Can I get out attending sister's wedding?

[Redles]

My whole family is struggling with the idea of my middle sister's wedding. Its basically a Jerry Springer episode. She lives overseas and about 1 1/2 years ago broke up with her live-in boyfriend and announced she was in love with Chris, a transexual woman, whom she met playing a game on the internet. My sister changed a lot during this time.

We used to be close and she stopped calling me-- didn't speak to me once during a difficult high risk pregnancy. Chris moved in with her 4 mos after they met. My sister gained about 3 stone and has dropped out of all the activities and socialising that used to mean a lot to her. They are very mismatched...My sister has a good job, education, etc; Chris has no qualifications or career. He/she works odd jobs, sometimes...T

The whole family has tried very hard to keep the channels of communications open and be accepting. Frankly, at the end of the day, I don't trust Chris or his/her motivations. He/she is difficult to talk to and very controlling of my sister. None of my family have been allowed to see my sister alone since Chris entered the picture. My sister is 36 and it is painful for me to see her throwing these years away.

My sister just told me she is getting married 3 Jan, which is a very expensive time to travel-- will cost over £2K to get there. My sister did come to my wedding but it was a much cheaper time of year and she wasn't traveling with babies! My son will be 18 mos then and Im trying to get pregnant again. Is there any reasonable way to back out of the wedding or repair the relationship with my sister?

thanks!

[manicinsomniac]

If this was my sister I'd be spending every last penny I had to get over to her for as long as possible to try and work out if she was happy or being controlled. If she was happy I would go to the wedding and focus on repairing the relationship in person (not something I think you'll easily be able to do if you don't go.) If she wasn't happy I don't know what I'd do but I'd have to try something, even if I did risk the relationship further. My sister means everything to me and it sounds like you are used to having a similar relationship with yours.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

I think you should moderate your language to that acceptable to the person concerned- this is polite and as someone else said, you wouldn't deliberately use the wrong name for someone, same with gender.

By not doing this, it will feel rejecting to your sister and you say that's the opposite of what you want. Language does matter and is a sign of respect so why not do that one very simple thing as a starting point?

Beyond that, you have some reasons to be concerned, the isolation of your sister and the emotional abuse concerning threats of suicide are all very worrying. But your sister is an adult and you can't tread her path for her, just be there if and when she needs you.

Keep the lines of communication over, invite her over if you want but you can't expect to just say you hate her partner and her to leave, she won't and you will have closed that communication forever. You may have to bite your tongue and accept her choices if you want to continue having a relationship in the future.

[KatieKaye]

If Chris is a female living as a male then she is not a transsexual woman but a transsexual man.

and yes, it is also important that you use the correct pronoun for Chris. It might be very difficult for you, for any number of reasons, but it's one sure way to drive a wedge between you and your sister. Chris is the person she loves, so don't give her any reason to push you away. try to accept Chris for who he is. As your sister lives abroad, you aren't going to be spending much time in his company after all.

I don't have any personal experience of the transgender community, but I do think we should all try to be respectful of other people. I'm sure Chris has been through difficult times too.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Chris would like to be a man, but has not has reassignment surgery or takes hormones and not planning to"
Sorry, completely off-topic, but if you don't take hormones/have surgery, how can you be transgender? Surely this means your body will be forever its original gender? Serious question, hoping that others who have posted here can explain it to me.

[MyFairyKing]

YANBU if you can't afford to travel but YABU to speak about Chris' gender is such a disparaging way. I don't wonder why your sister distanced herself from you.

[Redles]

@Mary. I think you have the right idea. She's been talking about coming here (with Chris-- who doesn't have a passport yet) but if I make it a pre wedding girls weekend, I might get some time solo.

She wasn't engaged before, but was in a long term thing with a guy (who I liked btw) who wasn't ready to commit. She wasn't happy with him for a while-- sexually unfulfilled. I think the push to get married may be coming from wanting people to take their relationship seriously (fair enough). But also, I have another sister, who just got engaged (a month before her and Chris). Its a bit of a competitive thing between them.

[MaryWestmacott]

oh a "pre-wedding sisters weekend away!" spa hotel, or a long weekend at yours and DH having the DCs so you can go out for lunch, couple of glasses of wine and see how she really is.

