To want my DH to move from 5mins to 1hour's commute to be nearer my family?

[NewToAllThis11]

I feel like I might be BU but maybe not...

DH is starting new job soon which is 5mins from where we live. I am currently SAHM with 1year old DS. We like where we live and I've made some good friends in the last year since I've not been at work, but we only moved there initially for work and did not intend on raising family there etc.

Longer term plan was always to move closer to my family, who are 1.5 hours away, so compromise seemed to be to move nearer to them but still be reasonable commute for DH. So is an hour's commute (car, country roads, 30 miles) reasonable or too much, considering he is literally down the road at the moment?

We definitely need to move to a bigger house so we could possibly move in the area we already live in, although it's expensive, or make a bigger move now and hope that DH can find a job which is closer in a few years.

Don't want to be moving around too much once DS starts school too.

WWYD?

[sykadelic]

I do 30 miles one-way for work. During winter it really sucks (I've had an "incident" both winters). I've been doing it for 2 years now and I'm burned out on it.

I read the weather report and see "storm coming" so don't go to work and no storm arrives. So I go to work the next time it says "storm coming" and one comes through making my drive home either dangerous, or lengthy, or both.

I'm looking at getting a job in a town 15-20 mins away and it will vastly improve my quality of life, especially since we plan on having kids. If I stayed working where I am, either the kids would have to drive to childcare in the town I work (bad weather would make that scary both to and from) or leave them at childcare in the town I live in meaning if there was an emergency I'm about an hour away, more if bad weather.

That said I do enjoy the drive sometimes. Sunny weather, music blaring. But during the bad weather, and emergencies, I really notice it and it's just too much now. I'd prefer to drive for fun, not because I HAVE to.

[erin99]

No it's too one sided. He works FT. 2 extra hours of 'work' effectively, every day, would leave him with barely any downtime.

My DH commutes an hour each way. It costs us a fortune in diesel and a new-to-us car every few years. We debated moving but haven't for a variety of reasons. We were discussing holidays recently and he said he wants to stay home, because he likes our house! We spend a huge chunk of our income on the mortgage and he is hardly ever here to enjoy it. It was a good point that really struck home to me. The quality of family life you would have with him working so much closer is so, so precious.

Put it this way, would you be prepared to work 10 hours a week to be that much closer to your family? That is effectively what you would be asking him to do, which is unfair when he is the one already working FT.

[Hulababy]

I've done the hour commute. I was also a teacher at the time. Was horrid and not good after a long day at work, and with more work to do in the evening often. I'd rather spend those 2 hours commuting on getting my school work done than sitting in a car longer and still having the work to do. And of course fitting in family time with my child and partner.

[Sigyn]

I think no.

I think most kids need to see their dad more than their grandparents. Seeing 10 hours less of him a week is too much, IMO.

Also, a 1 hour commute easily turns into much more if there is anything at all up, an accident or anything.

The only situation where I'd do something different is where dp was working very long hours anyway, say a compressed week (4 long days). was not seeing the kids anyway day to day, and so the help could make a difference.

FWIW we've never lived near family, we have 3 kids, dp and I do long hours (not at the same time-we swap around a lot) and we've always managed fine.

[Sigyn]

fwiw I personally would not want to do a 1 hour commute each way.

I might feel differently if I had a SAHM at home, possibly.

Its a long way to get back if needed. But then I'm not used to a situation where I can rely on dp to even take a call (just because he sometimes can't in work), so possibly a SAHP might make things different.

[NewToAllThis11]

erin - yep, fair enough. I definitely wouldn't be prepared to work 10extra hours to see my family more often. I thought it was U but seeing that everyone thinks it is VU has helped make up my mind not to push him on it. And I'm sorry for everyone currently doing horrible, long commutes.

[Sigyn]

(the above should have read "I might feel differently if I had a SAHP at home, possibly.". Not SAHM! )

[sanfairyanne]

can your family move nearer you instead?

