he is her dad.

He can't just duck out of the hard toddler stuff though, that isn't on.

[mummytime]

Lots of people do have "favourite stages" - I love babies up to about 10 weeks. BUT that doesn't mean I have neglected my children after 10 weeks.

You need to get some time with him and explain clearly that parenting is:
a) not just about the fun bits
b)has to be done even if it isn't your favourite stage
c)he doesn't get to pick and choose
d)he has to share himself between the children.

You can start by praising him for taking an interest in your DD, but then bring in how his behaviour makes you feel.

Good luck.

[weatherall]

He sounds like abit of a Disney dad.

Next weekend just you take dd out and leave him with DS.

[Igggi]

I always end up with the toddler when we need to "split" activities, and I think it becomes self-fulfilling as the toddler will try to stay with me if dh goes to take him. Older dc much easier to be around (usually!) and can do more fun things.

[FrontForward]

I'm trying to find out if he was used to being with his DC when they were young and what age did he start to enjoy DD's company?

[tumbletumble]

The most shocking of these examples is the ballet one. I can't believe he expected you to miss her performance while he stayed! You need to ask what he was thinking.

[bigbuttons]

Sit him down and talk to him.

I do find his behaviour creepy though.

[FrontForward]

How old are his other children?

[Icimoi]

I don't think people are saying it's acceptable that men go for the easier option, i.e. prefer to deal with the 7 year old than the toddler; they're simply saying that's the explanation for DP's conduct, which means that there's nothing weird or creepy about it. Morloth is right, you need to tell him that you need him to take more responsibility with DS.

[steff13]

the only child that isn't biologically his, I meant.

[steff13]

have to be stopped from falling in rivers etc.

There's a fair chance that I'm punchy, as I've been awake for nearly 24 hours, but this cracked me up. I know that water safety is a serious topic, but the way it was worded, as though the children are in danger of just randomly falling in rivers at any given time, made me laugh.

OP, without actually knowing your husband, I think he's probably more attentive to your daughter because she's more fun than the baby or his other kids. He may also be overcompensating for the fact that she didn't have a father figure for a few years, and that she's the only child in question that biologically his. I think the best way forward is to have a talk with him about how this is making you feel. Could you maybe set aside a day every week, Saturday, for instance, where you spend all day one on one with your daughter, and he spends the whole day one on one with your son?

[londonrach]

Tbh I think its a 7 year vrs a toddler thing. My dh loves both my sisters children but has told me privately he finds it easier playing with the older girl than the toddler boy.

[Isetan]

The path of least resistance approach is selfish as it is prioritises his wants over everyone else's. Stop dropping hints and be very clear what you want and expect.

[Morloth]

I don't think it is creepy or sinister.

Given the choice between my easy 10 year old and my not so easy 4 year old I would definitely prefer the 10 year old's activities!

You obviously NEED to say 'Actually you are taking DS and I am spending time with DD' and then be away. He isn't getting the hint, so no more hints.

DH and I worked out long ago that when you want something from the other, it is much much easier to just come right out and say what it is you need.

[CheerfulYank]

Yanbu. I don't see anything creepy or sinister in his behavior but he needs to bond equally with all the DC.