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AIBU?

to get annoyed when people compare my kid to theirs?

51 replies

HelenHen · 17/04/2014 16:24

Seems a big chunk of moms do it and it's really starting to piss me off. Ds is a few months older than some of his friends. Their mom's are always commenting on things he can do that theirs can't and the next time I see them it's usually obvious they've been trying to teach dc this new thing. Their kids can do things my son can't but I don't get competitive over it and let them develop at his own pace.

Also my ndn is always going on about how her sons feet are bigger than my son. He's 9 months older Confused . Today she laughed and how funny it looked that his feet were so much bigger. It hit a nerve today and I replied saying that not really considering the age gap and that it's mad there's not much of a height difference between them. She didnt reply. I'm just starting to get sick of it and disappointed that it's making me petty.

So come on, why the fuck do moms do this?

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HelenHen · 23/04/2014 20:38

Lol Icannever... I had that with ndn too Grin . Ds was walking along saying 'two four six nine' and I laughed and said 'hes obsessed with numbers at the mo'. That was all and she replied 'ds was exactly the same, he can count to 20 now'... As if he'd just won the Nobel prize for maths! Grin . Everything my ds does? Hers did too... And usually did it better!

When I had dd a few weeks ago and she came to visit, she was holding her but only looking at her ds for his reaction to her and only commenting how cute his reaction was Grin it was bizarre! He asked if he could hold her (he's 2.5) and she said 'you'll have to ask helenhen' Shock ehhh... NO!

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RabbitSaysWoof · 23/04/2014 20:32

YANBU
It's horrible to compare dc.

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HelenHen · 23/04/2014 20:28

Oh purple that is different! I have friends who compliment, those who make idle chit chat and those who try and force their kids to do things that are still a little beyond them because an older kid can do it. Sure it's handy to have an older kid so you can see what milestones may be ahead... But don't go on about it if your kid doesn't manage them yet!

Those of you who say IABU, I need to know, do you do this? Smile

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PurplePidjin · 23/04/2014 20:06

Thanks Dilys

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dilys4trevor · 23/04/2014 18:39

I don't think so Purple. It is only really the negative comparisons and boasting that are mean. Compliments are nice!

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PurplePidjin · 23/04/2014 18:23

Oh no, I feel awful now - I always try and find something nice to say about other baby's development and skills ShockSad

Ds is anything from a few weeks to several months older than the other babies we know locally. So often his walking/talking/independence is remarked on by the other mums, although it's never felt competitive to me Confused I try and respond by saying something along the lines of this is what your little one will be doing soon and won't it be fun when they're all learning to read and playing games together at school.

I'll have to stop now Sad

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Driveway · 23/04/2014 18:06

I think it's just conversation mostly, isn't it?
It doesn't mean anything.

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FloozeyLoozey · 23/04/2014 18:00

I've always understood it to be good etiquette to compliment other people's kids when in company, and not your own. No one likes a show off.

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dilys4trevor · 23/04/2014 17:59

One story that did make me laugh from a few years ago:

Me: (over a drink) "Got to confess we sometimes compare DS with your DC and worry that he is behind when he can't do all the things you tell us DC can do."
Her: (looking shocked and a bit sorry, so much that I thought she may at last realise the constant boasting and negative comparisons can get a bit much) "Oh you should NEVER do that!"

Pause.

Her: "DC is SO advanced it just isn't even fair to compare them!"

OK! Nothing had changed. Although from that moment she seemed to move to another plane - e.g. DD was superior to pretty much every other child, not just mine.

Then again, I was on Maternity Leave at the time and I do tend to over think stuff when I am not working. Hoping this time (esp with no known CP offenders on the scene) I may just let it go a bit more.

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dilys4trevor · 23/04/2014 17:53

Agree it can sometimes be accidental but then we all know those people who do it all the time! With the most competitive ones I have found myself coming back at them with my own boasts on occasion in frustration and then listened to myself and been horrified!

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icanneverremember · 23/04/2014 17:40

I think you need to be careful about assuming people's motives for saying things. I often comment on things my friends children can do and it's meant as a genuine compliment. I find the process of child development fascinating and ebrace the variability which is why I comment.

Likewise I made a massive social faux pas with a good friend the other day. My son was playing with some letters and out of habit I asked him to identify one as he loves learning about them. It was in no way meant to "demonstrate" his abilities but it was obviously taken that way as my friend immediately told me how high her son can count. I was mortified that I had inadvertantly come across as boastful as I also I abhor this kind of competitiveness Confused

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blanchedeveraux · 23/04/2014 17:38

Sorry dilys4trevor, but you're gonna have to suck it up girl! :)

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Objection · 23/04/2014 17:29

YABU. Sounds like having a boring conversation to me. Probably just looking for something to say.

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dilys4trevor · 23/04/2014 17:29

Oh God Blanche I had hoped it would all die down once people's DCs grow up a bit and everyone realises their children are probably not the geniuses they supposed they would be at 5 years old etc etc.

But doesn't sound like it!

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blanchedeveraux · 23/04/2014 17:18

Well, you might have to toughen up, because it doesn't change when they get older. My DD is 17 and I'm forever bumping into Mums I vaguely remember from Primary School with all the stealth boasts about how well DD/DS did in their exams and how HARD they're studying and how they passed their driving test FIRST time with BARELY A LESSON!! and how many FRIENDS they have and how FANTASTIC THEIR PART TIME JOB IS and how they got their DUKE OF EDINBURGH AWARD and blah blah fuckity blah until I'm ready to smash their faces in with a tyre iron.