[ouryve]

DH has a 35 mile commute. It's 40 minutes on a good day but you can add up to an hour onto if any of the main roads are congested. Day in, day out, it's miserable.

[Iseesheep]

I'd echo Sigyn. I've never lived close to family (closest was 2 hours) and have managed fine for the past 15 years. The only time I needed fast help was when my dad was on his last legs and a really good neighbour and friend helped out until my husband could take over. If I'd been close to home no family would have been able to help and I'd still have had to rely on friends. Never underestimate the reliability of mates!

[Happydaysatlast]

People's situations are very different though arnt they.

I would move the earth to get dh a 5 minute commute.

I would, and do would he be bloody ecstatic with an hours commute to be honest.

He works much further away and is away all week.

Don't do it op. Family life and time together are priceless.

Stay out but look got jobs in the area you want y
To settle in.

[Delphiniumsblue]

Commuting is very stressful- really tells on your health.

[BackforGood]

No way would I swap a 5min journey for a (usual) hour's journey - which of course has the potential to become a lot longer with weather, accidents, blocked roads etc.

If it's too big a trip to visit family / for family to visit more than once every 3 weeks, why on earth would it be OK to do it every day ?

Think also about when he has to go back in, in the evenings - concerts, open evenings etc, which he can now pop home for an hour inbetween school and evening, but couldn't if you moved.

If you add 2 hrs of travelling on to a 10 hr day, he's never going to see his ds, and nor are you going to spend any time with him - let alone have him contribute much in the home.

As dc get older, and need ferrying about more, you will love the fact he has a short commute, and a certain amount of flexibility after 3.30 on the odd day when you need it, which you will lose if you move.

[SueDoku]

I commuted 20 miles each way for 23 years - in the summer, it wasn't too bad (an hour each way) but in the winter it was vile (my record for the journey home was 4.5 hours..! ). Luckily I had friends who lived near my work, and several times I had to stay with them when the roads were completely blocked.
Stay where you are - unless you both obtain new jobs near your parents.

[PixieofCatan]

Bad weather is the other thing. I'm a nanny and my family are away, so I planned to split my working day across today and tomorrow, but do 8/9 hours today and 1 or 2 tomorrow, but because it was starting to get dark and the rain was really heavy at 5, I decided to come home as I didn't want to be driving in heavy rain on country roads in the dark and I'll just do more tomorrow, but when you haven't got a choice in the matter it's not fun having to drive home in horrid weather!

[maninawomansworld]

That's quite a long day you're consigning him too - every single day.
That's 40 hours a month in a car or 480 hours a year - that's an incredible 20 DAYS... just so you can live a bit closer to your parents.
If he's happy for it then fine, but it's a big, big ask.

A friend who had a very good job 10 mins from home did it a few years ago. She (and family) moved about an hour away to be nearer her family with the idea that she'd work 4 longer days and compress the week , giving her a longer weekend to get over the commute.
Within a year she had left the very well paid job she loved after being off for a couple of months with stress and exhaustion.

Don't do it, you will regret it.

[500smiles]

DH has gone from what your DH has to what you want your DH to do. It's killing him tbh and I would really like him to switch back. Don't do it is my advice

[FellReturneth]

Ok, if your DH's family are five hours away it makes sense to be a bit closer to at least one set of family, and 30 miles in the context out five hours in neither here nor there to them.

However, I agree with MadameCastafiore about the rural roads - very slow and a real pain in the neck in poor weather and the dark, short days of winter. I would try to compromise and find somewhere nearer to family, but near a major trunk road for DH. A stressful commute can take a real toll on your quality of life, and he doesn't have the kind of job where he can opt to work from home sometimes.

[NewToAllThis11]

Thank you - I really appreciate all these comments. A stranger's objective perspective is so helpful. We've just had a little talk about it, and I showed him this thread. I think we're going to move but stay in the area we're in so DH keeps his short commute. Hopefully we can move to where we want to be longer term but the priority is for us to be able to spend more time together as a family and for DH (and me!) to not be exhausted by travelling/childcare. I think the day to day reality of an hour's commute would be too much.

