AIBU and over-thinking this?

[vvviola]

DD1 (almost 7) had an event at school today - presentation/play type thing about saving money. All fine, very good. But when I asked her about it she said she couldn't tell me because it was a secret. It took me a good 10 minutes, and quite an upset DD to convince her that it wasn't a secret from Mums and Dads.

I will admit to being ultra conscious about children needing to know that they shouldn't keep certain secrets (due to personal history and indirect family history - details not really relevant here except that they may make me over-think certain things).

DH and I have had the "the only secret we keep from Mum and Dad is what Christmas or birthday present we got them" conversation with DD a few times already, but the simple mention of "it's a secret" from this character in a play seemed to undermine all of it.

Obviously I need to reinforce the message with DD again. But WIBU to mention it to her teacher to say I was a bit concerned about the "secret" stuff? Or am I over thinking it completely?

[vvviola]

DoJo, no I'm not sure. And it would have been that I would have/may still ask the teacher about - certainly not going in all guns blazing.

I'm not sure I've explained myself very well here. I certainly haven't made a mountain out of a molehill to DD. After the initial questions I haven't mentioned it to her again. Any angsting/over thinking about secrets has been purely in my head.

[Delphiniumsblue]

I certainly wouldn't go in over trivia. She told you after the 10 mins of 'grilling' - I take it there was no big issue or you would have said.
If she speaks to her child again about it, her child is certainly going to make sure that the next time she has a secret she doesn't even hint at it.

[Delphiniumsblue]

By all means have a chat with the teacher in passing if it sets your mind at rest. But don't labour it with DD.

[DoJo]

So what was the secret when she finally told you? Was there anything which could conceivably have been misinterpreted?
Or could the teacher possibly have not told them about the event in advance and revealed the change from normal lessons as a 'secret' or surprise?

It just seems really unlikely that any adult would have actually told her to keep it a secret, and I agree that there is nothing inherently wrong with children deciding that the want to keep inconsequential things secret so long as they understand the difference between a secret they are deciding to keep for themselves for fun and one which they don't like keeping for someone else.

[vvviola]

From what I could gather (I really, honestly didn't grill her) I couldn't tell what was the secret. It was definitely the actress who said it (or who DD thought/inferred) said it, rather than the teacher.

I definitely won't be raising it with DD again, and I won't bring up the issue of secrets/surprises for a while either (conversations like that are pretty tiring with DD at the best of times as, to get things straight in her head, she does a lot of "what if this situation?" and "how about if it was this slightly different situation?", so mentioning things in passing rarely works).

I'm really grateful for all the input and the different ways of discussing it with DD. I'm a bit isolated here, so don't have my usual sounding boards available.

[AllDirections]

YANBU I wouldn't be happy with my child being told to keep something a secret. It's different if the child decides to keep something secret but it's the being told to that is the problem.

Littlefish I would have complained about that

[Delphiniumsblue]

It sounds to me like part of the play.

[BananaramaLlama]

We always go with a surprise rather than a secret for that kind of thing

[Littlefish]

AllDirections - I challenged her vociferously at the meeting and she backtracked and apologised.

[Lucyccfc]

It is difficult for young children to be able to work out what the word secret means and what they should and should not tell people.

As I was abused as a child, I wanted to ensure my DS learnt about 'secrets' from an early age.(obviously, he doesn't know I was abused).

When he was about 5, we started playing the 'good and bad secret' game. I would make up simple, age appropriate scenario's and ask him to say if it was a good or bad secret. We had some great conversations.

He is 9 now and we played the game last night (he asked). I now get him to make up the scenario's and I get to say if it is a good or bad secret.

Our game ends up being a mixture of serious stuff and lots of laughter at some of the daft scenario's.

[Delphiniumsblue]

I bet the play ended like many books -as in last words -'and this remained a secret between you and me'-or similar.