If it's a 'mini hen' or 'sisters getting married' type thing, leaving Chris out won't seem so obvious.

Another thought, if she was engaged before, then split up after having an affair with Chris, it might feel like that relationship has cost so much to her, that she has to make a go of it.

[Redles]

Actually Mary, excellent idea. Inviting my sister over would be a good call. My sister used to like to travel. I could maybe get her to open up a bit. Chris doesn't have a passport.

[Redles]

Alisvo-- I think you are spot on. I dread having a frank conversation with my sister, though. I really really want to but what am I going to say, I think you are making a mistake? She she would never speak to me again :( None of my sister's closest friends and immediate family like Chris that much. But we want to be there for my sister, in case, she decides to bring us into her life again or if things go wobbly.

[MaryWestmacott]

Can you invite your sister over to the UK and get her alone for some time and see how she's doing? Don't talk about Chris, but how she is, how happy she is etc. Can you sell it as 'wedding prep' to come on her own...


You think she's depressed and behaving out of character, but is it just that she might be exploring part of her sexuality you didn't expect? If she's always dated men, to suddenly be having a lesbian relationship with Chris, who then decides that they would like to become a man (which is something I'm guessing you've never come across before), would probably make you reassess your view of her. It might be easier to say that Chris has made her ill, rather than you were wrong in your idea who she is.

I would try to get to talk to her alone, see how happy she is when she talks about her relationship.

If you can afford it, go. Can you go alone and leave the DCs with your DH?

[Berryglitter]

You never mentioned anything about money in your op. Have you spoken reasonably to your sister about your concerns.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I can understand your misgivings, Chris doesn't sound like a great person.

However, in terms of your sister being controlled, not attending the wedding would likely be the catalyst which sees her go no contact with you and the rest of the family.

I would talk to your sister frankly and honestly but I think at least some of the family should go. You don't have to like Chris in the slightest but removing support from your sister could be unwise.

[Redles]

Berry, I don't happen to agree with those opinions. Sorry. At the end of the day, it's not really about Chris's gender. Calling Chris a he isn't going to make it better. Chris will still be a controlling, somewhat unpleasant person who may or may be in it for my sister's money. And Im not convinced my sister is all the happy (she tends to put on weight when she's miserable).

[MagpieMama]

You do sound like you're trying to convince yourself of that OP. Of course I don't know your sister's situation and only know what you've said here but you come across as having an issue with Chris being transsexual and I think that's colouring your view of their relationship. You're also ignoring anyone who is suggesting that.

[Corygal]

I suspect you're more worried that Chris is a nightmare than what sex he currently is. I think you're worried Chris is an abuser.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Her partner sounds hateful and it's got nothing to do with transgender anything. He's a controlling and abusive arsehole. I'd be declining to go to the wedding for that reason alone

[MmeMorrible]

I'm sure you're sister is unhappy at the way her family is behaving towards her chosen partner.

Perhaps your negativity is also evident to Chris.

[Redles]

Im not all convinced my sister is that happy, but has gone so far in the relationship and trying to prove a point.

[Berryglitter]

Why thank everyone who agrees with you? Why not take other people's opinions on board and the advice to?

[Redles]

Thank you bitter!...Its not really about the gender thing. Chris is not a very stable person from what I can tell.

[MmeMorrible]

Actually OP most of your opposition to your sisters partner seems to be based on his being a transgender man. Perhaps you could do some research and reading into transgenderism and try to be a little less prejudiced and judgemental?

Would you have the same issues with the marriage if Chris was a woman?

[Berryglitter]

Well after your recent posts I totally agree with why she's cooled off with you. I hope she has a wedding with people who respect her choices there.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

I wouldn't be thrilled that my sister was marrying someone who threatened to commit suicide if she broke it off either. The controlling and suicide threat makes all this sound like a very unhealthy setup, regardless of which gender they identify with or what genitalia they were born with.

[Redles]

Thanks Wellthen, Thanks Katie Kaye. Yes, I do want to be there for her.

I sure my sister senses I am not thrilled with her choice of partner and that's the cause of the distance. I have tried to keep lines of communication open and reach out to her, but my sister isn't terribly interested at this time. My hope is that we will be at some point in the future.