[RiverTam]

the positive thing to remember is that teaching is very flexible, location-wise, so as you're lives as a family change and progress you have the option to move. We are stuck in London for work, like it or not, which is great much of the time but an utter bore some of it!

[Coveredinweetabix]

What is your longer term plan? Are you hoping to have more DC? Do you intend to go back to work? Do your parents/other family members work or are they retired?
If you're going to be a SAHM long term then, other than for the social side of things, do you need family support? If your DC is ill, you will be able to collect them from school. If you need someone around to service the washing machine or because something is being delivered, you can be at home for it. You don't need to rely on your mum or someone popping down the road to do it in the way that you may do if you were both at work full time.
If your parents and other family members work then it may not have that many benefits anyway as they will be out of the house as much, if not more, than your DH is. If your parents don't work and would be willing to do childcare a day a week or something like that, then that is a different factor to put into the equation. Even in the latter scenario, think through the logistics. Do they go away a lot? If so, will they realistically look after your DC every Wednesday or will it be every Wednesday except the two weeks we're in Majorca in September and then we have A&B coming to stay at the end of October and are planning day trips with them so it's not really appropriate to have DGS that week either etc meaning you can only really rely on them for as hoc childcare which they can probably do whether they are 1.5 hours away. How old/healthy are they? Looking after one 1yro is very different to looking after a pre-schooler and a toddler.
If you are planning a second child, do not underestimate how that changes things. My DP is rarely home from work before 8pm. That wasn't a problem when I only had one DC. With DC2, it was nigh on impossible. Trying to cluster feed whilst also doing tea, bath & bed with a toddler was a real challenge and it would have been totally different to know DP was only 5mins away and would be home for some, if not all, of that. Likewise, he could have helped get DC1 dressed & breakfasted whilst DC1 wanted another marathon feed. If you have given your DH a longer commute, then he won't be home for this and, if you have family just down the road, you will probably ask them to pop around & help and it will be of great benefit to you and very kind of them if they do. But, after a busy day and a long commute and possibly not having seen his DC the previous day due to there being a staff meeting or something which meant he was home late, will your DP appreciate coming home to find his MIL there? You say they get on well now but then they only see each other every three weeks.
If your child is 1 now, they will be starting school in Sept 2017 so you will be applying for school places between Oct 2016 and Jan 2017 (if the system doesn't change) which gives you 2.5 years in which to decide where to live and sort out jobs accordingly.

[NewToAllThis11]

Thanks, weetabix. Yes, long term plan is to have more DCs (hopefully) and go back to work, part time at first. I take your point about it being way better to have DH there to help with mornings and evenings a bit. DH will definitely be in new job at least 3 years so we'll almost definitely have to move once DS has started school but think that's unavoidable...

[sashh]

Don't do it.

A 1 hour commute can become 2 hours if it snows, there is an accident or roadworks.

And it means you have to maintain a car, have you looked at how much the commute would cost in terms of petrol and wear and tear on the car? Would dh have to miss a day's work if the car needs an MOT?

And that's on top of what everyone else has said

[bragmatic]

If you can avoid an hour's commute then I'm of the opinion you should so so. Commuting has hairs all over it.

[KatieKaye]

Moving would add 40 hours a month to DHs workload. Which is another working week. So not something I'd even consider given the circumstances you describe. Your family is only 1.5 hours away and you aren't working so if you want to see them more it would be mad to even consider moving.

For the future, a move will depend on many factors: is he happy in his current school? Does it offer opportunities for progression? What is the likelihood of you both being able to find jobs in a new place rather than staying where you are , with the security of his job when you start looking? I'd be considering all these factors very carefully, but at the moment I'd be staying put and putting my DHs welfare above my own wish not to have to drive to see my parents.