My own DD is doing well in her own quiet way and is a very private person so I respect that and don't blab about her to randoms I meet at bus stops.

//And rant mode off//

PS YANBU

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feathermucker · 23/04/2014 17:13

Sorry, I think you're being a tad paranoid. It's quite natural to compare different developmental stages, especially when they're young.

I find it hard to believe there are groups of people deliberately teaching their children things that yours can already do. In that sense, YABU.

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ikeaismylocal · 23/04/2014 17:12

These foot size competitive people sound bonkers! How do you manage not to look concerned and say "oh goodness poor her! It's going to be a nightmare buying shoes when she's older, better hope she likes men's style shoes"

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70hoursaweekandcounting · 23/04/2014 17:04

This has made me laugh :). -
One thing I have learned S children are growing up is to be careful how baggy you are as it will come back and bite you on the bum :). As for height thing my DD has a friend who WAS a lot taller in primary schoo, - now nothing I. It and actually think my dd will end up taller :)

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Thouneedsbedamned · 23/04/2014 16:58

My SIL loves this but it's all gender orientated:

A. You have a BOY so he's going to leave you when he marries and you will never get to see your DGC because her mother will will best gran.
B. You have a BOY and won't be as close/fun/similar
C. You have a BOY so you can't dress him nicely

And on and on.

I feel sorry for her actually, BIL was desperate for a DS when they had their 2nd and SIL said throughout the pregnancy " it's deffo a boy" "a little solider for daddy in there" and she was most put out when DN arrived a beautiful, healthy baby girl.

Very sad when people project their own feelings/insecurities/inadequacies onto others. Especially when they involve children. Ignore.ignore.ignore OP.

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BackforGood · 23/04/2014 16:52

YABU and over sensitive. It's part of this 'looking for something to be offended about' that only seems to happen on MN.
Why on earth would it be offensive for a parent to comment on something that your dc can do that theirs can't yet ? Confused. It's natural, looking at what they've got coming in the next few months.
When parents with small children get together, it's natural to chat about what they can or can't do.

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HelenHen · 23/04/2014 16:47

Andidrather if it were an isolated comment I wouldn't have started a thread about it!

Crapbag that's what ndn does...she even said smugly that it's cos her dp has big feet, size 10. I couldn't bring myself to point out that my dh wears 11s Grin . Her ds is simply the tallest, biggest and best lol. This has usually been verified by health visitor too.

Argh dilys, the 'still' conversation... Yep, we get that all the time from, you guessed it, ndn, complete with a rundown of when ds excelled at whatever it was.

Kat I'll have to learn that trick Smile

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ContinentalKat · 23/04/2014 14:45

Horrible competitive parenting!
It takes a while, but with a little practice it becomes much easier to think "you sad, sad woman" while smiling, nodding and saying "yes, your child is marvellous!".

Only ever agree with them, talk about their prodigy and never divulge any information about your own offspring. Drives them potty Grin

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dilys4trevor · 23/04/2014 14:36

HelenHen I agree with upthread that it's the mums who compare your children negatively with their own that are worse.

I'm pregnant with my third and will avoid baby groups like the plague for that reason. I have a friend who was wildly competitive with me on our first two (very similar ages). Too many comments to mention! It wound me up and one of the blissful things about this baby is that she has stopped at two so this time around I won't be subjected to it.

DonnaMoss, I have heard shit like that so many times. My favourite is this kind of scenario at the park or whatever:

Me: "DS is still a bit wobbly on his scooter so I'll keep the lead thing on"
Her: "REALLY? STILL? God, it's been ages" (fake concerned face)
Her (to child): "Not like YOU eh, DC?" (then to me): "He's so fearless. Probably gets it from us; we're really sporty".

Oh, OK, thanks for that. They are three years old, you twat.

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CrapBag · 23/04/2014 14:29

"it's not even possible to be competative about foot size."

Oh I beg to differ. Grin

I know someone who frequently will go on about her DDs shoe size (yes we get it, yes they are biggest in the class, yes she has big feet!!). Every time they get a pair of shoes I get treated to knowing what size she is now. I also get informed of what size clothes she wears (2 years bigger than her ago you know, fascinating stuff Hmm and comments on how tall she is and the fact that she is the tallest in the class. When I once pointed out that when they had all measured each other, apparently there are 2 that are slightly taller and this mum was adamant that her DD was the tallest. FFS, why does this matter!!!!

My aunt used to do the same. In fact my mum was convinced that my aunt purposely bought a bigger size just so she could 'brag' about what size they were (feet did seem to slop about in the shoes so I think my mum had a point).

Then I have a friend who constantly goes on about what reading level her DS is at, her DS even asked another friend what level her DS was at so she could compare (other friend didn't answer). Then first friend got her DS's book out so we could see what he was reading and asked if it was a high level as she "didn't know if it is high or not" Hmm. She also asks our friends what level their older children are at so she can compare to how far away her DS is. Fucking tedious tbh. She also talks about the (much bigger) clothes sizes that her DS wears and say its because he is so tall. Considering our DCs of that age are the same height, I suspect it is more to do with weight but no, friend will always say its "because X is sooo tall".

I loathe competitive parenting. I don't give a shit what stage anyone's child is at, I only care about my own and that they are doing well or wearing the clothes or shoes that fit their bodies, not that it ahs to be bigger than someone else's so I can 'brag' about it.

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AndIdratherplayhereWithalltheM · 23/04/2014 14:27

Some babies don't do some developments at all, ie crawling. They all turn out fine in the end

Not true, quite a few babies don't.

Its another reason why keeping a casual eye on what the peer group is doing gives you a slight indicator of roughly where they should be.

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