[vvviola]

Thought I'd pop in with a bit of an update:

I spoke to DD's friends Mum (who is slowly becoming a good friend to me too), and she had heard nothing about secrets, but her DD had been full of chat about the performance.

She brought it up indirectly with her this afternoon, and it seems like the actress may have said something about having a "secret identity". Which my DD obviously mangled in her head into not being allowed talk about it at all.

So after all that, I'm thankful for a few things - a friend among the Mums that I can bounce these things off; that I didn't go rushing into the teacher to ask what it was all about; and that I had the wisdom on MN to calm me down and make me realise it was my own history/issues that was making me react so strongly to the situation (and give me a few good ways for talking to DD about secrets/surprises etc)

Thanks all. I shall return to my usual, non-paranoid self now

[nicename]

I'm surprised they didn't say 'its a surprise' not secret. People do get their radars up about 'secrets' and kids.

DS had a similar thing at his gym display. The 'secret/surprise' was an amazing finale that they wanted to keep under wraps for the 'wow factor'.

I do tell DS that we don't have secrets, just surprises (like presents) but wouldn't worry if it was like this.

[mommy2ash]

why would your dd be told to keep a presentation at school a secret though? maybe she misunderstood something.

I tell my dd that if anyone tells her she has to keep a secret from me then they are wrong and she should come tell me right away. if she wants her own secrets that's fine she has a secret box and her friends have a secret group and mom's can't ask questions about that lol. I think all of that is normal for a bunch of seven year olds.

there is nothing wrong with the word secret. banning the use of a word just means the people you need to worry about will just start using a different word to get around it.

[nicename]

As long as kids know that there are 'good' and 'bad' secrets - it keeping quiet to stop someone doing bad things or getting into trouble.

DS is older than the OPs DD but he does realise that 'secret' and 'surprise' can be the same thing and that 'secrets' are generally fun/games/kids jokes, whereas if an adult asks him to keep a secret about something they are doing (not a surprise party or a gift etc) then he shouldn't keep it.

In our case (a secret about the gym display) it involved 60 flying Elvises and rock music. Most entertainment - the parents were crying with laughter! I thing the surprise element helped, well maybe not really. You had to be there! Or maybe if the cat was out of the bag some parents would refuse to let their kids leap over high things in Elvis Las Vegas circa 1970 style capes and shades?

[DoJo]

Glad it turned out to be nothing sinister and that you have had your mind put at ease. It is completely understandable to be concerned about things like this, and right to investigate anything you feel uncomfortable about, so hopefully you and your daughter will be able to work out ways to talk about secrets, surprises and things that need to be shared to avoid confusion in the future.

[Delphiniumsblue]

A secret identity is very different from a surprise identity. You can't just interchange.
I thought it was a misunderstanding.

[Delphiniumsblue]

Or buying water is cheaper than other soft drinks.

[Delphiniumsblue]

Sorry- wrong thread!

[vvviola]

Yep, you're right Delphiniumsblue and I'll definitely be reconsidering how I talk about secrets etc, and thinking about how my history impacts how I react to things should have listened to my Mum and got counselling at the time

Seems DD is getting the point a bit herself though. Said to me last night "is it ok to keep happy secrets?". She then (being DD and unable to stop talking even to hear the answer - which is partly why her clamming up before concerned me) told me that a little friend of her has a "special drawer" with happy things that remind her of her (recently deceased) grandma. I felt myself tearing up (little girl has had a very hard time of it), and told DD, that yes it was ok to keep happy secrets like that, and that I'd keep it for her friend too.

Did I get that right? This secret stuff is wrecking my head!

[NoodleOodle]

I'd say yes, you got that one right :). I think you've got everything mentioned in this thread right. The concern, checking with other parent, thinking about ways of discussing it with your DD.

[SixImpossible]

...yes it was ok to keep happy secrets like that, and that I'd keep it for her friend too.

Spot-on. A perfect reply, I think.

It's never too late for counselling, you know.